My ex is pulling me back in her life and wants to meet

[Seth_82]

Well...

 

I'm meeting my ex in 3 weeks and I don't know hoe it's going to play...

 

1-She broke off with me 2 months ago after 6 years of relationship. I was a shell of my former self and that didn't help, I was so afraid to lose her...

 

2-I went on NC and a month later she got a rebound. I was very calm when she told me. She was surprised to learned that I still cared about her.

 

3-I found myself a new girl and getting to know her although I know it was a reaction to my ex rebound...

 

4-Life went by until I posted on Windows Live a pic with my new girl and me and saying I was happy...

 

5-She deleted me from her Windows Live. Our mutual friend finally admitted that my ex told her that she would try to reconcile later...How insulting. She was taking me for granted until she saw the picture that was...

 

6-She called our mutual friend and complained about what she saw...let's she wasn't indifferent.

 

7-Her attitude completely changed. She sent me an email asking us to meet for our clothes after I told her not to contact me and that we could mail our stuff. She wrote that she expect that I might not answer the email but she was showing her good will.

 

8-I answered her email with a very cheerful email and showed that I was happy to hear from her and yeah, we could meet.

 

9-She saved that email into her personal inbox, mutual friend told me and she kept all of our mutual email since the beginning (she always erase her exes ASAP)

 

10-She's keeping her rebound a secret (coworker). When in a relationship, she wants the planet to know that she's your girl...

 

 

So...

 

I like this new girl...but how on earth can I forget a 6 years relationship...

I still love her very much and worked on everything that went wrong in our relationship...

 

It's when I started to move on , that she's pulling me back in her life...

 

How should I apprach this meeting?

[Kumatora]

I like this new girl...but how on earth can I forget a 6 years relationship...

I still love her very much and worked on everything that went wrong in our relationship...

 

It's when I started to move on , that she's pulling me back in her life...

 

How should I apprach this meeting?

Honestly, could you do without the clothes? You sound very unsure about meeting up with an ex and you know she wants you back. It's most likely going to be her wanting to reconcile and take you back once you guys meet... so she's going to use an excuse (the clothes) to get in contact with you again. Not a good sign, especially if you're already adjusting to a new relationship and haven't fully healed yourself.

 

Also, you shouldn't treat a partner like a rebound. It will not resolve or help you get over your exes at all. Looks like you both learned from that.

 

The best way to move on from a relationship is to never contact each other no matter what. No contact, no looking up each other on an on-line profile... nothing. It sucks that it was a 6 year relationship and had a lousy outcome, but you need to move on.

 

If you haven't moved on (which you indicated), then you really shouldn't be in a relationship with another person and emotionally hurt them because you're not ready to love another person and are chasing after a ghost. You should focus on self healing, learning to be happy with yourself before inviting a new love into your life. A rebound will not help you heal.

[abitbroken]

She can mail you clothes or give them to mutual friends. I really feel that if she didn't contact you until she saw that you are happy that she is not really wanting you back, but just is not at the point where she wants to see you with someone else. There was a reason a 6 year relationship ended. You say "how could you forget a 6 year relationship" well, you are no longer in that relationship. You don't owe her anything - you don't have to get back with her just because of the time you put into it.

 

Remember, you didn't heal to get her back, but for you.

[Seth_82]

True, but I still love her...and I honestly thought she wanted to reconcile...

 

I'm scared of the meeting because of the risk that we see each other and we dont reconcile, on the other hands, I can't live with regrets...I have to go and see what she'll say...

 

If she didnt want to reconcile, why would she want to meet me?

[OptomisticGirl]

You sound like you really don't want to meet her.

 

Look, I had a 4 year relationship end last November. Thought he was the love of my life, the person I couldn't I live without, blah blah blah blah. He's what brought me to ENA. In Jan. of this year I met a guy (on ENA, actually Of course we didn't start off with romantic interests, honestly I was still hung up on my ex, and we both knew that. But it didn't take long before I realized I had REAL feelings for this guy and now we have been dating almost 3 months and I can't believe I let myself stay with a grade A user for 4 years!

 

My point (amid rambling Yes, you have 6 years of memories with this girl and I'm sure not all of them were bad. I know not all my memories of my ex are bad BUT she walked away from you. I don't know your back history and I apologize for that but she walked away from you, you went NC to heal and yes, you might have found this new girl due to your ex rebounding but you yourself said you were happy with her! Now all of a sudden here comes to ex prancing back into the picture? No.

