My ex still has deep feelings, and want her back. Would NC damage my chances?

[DerektheDomino]

I have been "seperated" from my ex-fiancee for atleast a month now, however both of us still have deep feelings for each other. Her new BF (she left me for him btw) left for a week and she was still living under my apartment (both our names are on the lease) and I was professing my love for her and she was doing the same. We passionatley made out for what seemed like hours, but we did not have sex. We did however cuddled together and slept. Even when he came back, she'd still be here with me and we'd still kiss each other. She broke it off with me because she needed to find herself and that she would come back to me very soon.

 

The last day she was finally leaving my place, she kissed me goodbye. I want to initiate a NC, but would this damage my chances on being together with her?

 

And why is she doing this to me? She said she truly loves me and knows I am the one for her, but I don't understand why she can't be with me and still find herself.

 

I love her deeply and miss her so. I've tried dating since then, but its not the same.

 

Anyway would NC hurt my chances with her?

[fLuiD]

She left with him, right? Your answer is right there.

[DerektheDomino]

In my eyes she left me for him, which is true because they started right away in relationship when she broke it off with me.

 

But she claims it was because she needs to find herself...

 

Why would she say things like I'm the only one for her, and keep making out with me? Or say she loves me, and always will and her heart is mine?

 

It doesnt make sense, Im so confused.

[pumpkinmoon]

She wants to find herself yet she thinks it's a good idea to jump into another relationship?

 

Also, she left you for him so I assume she cheated on you, and she's ALSO cheating on him by being with you. This is a prime example for you to see that she will do exactly the same to this poor chap.

 

 

To answer your question though, NC will not damage your chances of getting her back, in my opinion, it will only make your chances stronger, but god only knows why you want her after this.

[pumpkinmoon]

In my eyes she left me for him, which is true because they started right away in relationship when she broke it off with me.

 

But she claims it was because she needs to find herself...

 

Why would she say things like I'm the only one for her, and keep making out with me? Or say she loves me, and always will and her heart is mine?

 

It doesnt make sense, Im so confused.

 

Because she's a cheat. She doesn't know what she wants. She's getting the best of both worlds here. She wants to try a new relationship with him, but she wants to keep you around incase it doesn't work out.

 

What I find disgusting is the fact that she would even lead you on like this after leaving you for someone else.

[DerektheDomino]

I know shoefairy, its hurting like hell right now. I feel lead on by it of course, but god I'm such a fool for her. She's my first love, and I would always remain faithful to her.

 

It just hurts and is so painful. She texted me today how I was doing, I didn't respond. I want to go NC with this, but it pains me when Im not there to talk to her.

[Speranza]

I also think it's a bit early to be dating again - but that's your decision. It's certainly too early to expect to be able to develop feelings for anyone else, although you might find it helpful to move you on I guess. You don't have any guarantee she won't do this again so yes, you need (IMHO a few months) NC. And as others have said, why would you WANT her back?

 

Anyone who leaves 'to find themselves' and who does so with someone else immediately has written themselves out of their Ex's life. If she 'finds' that she's made a mistake, well it serves her right. I'm afraid that would be it for me... She has treated you badly and NC will help you to get YOUR space and see this in perspective. I'm sorry for your hurt.

 

btw anyone who breaks it off 'but will come back very soon' is just playing you like a fish on a line. She sounds heartless. Think hard about whether you would want this person to be the mother of your kids...

[DerektheDomino]

When you say she has written me out of her life, but why is she playing these games? Just so she has a safety net incase the relationship collapses?

 

I don't want to create a pity part but I was subject to alot of emotional abuse (She brought down my self-worth, self-esteem, etc but I understood why because of her past) but there's still a part of me that feels that if she removed her problems, we would of had the potential to be the happiest couple ever.

[Speranza]

When you say she has written me out of her life, but why is she playing these games? Just so she has a safety net incase the relationship collapses?

 

I don't want to create a pity part but I was subject to alot of emotional abuse (She brought down my self-worth, self-esteem, etc but I understood why because of her past) but there's still a part of me that feels that if she removed her problems, we would of had the potential to be the happiest couple ever.

 

Yes - I think someone already said it was to keep you in reserve, didn't they?

 

Re-read your post. Again and again and again.

 

And then think about how YOU treat people you love. And read the threads on here about people in abusive relationships.

 

And be VERY glad she's gone. I've revised my opinion - you maybe need to consider permanent NC.

[ForumGuy]

When you say she has written me out of her life, but why is she playing these games? Just so she has a safety net incase the relationship collapses?

 

You nailed it. She is making out with you, while she is with him and she would do the same to you. I feel for you pal, but don't be a chump. Not sure how old you are, but you'll learn.

