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He's not over his ex-girlfriend yet.. don't really know what to expect.


sheenietee

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Alright, so I met this amazing guy about 2.5 weeks ago and ever since then we've basically hung out/gone on dates everyday since then. He's a great guy, he's a professional dance instructor, he's romantic, intelligent, successful, driven, very nice etc. The issue though, college just ended for the summer (I'm 19, he's 21) and we're from different states (they're neighboring though) and he has admitted to me that he's still not ever his ex so he doesn't want to start anything with me until he is.

 

Info that I know about her (they dated for 4 years or months.. I know, big difference, but I couldn't hear him). She cheated on him. They were long distance. They went through a lot together since her mom died while they were dating. Lastly, he said "she might still like me".. idk if that is his wishful thinking or if she said something to him.

 

He told me while we were in bed 2 nights ago that every long-term gf has cheated on him and that he's sick of being hurt and that I shouldn't wait for him over the summer because he's "messed up and has a lot of problems and [he's] really not that great of a guy" which he totally is.

 

Before he had told me he wanted me to visit him over the summer and he would visit me, after he said the above ^ I asked "so, you don't want to meet up over the summer?" and he said "what gave you that idea?" and I said, "well, you said to not wait for you." and he said "of course I want to , I just happen to change my mind a lot.

 

Also, he was perfectly down with me living with him over the summer in his apartment.. which I obviously turned down. It seems like he really does like me.. but I don't know what to think of him? I'm not dating him til he thinks he's ready though. and idk how to make things work over the summer.. what should I do?

 

Oh, and the other thing. He has since dated another girl since the ex he's not over with. Their relationship lasted 7 months and he broke up with her recently at the end of March. He admitted to not being as invested in her as he should have been and was still hung up on the other girl while dating her.

 

I don't want to be a rebound girl and I think he's been handling things well since he is being so very open and honest about everything and made it clear that he doesn't want to hurt me by asking me out before he's over her.

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He told me while we were in bed 2 nights ago

 

I'm not dating him til he thinks he's ready though

 

I would say that it is too late to say you are not dating him until he is ready since you were already in bed together...you have already joined the ranks of rebound girl. It is now a matter of whether or not you decide to continue being rebound girl to a guy who only wants the physical aspect of relationships but not the emotional part.

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I would say that it is too late to say you are not dating him until he is ready since you were already in bed together...you have already joined the ranks of rebound girl. It is now a matter of whether or not you decide to continue being rebound girl to a guy who only wants the physical aspect of relationships but not the emotional part.

 

Well, we have done other stuff but we haven't had sex and he seems to like me for more than the physical aspect. After all, he does want to see me over the summer, was willing to have me live with him, was willing to meet my parents, and has talked about me with and introduced me to his close friends.

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Well, we have done other stuff but we haven't had sex and he seems to like me for more than the physical aspect. After all, he does want to see me over the summer, was willing to have me live with him, was willing to meet my parents, and has talked about me with and introduced me to his close friends.

 

Alright, so I met this amazing guy about 2.5 weeks ago

 

You have only known each other 2.5 weeks...this guy is already asking you to live with him etc...and sleeping in the same bed and doing "other stuff" is indeed physical. This guy wants to lose himself in the fantasy so that he doesn't have to deal with his heartache. If you continue with this guy you will end up in the same situation as the one he strung along for many months. This guy is not looking to connect with with someone, he is simply trying to find someone, anyone, to help him in his pain.

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i think you can tell if someone is completely over about their past relationship if they don't even mentioning their ex's name, Being married with someone that still affected about their past relationship is really hard to deal with emotionally, i am the living witness..so before you commit yourself to him please make sure that he completely move on.

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What exactly is he doing that makes you think it is worth it to stay?

 

I hate to say it, but I agree with crazyaboutdogs (no offense CAD, lol!).

 

This has happened to me before, and it does not matter how "far" you've gone with him. You two have jumped into something very quickly, yet he is still very openly into his ex.

 

You are a rebound, and you should leave.

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What exactly is he doing that makes you think it is worth it to stay?

