He gets mad because I'm not available

[Belle]

I started seeing someone, and he seems like a really nice guy. There's a red flag in there, but I was taking my time to see what he's like. We started seeing more of each other in the past week. But then I had plans one night, and was trying to see him afterwards but he didn't seem to be in the mood once he heard I had plans. Then he called for Friday night, and I had already made plans because he waited until Friday to ask me. Normally, he would ask me a few days ahead so I was under the impression that he would hang out with his friends. I didn't want to assume.

 

So... he brings up that I'm always busy. Not true, just twice when we didn't have plans. I told him that I would have rather seen him, but had already made plans. I went a little further to try to explain, but he clearly got annoyed, then stopped texting me all together and hasn't called since.

 

We've only date for a few weeks. And I have to add that he's from a different culture.

 

Should I just run the other way or give him a chance to talk when he calls? This will be the second time I've had to hear him out and I'm thinking it's way too early to have these kinds of misunderstandings.

[DrKitten]

I'm thinking it's way too early to have these kinds of misunderstandings.

 

I have to agree with you there. If you don't mind me asking, what was the initial red flag?

[Belle]

He didn't friend me on facebook. And it's a private private profile.

[Iakasot]

Maybe he got the red flag from you that you "run the other way" too easily and didn't want to over-commit himself emotionally and set himself up for a fall by thinking of you as a friend.

[Belle]

I would have to say the first part is entirely possible. However, it's clear that whereas we are taking things very slow, we're not just friends.

 

The way he withdrew, however, leads me to believe that he is manipulative and childish because he didn't get his way. I was trying to negotiate going out the next day.

[Ac143]

Yup definitely way too early to have these kind of misunderstanding. You told him you already had plans its not like you guys had plans & you bailed. He should definitely be more understanding & not expect you to cancel plans to hang out with him. I dont know if I would stick around especially the immature way he is handling it, its like he is throwing a hissy fit.

[quirky]

 

The way he withdrew, however, leads me to believe that he is manipulative and childish because he didn't get his way. I was trying to negotiate going out the next day.

 

I agree with this. And facebook..dunno, maybe he likes to get a lot of attention..?

 

I'd like to have a guess. I think he comes from a family orientated country with very warm weather, am I right?

[Dako]

Is he MAD, or just possibly feeling he's feeling brushed off?

I'm currently avoiding a woman who seems too busy for my attention. It's a cowardly way to avoid rejection, but I'm guilty as charged.

 

BTW, I'm a guy.

[Sunny1607307996]

The way he withdrew, however, leads me to believe that he is manipulative and childish because he didn't get his way. I was trying to negotiate going out the next day.

 

This is what concerns me. People have busy lives - between friends, family, work and maybe school or volunteering....People are busy! It's ridiculous for him to expect you to be available EVERY time he wants to make plans... especially if he waits to ask you until the same day. It's also pretty disrespectful for him to expect you to drop previous engagements for him when you've only been dating a few weeks.

 

Obviously, adding a relationship to an already busy mix means making sacrifices, but that means sacrifices on his end too (like agreeing to go out the next day, as you suggested.)

 

I agree that it's childish and manipulative for him to just stop contact because he didn't get his way. Maybe he just didn't want to get involved with someone so busy or get hurt by someone who wasn't interested, but I don't think that's the case here. You were obviously interested and open to making plans on different days just not on his schedule.

[Iakasot]

I would have to say the first part is entirely possible. However, it's clear that whereas we are taking things very slow, we're not just friends.

 

The way he withdrew, however, leads me to believe that he is manipulative and childish because he didn't get his way. I was trying to negotiate going out the next day.

 

In all fairness you're coming off as a private person too, like invisible ENA status, etc. at a glance. It would be hypocritical to judge him for being private too. It seems like you're on trigger, ready to "run the other way" at any moment. How is he supposed to feel if he's under that much pressure. You're not telling him any of this. Like "If you do this I'll judge you to be manipulative", or that you're ready to run the other way at the drop of a pen. Does the fact that you tell him you want to hang out with him more than anything else disclose that? Of course it doesn't. Does that make you manipulative if your words don't reflect all your considerations that you're going through on forums far away from a relationship or his knowledge? In my opinion, yes.

