I can't figure out why he is mad at me all the time

[alilbitworried]

Hi all I need some serious advice! My husband and I have been married for a little over 5 years and we have three children. OK, the problem is that he seems mad at me all the time.

 

I am a stay at home mom, and my days get sorta crazy sometimes but I manage to stay sane and not take it out on him when he gets home but he is pissed off at the world when he walks in the door. He says that I am the one with the attitude problem, but I have not done anything. Just this morning he wakes up at 6:30 and wanting me to give him oral, I am still asleep at this time and NOT in the mood, and here he goes ranting and raving, and slaming doors and stomping! He didn't even tell me bye or that he loves me, like he usually does.

 

I don't always get what I want, what makes him think he can? He throws it up in my face that he is the one that works so he should get the treatment, he says that my staying at home is so easy(I would like to see him do it). How can I get this thru his head that I have feelings too and that I want this maddness to stop? I am so sick of being a verbal punching bag!

[Princess777]

Hello,

 

One thing you need to always keep in mind is that most men who really love a woman, value sex as we women value intimacy (talking things out, talking about our love for one another, sharing everything)..... sex is their intimacy. If they can't have sex with you, they feel like there is nothing there. When he wants to have sex with you, he is trying to show his love for you.

 

It sounds like his job is very stressful. Why not talk with him about how he can reduce his responsibilities at work or look into other opportunities that wouldn't be so stressful. Have a nice quiet evening with him telling him exactly how you feel, but not in an accusing way. Keep telling him that you are worried about him and that you genuinely care for his well being and the well being of the marriage. Ask him what he would like to see changed, and then tell him what you would like to see changed. Come to some compromises. Don't let pride get in the way.

 

Hope this helps some.

[Scout]

Respectfully disagree with the previous poster's advice. It is justifying his behavior, which from what you've described, is not acceptable or normal. If my partner was to demand sex at the crack of dawn when I'm still half-asleep, and than act the way your's did when I said no, I would be really angry. I certainly wouldn't view it as an "expression of his love." Because it's not - or he wouldn't be so vile after you said no. No one has the right to treat anyone like their personal punching bag, as you described it.

 

That being said, I'm not sure what you can do. If you have talked to him before about this behavior, and he still won't change, I would suggest you get him to marriage counseling. He needs to learn how to deal with his anger, he is creating a very hostile environment in your home that can't be very healthy for your children or yourself to have to live with.

[Princess777]

Scout,

 

I agree with you, my post didn't sound entirely the way I wanted it to. I didn't mean for it to sound like her husband was exhibiting acceptable behavior. She does not deserve his ranting. I apologize if it sounded that way

 

My attempt was so focused on helping her help him, which left my response incomplete. I was trying to help her understand why he might be acting that way, because of the stress. Thanks for pointing that out

[sisterlynch]

As a relationship grows, people with in the relationship change. But the relationship itself stays the same, for the most part. Your husband is dealing with some heavy issues that he may or may not be telling you about verbally, but he is basically acting out his enotions and then blaming you for his needs not getting met.

 

You have some children, so lets talk about the child mother relationship. If your child refuses to eat breakfast, you recall that he may be hungry later on and then you give him a little more as a snack, right?

 

You encourage him to eat his snack, you don't say no more food for you until you eat those pancakes that I made for you at eight am, right?

 

If your child comes up to you for a hug, you don't give him candy and send him on his way, do you? You hug him.

 

Lets say that your husband is worried about losing his job and that is on his mind a lot, but he is afraid to tell you, you may be upset. So he holds on to his pain and the frustration that he is dealing with is coming out of him in otherways.

 

He needs to deal with his issues, but he doesn't have the emotional skills or the verbal skills to unlock the pain that he is feeling, so he just carries this issue with him, like a monkey on his back that is ready to scream and yell when ever he needs the fight.

 

How are you going to get rid of this monkey? When people have physical illnesses we send them to the doctors office, when they have an emotional issue, do we not send someone to get counseling?

 

The relationship is a meeting of the two minds, the way that the two of you verbalize your feelings about one another needs to be looked into. This isn't going to get better until both of you are willing to stop being the innocent one and start to work in the relationship.

[Scout]

Princess, thanks for the extra post clarifying what you meant. We probably need a few more details from the original poster to figure out if this is fairly recent behavior - which would indicate situational reasons that would call for her to do a little extra work here - or if this is how he has always been. In which case, he needs to get it under control, and the only thing I can think of to help would be to go to marriage counseling.

[alilbitworried]

Hi all..thanks for all the advice. He and I sat diwn last night and had a long talk. He says that his job is getting the best of him because he is taking on everyone elses load. Well I told him that was not my fault and I offered to go to work to help him lighten his load, but he didn't want that.

 

So what's a girl to do? I'll tell ya..I just flat out explianed that I can not and would not take this, I also have stresses here too and I do not take them out on him. About the whole oral sex thing, he says that it would have been nice to have before he goes to work just to relieve some stress, and I can understand that. So today he is going to his boss and telling him that he needs some time, we all do. I think this was the best, and I got a huge I'm sorry and a great night, LOL

 

Thanks again to all!

[Princess777]

Glad to hear you had a productive talk. I think communication is highly underrated. If people would just say what's on their mind everyone would get along a lot better, huh?

 

Hopefully you can take this information and come to some compromises with him. Good luck!