Love of my life, the sex is killing me.

[BobsYourUncle]

I am ashamed it has come this far, that I'm on an internet forum asking strangers for advice, but I don't know where else to turn.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together 2.5 years, and I'd say we're essentially soul-mates. When one of us is upset or worried, the other keeps a cool head and knows just what to say and how to fix things. We both have our hobbies and interests, and we've been learning to enjoy each others. We cook healthy meals together, shop together, cuddle and watch tv together. Go on dates, to the movies, out for dinner... she likes going to the zoo to see the animals and dinosaur exhibit... I think she likes them even more than I do. We excersize together, go out to the bar, clubs dancing, together or with alone when we want to spend time with our friends. We've never fought. Whenever we've had issues we've talked them through, shed our tears, and come out loving each other even more. All in all we both have a very fufilling relationship that we'd both been looking for.

 

Everything is great, except for the sex. When we started dating, we were both busy with school so we never had much sex, which I was okay with. I thought things would improve. We have sex maybe once a week if I'm lucky, sometimes once every two weeks. I'm trying to be attentive to her needs, to her desires. I ask her all the time what she wants, she never really wants anything from me. I make her come at the drop of a hat when I finger her or perform oral sex on her, which I do almost every time we have sex because I know she likes it and I want to please her. I even try to take the edge off and offer her unconditional pleasure, denying myself and eating her out, hoping she will know how much I only want to enjoy her. I bite my tongue when I know she's not in the mood and masturbate when I can't take it.

 

When we do have penetrative sex, she usually just lies there. She'd hinted once that she liked to be dominated aggresively by her man, so I tried that. Usually it made no difference, occasionally it turned her off even more. She DID flat out tell me once how she liked bondage and being tied up, so after making her dinner and sharing a candle-lit bath this last Valentines, I surprised her with a piece of silk rope during our love making and tried to approach her gently with the idea of being tied up. She pretty much turned ice cold and made me "finish" so I wouldn't bother her for sex anymore. A year ago I asked her to stop taking birth control because I suspected it was messing with her libido. It helped a little at first, I bought her the special latex-free condoms because the latex ones dried her out and she never knew why, bought her a $40 bottle of lube that didn't contain any of the other chemicals I finally concluded she was sensative to. Things went smoothly for a month, she seemed interested in sex again. Now we're back where we started. I've been excercising with her to try improve her body image and self-esteem, helping her eat healthier, got her allergy tested and now she's in a much better and steadier state of health... but if there's any progress in the bedroom I haven't noticed.

 

Twice in the last six months has she actually given me oral sex, and it's always reluctantly when I ask her. She usually won't. She strickly forbade me from orgasming during oral, not that I think I could, enthusiastic as she is about the act.

 

I also have a kink for anal sex. Not just a kink, I guess this is a full out fetish. Upon request she's let me touch, and only touch, her anal area twice, with great reluctance, and to her great disapproval. I enjoy anal stimulation myself, and I let her know this after the first month we were dating. She seemed okay with it. At the time I asked her what she would think of a little role-reversal with a strap-on or feeldoe. She said she didn't know, I thought we might grow into that.

 

Normally when we have an issue, we just talk it out, and about a year into the relationship I brought up the subject of anal sex, and wanted to know how she was feeling about it. Nothing was accomplished except hurt feelings, she flat out told me that my desires were disgusting and that she would never do that to me. That was a difficult night. I became very frustrated, began doubting myself and considering if I was gay, or bi. I watched some gay porn, went along with her to gay bars (her friends are gay, and she likes going there because nobody hits on her there), but I know I'm not gay, not even bisexual. I don't find any sexual or emotional appeal from men.

 

I brought up the anal issue again this january, this time she said she was "trying" to get better with the idea, and that I was "pressuring" her and that it wasn't helping. I don't bring it up very often because that's exactly what I didn't want to do. I've been bottling up these desires of mine for almost 3 years, bringing up the subject only every couple months, explaining to her how I wasn't trying to hurt her, how I only wanted us to expand our sexual relationship... Share in more things with her. I told her how cleanliness is an absolute must, so she wouldn't be frightened by that... I keep myself exceptionally well trimmed and groomed.... How things need to be taken slowly, and how I was willing to wait and go as slow as she's needed.

