I need to stop calling him my ex.

[LoveSoDeep]

Here's the thing I can't repost my entire story b/c that would take ages so here's a snip-it of the background and then the e-mail I want to send:

 

We dated for close to 3 years. Things went wrong in our lives that had nothing to do with the r/ship and we didn't cope well. Pretty sure he had a case of GIGS so on top of the crap being thrown at us it made the OW look that much more appealing. He said he wasn't happy and we split over a year ago (Feb 09) amicably. We were in LC for a long time talking about bills stuff...and actually having dinner one night a week every week (except maybe 1). Then we started a long series of on again off again with him likely seeing the OW in between. I know, I know bad on me for letting him act this way...I accept the blame for that.

 

FF to the last 4 weeks we have been acting like a couple again. I ask him about 3 weeks ago what is stopping us from being "more than just friends" and his answer is "he's not opposed to it but he's scared and probably being overly cautious" I tell him I understand why he would be scared and caution is probably not a bad thing but I don't push it any furhter. It's just nice to hear he's not opposed to it. We see each other more go out with friends as a couple even.

 

BUT...when people ask me what I did over the weekend I don't know what to say...b/c when I say "Oh, I went out with my ex"...it feels all wrong. I don't want to call him my ex anymore. So I want to say this:

 

Hey ,

 

A while back we talked about what was keeping us just friends....and you know how I feel about that so I'm not gonna go over that again.... I was confused when I asked you that and after we talked I felt like really I didn't need to be confused I was just looking at this all wrong. What I really needed was a different way to see things.

 

Here's the thing...looking at you as my ex made it confusing. What we have feels new and exciting and I couldn't be happier. I just feel like just calling you "my ex" connects you to a past that shouldn't be associated with what we have now. I'm so much more content when I think of you as " this guy I met and can't wait to see again." Not to mention explaining it to anyone with my old point of view made it really confusing to everyone.

 

We have a past and we can't deny that...but it is the past, we got through it we learned from it, and now we need to leave it where it belongs and just go from where we are. I don't want to change things I just want to take all the lables off and throw them away and start over. Can we just put one on you that says and one on me that says and just be two people started seeing eachother a few weeks ago and like it...and go from there?

 

Me

 

Comments, suggestions, Questions?

 

Bring em on!

[LoveSoDeep]

Wow. Nothing really?

 

 

[rosephase]

I think you might be pushing. Who cares what you call him? What he calls you? It seems to me that you are pushing for some kind of change and you want him to confirm that change. But that is a change you can make by yourself. You never had to call him your ex. You can call him your friend or by his name or whatever. So this e-mail isn't really about how YOU label HIM it's about how you want him to be thinking of you.

 

You want something, some sign or signal that the relationship is headed somewhere. But it sounds like that ball is in his court. You want more. He isn't ready yet. Granted I don't think this is pushing to hard but I do think it's pushing and you have to ask yourself if what you really want to be doing right now is pushing him.

 

You don't know if he is still seeing this other woman.

[LoveSoDeep]

You're right and pushing is not what I want. I'm not sure I can even tell him how I feel without him seeing it as some sort of pushing...but it's not what is intended.

 

I actually want to take the pressure off by telling him what we have is good and I may have freaked out and not realized that before but I'm seeing it differently now and it really helps me...maybe he wants to try my way of looking at it...maybe it will help him too...maybe not. I mean if he wants to see me as his ex I can't stop him.

 

Recently while out with friends a new girl joined the group and when the guys left the table for aminute she aske me if we were together....cue the akward pause...I ended up telling her we were together for 3 years and then it was on and off and that night it must have been on since she was asking...and we'd just go with whatever she thought. I relayed this to him the next day and we got a good laugh out of it...we know it's awkward and confusing to us, our families...and now any random person who happens to ask...I don't think either of us really like how akward it is...I just want to remove the akwardness. Maybe it's not possible.

 

As the dumper I feel like he's afraid that I may never let go of the pain that the BU caused and I want him to know I have...I did long ago.

 

So maybe I'm just not saying it right at all....

 

Correct I don't know for sure if he's still seeing the OW or not...although I suspect he hasn't had time for that lately and asking about that seems like way more pushing than this.

[rosephase]

If you don't want to push just yet then don't bring it up. Realistically the awkwardness of this is minor. So it's a little hard to explain. A lot of relationships are like that. If you want to let him know you are over the break up then just keep doing what your doing. Being his friend seeing where this is going.

 

At this point I would let him lead.

[LoveSoDeep]

If you don't want to push just yet then don't bring it up. Realistically the awkwardness of this is minor. So it's a little hard to explain. A lot of relationships are like that. If you want to let him know you are over the break up then just keep doing what your doing. Being his friend seeing where this is going.

 

At this point I would let him lead.

 

*sigh*

 

I've been doing that since...well a year ago I guess and this is where it got me.

 

You're right the akwardness is minor and I can live with it...heck I have for this long...I just don't want it hanging around forever.

[tattoobunnie]

Just call him your friend.

 

The only why it feels strange, or why you're pushing for a definition is because you want things resolved, hence why it's a big deal to start calling eachother bf/gf for the first time.

