Guy who asked my girlfriend out is constantly messaging/contacting her

[Millshanks]

Okay, I'm new here so any advice will be very much appreciated.

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months now. She works at a fast food place atm, obviously there are regular customers who come in and chat. Recently one of these guys who she has known for a some time (more a customer than a friend) asked her out for coffee. She said "no, it wouldn't be right as I have a boyfriend", he backed off and said he didnt want to be friends if it caused trouble for her and I.

 

Which is fair enough, I trust her not to cheat on me. Anyway this guy ends up asking for her phone number at some point, add each other on facebook. He is contacting her more than me about random things... all the time I'm left asking what is this bloke playing at. Obviously this new 'friendship' does not have my blessing, I never accused her of cheating on me I just think its inappropriate given that clearly he wants to be more than friends.

 

I dont want to be the guy saying she can't be friends with this or that person but given the circumstance. I think I am right be weirded out by it all. Basically I made a huge fuss out it all and ended up messaging him telling him to stop hitting on my girlfriend. I should not have done this, its for her to sort out. I feel bad for threatening the guy and I did appologise to her and to him for it; however this whole thing just didnt add up to me. I don't trust his motive, its not as if they are great old friends catching up, she says she has no intention of meeting him. So why the constant contact, I feel she may be leading him on in some way without realising it, cause he's sure putting a lot of effort into this.

 

I know I have over reacted by threatening the guy but do you think this is a fairly normal for me to be asking questions given the context?? I wouldn't care if they spoke occasionally online but the constant messaging about nothing in particular... friendship, over what? the fact he wanted to take her out?

 

I love her and I don't want to break up with her over something so stupid but I dont think I should be made to feel like the bad guy. Honest opinions people? Do you think I am completely in the wrong? Cheers.

[d24]

you're a guy right? answer this honestly now.... the only reason you'd get another girl's details and contact her is if you wanted her on some level, right? obviously you'd never tell your GF that, but it's the truth.

 

So, you're perfectly justified to feel threatened by this guy. He's hanging around her thinking that if he's her shoulder to cry on that she'll eventually fall for him, in a moment of weakness or after an argument or something. That's not cool.

 

Worst thing is, I bet she doesn't even realise that by responding she is passively leading him on, and if he keeps chipping away a 'friendship' will form.

 

No advice here: other than to say you can't threaten him (for fears he'll drip poison into her ears about you), you can't forbid her to see him (because that's controlling and gives him ammo) and you can't make her see his true motives (because no, he's just a friend).

 

Only solution I can see is to hope that he finally gives up, and the easiest way is to keep your GF happy so that she never goes to him for support. Chances are she's just really enjoying the attention, so you need to lavish it on her right now. Treat her really well and remind her how uncomfrotable he's making you, and try and flip it on her so she admits she'd not be happy if you befriended a female worker @ your work.

 

Good luck.

[eggplant47]

This is a situation where instead of ultimatums or accusations, you have to ask your girlfriend to care enough about you to respect your feelings. This is not a dear, lifelong friend your asking her to split from, it's a guy who is clearly pursuing her under false pretenses so her choice should be easy.

 

Tell her that you trust her & respect her freedom, but the level of intimacy this guy is displaying makes you uncomfortable & is disrespectful of your relationship. Let her know that all you're asking her to do is cut down on how often she responds to this guy until he gets the message that she's not interested. Explain that it's a relatively simple thing she can do that would mean the world to you.

 

If she truly cares about you, I think she'll care enough about your happiness to set some boundries with this pushy guy!

[Millshanks]

You've basically said everything I thought. This sort of thing goes on all the time, its black and white. Being the unreasonable, angry boyfriend is possibly the worst look you can go for and I dont want to be violent anyway... I'm not saying every situation is the same but girls are generally oblivious to this one. Men and women just see things on a totally different level. Thanks a heap mate

[eggplant47]

You've basically said everything I thought. This sort of thing goes on all the time, its black and white. Being the unreasonable, angry boyfriend is possibly the worst look you can go for and I dont want to be violent anyway... I'm not saying every situation is the same but girls are generally oblivious to this one. Men and women just see things on a totally different level. Thanks a heap mate

 

I'm a girl and I would consider a man talking to me this way a problem. And I certainly wouldn't be oblivious to a woman trying this with my husband!!

[ORTT]

I agree with all of the above... and it's a tricky situation. I would feel exactly the same as you do (annoyed, frustrated etc.)... but remember at the end of the day she is coming home to you, not him

[Millshanks]

Thanks too mar_tini78 as well. I'm not having a go at all the women of the world btw. In my opinion its a pretty straight forward situation, although I went overboard (anger-wise). To the guys credit, he was understanding enough of my distrust in him. I didn't post this for people to simply agree with me, I didnt write it with any bias however it is nice to know at least a couple of people agree I'm not a complete mentalist for coming to this concusion.

[Thx]

You might have overreacted a bit, but for good cause and as long as you play it with an even temper from now on you'll be all right.

 

(Actually, I bet a lot of girls would be surprised and maybe upset if their boyfriend said "ho-hum".)

 

You have made your feelings clear and it would probably be best at this point if she herself severed it with him.

 

Thx

[annie24]

I agree with martini - i think that your gf should respect your feelings and break off this friendship. it just sounds sketchy. you two should discuss boundaries. how would she like you being 'friends' with a girl who asked you out?

[metrogirl]

Well why did she give him her number anyway? If she felt that going out for coffee with him was innappropiate because she has a bf, then I'm thinking it's equally inappropropiate to hand out her number to any guy that asks for it.

[Millshanks]

EXACTLY what I said. I tend to think if your not good friends and you consider it "not right" to hang out with a guy because you have a boyfriend then why is this fine? I'm not saying girlfriends cant have male friends, just not when the guy goes about it like this... line crossed. Its just been handled completely wrong and actions really do speak louder than words. It would do anybodies head in, yet apparently most guys would be fine about it (obviously that theory has been proven wrong). She is a genuinely nice girl and I do think she did this innocently enough... made things very awkward for me though. Can't stop people from hitting on your girlfriend but you'd expect it to be delt with in a less "passive" way. I do hope it sorts out.

[pl3asehelp]

girls are generally oblivious to this one. Men and women just see things on a totally different level

 

Are you sure? What if shes not oblivious, but instead knows this dude wants in her pants, she loves the chase and the attention, and she knows you can't do * * * * about it because of:

 

Being the unreasonable, angry boyfriend is possibly the worst look you can go

 

Not buying it. Dating girls like this is absolute misery. You have to just wait until they grow out of it.

[shessofly]

Well why did she give him her number anyway? If she felt that going out for coffee with him was innappropiate because she has a bf, then I'm thinking it's equally inappropropiate to hand out her number to any guy that asks for it.

 

this is just about exactly what i was thinking. not a wise or thought out decision on her part.

[Casanova4life]

If I were you ill start getting some new facebook friends myself.

[greywolf]

In your situation, OP, I would warn my SO about the reason why that person kept on contacting him/her and how I felt about it. Then I would leave it to him/her to deal with it how they thought it was appropriate.

[Skrat281]

I dont have to read anything but the title to this.....KICK HIS ASS.