Age Gap AND Recovered Addict advice needed...

[Tatertot]

Hi, I am new to this site and this is my first post but I am really needing some advice that I can't seem to "google" anywhere else!

 

In the past 13 years I have only been in 2 relationships... 1 for 7 years and 1 for 6 years. But I have recently broken it off with my ex-boyfriend for all sorts of reasons. However the point is I am reallly only interested in long-term relationships.. not flings or rebounds...

 

So I volunteer at a Soup Kitchen that also runs a 6 month recovery program. The program is for men only and they must all put in their time working in the kitchen at some point or another. About a year ago one of the "residents" started his turn in the kitchen and I immediately was drawn to him only because of the constant smile on his face and the joy he portrayed while singing loudly while working... I talked to him very little, but we always exchanged smiles. Eventually we started talking a little more.

 

He invited me to his "graduation" from the program but it was during the working day so I could not get out of work to attend, but I did go by the shelter and drop off a card of congratulations for him.

 

The next time I saw him he thanked me for the card and asked if we could go for coffee... I said no at the time but finally I emailed him and said I wouldn't mind going with him so we did. It was good conversation and a good time, but then I dropped him off and went home. The next few times I saw him at the shelter he asked if we could go again but I said no and eventually he didn't push it anymore, we just talked for a few minutes every couple of weeks when we saw each other there.

 

Finally a couple of months ago I decided I did want to meet him for coffee again, so we went and again it was good conversation and I'm getting to know him better and I do like spending time with him. He invited me to his "1-year" sobriety birthday at the AA meeting that he attends and I didn't commit but told him I would try to make it. I did and he was happy to see me and asked if I could give him a ride home and I said of course I could. Then we stopped for coffee and went for a walk. Before the evening was over he actually leaned over and tried to kiss me. I didn't kiss him. I think I just looked shocked and he then apologized and said he hoped he didn't offend me. I said he didn't, but that I wasn't going to kiss him. (He tried again when I dropped him off but I still refused). We are going to a movie together this weekend and I don't know what to do.

 

The thing is he is 20 years older than me. I know this but he doesn't (although he obviously knows I'm younger than him). It's not like I'm extremely young though, I'm 33 and he is 53. We've both been married once before and we both have no children.

 

I have read numerous forums about starting a relationship with either a large age gap OR a recovering addict, but not both... My question is, are both these things together too much to overcome? I really am not sure. I myself have never so much as touched a cigarette (although he smokes) let alone drugs and I don't drink. He has been recovered for a year...

 

Sorry this is so long, but I thought the background was important..

 

Thanks.

[Skeptic76]

I can't speak to the age gap as I have no experience there....I know only that I personally could not get involved in a committed, long-term relationship with a 53 year old (I too am 33.)

 

I can however speak to being a sober alcoholic. Although right now my relationship is sputtering and in doubt, for 10 years I was with a woman who drank socially (and smoked pot at concerts or the occasional party) and it didn't affect our relationship OR my sobriety. If this guy is applying the principles he has learned in AA to his everyday life, you can rest assured that his being sober should not affect your decision.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You keep saying no and then end up saying yes to him each time he pushes a bit more and a bit more. He is 20 years older, has had a drinking problem (not sure if you implied he had a drug problem as well) and he smokes. This is in sharp contrast to the life you have led in which there is no smoking, no drugs and no alcohol. So why would a person who never smoked, drank and did drugs find themself interested in someone who has done all of that to the point where he had to get himself into a 12 step program. His battle with drugs and alcohol will be a lifelong battle..you will never be sure if he will relapse back into that lifestyle. Then there is the matter of the age gap. Are you really sure you want to go down this road? Are you feeling lonely and that is why you are agreeing to go out with him after first being reluctant?

[generaldiscord]

In general, the word to use is "recovering addict". They need to constantly fight the urge to abuse alcohol, probably for the rest of their life.

 

If you were my sister, I would strongly discourage you from pursuing this relationship. A recovering addict in his 30's would be something you could work with, because it would point to drug use in the 20's which got out of hand. However, the man is 53, which means he was probably using drugs for more than half his life. He has lost 30 years of productivity. Basically, if you look at the graph with productivity on the y axis and age on the x axis, it should look like a bell curve. His graph is chopped of at the top. In 10 short years, he will be winding down physically, and he will probably never reach his potential.

[SpottiOtti]

It bothers me that he tried to kiss you again after you refused the first time. Shows a lack of respect for your boundaries.

 

What do you really know about this dude?

 

Also, I have been in a relationship with a much older man that ended very badly, partly because he didn't understand things about me that are part of my generation's behavior (I am 29), such as going dancing alone with a girlfriend and hugging male friends when out and about. Just food for thought.

[Tatertot]

Skeptic: Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. I know he is definitely working the program and has a lot of support from friends there. I also have met a lot of them because they have also gone through the program at the place I volunteer. Most of them seem like really nice guys (now anyway, I never knew any of them "before").

