Question about women in love with an unavailable man

[Universe2]

If you were in love with a man who was in a happy healthy long-term relationship, but he also had very deep feelings for you though did not plan to leave his girlfriend, would you want him to share his feelings with you? Or would it be easier (less confusing) if he just kept it to himself?

 

Basically, I'm in a situation where I care about this girl more than I ever have for anyone with the exception of my wonderful girlfriend whom I have no intention of leaving or cheating on. I'm still in love with my girlfriend. But I've found I have the capacity to have strong feelings that far surpass friendship for another. I have a very strong desire to fulfill her needs. She is a little bit younger (I'm 31, she's 23) and has never had a real relationship. She's never had anyone give her what she clearly deserves.

 

I'm in a working situation with her where we spend a lot of time together and will have to continue to do so indefinitely. I would have been more careful to stave off this situation, but up to this point she was a lesbian. So I let my guard down. But now it's clear that her feelings for me have over-ridden her lesbian nature. I can tell she's having feelings of depression over it. She hasn't been sleeping.

 

I really want to do the responsible thing. But I also have a strong desire to comfort her and show her that she is, indeed, loved by the man that she loves.

 

Telling her how I really feel I'm afraid will simply heighten the intensity of her feelings and aggravate her confusion. It's like - "Hey, you win! I love you. But, at the same time, you lose because I'm gonna go be happy with someone else and you'll have to be alone."

 

But not telling her, aside from being dishonest, will leave her wondering how strong my feelings for her really are.

 

Can anyone give me some perspective on this?

[XxJustMexX]

I know she's your friend and you want to comfort her, but you have to think of your relationship with your CURRENT girlfriend... Long story short, do what you would feel comfortable doing in front of your girlfriend without hiding it... otherwise it's not healthy for your relationship. In other words, I doubt your girlfriend would be happy knowing you're telling another woman you love her... therefore, don't.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you have to make a decision if you want to remain in a committed monogamous relationship with your gf, then you cannot tell her how you feel. Telling her how you feel is only going to make the situation more volitle and confusing for the both of you.

[AutumnBreeze49]

I agree with the pp's... it sounds like if you tell her, it'll open a can of worms that with probably ruin your current relationship. Decide which woman is more important to you, which one can't you live without?

[Batya33]

I think you answered your own question by the way you buried in words and psychobabble your real intentions -which are mostly selfish. It is not loving to share your feelings with someone who you won't be with when you know that person would be hurt by that. The rest of what you wrote is an attempt to rationalize and justify with abstract concepts/psychobabble your desire to let it all hang out and have the ego boost of these two women who are into you. Whose to say, anyway, that knowing she is loved by you will be a positive experience for her? Sure, there is a part that is well-intentioned but if you truly felt that way you wouldn't need to do all this analysis and rationalizing.

 

What I would do is leave this woman alone (or introduce to her to available men) and do some hard thinking about whether you can truly commit to your girlfrined.

[Speranza]

This comes accross as someone trying to justify their desire to enter grey territory.

 

So you tell her - then your next thread is: "I told her I had feelings now she wants me to act on them - is it unfair not to?"

 

And the third: "My g/f is angry about my emotional affair..."

 

And a fourth? "I love two women and both are pregnant..."

 

 

Google the rhyme 'for the want of a shoe' and keep saying to yourself, "And all for the want of a horseshoe nail."

 

You KNOW you are on risky territory and I am not going to pretend otherwise, nor justify your curiosity about forbidden fruit. It's not 'dishonest' to not tell her. It will not comfort her because you are not available. How ridiculous to think it would - unless you have a hidden agenda. Perhaps it's hidden even from you right now but - turn back while you can and concentrate on the woman you are with.

 

Or leave her so you are free to comfort other women.

 

(Don't mean to be harsh here, just blunt!)

[NightLily]

To me you sound like the type of person who likes a good drama. "She is so hurt and an angel who has been robbed of what she deserves.. I want to give it to her to fix her broken heart.. but we are held apart."

 

So this is what happens: You tell her how you feel and then start making out. One thing leads to another and you are getting hot and heavy.

 

If reading that ^ makes you feel guilty then I would say cut down the contact and focus on your girlfriend. If it turns you on (which IS in the forbidden fruit way) then I think you should do your girlfriend the courtesy of breaking up and letting her find a guy more faithful in his heart and go after this girl.

 

Until you meet your next broken angel you need to fix.

 

Sorry but been there done that and know all too well where this is going.

[geekgirl4]

Sorry to be harsh but you need something to knock you off your high horse. You say you love your girlfriend but then talk about this connection you have with another girl and your desire to tell her your feelings? In this entire message all you're trying to do is justify yourself. Batya is 100% right. And honestly, I don't think you can commit to your girlfriend. Seriously, you want to show that girl that a man loves her? *shakes head* your poor girlfriend. It seems the only thing bothering you is whether you should tell that girl or not, rather the fact that you are emotionally attached to two different women.

[Speranza]

but up to this point she was a lesbian. So I let my guard down. But now it's clear that her feelings for me have over-ridden her lesbian nature. I can tell she's having feelings of depression over it. She hasn't been sleeping.

 

btw I am pretty sure my lesbian friends would be doubled up in laughter at this bit. 'I can tell' isn't the same as 'she's told me'. Are you sure you aren't just living in deluded hope?

[SustainNich]

Ugh, please don't take this offensively but I think you need to throw all emotions out and step outside of the box and "check yourself". Why are you being attracted to someone who is vulnerable and weak, and confused? She was a lesbian...and she decided now she is not, because she met you? Really?

 

Not so much.

 

My brother is gay and he would be choking up about this. I think you may be confused and you need to evaluate yourself. Maybe you need to work on yourself? I would stop whatever is going on because it is not going to go anywhere. Goodluck to you and I hope you work things out.

[Kumatora]

I have a very strong desire to fulfill her needs. She is a little bit younger (I'm 31, she's 23) and has never had a real relationship. She's never had anyone give her what she clearly deserves.

And quite frankly, it's none of your business. You have no business to feel impulsed by fulfilling "her needs." What needs? She's 23... she's a big girl and can take care of herself. Whatever those "needs" are that is something SHE needs to work out on her own, not to be intervened or supported by you when you already have a girlfriend. Who's to say that she absolutely need a man in her life? No one else but her.

 

You say you are absolutely in love with your girlfriend, yet you are following an infatuation which is endangering your current relationship. You have two choices here: Tell your girlfriend the honest truth and break up, or stop letting the infatuations get to you by cutting this girl out of your life right now. You cannot have both or you will end up hurting someone. None of these women deserve to be hurt by you. Either way, you owe it to your girlfriend with your honesty or you will end up hurting her in the long run.