 

I hate to say it, but I agree with crazyaboutdogs (no offense CAD, lol!).

 

This has happened to me before, and it does not matter how "far" you've gone with him. You two have jumped into something very quickly, yet he is still very openly into his ex.

 

You are a rebound, and you should leave.

 

Well, he really does seem like the perfect guy aside from his emotion baggage with his ex. He told me he doesn't want to start anything until he feels over her and I trust that he will do that. He didn't expect to meet me and had planned on staying single and not being held down by anyone (which I think he should do to properly get over her).

 

I was considering writing him a facebook message saying that he needs to get over her before we continue anything and that maybe we shouldn't meet over the summer to allow for his proper healing.. would this be a bad idea?

 

I do like him but I am fine with simply being his friend and caring for him until he's over her. I'm not "waiting around" for him, but I'm also not openly seeking or looking for other men. If I happen to randomly meet someone else.... which I doubt will happen, then I will follow through with it, if not.. is there truly harm in seeing if things change?

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I was considering writing him a facebook message saying that he needs to get over her before we continue anything and that maybe we shouldn't meet over the summer to allow for his proper healing.. would this be a bad idea?

 

I would tell him in the most direct way possible. Like over the phone, if you can't do it in person. I don't understand ... if he said that he doesn't want to start anything until he's over her, then why are you even having this issue with him? Shouldn't he be ... not starting anything?

 

I do like him but I am fine with simply being his friend and caring for him until he's over her. I'm not "waiting around" for him, but I'm also not openly seeking or looking for other men. If I happen to randomly meet someone else.... which I doubt will happen, then I will follow through with it, if not.. is there truly harm in seeing if things change?

 

No, there's no harm in that. But I'll tell you right now, this rarely works out the way you're thinking it will. You have feelings for this person, and he apparently feels something for you. It's hard to imagine that you won't feel any pain while "not waiting" for him.

 

You may not be literally sitting around, waiting for him to get over her, but you are waiting for him to change. You will most likely do a lot more waiting, worrying, and thinking than you plan to, and for those reasons, I strongly suggest you try to get him out of your life as much as possible. That means no "friends". Not yet.

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since he's been honest with you about not wanting a relationship and his heart still being stuck with the ex gf, then i guess you can't say much when things don't work out the way you hoped. he's emotionally unavailable and had told you so. in 2.5 weeks he's already agreed to living together and you guys are "doing stuff" with no commitment. you're gonna get hurt.

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I realize this is risky and I could get hurt. But, isn't it a good thing that he hasn't asked me out yet? I can't necessarily be a rebound if I'm not officially dating him, right? He seems to want to get over this girl, after all, he sounded upset and confused when he said "she might still like me" and didn't necessarily sound enthralled about it, meaning he has doubts.

 

He also keeps eluding to the future, saying stuff like "in the fall things will be great" which to me indicates that he really wants to be over her by then and start something with me. Is it really that dangerous to somewhat wait for him until he feels he's over her?

 

Also, how should I treat him over the summer? So far I've just been sending 1-2 texts like usual.. nothing too much or too little. Should I do more/less?

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I had a "relationship" like this years ago, she said exactly the same things "I dont want t get into anything serious" "I'm not over my ex yet"

 

I got too attached to this girl and was heartbroken when she decided to sleep with half the people in my local, when I confronted her she said "I explained to you what I wanted from the start" and looking back over chats we had on MSN, she actually did....but at the time I was so caught up in her that I simply ignored them.

 

My advice?

 

Get away from this guy, he isnt over his ex and he is being very open about that factor, whether thats to keep you from getting hurt or covering himself when he decides he wants to play the field I couldnt tell you.

 

I would never put myself in that situation again

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It's nice he's being open and honest about it but don't get too caught up in that. You say he's a great guy, except for his emotional baggage. Don't separate the two, his emotional baggage is still a part of him, not something you can just hope will go away. The future is constantly changing. You can harbor some hope but I think at 2.5 weeks, you should take a step back and let him heal from the break up. You're being smart in considering all these things. Continue being smart and give him time to heal. You aren't quite the rebound in the strict sense, but you are still a rebound - something to make him temporarily happy after suffering from emotional baggage. It could be permanent once he gets around to figuring things out. For now, be a friend and enjoy your summer without any promises from him.