[Belle]

I agree with this. And facebook..dunno, maybe he likes to get a lot of attention..?

 

I'd like to have a guess. I think he comes from a family orientated country with very warm weather, am I right?

 

 

Um yeah. But he didn't grow up there. He grew up in Europe. However, the culture is still a bit chauvinistic.

[Belle]

Wow. Some good responses.

 

Dako, I think he thought i was blowing him off. I addressed this and tried to assure him that I would have rather spent time with him. I just can't drop everything for him. We're not at the phase where we slowly stop seeing friends etc.

[Iakasot]

He didn't expect her to drop previous engagements. He stopped trying to make plans or contact her once she said she had plans. Sounds like a "leave and deal with rejection" kind of strategy. How are you ascertaining that he EXPECTED her to DROP plans?

 

Btw, it's completely valid for him to try and protect himself. He doesn't want to get hurt, and the way she's coming off is a type of girl who drops guys easily. So it's a completely valid concern for him, no?

[Belle]

Sunny,

 

I agree whole heartedly. I tried to make it very clear. I do like this guy, but because he's Middle Eastern I have strong reservations. He's not like any I've ever known, however and doesn't appear chauvinistic. I just wish he had handled it better because there was no need to throw a fit.

[Dako]

Wow. Some good responses.

 

Dako, I think he thought i was blowing him off. I addressed this and tried to assure him that I would have rather spent time with him. I just can't drop everything for him. We're not at the phase where we slowly stop seeing friends etc.

 

I usually step back when a lady is busy. It puts the ball in her court and protects me from sticking my neck out, a chore often expected of men.

He might want a clue that you're still there. Guys also protect themselves.

[Iakasot]

Sunny,

 

I agree whole heartedly. I tried to make it very clear. I do like this guy, but because he's Middle Eastern I have strong reservations. He's not like any I've ever known, however and doesn't appear chauvinistic. I just wish he had handled it better because there was no need to throw a fit.

Wow, are you serious? I'd feel so discouraged if I were him and heard that...It's just not right.

[Belle]

In all fairness you're coming off as a private person too, like invisible ENA status, etc. at a glance. It would be hypocritical to judge him for being private too. It seems like you're on trigger, ready to "run the other way" at any moment. How is he supposed to feel if he's under that much pressure.

 

Touchée. I am a private person. That's why I've been giving him a grain of the benefit of the doubt.

 

I'm not sure that he's under pressure so much as he was inflexible and spoiled. There was no suggestion that I would be running anywhere just because he asked me out last minute. That's why I was trying to get another day. As for the last part, I have no idea what you're saying there. It seems a bit convoluted. I tried to communicate, and he chose to pout and withdraw. That's not my fault.

 

You're not telling him any of this. Like "If you do this I'll judge you to be manipulative", or that you're ready to run the other way at the drop of a pen. Does the fact that you tell him you want to hang out with him more than anything else disclose that? Of course it doesn't. Does that make you manipulative if your words don't reflect all your considerations that you're going through on forums far away from a relationship or his knowledge? In my opinion, yes

[Belle]

Wow, are you serious? I'd feel so discouraged if I were him and heard that...It's just not right.

 

You jump to a lot of conclusions. Of course I've never told him this. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. He's a nice guy (barring current episode.) Plus, he makes me think that perhaps my perception has been incorrect..

[Belle]

I usually step back when a lady is busy. It puts the ball in her court and protects me from sticking my neck out, a chore often expected of men.

He might want a clue that you're still there. Guys also protect themselves.

 

Hmm. I wish he hadn't acted the way he did. I was definitely trying to reach out to him and I put myself in a vulnerable spot to do so. I don't think at this point there's much I can do. I communicated, he withdrew. He rejected me. I can't really do anymore.

 

Dako, do you think you'd have felt th4e same if the woman in question had asked for the next night instead? Would you have taken that as rejection?