 

But we're almost three years into the relationship and she has yet to take a first step of her own. She doesn't offer me any type of sex other than vaginal missionary and she doesn't even move during sex unless I ask her to! I don't want to goad her, but I can't bottle myself up. My sexual needs aren't being met... I've been experiencing bouts of depression when she's particularly sexually withdrawn. The vanilla sex we have occassionally is barely enough to keep me sane.

 

We're both 24, she keeps telling me she won't reach her sexual peak until she's almost 40, and that's her most common excuse. I don't know how long I can wait, or if she'll even change that much by then.

 

The other 95% of our lives together are beautiful, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but I'm a very sexually active guy who's bottling up his sexual needs for the sake of the relationship, and I'm starting to break down. Bouts of depression aside, I had a temper when I was a child, and I'm beginning to see my self-control that I spent years honing tearing at the seams. When I'm alone I've become more and more prone to fits of rage, followed swiftly by depression.

 

A few nights ago she said she was "glad we got our sex problem figured out." I could have cried, I'm afraid to talk to her about it again, I've just been keeping it all inside...

 

If I leave her I will lose the love of my life, but if I don't I'm going to lose my mind.

[hexaemeron]

Is the love of your life worth losing your life to love?

[Catdancer]

Wow. Have you been to counseling together? Couples counseling? To at least get her to open up. And then maybe sex counseling. She sounds very very contained and repressed. If she can open up during counseling, maybe she will trust herself to let go a little more.

 

Other than trying to unblock her psychological block, there isnt much that you havent tried.

[Brigadoon]

Oh you poor thing! I'm so sorry to hear about problems like this in otherwise happy relationships. You are both obviously having communication problems relating specifically to sex but is there any other reason that she may find sex difficult? Was she ever subjected to any form of trauma in that respect? If so she would undoubtedly require some form of help in that area, in fact even if not she would benefit from it anyway.

[arwen]

This is not an easy situation. It's clear to me that you love your gf very much, and are willing to do anything to improve this situation. I doubt that your sexlife is satisfactory to her. My thought is that the 'anal issue' lies at heart of the problems you are facing. You call it a fetish, and she wants nothing to do with it. I think that from her side, she is scared that what you really want is something she can't offer you. You're either into anal sex or you aren't. Personally, I have tried once and I hated it. It was extremely painful and it just didn't feel right. Maybe your gf feels you 'expect' from her to cross her boundary in this sense.

 

Obviously, that can't be all. You have tried a lot of things to improve the situation. But have you ever explicitly discussed this with her? When it comes to sex, it's sometimes very hard for couples to really communicate. I know that is the case for my and my man as well. Still, when it is driving to a point where you start wondering if you should even leave her, it's time to start talking.

[jettison]

I just want to introduce a concept to you about the laws of attraction (and lust, and mating, and sex). Often, the best sex we have in life is with partners who we don't get along with all that well out of the bedroom. Psychologically, this frees our minds up so much because we aren't inviting all of the "nice, perfectness" into the bedroom with us, and we can feel completely free and uninhibited. This is often why "the best friend" of the girl never ends up in her pants. She is playing a role with that friend, psychologically, and he can choose one or the other. He can either be "the guy that would never let me down", or else he can be "the guy that would force himself on me and have his way with me". Both are attractive fantasies, but both are just fantasies.

 

Sometimes, we get so close, so trusting with a partner that they become like family. They would never let us down, they always have our best interests at heart, and they are our best friends. For some people, this works in fine with their sexuality. For the vast majority of people it does not. Or better said, it works terrifically for awhile, until the closeness grows and grows and grows, and your affinity rises further still. At some point, the lover becomes the family member.

 

If your delirious sexuality toward this partner is still intact at this moment then consider yourself extremely lucky. You are in the minority. For most couples, given enough time, this transition is almost an imperative, however, and your passion-filled romps become something like "really enjoyable exercise".

 

Then, the blame game begins. "He doesn't do this enough", "She doesn't want to go down one me", "he doesn't tell me I'm pretty enough", etc. etc. These are all just projections and masks, however, because the underlying problem is too difficult and honest a subject for most. Romantic passion, eventually, dies in almost every couple that has ever existed. If you're one who was lucky enough to have 5, 10, 25 years.... you're blessed. Most are not. Still, it's a fun little exercise to work through these problems with a mate who has transitioned into something different, somehow always missing the puppeteer, or the man in the machine .

