Met a new girl but am not ready emotionally for anything too serious...now she is pulling away

[Live-N-Learn]

My ex and I broke up in January, suedo dated until 30 days ago. I had enough and cut her off nicely and went NC. Met a new girl two weeks ago, made the mistake of sleeping with her 8 times in 10 days. I was totally honest with her the whole time letting her know I was not emotionally ready for a committment and we tried to back off and take it slow. Unfortunatley after some alcohal we kept sleeping together.](*,)

 

Yesterday we talk and she is kinda distant on the phone and I ask her why. She does not come right out and say why, but says she is really attracted to me and has a lot of fun with me. She goes on to kinda hint she is not sure about us and needs to guard her heart.

 

I do not get needy or clingy or try to justify myself but tell her I understand and reasure her that I enjoy our time together and would like to continue seeing her if that is what she decides. We talk a llttle more and get the feeling she is scared I will really hurt her since she knows I am not completely over my ex although I have told her it is over and I just need some time to heal.

 

We end the call and I have not heard from her since. It has been 24 hours. We have text everyday for the past two weeks.

 

I am so thankful I found this site awhile back or I doubt I would have handled this as I have. Should I wait for her to contact me and continue to give her some time to work it out in her mind? I do not want to pressure her in any way. I think I should stay NIC with her right now and wait for her to reach out. I really do want to keep seeing her and think there could be a possibility for us.

 

Do I need to give her more reassurance that I enjoy her and want to continue to spend time with her or leave it alone?

 

I know it is a little early for me to be dating again but I am really starting to accept that it is over with the ex and not holding out any hope. Time to move on. I don't want to lose this girl because she thinks I am not ready.

[coolchick64]

I think she needs reassurance from you and a little pursuit, so I don't know if NIC is right for this situation. However, it all depends on how you really feel. If you're genuinely not sure what you can offer her right now, or if you're sure it's just a fling for you, better to be honest and let her decide what's best for her. If you're open to a new relationship but want to take things slow, I'd give her some more encouragement. From a woman's POV, if it were me, I wouldn't be contacting you. I'd be waiting to hear you're up for it.

[waveseer]

If and when you are ready to move forward with a clear mind and heart then and only then continue with this relationship. She is wise to doubt your availability.

[uhohlala]

I think she needs reassurance from you and a little pursuit, so I don't know if NIC is right for this situation. However, it all depends on how you really feel. If you're genuinely not sure what you can offer her right now, or if you're sure it's just a fling for you, better to be honest and let her decide what's best for her. If you're open to a new relationship but want to take things slow, I'd give her some more encouragement. From a woman's POV, if it were me, I wouldn't be contacting you. I'd be waiting to hear you're up for it.

 

I completely agree with this. In fact I'm presently in this woman's position and have backed off. To protect myself, yes a bit, but mostly because I know that someone who's in the process of healing needs space and needs to make the choice to move on when/if he's ready and willing.

 

Scott, I'm actually a little puzzled as to why you think you ought to go NIC at this point. Does that really seem what's right for her, or is it what's right for you? If it's what's right for you at the moment, by all means that's what you should do (with the understanding that in so doing you're probably ending anything that might be developing between the two of you). But you seem to be casting NIC as what she wants, and I don't follow your logic there.

[Live-N-Learn]

If and when you are ready to move forward with a clear mind and heart then and only then continue with this relationship. She is wise to doubt your availability.

 

I am pretty close but not all the way there. I do not want to run her off. I want to keep seeing her. Maybe just continue to spend time with her and cut out the intamacy? We tried that once but it did not work we ended up sleeping together.

 

I do really like her and think there could be a future, only time could tell. Maybe I call her and see how she is feeling, tell her I was concearned after our talk yesterday and wanted to check in with her? Then just take it from there. If she wants out I will honor her choice and ask if I can call her in the future when I am ready and see if she is still interested.

 

What about just hanging out as friends for now?

[Live-N-Learn]

 

Scott, I'm actually a little puzzled as to why you think you ought to go NIC at this point. Does that really seem what's right for her, or is it what's right for you? If it's what's right for you at the moment, by all means that's what you should do (with the understanding that in so doing you're probably ending anything that might be developing between the two of you). But you seem to be casting NIC as what she wants, and I don't follow your logic there.

 

She basically stated in so many words that she was trying to decide if she wanted to be with me and continue under the current circumstances.I was just thinking I needed to give her some time to figure it out. I only really meant NIC until she contacts me not after that.

[Live-N-Learn]

Ok, I just left her a message. We will see if she calls me.

[waveseer]

I am pretty close but not all the way there. I do not want to run her off. I want to keep seeing her. Maybe just continue to spend time with her and cut out the intamacy? We tried that once but it did not work we ended up sleeping together.

 

I do really like her and think there could be a future, only time could tell. Maybe I call her and see how she is feeling, tell her I was concearned after our talk yesterday and wanted to check in with her? Then just take it from there. If she wants out I will honor her choice and ask if I can call her in the future when I am ready and see if she is still interested.

 

What about just hanging out as friends for now?

 

Friends sounds okay if she's agreeable.

[Convict7]

Why just be friends? You can date her without turning it into something serious. Just consciously don't take those steps to being a "Couple". Dont let the daily texts turn into nightly phone calls. Dont let her sleep over, or you sleep over there. Continue having sex if you both want to, but be aware of not letting her slowly move in. Date. Dating to me is that first feeling out period. You go out, have fun, maybe it leads to sex maybe not, and then you go your separate ways. There is always a goodnight and goodbye. As long as you aren't introducing her to family or going out with her while she shops you are keeping a safe distance. Then if in time you feel good enough to take the next step with her, you make the transition to a couple.