 

My ex tried that. Once he heard from his best friend that I was seeing a guy and I hadn't made contact with him in over a month or so (because obviously I was happy with my boyfriend and didn't care about him anymore) he came a calling. I know the ONLY reason he did this was because in classic dumper fashion, he thought I'd still be there waiting for him. And if I hadn't met my boyfriend I probably would have, but he knew he had lost his chance with me. Your ex knows this as well.

 

If you REALLY like this new girl don't break her heart over six years with someone who walked away from you and broke YOUR heart. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just walk away knowing you are doing what is best FOR YOU.

 

Sorry it was so long lol.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder what the new girl in your life would have to say about you meeting your ex and hoping that you and your ex will reconcile. Does the new girl know that your 6 year relationship broke up only 2 months ago? Sounds like you and your ex are both being unfair to other people. If you want to meet her and see if there is any chance for reconciliation that is fine...but you should be ending things with the current girl first.

[OptomisticGirl]

True, but I still love her...and I honestly thought she wanted to reconcile...

 

I'm scared of the meeting because of the risk that we see each other and we dont reconcile, on the other hands, I can't live with regrets...I have to go and see what she'll say...

 

If she didnt want to reconcile, why would she want to meet me?

 

Then you need to ask her to mail your stuff and you mail her's, and go back to NC because you don't sound like you have finished healing and honestly, it sounds like to me she is only coming back and mentioning reconcilation because she found out you were with someone new. You always want what you can't have.

[Seth_82]

Thanks for this respond. Your story is inspiring and I will keep it in mind...

 

I will still meet her but I won't crawl back to her. She did walk away from me and she already told our mutual friend she would come back at some point and my friend hated that answer...

 

You are right, my new girl moved from Vancouver and we are getting along fine. I can't break her heart...

 

I guess my dilemma is

 

The ex that I still love vs girlfriend that I like...

[Seth_82]

I wonder what the new girl in your life would have to say about you meeting your ex and hoping that you and your ex will reconcile. Does the new girl know that your 6 year relationship broke up only 2 months ago? Sounds like you and your ex are both being unfair to other people. If you want to meet her and see if there is any chance for reconciliation that is fine...but you should be ending things with the current girl first.

 

My ex is totally using the rebound to not endure the pain of the breakup...to obvious..

 

I couldn't handle the fact that she had a rebound so fast and I let myself get into a relationship...but I'm trying real hard to treat her as a real relationship and not a rebound...

 

We talked on the phone for hours and I told her that I really cared about her...(my new girl)

 

I still need to meet my ex thought...I will be honest with my new gf and tell her I'm meeting my ex to exchange stuff.

 

I think when I'll see my ex again, I'll just know what to do...

[Seth_82]

Then you need to ask her to mail your stuff and you mail her's, and go back to NC because you don't sound like you have finished healing and honestly, it sounds like to me she is only coming back and mentioning reconcilation because she found out you were with someone new. You always want what you can't have.

 

That's what I think too...

 

It was only when I was willing to walk away that she hold on to me and tried to change things that I didint like...

 

Is that true love or a "self love"?

[TryingVeryHard]

Well... This IS the getting back together forum... So I'd say you should have a very thorough talk with her if she's really looking to reconcile... 6 years is a long time, and if the relationship is salvagable after a short 2 month break... I would give it a shot..

 

Maybe my judgement is skewed, however, because I'd be dying to have this opportunity with my ex...

 

What was the original reason for the breakup?

[TheJerseyKid]

ANOTHER example of how quickly things can turn around once your ex (the dumper) sees you REALLY moving on. Everything I would have said has basically been covered, so I don't really have much to add to it. When my ex and I broke up (same ex, different break up) a year ago, we were NC/LC and I figured she was pretty much done with it. Soon as a picture popped up on facebook of me with my arm around another girl outside of a bar, it was a matter of days before we were making plans to hang out again.

[OptomisticGirl]

Thanks for this respond. Your story is inspiring and I will keep it in mind...

 

I will still meet her but I won't crawl back to her. She did walk away from me and she already told our mutual friend she would come back at some point and my friend hated that answer...

 

You are right, my new girl moved from Vancouver and we are getting along fine. I can't break her heart...

 

I guess my dilemma is

 

The ex that I still love vs girlfriend that I like...

