On and off, i am having trouble controlling urges

[Casmut]

My ex and i have been NC since Monday, this might be the longest we have gone without talking since she broke NC in November after not talking for 10 months. Her and i are still friends on FB though...

 

So far things seem ok but i am having a difficult time controlling my urges to make contact with her. Last we spoke she said she was having a rough couple of days, and then asked how i was feeling. Since then i have been on and off in wanting to send a simple text or email. I know i shouldn't do it but i am struggling. At the end of the day i realize that she isn't healthy for me and is only a destructive source in my life. I have been practicing thought stopping which is somewhat helping, i just need to keep fighting my urges. She is coming back home next week i believe, i know with her last week of work she has been extremely busy in tying things up with her job but i sometimes wonder if she will ever make contact with me. A friend of mine suggested that after another week or so, if we don't talk still that i should send her a letter (yeah i know another one) detailing everything i felt through the last 6/7 months.

 

Perhaps i shouldn't be writing any of this on this forum topic since getting back together is a 0.01% chance, but i like to believe that some people who browse this topic somewhat know my situation. Anyway this is a bit of an update, still feeling pretty low and lost at the moment. I haven't been sleeping to well either. Heh..my friend told me to man up the other day, said i was being a giant pus...

[Lori123]

I don't have any great advice, but I do understand the anxiety you're feeling. After doing great for a couple of weeks -- which was a huge deal for me -- I'm back to having that overwhelming urge to contact him, and feeling like I'm fighting it every second.

 

One thing that has helped me a little is writing the email I want to write, and not addressing it (so that I can't accidentally send it!) and just saving it in my drafts folder. Then as I have that urge, I go back to the draft and revise it, and save it again. Or sometimes I feel completely differently, and I write an entirely different draft. I always end up feeling better, and then ultimately glad that I didn't send the email.

 

It's not a long-term solution, but it helps in the short term.

[Casmut]

Thank you for the reply.

 

I have written several letters actually, i only ever sent her one though. They tend to be a bit therapeutic at times, especially when i look back on it and read it when i am feeling normal. I do plan to write another one, and whether or not i send it to her will depend on how i feel in a few weeks, but it'll be about my feelings towards her from the time NC was broken till now.

 

Yeah i tend to write many letters lol

[quirky]

Hey Casmut, just went back to see the progression of the story.

 

I think I can understand the difficulty of your situation, it's harder to break away when there are feelings there, she's not cut out of your life. I can relate to the paranoia and confusion you have felt..trouble is you will have to make a decisions for yourself. Limboland is terrible, despairland is actually better because at least there is an end to it. Are you and your ex LD? Because I can tell from my expreience that it makes things 10 times harder.

[Casmut]

Yes it is a bit more difficult than when we initially broke up, especially what happened a week after the fact. I was able to hold on to NC quite well. At the moment i believe that if i were to send her a text or give her a call she would reply but it wouldn't be pretty. So having said that yes indeed, i am in limboland as i don't know where we are at even as friends. We're still friends of FB but that doesn't mean much i think.

 

Her and i were somewhat LD, during the last 6/7 months yes we were LD. Our work always had us traveling around so at times we had to be LD, until her job took her out west and kept her there for a good awhile. Its basically what destroyed our relationship.

[Casmut]

So she broke contact on Saturday, we spoke a little bit but nothing to major. She said she has been real sick, and the fact that she is out of a job now has her completely in the dumps. I was being nice in trying to cheer her up even though i shouldn't have. She said she was sorry that she hasn't been talking much or that she hasn't been to excited, and that she feels bad. Asked how i was feeling and the usual stuff, but that was it. We haven't spoken since, its pretty much LC at this point but i really do need to stick to NC..

[LoveSoDeep]

HI Cas!

 

I say she just finished up a joba nd now she's thinking of moving....she's probably really stressed...no excuse for totally ignoring you in my book...but givehe some time when she gets back in town if she ever had any intention of staying friends or anything more she will be in touch.

[tattoobunnie]

Um...of course when she moves back, you'll get back together...why I can tell you this...she'll latch onto you because she has zero friends out there, and you'll give her an automatic support structure because you're obsessed on getting a resolution from her. Then some time after that, she'll pull the same crud. Honestly, it's been a week...you can't get your head clear in a week. That's why everything feels so intense right now. Everytime you get an urge, call a friend, family, anyone but her.

 

I do hope you've deleted her phone number, blocked it by now to curb your urges...She knows how to reach you...email, visit, work...so don't wig out if her number is missing from your phone. I don't know. Some people thrive on masochistic relationships or drama, convincing themselves that intensity or a constant roller-coaster of emotions equals love...this could just be you. And if it is, own it.

