What do I want? Now there's a question.

[laura-j]

OK so, my bf and I were really good friends before we started dating. He's a commitmentphobe (real one, issues deciding anything, and I mean anything.) This is getting in the way of his life, which sucks because he is actually a good guy.

 

The break up took forever... no real clearly defined break up, maybe/maybe not, etc. I wasn't contacting him and he would start emailing and texting again. Talking about nothing really, sports, and banter.

 

We got together last Friday so he could return some stuff and he took me to see his new house. I wasn't planning on talking about us, but he brought it up so we talked. I finally just said, so just tell me if there is no hope for us in the future so I can move on. He was touching my face and running his hands through my hair and telling me that I was the one woman he can never say never to. But now he needs to get his s...t together. As soon as he left I was so confused and then a text "btw you look great" And that was it!

 

I called and said, I need to not talk to you for a month or so, you are sending such mixed signals, he swears he is just being friendly. It was a good talk, but I felt I needed to tell him more about my feelings so sent a long email explaining that I thought a breakup was a good idea and that I hoped we'd be friends someday and that we shouldn't hang out b/c of the mixed messages. That I too couldn't never say never. I asked him to reply and said I'd contact him in june.

 

He replied with a sort of short snarky email. I was super mad. (I know I wrote for myself and I shouldnt' have been mad) Monday, I had some issues with my mom and I had to leave work b/c I was so upset. Who do I run into on the way home? The ex. He's all friendly and I told him to get away from me, and then he came over.

 

We had a real and good talk. He finally IN PERSON broke it off, the others had been over email and phone. Kinda lame. So the next day I was feeling super sorry for myself, like you do. And I started doing some googling and realized about all the commitment issues he has being real and deep and involved with anxiety. He is in therapy and I want to encourage him to continue, as a friend. But part of me wants him back as a BF.

 

Do I break NC to encourage him with the therapy? In my reading I've realized how the things I said and did were the worst ever to do to someone with this type of anxiety, and I want him to know that I actually understand what he is going through now and I want to be there for him.

 

I'm torn, I do want to be a good friend to him. He needs it. Dunno just thinking aloud here. Any thoughts?

[nutbrownhare]

I think you need to back off from this guy and ask yourself why you are so keen to stay involved with someone who keeps sending you mixed signals, cannot commit to anything, and leaves you feeling completely confused. Often being involved with a commitment-phobe can very neatly absolve us of the responsibility to look at our own issues in this area.

 

Reading between the lines, you have been giving him mixed signals, too, and by asking him to give you the final word that there is no hope for you as a couple so that you can move on, you are actually handing over the responsibility for your own wellbeing to him. It belongs with you. And you're unlikely to get proper closure from him because commitment-phobes find saying 'no' as difficult as saying 'yes'.

 

He is already in therapy; do you really think he's so helpless that he can't stay there without your 'encouragement'? Or if he can't stick with it, that you're really going to make a difference?

 

He may well need a good friend, but the history between you makes it much more likely that you will sabotage any progress he makes in therapy in the early stages. A therapist is going to provide much better therapy than you will. Presumably he's capable of making friends, and isn't entirely dependent on you?

 

Don't break NC - it's giving both of you a chance to heal. It sounds as though you're still in pain, and having a lot of conflicting feelings and thoughts at the moment - just stick with them, and let yourself know what it's telling you about yourself and YOUR issues. He's already being taken care of elsewhere, and he's isn't your responsibility. But you are!

 

Good luck!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with nutbrownhare. His emotional hangups are not your concern and contacting him will only set you back with your healing. I have very little sympathy for people with commitment issues who do the push pull dance, because they create too much pain and drama to the people around them.

[laura-j]

Hey there, thanks. I guess I am still confused and it is best for me to stay away. Honestly I think he could bolt from the therapy. He has the means to run from things and has for many years. And I hope he doesn't. That is his only hope for real contentment and happiness for himself, and any chance for him to be good for me.

 

I think I'm having a hard time letting go becaue he was one of my best friends before we got together, and we had a really strong bond when we were together before he freaked out. Talking all the things everyone wants, love, kids, living together, travel, businesses dreams, etc. I have to believe in my heart that he actually did feel those things at the time. So I lost one of my best friends and my boyfriend all at once.

 

He doesn't have any real close friends near by. So I guess I was thinking that being a friend was more selfless that it might really be. I just want him to be encouraged and know he is cared for. Which seems to be lacking in his life.

 

I can't promise I won't contact him, but I will think on it a bit more before I do.