 

In any case, if you value "hot sex" above all else, think about dumping this terrific partner of yours. However, if "hot sex" is much lower on your list, and you can step back and see the dynamic for what it really is, then you don't have to play the blame game, thinking "there is something wrong with me", or "there is something wrong with her." There isn't anything wrong with either of you anymore then there's something wrong with a white cloud that eventually turns dark gray and releases moisture. It simply is. It is natural and beautiful.

 

p.s. It's obvious she loves you quite a bit. I consider you lucky, and would be happy to trade places with you. (this, from a guy who has been having "hot, crazy" sex for the last month, but doesn't have what you have right now.)

[russ978]

Two extremes :

 

1. Stay and hope it gets better.

 

2. Get out of the relationship.

 

You may love her but the two of you seem completely imcompatable in the bedroom. You're ruining the best years of your life because your in love with an idea, not a person.

[Pinnsvini]

Do you know what her parents attitude to sex was? If she was brought up in a strongly religious household, or just a household where her parents made it clear sex was morally objectionable, that will have affected her being able to have a normal sexual relationship without feeling guilty.

Or, in a worse but less likely case, she has been abused/raped at some point but hasn't told you, but due to the nature of your relationship it seems quite unlikely.

As for anal, I don't think that is necessarily related to her repressed nature sexually; I'm open minded but couldn't do anal I don't think. It is unfortunate that it happens to be your thing that gets you going.

But she certainly has some issues that seem fairly deeprooted. This kind of attitude to sex isn't normal or healthy and is indicitive that SOMETHING isn't right here.

[Kev380]

Theres nothing sick about your sexual desires. She shouldnt be so uncooperative. its one thing to not be interested, but its wrong of her to be offended or get angry.

im also interested in anal stimulation, and theres nothing wrong with it and it doesnt mean your gay or bisexual. its clear you wont ever be satisfied with the unattentive missionary sex she lets you have with her.

Sex is a normal part of every romantic relationship, your not the one who has sex problems, its her. if you really care about her, you should tell her she needs to work on her sex problems, and youll be there to help her. if she refuses, it might be the end of the relationship, but if you just let things go the way they are going, the relationship doesnt have a chance. also, saying she hasnt reached her sexual peak yet is a lame excuse, most 24 year olds, men or women, are interested in sex. if shes like this now she will be when shes 40, your right about that.

You need to talk to her again, but not like in the past. you dont need to apologize for anything, so be serious with her. Its not working as it is, you cant go your whole life without sex, and you deserve for her to be interested in you when you do have sex. lots of other girls are interested in sex, so unless she wants you to have an affair or she wants to end the relationship, she needs to work on her problems.

[Mauxly]

Two extremes :

 

1. Stay and hope it gets better.

 

2. Get out of the relationship.

 

You may love her but the two of you seem completely imcompatable in the bedroom. You're ruining the best years of your life because your in love with an idea, not a person.

 

Eh...not that simple.

If you've read any of my posts you know that I place a high importance on sexual compatibility, but reading this thread has taken me aback. While I tend to have absolutely fabulous and passionate sex with my boyfriends, I haven't had the loving/best friend relationship that OP describes in 15 years. Only had one relationship like that to be honest and truly regret ever giving it up. I don't think he should jump ship because of this (I can't believe I'm typing this!). The relationship described is rare and he may not find it again.

 

I'm not responding because I have the answers, it sounds like you've done everything you can. I'm mostly responding to weigh in with a DON'T DUMP HER...yet...

 

There has to be a solution to this.

 

So you've ruled out birth control as the issue.

 

Have you ruled out depression?

 

Has she ever been abused/raped/molested?

 

What are her core values? Maybe she has an image of sex as being 'dirty' because she was raised to believe this? Not sure how easy this can be to overcome.

 

Maybe you are pressuring her too much? I believe that people should be sexually pleased by their partners, so I don't want to get on you for expressing your needs. But if you are putting too much pressure on her you could be repulsing her.

 

Have you talked to her about how she really feels about you? I know she loves you, but maybe she can't look at you in a sexual way anymore (another poster eluded to this).

 

If she liked to be dominated in bed at one point, I’d hazard a guess that she’s attracted to alpha male types, she may be sexually aroused by someone who is both physically and emotionally stronger than she is. Can you start doing this? Work out, buff up…take control of situations in your everyday life?