[Casmut]

You're probably right Tattoo, when she comes back home she'll have no one to talk to pretty much. A lot of our mutual friends aren't very fond of her these days, especially what she did to me last year. She met most of our mutual friends through me. I don't think we'll get back together, i don't even believe thats what she even wants. I just don't believe there is even the possibility and if i even did get back with her, it would make a lot of people angry. I know i would be doing myself great harm in doing so as well. Yet somehow i want it, and you're right its an obsession, a very unhealthy one at that.

 

I haven't deleted her number, i've been considering it though. Its just as hard as when i threw all our things out last year. Believe me when i say that i don't desire drama or harm in this relationship, i don't thrive on it at all. I like to think its more of a "never give up" type of mentality. Its an Army thing, i was trained to push past my limits and beyond, mentally and physically. I know its ok to throw in the towel once in awhile, and thats not to say i haven't because i pretty much have with her, its just these god damn urges i get. When i get them i do call a friend, or start reading over my threads on ENA. A friend of mine here on ENA reminded me of how many threads i have made since i think the start of 2010, it was like 20 or something, and it shows how much destruction she is causing. Tattoo, you have always given me awesome advice, i agree with you 99.9% of the time i just need to find it within me to actually enforce it all.

[Ms Darcy]

Some people thrive on masochistic relationships or drama, convincing themselves that intensity or a constant roller-coaster of emotions equals love...this could just be you. And if it is, own it.

 

He's eating drama like popcorn.

 

Anyways, don't write her a 20th letter. That's more drama.

[Casmut]

Believe me Ms.Darcy, i really don't want any drama, but i'll admit that i am allowing it to happen. Its that emotional urge that i can't control sometimes. I go back and forth with the letters, they haven't really done me any good. Mind you i only ever sent her one letter and it was concerning what happened in our break up. Anything else i had written i've kept to myself or i have posted here for insight.

 

I am doing better, but i do need to take some extra steps. For one i am currently in the process of seeking professional help to deal with my emotional issues. I need to get rid of her contacts again, i just need to dig deep like last year and find the courage to actually do it. The one thing i am very afraid of, is if i actually see her in person again since she'll be coming home soon.

[tattoobunnie]

You are fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You need a honest to god distraction. To do list!!!

 

List ten things that are badass that you've always wanna do, and go down the list...example surfing, hiking, swimming, hot air balloning, wine tasting, start a company...

 

& two, sign up for dating websites...just to keep you distracted.

 

These letters you keep writing about her...I hope you realize, keep you stuck.

[Casmut]

Thank you for that Tattoo

 

Those are great ideas, i have done and am still messing with dating sites, mainly just Plenty of Fish. I must admit that when i first started using it, it seemed to be a great distraction but i haven't gone back to it in over a month.

 

There are many things i actually do wanna do, like sky diving and/or base jumping, swimming with sharks. I never thought of hot air ballooning but now that you mention it, its probably not a bad idea.

 

I really need to stop with the letters, i think it stems from my free time on the weekends. I generally tend to be out most of the weekends but when i am not i kinda let myself think and when i start to think that's when things start to really get to me. My work week usually keeps me quite sane, but once the weekend hits its when things get to me. Isn't it strange that i look forward to Mondays? Yes, i love Mondays...

[tattoobunnie]

My buddy met her now husband on Plenty of Fish, and I know several people who met on link removed and are now married, or on their way. Keep in mind, it's a numbers game. Just because you have a few mediocre dates doesn't mean it'll all be like that. And if you're not ready to meet, I'm sure you're ready to wink/email. You need to mentally redefine how you associate weekends. From this point on, if you have a free day, even if you're by yourself, go do someone. You're going through intimacy withdrawals, and will need to get use to being "single" again.

 

And I need you to do me a favor. Quit thinking because of the army, you aren't willing to give up. We are all like that in one way or another. You have to keep in mind, cutting your losses does not devalue your integrity. Your integrity is a measure of how you stand up for yourself, know what you deserve, and following through on things.

 

And I know you're scared make personal goals over goals with a partner. You have done all you've can. It's okay to let go, and live your life. And it's not a chance, or a perhaps...everything, I guarantee will be okay...first, you have to let that faith and hope in.

[tattoobunnie]

PS...stop reaching back. If she texts, you ignore it. If she calls, you ignore it. Or the cycle will keep going, and going, and going. And when she comes to visit...big whoop. She has nothing to offer you, and doesn't deserve you. All this time...and she's only moving back because her job is over. She is not moving back for you. Keep that straight.

 

And she lacks integrity in every way. Be good to yourself. While she hasn't and won't be good to you.

[SparklyBoots]

I haven't read all your posts but you do say you guys didn't speak for 10 months....how did you feel during that time? Was it better than this torture you are putting yourself through just now - you have been very strong and you know, you can do it again!!!!