[Sunny1607307996]

He didn't expect her to drop previous engagements. He stopped trying to make plans or contact her once she said she had plans. Sounds like a "leave and deal with rejection" kind of strategy. How are you ascertaining that he EXPECTED her to DROP plans?

 

 

I assumed that he expected her to drop previous engagements because he gave her X night to hang out with him and when she was busy X night, he refused to hang out Y night instead. That, to me, is expecting someone to drop previous plans. But perhaps I shouldn't have assumed, and the OP can correct me if this is not the case. That was my impression based on the information given.

 

I don't see what him being of a different culture has to do with this, though.

[Belle]

Sunny,

 

You're right. He refused to go out the next night and was hung up on my unavailability Friday night.

 

As for culture, I'm not sure but I get the impression that the men have a bit of a double standard for women. I.e. the woman stays at home and the man has more freedom. This may not be his style, I don't know at this point.

 

I will say that I've never had anyone behave like this because they weren't able to see me a specific night when we had no plans, even if we were in a solid relationship. I have, however, been talked out of said plans.

[Iakasot]

You jump to a lot of conclusions. Of course I've never told him this. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. He's a nice guy (barring current episode.) Plus, he makes me think that perhaps my perception has been incorrect..

 

Okay, say he suspected your M.E. prejudice by seeing your body language, and suspected that you were ready to drop him at any moment. Those suspicions combined with your rejection: do you think all of that gives him valid reasons to withdraw and take some time to think? Actions and body language speak louder than words, IMO. Do you think you might have given off signals that you're the type of girl that drops guys easily? Those signals COMBINED with you saying that you'd rather hang out with him than do anything else and combined with not actually hanging out with him, do you think that could have created fear and doubt in him?

 

I know you talked and communicated with him, but consider this: Say someone cheats on someone else, or there's strong suspicion, the minute the person who cheats starts being defensive, sweet talking or whatever, that confirms to the other person that they're guilty. You might think that you've said everything you need to say that he SHOULDN'T be mad at you given what you've said, but his emotions speak their own story. You can't just expect to change how he feels with words. Say you don't wanna see him anymore, think he'd be able to change how he feels with words? I doubt it. You'd be like "No, I saw this red flag, now he's gone". He's always under that pressure, that could happen at any moment, because you're constantly re-evaluating his actions, and suspecting manipulation. It's fine, you're allowed to protect yourself, but why can't he, just because you think you said "all the right things"? That's my question.

[Sunny1607307996]

I don't think it's necessarily a culture thing. It just sounds like he expects you to hang out with him when he's available and he doesn't like how little free time you have or thinks you're not interested and is cutting his losses. Men don't have to be from another culture to have double standards.

 

Anyway, the real question is are you going to continue seeing him and chalk it up to a bad night or decide this is too much a red flag to dismiss?

[Belle]

I hear you. You really do have valid points. I'm surprised at your perceptions, since you're so young.

 

It is entirely possible that I have had some body language that was uncomfortable. I'm working on that. It's new territory. But I'm still there, and I'm being as open minded as I can. Despite this hiccup, I think he may be a really solid guy. I guess I can't see everything from his side.

 

Yes, I do give the impression that I will drop a guy if he screws up. I dont' like it, but it's true.

 

Yes, saying one thing and still not doing it. I get it.

 

Sweet talking, yes I get it. But I didn't do anything wrong. I did realize in hindsight, however, that a cheating ex talked the same way when he was cheating... ps. we're not even at the cheating/non cheating stage though so this doesn't really apply. We're just dating for now.

 

Well, that's food for thought. Not excuses for his childish behavior. But I can see that in a way, I don't really make it easy. I think I almost set it up to fail because it challenges me to consider someone that I might not have otherwise, if he hadn't been such a sweet guy.

 

Thanks Iaksot

[Belle]

Sunny,

 

Before this post and some intuitive responses, I was ready to chuck it. But now I'm going to think about it and see if he gets over being mad. I know he likes me. I just don't want to chase him and make him think that this type of behavior is the way to resolve anything. If he calls, I think I'm going to have to put some effort into making him more secure and hopefully show him how to communicate/negotiate.