 

NOT trying to blame you. But keep exploring every avenue with this. I know I'm kind of wildly batting at things and many of my questions may seem silly. But I'm trying to help.

[BobsYourUncle]

Thank you everyone for the advice, it's been helping to settle my mind and although I don't look forward to it, tonight we're going to have to talk.

 

Arwen: Yeah, we need to have a serious discussion. I can't believe that the anal issue lies at the heart of her sexual tension, I try to go above and beyond to highlight everything BUT my fetish...I'm sorry that it didn't work for you, either. Done correctly and with proper caution and care it should be the exact opposite of painful; I was more than happy to learn the do's and dont's myself, but it's just very hard to think we might be on irreconcilable sides of the fence on this.

 

Jettison: I know, and I cherish what we have because I know it's more important than sex should be... But my common sense and sexual appetite are in constant struggle over this. I was a virgin before I met her, I've never had hot crazy sex.

 

Mauxly: I know what we have is a rare thing and it would be silly to throw it all away because of sex... But I can't get past it, this basic biological urge of my body, and I already feel it starting to affect me mentally... It's such a small part of the relationship overall but when it grips me and I can't find satisfaction... It's just devistating. It's killing my own self-esteem.

 

Thank you all again, I'm going to talk with her tonight.

[Hermes]

Bob:

 

It is most important you visit a sexologist (a psychologist who specialises in advising on the issues you mention). I would bet anything that your girl has issues that have nothing to do with you, but may well go back to her FOO, upbringing, education, complexes.

Such frigidity is not normal.

 

All the best

H

[Hermes]

By visit a sexologist I mean both of you together.

 

IMO talking to her yourself is not going to do any good.

 

H

[BobsYourUncle]

Hermes: Yeah... I am definitely thinking about it. One way or the other, to ask her to go I have to raise the point that we have sexual issues. I guess that should be the point of the discussion.

[Hermes]

Bob:

 

A professional knows the right questions to ask her, and how to ask the questions. IMO before you can resolve this problem, you have to get to the bottom of the "whys".

 

For both your sakes.

 

H

[MarmiteCrumpet]

I think she sees you more as a best buddy and not as a lover.

[BobsYourUncle]

I talked with my girlfriend last night and asked if she wanted to see a sex therapist with me. She agreed, but didn't quite understand, so we did have a heart-to-heart as well. I let her know what I was feeling and she let me know hers. As for the anal issue and her overall reluctance, she's just not comfortable with either and I can't make myself change, so hopefully we can find some resolution with the therapist. We were able to come to a resolution on other smaller issues we were having with each other, but ultimately the core issues we need help with.

 

BUT! There were a few people whom suggested deeper sexual and trust issues regarding family, upbringing, and abuse. Here's the shocker, she commented that the therapist was going to ask her about these things and she would have to say "yes, but I already know that." To which my response was "wait, what?!" I knew she came from a less than perfect home, but she'd never confided these things in me before, and I told her that knowing about these things isn't the point, a therapist would know how to help her and us deal with and recover from these traumas, which seemed to reassure her. I think she was a bit misinformed about the role a therapist would take...

 

I have no doubt I could use the therapy myself, while I don't think there's anything wrong with my interests I probably am suffering from some sexual addiction.

 

And my God! I think I just figured out why! I can't believe I never thought of it... Make that sexual addiction and trust issues. I'm not going to get into the gritty details of our pasts, but I just wanted to thank you all for the advice, it's really opened our minds and we're definitely booking ourselves in with a local sexologist. We're still very much in love and willing to work things out.

 

Thank you!

[kenshinkitten]

Good Luck BobsYourUncle! Let us know if you need anymore advice.

[Mauxly]

Thanks for the awesome thread! I know you came here for help, but you've actually helped me. This gives me a renewed faith in relationships.

[across]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I was in almost exactly the same position with my last long-term girlfriend. Even down to the anal sex - I really love anal but my ex felt it was something that I should do without because she didn't like it, that it was one of the "sacrifices" I should be making for the sake of the relationship.

 

We were actually together for over 5 years and I put up with the twice a week sex and general lack of interest to experiment because we were compatible on just about everything else. We liked the same movies, she's one of the few people who can keep up with me on a 15 mile hike in the mountains, and living together was totally without friction. We even had the same system for filling ice cube trays. It was just that with sex she liked where she was, and she had no desire to do counseling or accommodate me. We were thinking of getting married, and had been living together for about 4 years.