 

She is keeping you emotionally attached and taking without giving anything in return...

 

I am terrified of heights and recently did a skydive - it was brilliant - left me feeling really empowered! Tattoos list is a really good idea...give you a different focus...

[Casmut]

I finally have a chance to make some replies here..

 

Tattoo, i too have a few friends that have met their girlfriends/boyfriends off of PoF. I am just not used to those type of sites or any dating site for that matter. I'll admit though that it is a nice pass time to at least be chatting with someone here and there. I've been keeping myself busy for the most part and the urges to make contact are starting to dwindle but i am having a bit of an issue at the moment containing my anger. Yesterday at work, throughout most of the morning i was extremely grumpy and snarly. That isn't normal for me at all, i am usually laid back and calm. I know i deserve much better, the more i attempt with her the more i feel my integrity devalue as she isn't worth the effort. I try not to ignore advice and for the most part i don't, but i have a lot of trouble containing myself, and this is something i will get into a bit later in this post. Things will be ok, i've done it before and i can do it again, just at the moment i need to really pick myself up.

 

She lacks integrity completely. You know how much she complains about basically everything on a daily basis? Throughout most of our contact it was about her being sick, hating work, hating people and so on. It didn't stop and it was really frustrating sometimes. It was rare to see her in a happy mood. Her and i haven't talked in awhile now, i've had urges but i am holding strong.

 

Sparkly, i went through phases throughout those 10 months which lead to me being overly happy. The first 2 months were tough, i was feeling sorry for myself. Then for about 4 months i went through a phase where i didn't care about anything or anyone and i was a very bitter and angry person to deal with. In the final 4 months leading up to NC being broken, i began to feel alive and more successful, i found myself being more active than i already was by doing things i hadn't done before. The dreams about her almost completely stopped and when i did have them i brushed them off. I focused solely on work and my future. And during the final month i felt so good about things, especially on my birthday when i got an overwhelming response to it. Never in my life did i get such a response to my birthday it was such an awesome feeling. In that moment i felt so good, that i don't think i ever felt better. I had even cut down my smoking....and then she broke NC.

 

I went to visit my doctor today to talk about my current mental health. He asked various questions, especially the obvious ones. If i'm sleeping well, eating normally, if i felt suicidal. My sleeping patterns are messed up, my appetite is normal and i am not suicidal but at the same time i don't care if i don't wake up the next morning type of thing. I explained mostly everything to my doctor and he said he was going to refer me to a specialist but in the mean time he wants me to focus on a few things. Many things that i've been told repeatedly on here. Basically he said that at the moment i feel that my ex is 100% of my life but she isn't, she is only 5%. The other 95% is my family, my job, my friends. He told me to focus on the good things i have going in life, told me to exercise more and perhaps upgrading myself (career wise). Of course he said not to talk to her, and to just say good bye. He said i need stability in a woman which is something i've been telling myself for awhile too. It shouldn't matter how she looks and so on, she just needs to be stable and consistent. I think that was it though. I'll be getting a call to see a specialist sometime within the next 2-3 weeks.

 

Thank you for the wonderful replies, hope you are all having a great weekend.

[FootofGod]

I have troubles controlling urges all the time. That's why they're called urges. But I find a way.

[lavenderdove]

The doctor sounds very wise, and it is good you're seeing a specialist...

 

He's right that you are letting her have an enormous influence of your emotions, but she really isn't part of your life other than contacting you now and then and messing you around. That isn't a good relationship, it isn't even a relationship, it is just a continuing NEGATIVE influence on your life. A partner should be about joy, contentment, support, etc. And you get none of that from her.

 

I think it best you cut her off entirely, since nothing about what you say of this situation makes me think it will end up being a healthy relationship. At best you can just expect more of the same because of who she is and how she is acting.

[Casmut]

Thank you for the replies. Yes i will be seeing a specialist soon, i am just waiting for the phone call. I have been feeling pretty good about things, i even met a girl over the weekend in the most random way and we clicked quickly, exchanged numbers and all. Was a nice confidence boost.

 

My ex and i haven't really talked, she has tried texting me surprisingly enough however. Lavender you are right, she is a negative influence on me and is ultimately destructive. She doesn't bring me any of the relationship qualities you have mentioned, in fact now that i think of it she has no positive influence on me at all and its only negative. Which leads me to the ongoing problem on why i sometimes feel the need to want to talk to her, hence the urges.

 

She is almost completely cut off, its approaching that point. Its still going to take some time in controlling those urges but i think i am doing quite well at the moment. I have been constantly reminding myself that she is only 5% of my life, like my doctor said. Even though i feel fine at the moment, i still need to follow through with the specialist and see how things go. I can't allow this sort of thing to happen again, and i have many things to work on with improving myself.