 

As my Uncle always said, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to be with them."

 

Of course a part of me will always love my ex, I gave him four years of my life. But I don't actively love him anymore. He's my past, my boyfriend is my future.

 

Just remember this. The good memories don't always outweigh the bad memories. Why did you guys break up?

[Seth_82]

Well... This IS the getting back together forum... So I'd say you should have a very thorough talk with her if she's really looking to reconcile... 6 years is a long time, and if the relationship is salvagable after a short 2 month break... I would give it a shot..

 

Maybe my judgement is skewed, however, because I'd be dying to have this opportunity with my ex...

 

What was the original reason for the breakup?

 

I got a job in Toronto and we lived in Montreal.

 

I moved and she was supposed to join me a year later. We had some couple issues and I wanted them fixed before moving together...

 

We were 22 and we moved in together 3 months after starting dating. It was both our first serious relationship and we made mistakes and accumulated unresolved issues.

 

she didn't work on the issues and and was telling me everything would be alright once we moved in together.

 

it made me reconsidered if she was the one. So I said no for July 2009. She took it very hard and all she wanted was to be with me.

 

Her way to say "I miss you" is too chat with her ex by saying happy birthday and exchanging mail.

I over reacted and chatted with a girl on MSN. I had lost faith in the relationship

 

She started to fix things on her end late 2009 so did I. Things were looking up.

December 2009 I tell her I want her in my life amd she's the one.

 

January 2010 she saw I chatted with a girl and she said she doesn't trust me. She said that she chatted with her ex because she was lonely

I wanted to fix things

She said she didnt feel it anymore and ended the relationship February 2010.

 

She said the LDR was too much for her to handle. I take the blame because I could have gave her more attention or try harder to visit more often. (we were together 2 full weekends per months)

 

Mid-March 2010 she has a rebound, coworker

 

I find out April 2010 and I meet my gf. I cut off my ex and told her to stay away from me and we'll mail each other's stuff.

 

End April 2010

I post a picture of me and my gf. My ex gets upset and flip out to our mutual friend.

 

Up until then she had a cold and distant attitude, now she's very nice too me...She even wanted me to go to the restaurent with her 2 days after I found out about the rebound. The idiot answered the phone. She wanted too keep it a secret (which is totally out of character) and he blew it.

 

So I was driven to move on...

But our mutual friend made her see my point of view and made me see hers...

 

 

And now, she's trying not to lose me without losing her pride...I expected her to try harder but she wouldn't be able to handle being rejected...

 

I don't know if its an ego thing or she really realized that things could get better and she's honest about trying again...

I guess I'll give her a chance to talk

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My ex is totally using the rebound to not endure the pain of the breakup...to obvious..

 

I couldn't handle the fact that she had a rebound so fast and I let myself get into a relationship...but I'm trying real hard to treat her as a real relationship and not a rebound...

We talked on the phone for hours and I told her that I really cared about her...(my new girl)

 

I still need to meet my ex thought...I will be honest with my new gf and tell her I'm meeting my ex to exchange stuff.

 

I think when I'll see my ex again, I'll just know what to do...

 

You may treat her that way but you are not FEELING that way. She is absolutely a rebound no matter which way you try to slice and dice it. Your heart is still with your ex...you would reconcile with your ex in heartbeat. So no matter how much you fake it with the new person and tell her that you really care about her..it is all empty words and actions because if your ex wants to get back together you would drop your new girl in a heartbeat. You too got into a relationship in order to mask the pain of the breakup and seeing your ex with someone new. You are in a classic rebound no matter what you try to do to convince your new girl that you are sincere. You are not sincere about her at all..because your heart is still with your ex.

[Seth_82]

You may treat her that way but you are not FEELING that way. She is absolutely a rebound no matter which way you try to slice and dice it. Your heart is still with your ex...you would reconcile with your ex in heartbeat. So no matter how much you fake it with the new person and tell her that you really care about her..it is all empty words and actions because if your ex wants to get back together you would drop your new girl in a heartbeat. You too got into a relationship in order to mask the pain of the breakup and seeing your ex with someone new. You are in a classic rebound no matter what you try to do to convince your new girl that you are sincere. You are not sincere about her at all..because your heart is still with your ex.

 

I told my girlfriend that I wanted things to start slow. That I could do, but because the ex came back,

 

I have to know what she'll say. Aftee the meeting, I'll know what is best.

