My boyfriend confessed to cheating a year after the fact--what do I do?

[LadyVicki]

Last year, my boyfriend tried to break up with me out of the blue. A few days later, he took it back. I was totally crushed and upset by the experience, but I eventually got over it and the two of us moved on. He even moved accross the country to be with me.

 

After all this time, he has suddenly confessed that he had a relationship with another girl just after the fake break-up last year. Apparently the relationship lasted a few months and then he dumped her to stay with me. I had no clue about any of this.

 

I feel so horribly crushed. How could he have been concealing this for all of this time? What should I do?

[FrenchFries]

His guilty conscience wouldn't let him stay silent. What you do is up to you. It's a very hard, long road regaining trust after someone has betrayed you. It didn't work out for me (my ex cheated on me and I let him stay in the picture), but it may be different for you. It won't be easy though.

[Car Chick]

If he confessed, it shows he's sorry about what he did. If he was going to do something like that again, I don't think he'd have told you.

 

I think it all depends on what you think you can handle, but I think his honesty goes a long way in showing that he is truly sorry and really does love you. Depending on the exact circumstances and on whether or not you think you can trust him and feel comfortable with him again, I personally, would give him a second chance- but do keep a close eye on him now.

[sophie274]

So he was in a relationship with you and with another girl for several months last year?

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I would feel absolutely betrayed and crushed too.

 

I'm not one to say to never take a cheater back, but in this case I don't think I would. He had a full-fledged affair for several months, not just a one-night stand. For me, that's heavy duty betrayal, and I think I would only be willing to put in the hard yards to try and get over it if I were extremely invested in the relationship (for example, married with children). Otherwise I think I would feel better finding someone who had not betrayed me in such a way.

 

Oh, and my personal opinion about the confession is that it doesn't reflect well on him at all. I don't think it shows he's sorry - it shows he feels guilty. For me, telling after a year was much more a way of relieving his guilty conscience than an expression of his love and concern for you and regret.

[faithful14]

Well you have some choices on what to do

 

1. You can dump him and just move on from this relationship. Building trust in the relationship takes time and patience.

 

2. You can forgive him and try to work out your issues and what lead him to cheat on you. He needs to prove to you that he is capable of being trusted and it will take a long time.

 

Give yourself a break and give yourself time to think about what you want to do. I know this is not an easy decision so don't feel the need to rush into making a decision. If he's serious about being with you, he can wait it out.

[JusticeLaw9]

Might not be a bad idea to take a step away from your relationship momentarily to think things through before you move forward.

[agent1607307371]

I wonder why he suddenly chose to spring this on you now?

[LadyVicki]

I wonder why he suddenly chose to spring this on you now?

 

I wonder that, too....

 

Thanks to everyone for the replies

[catfeeder]

I wonder why he suddenly chose to spring this on you now?

 

That's exactly what I was thinking. He broke up with you and hurt you, came back and cheated on you--and got away with all of it for a year. Now he decides it's a good idea to rip you up with this info?

 

Pretty manipulative. In my book, that's not 'sorry,' it's a push for you to pull the plug. I'd take him up on that--for sure.

 

My heart goes out to you. I hope you'll write more if it helps.

[sigmond freud]

I would not be able to forgive...Im out...cheat on me mentally , physically or emotionally...and Im gone..

[Sunny1607307996]

I wonder why he suddenly chose to spring this on you now?

 

I wonder about this, too. I can't help but wonder if the girl is back in the picture or he's somehow afraid you will find out, and figured he'd just confess before you found out on your own.

 

For me, this isn't fixable. For one, he had an AFFAIR with this girl for months while, and not just a one night stand some drunken night or something (not that it would be "less wrong" to cheat with one night stand or to cheat when you're drunk...).

 

Two, he cheated on you during the most vulnerable part of your relationship, when you choose to move past the break up and become stronger.

 

Three, he hid this from you for a year. The time for confession has passed. He either couldn't take the guilty conscious anymore and decided to dump everything on YOU to make HIM feel better (selfish! selfish! selfish!) or he's afraid that you will find out some other way on your own.

 

I know that I couldn't stay with someone in this circumstance.

[annie24]

oh man, this is such a tough situation. i also wonder why he is bringing this up now.... is it because he's had a guilty conscience all this time?