[catfeeder]

You nailed it. She is making out with you, while she is with him and she would do the same to you. I feel for you pal, but don't be a chump. Not sure how old you are, but you'll learn.

 

Yep. NC is your best shot. It's also your best dignity. If you don't start living 'as if' you're moving forward, you'll stay stuck in this rut of misery until she walks right over you to get to someone she respects.

 

NC will also give you the distance and perspective to examine what, exactly, you respect about her.

[Live-N-Learn]

Run for your life! My ex played me for 3 months post breakup. Made out with me, cuddled all the stuff you are saying minus the sex. Then she went and slept with her new guy. I finally cut her cheating ass off and went NC 14 days ago for good. Told her to take a hike.

[DerektheDomino]

I love your signature Scott, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I don't know what it was about her, I mean she was poisoinous to me but i couldn't get enough of her. It was a crazy addiction, and I miss the way she loved me. I just can't believe the person she has become now, and it hurts me so much because of that. She (who's 20 and I'm 22) slept with her new 41 year old man in the first week at a Motel 6. I couldn't believe she was that sleazy. I vomitted when I heard that.

 

They already moved in together and already talking about getting married.

 

It's so bizarre and hurtful. It feels like our year and a half engagment meant nothing to her.

[Live-N-Learn]

I love your signature Scott, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I don't know what it was about her, I mean she was poisoinous to me but i couldn't get enough of her. It was a crazy addiction, and I miss the way she loved me. I just can't believe the person she has become now, and it hurts me so much because of that. She (who's 20 and I'm 22) slept with her new 41 year old man in the first week at a Motel 6. I couldn't believe she was that sleazy. I vomitted when I heard that.

 

They already moved in together and already talking about getting married.

 

It's so bizarre and hurtful. It feels like our year and a half engagment meant nothing to her.

 

Wow, that is really a tough one to swallow. I can not understand her going from a 22 year old to a 41 year old. She is only 20 and I find this age gap along with maturity level a huge problem. I seriously doubt it will work out.

 

My girl and I were also 21 years apart. I am 48 and she is 27. She is mature for her age and has a 5 year old son. With that said it still did not work. We really had no future. She is now dating a 23 year old. Think about it, when he is 60 she will be 39. Do you know any 39 year old that wants a 60 year old guy? Odds are against them.

[DerektheDomino]

Yeah but she had alot of sexual abuse in her childhood, mostly from her step-dad (who know longer can see her or the family, and he's in his 50s 60s.) So I did think about she went with him to fill in the void the step-dad left behind (she was very close to him). Maybe she wanted a father figure? I dunno its all so strange.

 

I know alot of people here don't think age gap makes an impact, I guess those are really special circumstances, but the situation my ex is placing herself in it won't work.

 

Scott listen to this. That guy is in the middle of a 21 year divorce from his wife! And has a kid older than my ex! Unbelievable.

 

That kid is taking it pretty hard too about all this.

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah, the deck is stacked against them. The best thing you can do really is not be there for her in any way. She will probably at some point try to use you as an emotional crutch to make this transition. Do not do it! You have to let her feel the full impact of not having you as a safety net. Go NC.

 

Trust me, they have NOTHING to talk about. How can they? They are decades apart emotionally. He is using her for sex and maybe a trophy on his arm and maybe to build up his ego after his divorce. This whole thing smells of disaster.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah but she had alot of sexual abuse in her childhood, mostly from her step-dad (who know longer can see her or the family, and he's in his 50s 60s.) So I did think about she went with him to fill in the void the step-dad left behind (she was very close to him). Maybe she wanted a father figure? I dunno its all so strange.

 

I know alot of people here don't think age gap makes an impact, I guess those are really special circumstances, but the situation my ex is placing herself in it won't work.

 

Scott listen to this. That guy is in the middle of a 21 year divorce from his wife! And has a kid older than my ex! Unbelievable.

 

That kid is taking it pretty hard too about all this.

 

Derek, I think you need to let her go and get some therapy for yourself. If she's been sexually abused, she clearly doesn't have clear boundaries and those lack of boundaries were learned in her childhood. You need to discover the unhealthy family of origin issues that would make you want to be apart of this.

[DerektheDomino]

It's hard to let that go when you want to try and help them, but I guess I can't be the therapist.

 

I've still been NC and she hasn't texted, called or anything. Probably waiting for me to say something, since she texted 2 days ago how I was doing but I never responded.

[catfeeder]

It's hard to let that go when you want to try and help them, but I guess I can't be the therapist.[...]

 

Bravo! Not your job. Consider it respectful to let go of any attempts to control another adult. She is fully capable of taking care of herself, she just isn't doing it according to your wishes.

 

Stay plugged in here if it helps; you're on the right track.