 

I know I love my ex but I like my girlfriend too...for different reasons, but my ex still have my heart...unfortunately and I hate the fact that she has that kind of effect on me...

[Cadence44]

Like CAD says, you're being really unfair to the new girl. You are "trying" not to treat her like a rebound, but you would obviously drop her in an instant if given the opportunity. You're also keeping her there purposefully, in case you don't get back with your ex.

 

This is really selfish behavior on your part. She's a person with feelings, not a pawn to be used in your drama with your ex.

[Seth_82]

thanks guys

 

I'll have a talk with her tomorrow!

you're right

[TheJerseyKid]

I don't think you need to stop seeing this girl entirely, though she might be unwilling to accept the following conditions, but she might so who knows. I think if you let her know that basically listen, I'm still getting over a break up... I have feelings for you.. You want to take it slow.. But in the meantime you guys can't be exclusive, because that's not fair to her, it might work. I know if someone approached that situation for me, I might be a bit skeptical, because I've been a rebound before, and it SUCKS when they go back to their ex. But I've also dated people fresh out of relationships and had it last for a really long time, so it def. can work. As long as 2 people are on the same page (which I think you clearly are not right now) you'll have a chance at making anything work.

[Cadence44]

Seth,

 

Good idea to talk to her. You have to make sure that she understands the timeline of your breakup with your ex, and that if your ex wants to meet, you're going to go. And at that meeting, if your ex wants to get back together, you may decide to do that.

 

Once she understands the situation she's in, what happens after that is her choice.

 

Also, please be careful of your ex's intentions and don't get too far ahead of yourself. Just to warn you, there's a possibility that the jealousy is driving her to find out if she can still get you back. She may just want to confirm that you're still hung up on her and sabotage your chances at moving on.

 

Good luck.

[Seth_82]

Seth,

 

Good idea to talk to her. You have to make sure that she understands the timeline of your breakup with your ex, and that if your ex wants to meet, you're going to go. And at that meeting, if your ex wants to get back together, you may decide to do that.

 

Once she understands the situation she's in, what happens after that is her choice.

 

Also, please be careful of your ex's intentions and don't get too far ahead of yourself. Just to warn you, there's a possibility that the jealousy is driving her to find out if she can still get you back. She may just want to confirm that you're still hung up on her and sabotage your chances at moving on.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the warning...

 

I'll just act casual with her and not bring up the break up, relationship or any wish of reconciliation... unless she does.

[Seth_82]

Hey guys,

 

my current girlfriend said she understood the situation and was glad I was honest...

She said that she would give me time but could not guarantee that she'll be there when I make up my mind...

 

Back into square one...

[tattoobunnie]

Any girl that responds like that is a total catch.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hey guys,

 

my current girlfriend said she understood the situation and was glad I was honest...

She said that she would give me time but could not guarantee that she'll be there when I make up my mind...

 

Back into square one...

 

In other words she has told you that she will be looking elsewhere for someone who is ready to be in a relationship. Good for her. I disagreed with the suggestion of telling her and then continuing the relationship if she wanted to hope for the best with you. I have seen far too many dumpees try to get themselves off the hook by being "honest" with their rebound and letting their rebound be responsible for making a decision. Often the rebound has feelings invested and follows their heart rather than their head. I think it is the coward's way out for a dumpee to leave the decision to the rebound. A dumpee should have enough courage to be the one to never get into a rebound in the first place..and if they do, then to be the one to own up to it being a mistake and walking away before it goes too far. The responsibility should not be shifted over to the reboundee...that is passing the buck.

[paradiselost]

Seth 82 what are your updates.

 

I just broke up from a 9 month relationship and it has hurt me a lot.

 

My ex was in a 7 year relationship. His ex went off with another guy. They have a house together and one year on still wont allow any discussions for resale to take place and contacts him on anniversaries, birthdays etc and asking to meet him.

 

She wants him back whilst keeping the guy she left him for in the shadow.

 

My ex and I were great however with his ex's interferences I felt he was sabotaging the relationship and picking fights for nothing. The climax came when we had to go away together (at his suggestion) and he bailed a week before!

 

His ex is not a nice person very manipulative and disrespectful, and I wish my guy (now 31) could see the reality, heal and we get back together as we genuinley had a good connection till his ex started messing with his head.

 

However my hopes are low - any suggestions anyone what to do apart from lie low????