 

i think this was wrong on so many levels. like sophie said, this wasn't just a one night stand or a 'one time oops.' it went on for months, which is a huge deception. and then he has held the secret for so long. i bet you are wondering, "well, what the hell else is he lying about!?" i think it will take a while to regain that trust in him. is he willing to open his life to you completely and show you that he won't do this again?

[LadyVicki]

oh man, this is such a tough situation. i also wonder why he is bringing this up now.... is it because he's had a guilty conscience all this time?

 

i think this was wrong on so many levels. like sophie said, this wasn't just a one night stand or a 'one time oops.' it went on for months, which is a huge deception. and then he has held the secret for so long. i bet you are wondering, "well, what the hell else is he lying about!?" i think it will take a while to regain that trust in him. is he willing to open his life to you completely and show you that he won't do this again?

 

I mean, he's trying his best to convince me to stay, but I just don't know if it's ever going to be enough. Because like you said, how do I know this is all that he's lying about?

[annie24]

I mean, he's trying his best to convince me to stay, but I just don't know if it's ever going to be enough. Because like you said, how do I know this is all that he's lying about?

 

would you be willing to go to relationship counseling with him? would he go?

[sophie274]

I mean, he's trying his best to convince me to stay, but I just don't know if it's ever going to be enough. Because like you said, how do I know this is all that he's lying about?

 

Would you mind saying why he told you about this after a year?

[OptomisticGirl]

I took my ex back after he cheated on me--twice.

 

My blunt advice for the day, save your heart the torment and leave. VERY rarely do people cheat and then feel genuine regret and never do it again. I'm not saying he isn't sorry but if he was REALLY sorry, he would have told you right after it happened, not a year after the fact.

 

Only you can make the decision to stay with him but as someone who has walked in those shoes before I URGE you to take a step back, be it a few days or weeks, and really ask yourself the hard questions:

 

 

Can you ever trust him again, really?

Can you forgive him?

Is this the only time he has done this?

Why is he telling you now?

Why did he wait a year?

 

I tried very hard to truly trust my ex again, and I couldn't. I was too scared to leave the relationship so I stuck in there and it caused me huge amounts of heart ache. You have to be 100% certain you can put this behind you, forgive him, and really learn to trust him again. Otherwise when it comes crumbling down around you in the future, you're heart is going to be even more broken.

[moonbug]

@OP: First, I am going to put in a disclaimer. You are in an Infidelity forum. Most of the people here, have been victims of cheating and hence have extreme disdain for all kinds of cheaters. So it is probably expected that most people will ask you to break up with the man- its their anger towards the act, more than specific advice for your case, I feel. So try not to let that bias weigh in on what decision you decide to take.

 

Having said that, I think the confessing is more driven by guilt than love. But then again, guilt does stem from love, right? I imagine the way it must have happened in his head, "Here is this beautiful and lovely girl who loves me and has gone through so much to be with me. And here I am hiding such a major thing from her. I have got to tell her all about it, irrespective of what she chooses to do with it." That is guilt alright, but motivated by love. So in that case, dumping him would pretty much be the worst decision you can take.

 

On the other hand, this guy could just be an inconsiderate and selfish person who cheated on you, then hid it from you, and is then admitting to it months later, because he thinks that will fetch him peace of mind. Or it could also be that he is trying to get you to break up with him by telling you this info.

 

If you have read my thread here, you might know that the girl who dumped me (and I still love her as much as I have ever) is now with a guy known to be a serial cheater, promising her that he has changed. So I am rooting for the 'cheaters never change' side of the argument in my personal life. Yet, I know that that is a very shallow way to look at people. So, to be fair to your bf, someone I don't know, I am going to ask you to evaluate him on how he is treating you in the present. If the relationship is fine in every other sense right now, give him a chance. If the going is not good for you right now, and the reasons look they could have something to do with why he cheated and broke up and generally treated you badly in the past, I think you might want to pull the plug and save yourself some misery.

[arcadefire]

So your bf dumped you for another girl, granted for a few days. When that little set up didn't work out, he pretended like nothing had happened for an entire year? Wow, I would definitely leave him for just straying from you and not telling you until now.