 

Crazy: I never really looked at it from your point of view... and from there I really do look crazy! lol! And yes, he also had a bad drug addiction. He kicked both the drinking and the drugs a year ago. But from my point of view I never knew him "before" and I only know him now. And from what I've seen of him now he seems so nice, happy, genuine and very grounded. I don't think it's my place to judge him on how he used to be. I am a very trusting person (and yes, this has got me into trouble in the past) so I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's only fair of me to base my opinion on who he is now, since I've known him, and not who he was. As for the age... even though I know that's his age he certainly doesn't seem it! When I first met him I would have guessed early 40's... not 50's... So yes a few things come to mind when I actually think about it... like kids, health, money, what my parents would think!... etc... But I don't know if I should worry about those things now, or if I should maybe give it a chance first... then talk about it before it gets too far.

[Tatertot]

GD: you really do have a point. And since I can not talk to my real sister about this I am sure she would wholeheartedly agree with you. And it's true... he may only have 10 good years left... so why am I even questioning this? It seems like a no brainer... but something about him just makes my heart smile whenever he's around. Sometimes we only talk for about 10 minutes when I'm there volunteering but it's enough to get me through the next 2 weeks smiling...

 

Spotti: I really don't know much about him. Which is why I wouldn't let him kiss me. To me a kiss would signify that I am ready to start a relationship... and at this point I'm just not. I was a little surprised that he tried... but I don't feel unsafe at all when I'm with him. I am pretty sure that he respects me enough to stop if I ask him to. Also I have never been one to go out clubbing or dancing... I have always either gone to school and/or been working/volunteering. But I do like to show affection like hugging a male friend...

 

Also we have only exchanged emails, I have not given him my phone number. And we only email if we are arranging a time to meet, we don't have long drawn out conversations over email...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He has only been off this stuff for a year. In the grand scheme of his life that is not very long. He is 53 years old and was into this hard, addiction lifestyle probably since his 20's or even earlier. You may not have known him before but you can certainly guess what his life would have been like. I think it would be foolish to even start something with him because once you get emotionally involved it will be that much harder to extricate yourself.

[SpottiOtti]

While obviously you feeling safe around him is of utmost importance, what I really meant by the boundary comment was, if he doesn't respect little boundaries like this in the beginning it may be a sign that he won't respect bigger ones in the future. Like once you two start to get more physically intimate, will he be pushing boundaries then too? Doesn't mean he's necessarily a rapist or anything, but he may push you to do more than you are comfortable with right away, and it's an awful feeling when that happens.

 

I think maybe you should just keep in mind that he's been an addict and addicts are generally quite good at manipulation, and also that he's got about 20 more years under his belt than you do. What do you think he's learned in that time about human behavior that you have not learned yet?

[Skeptic76]

I can't argue with any other participants in this discussion EXCEPT to say that there is a big difference between "recovery" and "being dry." People who do not address the issues that led them to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol certainly struggle and are not fun to be around when sober. But somebody who has found a sufficient substitute for their addiction in A.A., church or whatever and has really faced their inner demons is usually a person that walks through life with an understanding of what matters and a sense of gratitude that is similar to other "survivors" (plane crashes, violent crime, etc.)

 

As for me, I do not struggle with sobriety one bit. I enjoy it much more than the intense suffering and demoralization that came with being a drunk. I have a lot to offer a woman and I !

[Tatertot]

You both are right, and you make total sense. You are my rational thinking side, definitely.

 

You have definitely given me lots to think about.

 

There's just a part of me that always likes to give people a chance... he's just so nice.

[generaldiscord]

I can't argue with any other participants in this discussion EXCEPT to say that there is a big difference between "recovery" and "being dry." People who do not address the issues that led them to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol certainly struggle and are not fun to be around when sober. But somebody who has found a sufficient substitute for their addiction in A.A., church or whatever and has really faced their inner demons is usually a person that walks through life with an understanding of what matters and a sense of gratitude that is similar to other "survivors" (plane crashes, violent crime, etc.)

 

As for me, I do not struggle with sobriety one bit. I enjoy it much more than the intense suffering and demoralization that came with being a drunk. I have a lot to offer a woman and I !

 

I completely agree. As a society, we do ourselves a disservice if we constantly mistrust and discriminate against recovering addicts simply because they've made the steps to becoming sober. You can never trust an addict, unless he has been sober for a while and is addressing his issues.

[Tatertot]

Skeptic: He really seems to be like the person you are describing... he is fun, happy, vibrant, and fun to be around. At his 1-year all the people that said things about him really looked up to him and admired the things he has been able to accomplish in 1 short year.

 

I have read all the websites that suggest that a person in recovery should wait at least 1 year before starting a relationship... what is your opinion on that? Is 1 year enough time? Especially for someone like him who likely abused drugs for 20 years or more (I don't know the exact length of time, I haven't felt like pressing him on this issue yet... I would rather talk about happier things than force him to think of those times...)

[catfeeder]

How recently did you break up with your BF of 6 years?

 

The question may be less about this new man's relationship potential and more about your own at the moment. Moving from one LTR into another with even the healthiest of partners isn't advisable--adding an age gap and addiction recovery to that mix could be combustible.

[Tatertot]

catfeeder: Well officially it was quite recently, but I was just putting into words what we both knew was coming. Our relationship hasn't been "intimate" for the past couple of years, and even before that our physical relationship was really lacking at the best of times. We just made really good friends. I'm not sure why we kept it "official" for so long... but in all honesty it had been over for quite some time... I feel as though I haven't been in a real "romantic" relationship in a very long time...