 

If you really are over your ex, and have no more feelings about getting back with her, then I think you are over thinking this. Have fun with this new girl, you said you made it clear you are not ready for serious. If she gets scared reassure her it is only you learning to open up and trust again and has nothing to do with her actions. And has nothing to do with your ex.

[ramsickle1369]

Kinda sounds like you're sending mixed messages. Perhaps she's just keeping her distance so that you can heal? I'm sure she doesn't want to get hurt either...

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, she has not called me back so we will see. I hate when people just check out if that is what she is doing without talking. I will reach out to her one more time.

[Live-N-Learn]

She text me and asked me to call her on my next break in 2 hours. Not sure what to say to make her feel reasured and at the same time not come off weak. I do like her and want to keep seeing her.

[ramsickle1369]

She text me and asked me to call her on my next break in 2 hours. Not sure what to say to make her feel reasured and at the same time not come off weak. I do like her and want to keep seeing her.

 

Expressing how you really feel is never a sign of weakness. It's actually a sign of strength. Few men are good at this and it's what every woman wants...

[uhohlala]

Rather than trying to make a Big Statement, why not make it clear that you would like to spend time with her and continue to interact with her? Yes, she can decide that, under the circumstances, she'd rather not risk it with you -- but unless and until she makes that choice, why would you show anything other than the interest that you feel?

 

Ask her when she's free for you to take her out to dinner or some other nice, datey thing.

[ramsickle1369]

i agree... keep it simple and low key. Wait till you are comfortable with more. Don't try to make it more than it is yet...

[Live-N-Learn]

Ok, so I called her on my break and got her VM. So I sent her a text asking if she had any time to talk. She did not reply. I called her one more time about 2 hours later on my next break and got VM. Sent her a text asking her to give me a call when she has some time to talk. That was 3 hours ago.

 

I feel like I am dealing with my ex all over again! I will not reach out to her again today. I am wondering where to go from here? Just wait for a call from her or reach out one more time tomorrow? If she does not answer I was thinking of sending her a text saying something like this.

 

Hey xxxx please let me know if you would like me to stop reaching out to you. I enjoy spending time with you and hope to have the opportunity to continue getting to know you but only if that is what you want as well. I was hoping to ask you this over the phone but only get your VM. I wish you the best either way.

 

Good or bad idea? I feel like crap now, I reached out, she said call and now nothing after her asking me to call. This sucks

[ramsickle1369]

I feel like I am dealing with my ex all over again!

 

I'm sorry... that sucks. I would say that if it is reminiscent of your ex, you may be better off just walking away or giving space. I'd say not to contact her again. She asked you to call and then doesn't respond. If you continue to try then you will only torture yourself. I know what it's like to continually feel like you're dealing with the same person over and over--even when they are different people.

 

If you can save yourself the torture, try to just leave it be. If she's truly interested, she'll contact you. People don't know what they have till it's gone. It sucks, but it's true. I was never strong enough to stay away long enough to find out. And it's taken me four years and a LOT of pain to let this one go. I don't want to see you go thru the same crap.

 

Hang in there...

[Live-N-Learn]

Got a text from her this morning.

 

I'm sorry I have been distant, but I've been low key this weekend. Wanted to really think us over. Went to church last night. I don't believe we are in the same place in our lives. I have enjoyed our time together so much. I would like to check in sometimes to see how you are doing if you don't mind? I hope your trip has been good.

 

I replied about 3 hours later with:

 

I have enjoyed our time together as well, it has been a blast. I hear what you are saying and respect your decision. Glad to hear you went to church, I plan to do the same. Time to get grounded again. I wish you the very best in your life and yes please do stay in touch.

 

How did I do? It does not sound to me like she is done with me but that she wants to give me time to get over the ex while protecting her heart. Agreed?

[FrenchFries]

I would just say take it for what it is, don't try to read between the lines or find hidden meaning. I would have a very hard time continuing in a relationship with someone who's heart was still connected to an ex. I would have done the same thing. You probably should wait until you are completely over your ex before trying to start another relationship, so you don't find yourself in this situation again.

[Live-N-Learn]

I agree frenchfries. I plan to work on me for now by going to the gym, finding a hobby, work, church and maybe counciling. I really want to learn how to find happiness within myself.

 

I think I obsess over women leaving me because of chilhood abandonment issues. Time to face them.

[coolchick64]

Wow, sorry it went that way but at least you know where she's coming from. And it does sound like the door's still open. I think you did everything you could and handled it well. Give it some time and see how you're feeling/what happens next.

 

Relationships are so complicated, it's a wonder it ever works at all!

[ramsickle1369]

Sounds like you were both honest and respectful. This is an important part of it. Allow you both time to get grounded and maybe things will be different at a future date.

[Live-N-Learn]

Relationships really are complicated! I here ya coolchick. I will be OK and believe this entire heartbreak is helping me to grow. In the end I trust it all of it will be a blessing in disguise.

[Live-N-Learn]

So yesterday she says were not in the same place and today I get this from her.

 

Hi there. Hope your trip was good. Ur text was so sweet. Why would I think it would any different. You are a great guy. It may not be fair of me to say this, but I've had some withdrawls.

 

I don't think she's playing games but not sure how to respond. Any suggestions?

[coolchick64]

Text her back and flirt!