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Thank you everyone for the advice so far. My next question is, how should I deal with this now? Should I have a talk with him saying I only want to be friends until he's over her and explain that I don't want to be a rebound and get hurt? or should I just let things continue casually as it has been and wait for him to be ready to ask me out when we're back at school (as he is kind of planning for himself)?

 

I really don't have a bad feeling about any of this or him but at the same time, everyone I have spoken to said this is a bad situation and that I'm going to get hurt so I guess I'll entrust in the majority.

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If something in your heart tugs you into thinking "ahhh, this doesn't look like it will end well", then it's probably good to listen to that gut sense. I think your first option sounds good - telling him you want to be friends until he gets over her. A healing period after a breakup should be a period where he focuses on himself, hanging out with friends, and pursuing his interests. Keep a look out and see if he starts being on the prowl for girls early on in the summer (which I don't think is too good a sign). There's some formula out there where the time it takes to get over a relationship is about half the time of the relationship? Seeing as how long the relationship was (well, actually, how long was the relationship?) and how much he was affected by it, I would say it should definitely at least take the summer to repair.

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I agree with geekgirl and highly advise you to go the friends route. I think that you will absolutely end up used (even if he doesn't mean to!) if you stay connected with him over the summer. You have to gain emotional and physical distance from him to give things a solid chance in the future. Giving him time to work out his feelings is key here, so don't be "best friends" where you talk every day. You are platonic friends who talk intermittently and do not cuddle or touch or any of that stuff.

 

I'd talk to him and tell him that you need to just be friends until he feels like he's completely over his ex and only into you. Reassure him that it’s because you do like him that you think this is the way to go. Let him know that you can talk occasionally over the summer, but it's best that you give one another space and re-evaluate in the fall.

 

I know you’re going to be disappointed* to get this opinion, but trust me – I’ve been in your shoes. It’s a really delicate balancing act. Part of the suckiness of rebound relationships is that sometimes the rebounder honestly doesn't even know that they are setting up the other person as their rebound. They honestly believe that they’re ready, but they’re not.

 

By only talking to him ever so often, you'll still be on his mind and he'll be thinking about the future possibilities with you. Don't be afraid to give him lots of space. And in the fall, if he tells you he's ready, don't automatically take him at his word. He could very much think he's ready, but it's up to you to spot the signs. Don’t tell him that you're evaluating his readiness. One thing you really need to keep a lookout for, is whether he wants you, or if he wants you indirectly because he wants a girl to be with. Don’t be a space-filler for him. You have to be 100% sure that it is you that he’s after.

 

* Speaking of disappointed - the other thing about the summer is that I don't think either of you should limit yourself if someone else that you're interested in comes along. For you it’s because you don't know for sure that he's going to be over the ex or that he’s going to be interested in dating you in the fall. For him (this is the one point I disagree with geekgirl), if he does date another girl, just reassure yourself that she’ll be his rebound and it’s not likely that it will last. All the better for you, if he comes back to you or not!

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Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate the constructiveness and not just a list of criticisms. =) Currently, I am contemplating whether to call or shoot him a message saying what you said above or just continuing things as is and if he hasn't changed by the fall, then giving him that ultimatum. He was texting me yesterday asking when he could come up to see me. He owns two businesses so he's quite busy and he said he wanted to make sure he could see me before he got too busy over the summer.

 

He said 2 weeks from now would be good for him and I said that I think that's fine for me. I just wasn't expecting him to drive over here so soon! lol.

 

I'm worried that if I tell him what you said above now that will pressure him too much and I don't see the harm in waiting to see how he is in the fall? Correct me if this is a mistake! lol. I really do want this to work but I don't plan on becoming too attached/being very careful around him until I feel he's over her and ready to be with me. I might still text him once in awhile and possibly will see him 2 weeks from now and probably just kiss and whatnot. I might hint that I really hope things work out with us or else I might have to turn elsewhere.

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