 

Are you sleeping together, or just hanging out? If you are "coupling"...then stop...wait until you're back to bf/gf...you've got enough weight to throw around at this point.

[tattoobunnie]

*sigh*

 

I've been doing that since...well a year ago I guess and this is where it got me.

 

You're right the akwardness is minor and I can live with it...heck I have for this long...I just don't want it hanging around forever.

 

If you don't wanna hang around forever, then why are you? I don't mean date everyone under the sun...go out with other friends more. Treat him like your friend. Just because you are doing coupley things, and having it more frequent doesn't mean he's ready.

 

And if you don't get a strong network outside of this...your resentment for him will build and build. Go enjoy yourself doing other things, and hang out with him once in a while. He's got no incentive to try again if you keep giving him psuedo girlfriend privileges, and I don't mean, sex...I mean, the intimacy, the sounding board, the partner activities.

[tattoobunnie]

 

Recently while out with friends a new girl joined the group and when the guys left the table for aminute she aske me if we were together....cue the akward pause...I ended up telling her we were together for 3 years and then it was on and off and that night it must have been on since she was asking...and we'd just go with whatever she thought. I relayed this to him the next day and we got a good laugh out of it...we know it's awkward and confusing to us, our families...and now any random person who happens to ask...I don't think either of us really like how akward it is...I just want to remove the akwardness. Maybe it's not possible.

 

And it doesn't have to be awkward...it's none of anyone else's business.

 

People can spot a couple easily. If you're concerned other "women" are getting too close to your playground, let them play...if your dude is a good, genuine guy, he'll swat them away...or he'll finally do some heavy lifting, and say, "I'm involved."

 

And if you say any of the following, "we're seeing eachother, we're involved, " and he freaks out after it gets back to him, toss him to the curb, cuz he's a wimp, and if he simply asks about it, you finally get to have a conversation about it.

 

Quit overthinking it or rationalize your situation to strangers. You're friends. No one else needs to know about who, what, why, where, when.

 

If there is another women in the picture, you have every right to ask or know about her.

 

And that email...if you're that crazed about it, talk to him. Talk it out. Walking on eggshells and hiding behind emails...that's no life to have.

[LoveSoDeep]

Thanks so much for all your responses!

 

TattooBunny (I haven't figured out the multiple quote thing yet so I'll just respond the best I can).

 

Actually I don't think it's necessary for him to say we are bf/gf...of course that would be nice but I understand that we aren't quite there yet it's something you have to build up to whether it is a new realtionship or a reconciliation and I'm okay with that. I'm one of those peope who really believes that negative thoughts breed negativity in your life and I feel like the negativitiy that goes along with just the title of "the ex" is doing more harm than good.

 

Here's about how we interact: we text pretty much every day while we are both working, we spend at least one night out together each weekend, I am really busy with a show right now but before that we would have dinner at least one other time during the week. When we see each other we greet with a hug and maybe a quick peck on the cheeks or lips, we take turns paying for dinners etc., we don't hold hands but that was never something we did often.

 

When people see us together they assume we are a couple. On the night the other girl asked if we were a couple he was sitting with me touching my leg and we were sharing one drink (they had a pitcher before I came and the waiteress kept forgetting to bring me a glass), he had no problem telling the people in the group he planned to go home with me when they asked if he was driving or taking a cab home. So I don't know you tell me...I'm not sure another girl would hit on him in that situation but I'd like to see his reation if they did...b/c you're right that would tell me a lot. His reaction when I told him that she asked and that I said if she "thought we were a couple we could just go with that for now" was not negative he kinda laughed lightly and agreed that was the easiest way to handle it.

 

He did tell me a young girl hit on him the other night...but it was more like..."can you believe someone this young would hit on me?" I actually went along with it and was like "why not...she an adult...don't guys like the young ones? was she hot?" He played it off like she was just too young....when really she was only 2 years younger than the OW.

 

I do treat him like a friend but I am very loyal and generous with my friends. I agree I do need to make more friends and I am doing that with the show I'm involved in I have met lots of new people...the problem is when I meet new people they say...so what did you do last weekend and I say "I saw a movie with "...(and trust me if I don't say who with they ask) they pick up on the fact that he's somehow special to me and say "oh, really who's that?" and if I say he's a good friend they basically say "oh...yeah right!" Maybe that's part of the problem is that this whole situation comes up more often now that I am getting out there and making new friends...before no one really asked b/c all my close friends already know and now people ask more b/c they don't know.

 

I'm busy 5 nights a week now and will be for a few more weeks now...so I actually will see him less than usual which could be a good thing.

 

This thing with the other woman...I just don't know. He doesn't talk about her...b/c I'm sure he thinks it would upset me. And also the fact of the matter is if we aren't a true decidedly committed couple then he has every right to see who he wants. He seems to waver back and forth between us and if I get the sense he is really with her then I back off b/c I can't handle being the other woman...I do want him back but I'm not going to resort to stealing.

 

I think I do just need to learn how to deal with the questions better. So anyone who did get back together how did you do it?