 

Finally, out of the blue, I had the epiphany that I was never going to have anal sex again for possibly the rest of my life unless I cheated on my girlfriend/soon to be wife. And I mean out of the blue. I was driving home from work and started thinking about it, and I realized that this wasn't going to work for me.

 

I told her that evening I wanted to break up and move out. I felt guilty because I was dumping an otherwise good relationship because of what I felt at the time was a selfish motive. Additionally she was flabbergasted that I was giving everything up because I hadn't had anal sex in 5 years.

 

All of a sudden she was interested in trying more things and counseling. Sorry, but I had to call "extremely bad timing" on that. I had my stuff packed and was staying with an army buddy by the end of the weekend.

 

Fast forward a few years ("few" because I'm older than most people here). I've been married for three years now and we have anal sex about twice a month or so. She has a great butt so just writing about that right now is giving me a hardon... lol. My wife doesn't get anything out of it except mild discomfort, but she's game since I enjoy it so much. She detests the movies I like and I when we hike together I move at a snail's pace. Also, she overfills the ice cube trays which drives me crazy.

 

But to get to the point of my rambling rant: when I go to see Iron Man this weekend I will go with my friends. I have other people I can backpack with if I'm in the mood to do the entire Half-dome hike in 16 hours. But my partner is the ONLY one I can have sex with. I'm putting this in bold because even though it sounds so obvious, I was 32 before I really internalized that simple fact. In hindsight, splitting up with my ex was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life, even though it felt so impulsive at the time.

 

If you are unsatisfied with your sex life, and think you will continue to be unsatisfied, please, please, break up. It's like owning a car that you absolutely love except it's too small for your legs and your knees hurt every time you're in it. It's a deal breaker, you need to accept that and move on.

[arcadefire]

This is purely from a subjective and anecdotal point of view.

 

There are so many more things to a relationship than sex. Sure, sex is important. Before I met my current bf, I enjoyed oral, giving and receiving. However, my bf is unable to perform oral (and along the same vein, myself for him) because he is afraid of spreading his cold sores down there (basically it's a strain of herpes).

 

I decided to live without it, and although we've talked through practicing it safely (with condoms or dental dams) we just decided not to bother at all. Sometimes I do wish that I can receive/give oral again, but then again, everything else about my bf is perfect for me and I can readily give up not practicing/receiving oral again.

 

As for your situation, my best advice is to think about why you want to practice anal so much. Is it so pleasurable that vaginal intercourse cannot do for you? For example can doing her from behind but not anally give you the same amount of pleasure?

 

And as for her, only wanting to do plain vanilla missionary every time for sex? Hopefully the sexologist can open her up to other pleasurable positions. She also needs to work on opening up to new and enjoyable ways to have sex.

 

My basic advice is to think about which things are most important to you in life. For me, doing without oral is definitely worth the love my bf gives to me. Is anal sex really that important to you that you need to search all over again for someone who may not be so compatible with you (in every day areas)?

[generaldiscord]

Aww, I'm sorry...

 

There are things you could try.

 

Try to tell her things you want in bed in a non-verbal way. Usually if a guy says something like, "could you go down on me?" or "try moving a little bit more" or "let's try doggy", it kind of makes me feel like I'm on stage. Any conversations you have about sex are probably better had outside of the bedroom.

 

She mentioned that she liked bondage, but turned to ice when you tried it. That's a little bit odd, but it's probably because she doesn't know exactly what she wants from you, and you have no idea what she wants. It's possible that BDSM is the only thing she thinks about while masturbating, but that she's never actually tried it in real life. If there is a way to snoop into her porn folder without ever ever ever being caught, I would do that. Keep in mind that there is a huge distinction between fantasy and reality, so what you could find might be hugely exaggerated versions of what she'd actually be willing to try.

 

Try being dominant without ropes. Bite her (gently, no marks!) slap her (respectfully, no bruises) and hold her arms down while you're at it (but if she gets upset, let her go!).

 

I can't think of any way a submissive female could be attracted to penetrating a male partner. If she ever does lean to that, it will be after she learns to enjoy sex for sex's sake. It would be something she would do for the enjoyment of seeing your pleasure.

 

As for initiating anal with her, I would again advise approaching it in a non-verbal way as much as possible. If she's uncomfortable being fingered, try putting a condom over your finger. She might just be self conscious about the smell or the mess.