Help!

[SadAndy]

hi folks. I've been doing quite well recently, got a new house, new car and a new girl and even starting to hate my ex.

 

My ex has started making hints about regretting her decision to split up with me, hinting quite strongly that we could get back together again if i asked.

 

My brief history for anyone who doesn't know is my ex and I were together for 14 yrs since the age of 19. We have one daughter aged 8.

My ex had a 6 month affair with my ex best mate 5 years ago which i 'forgave' her and tried to move on. She has now left me for a 21 year old bloke and then confessed to have restarted the original affair for the last 18 months. She had another 'hes nice but not you' moment about 3 months ago when she temporarily ditched the new bloke to get back with me which lasted for about a day until she chose him.

 

My new girl thinks the world of me already (i know its too soon but you get the idea) but i just think i will never have the depth of feelings for her that i have for my ex.

I am left feeling that you only get one life and i would rather have her in it than not but I know it would never be the same again and i risk losing my new girl and ending up with nothing later on down the road.

 

Please help me snap out of this. You can be as brutal with me as you like!

[Sanesoul]

Do you really want to keep riding this rollercoaster? Your ex is being and has been very manipulative through all this.

 

Up until this point, she has known she can have you whenever she wants. It's a game to her.

 

Don't be a doormat, and don't let her drag you around on a leash.

[pumpkinmoon]

I would stay well away. Look at all she has put you through. Not once but over and over again.

 

If you take her back she will do the same eventually. I think you should stick with the new girl. She seems great!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

All this goes to show that you are nowhere near ready to date. The new girl may think the world of you but that is no reason to be dating her when you are only 3 months out of your long-term relationship and got majorly betrayed. At 3 months post breakup you have not yet resolved all your feelings for your ex and the betrayal..so why are you dating someone else on the rebound only to ultimately put her through the pain your ex has put you through. Why not spend some time alone rather than grabbing the next woman who shows interest in you just so you can feel like you have someone. Women are not going away...there are so many women looking for a partner that guaranteed if you are not looking to love someone and are only looking to find someone who is interested in you (which seems to be the case right now), you will find that 1 year from now, 2 years from now, 10 years from now. Take this time to heal and get over your ex before dragging a new woman into the mix.

[uncomfynumb]

I would consider it only because you have a child BUT on the condition that she get extensive therapy, alone and as a couple.

[pumpkinmoon]

You know what? You're in an enviable position right now. I know the break up was hard on you but you seem to be over the worst and moving onwards and upwards.

 

I urge you not to put yourself through all of that again. If she can do it once, she can do it again and again. Trust me, I know from experience. God only knows where I would be now if I hadn't take my ex back - TWICE!

 

This is your chance now for true happiness.

[hexaemeron]

Andy, please go read my confidence post that I just made and tell me what you should do in your situation.

[JusticeLaw9]

Please help me snap out of this. You can be as brutal with me as you like!

 

Ok.

 

What the hell is wrong with ya?

 

You gotta be kidding me. One life to live doesn't mean that you spend it in pain or sorrow. You've just got back on your feet not too long ago and you're going to toss all that away (once again) for a woman who has literally treated you like trash. She cheated on you, more than once. What is it about this woman that you don't mind having your heart stomped on again. I've been there, and to me, no woman is worth going through that.

 

Most people would allow this to discourage them from ever dating again, and for some even moving forward with their life. But YOU have managed to overcome the darkness and do some really astonishing things for yourself. So I can't understand why you would even be tempted to be with that woman again. Have you not learned your lesson the first time?

[HeartGoesOn]

Andy- I think you're on the right track, as far as realizing that it would never be the same if you went back to your ex.

 

But, I would be very cautious about starting a new relationship at this point, as in you need time to be able to think with a clear head, and process the loss of your ex, before starting over again.

 

All the best...

[Etoile]

Hey Andy

 

Definitely definitely don't go back to your ex!

 

I can understand why you are tempted though. You have spent nineteen years, (all of your adult life) with this woman and have a child together. She is familiar and all you have ever known and loved. It's tempting to stay with the familiar because we are afraid of the unknown. In your case it is probably the fear that you will never meet a woman who evokes the same feelings in you as your ex did but fear and familiarity are not good reasons to go back to a relationship where you were treated appallingly badly. She cheated on you at least twice, messed you around and left you for someone else. She is now with this twenty one year old and a brief time ago she was telling you that she was planning to have a child with him, a mortgage etc and now she has seen you move on she is turning around to you wanting you back. She is unstable, doesn't know what she wants. If you got back with her there is a very very high probability that she would cheat on you again or leave you for someone else. You don't deserve that and neither does your daughter. In fact it would be very hard for your daughter to see her mum and dad split up again especially considering the first split was so acrimonious. You may never have rowed in front of your daughter but children are very perceptive.

 

You say you don't have very strong feelings for this new girl but realistically it has only been three months since you split from your ex. You are probably not over your ex yet. Your ex is someone you have spent the last nineteen years with so it is very difficult for anyone else to match up favourably.

[Perfect Dark]

No do not get back with her, she is realizing what she has lost out on. (your new, house, car, girl etc). She is regretting her decision. You seem happy now, stay with the new girl.

[Mustachio]

Would you ever trust her? Doubtful. Would it ever be the same? no. Do you really want her back or do you just want the familiarity of it all? Think what comes along with that familiarity, pain, betrayal, anger, hurt... etc etc. For what, the comfort of not having to change? Not worth it (now I should heed my own words).

 

You got back together with her already, and what did she do, hurt you again. Do you really think you could get back together with her again and not get hurt?

 

Also remember, she hasnt even actually said she wants to get back together with you has she? And even if she has, what has she promised to do for you? And is there anything she even could promise you that would make you trust her and allow you to look past all the pain she has caused you? I doubt it.

 

And finally, please be careful with this new woman, dont hurt her because you are in an unsure place.

[jenna-is-here]

ANDY!

I am sending you an elecronic "S.L.A.P!" Sorry, I really dont believe at all in physical punishment but I needed to get your attention.

 

YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT! She does not have the luxury of coming and going through that revolving door in and out of your relationship whenever she desires.

 

I understand you were together 14 years, you have a child together but she has been given enough chances. Something tells me she knows you will *always* take her back - that is why she continues to act like this.

 

I believe you owe it to yourself to explore things with the new girl and possible others (if the new girl doesnt do it for you) but you are already cutting it off by saying that you dont think your feelings could develop. Maybe they could. Go with the flow.

 

Also, in regards to children, it is not healthy for them to grow up in an environment where they learn it is okay to treat a spouse the way your ex is treating you.

 

PLEASE take some time....A LOT of time to live without your ex. I think as time passes, you will realize, you deserve MUCH MUCH more from somoneone.

[SadAndy]

Thank you my friends.

 

I read each of your posts and found myself nodding in agreement to each one. I know what I need to do. It will be the hardest thing i will ever have to say but you are all right, she WILL do it again. If I wasn't good enough for her many times in the past then I am simply the 'next best thing' now.

 

God bless you all. And thanks for the electronic SLAP, i needed that! ;-)