Why so negative all the time? My wife is wearing me down!

[Michyboy]

Hi guys, here’s my situation, hopefully some of you will relate to this and could provide me with some words of wisdom or advice to deal with this.

 

I’m 28 years old, I’ve been living with my partner for 5 years and we have an 8 month old baby daughter.

 

My spouse is just oh so negative all the time. At first, I thought it was hormones due to having given birth and letting the body return to a “normal” state. I don’t think it’s the hormones anymore. Then, I thought it was the fact that I had went back to work after my parental leave and that she would be a stay-at-home mom for the next couple of monthts. No, not that either, because it’s all about the baby and she truly loves every second she spends with our child, in fact, she doesn’t want to go back to work. Then, more recently, I thought it was me, the problem. So I took a step back to objectively analyze the situation, and I came to the conclusion that .. I’m a pretty good guy, a good dad and a good partner. I don’t drink, I don’t go out very often because I want to spend time with my child AND with my partner once the baby has been put to bed, I have a flexible work schedule so I can accommodate family priorities, I do chores, I’m a positive person around the house because I want to have a positive, pleasant vibe in the home. Anyway, yes, I may biased, maybe I’m not seeing something, but I’m not so sure.

 

So, I’m at the point right now where I think that she is just a negative person because that’s her personnality. She never misses a chance to criticize me or anything that is related to me (i.e. a friend), she never admits her own faults and mistakes, she never sincerely apologizes for .. well anything .., she doesn’t seem to even realize that sometimes I’m hurt or that she has disrespected me .. It’s almost as if she doesn’t care .. She doesn’t make any effort whatsoever to change, to rectify a situation, to apologize, etc.

 

And the worst part of this .. is that she never talks about it. She’s always like “No, it’s fine” and “Uh huh, ok” .. She never wants to tackle a conflict straight up and talk about it, deal with it .. to me, this is not normal. She also doesn’t want to seek help .. so forget doctors and psychologists and therapists .. she doesn’t need help, she says. Again, this behaviour is not normal. It’s almost as if, she wants to be miserable, she wants to be unhappy, she wants to be a victim of life’s unfortunate events .. and she wants everyone around to know this. Basically, she doesn’t try to change things, make things better, find a way to get rid of this moodiness .. she suffers in silence .. and that’s where she and I are different.

 

But the baby is her pride and joy, you could never tell that she’s negative when she’s with the baby, and rightfully so. The baby doesn’t deserve to have her parents argue over crap. I also think that my spouse takes me for granted, that I will always be there .. but she treats me like s*** sometimes and doesn’t even realize it. And then she starts talking about OUR next child. Well, I’ll have to think about that. I mean, I do want a second child, but she better change or something’s gotta change.

 

Before you say it’s probably the baby that has changed the dynamic of our couple, I don’t think that this is what caused all of this. We’ve been having these fussy moments before birth and I managed to hang in there by ALWAYS making the first steps, apologizing for everything, taking the blame all the time .. Now, I don’t have the energy to do that, so I let it slide, it doesn’t affect me.

 

Anyone relate to this? Any advice? Is separation an option? I know this would be terrible for our child, especially when she gets older, but I have to think of myself in this .. my spouse is wearing me down and I’m becoming unhappy.

 

Thanks for reading through this.[/quote

 

If i was to say i was thinking of leaving. She would reply go on then.... 12yrs together with kids...

Since i started to get a life again she always puts ne down... she put me down today infront of everyone saying i was an idiot and stupid for aving fun playing kids games.

I said ur just jelous u cant do it and she replied she has nothing to be jelous off... i cant be bothered anymore... i think she is insecure... she never shows me respect. Compliments me. I am talked to worse than the dog... but i keep positive... the worse case for me is aving a big blow and having to leave... that means i have nowhere to go...so i become homeless.

I can tell she is miserable too... the talks do nothing...

[Henrymlim]

Dear all, I can identify with 95% of the things that you guys have said. I am 32, married for a year and a half. Dated for 3 years and I must admit that during the courtship period, I overlooked many signs of my wife's negativity & tried to "do better" on my part. We argued very frequently and it got worse after wedding. Came to a point where I realized that no matter how much I try, she still is unhappy, critical, jealous of everyone's "fortunes" and play victim in everything that didn't happen according to her expectations. Similarly prior to any job interviews, she would conclude that she won't get the job anyway. Recently when she got to know that a rival's boyfriend is planning a surprise proposal, she is afraid that the rival may get a bigger diamond than her 0.42 carat Lazare diamond I bought her. So without any heart / she wants to sell the engagement ring to get another "better" one to upstage her rival before she can be upstaged. And she said going forward, she will want to always stay ahead of her rival in every aspect e.g. She wants to tour a destination before the rival does, she wants to drive a better & more pricey car, etc. I am totally dumbfounded by the vengeful & hateful way to prove herself to the world

[totaboy]

I am 36, married for last 5 years. I kept on ignoring the signs of negativity & tried to be "a better person". Later I realized, how can I convert the entire planet earth into "a better person"??? She can't tolerate if other people are happy. She can't tolerate my friends and their families. And she get annoyed if I laugh. I don't know what should I do.

[Unreasonable]

Yes, I can relate. Oh boy can I. Unfortunately, this is not your problem, it's hers. Some people can't be happy unless they are unhappy.

 

Until she recognizes she has a problem, and seeks help, this is not going to change.

 

Sounds like ultimatum time. You don't want to end up some shell of a man dying an early death from the grief.

[SeekingToKnow]

Wow - this sounds exactly like my wife (For context: I've been married 5 years, we have 2 kids; ages boy 5.5 & girl 2.5), especially your description of her responses to you. Also, the same with the babies. When with the babies, except for the stressful stuff, she seems like the happiest person in the world.

 

My experiences: My wife doesn't say she's sorry, ever. She's constantly scolding or criticizing me for things like my parenting style, activities I plan, my friends, my taste, etc... I'm always reaching out the hand to make amends when we have an argument, never her. She tries to "control" everything about our lifestyle, down to things like my boy can't have the back window open because the noise bothers her, but he gets great joy out of it, on occasion. She cannot take criticism, and the thought of getting help is out of the question.

 

I only just found this website, because now that we're on a 2 week summer vacation, she seems EVEN MORE negative!! I'm leaning towards tying this to a control factor at this point - in a way. Because when SHE plans the summer vacations, with HER family in Hawaii, she is not nearly as negative as now that I HAVE Planned it, in MICHIGAN (where she has never been), with MY family. So I think this is part of it. But she also had kind of a tough childhood, with a very critical father so this is also probably part of it.

 

I am so frustrated, I feel like I've had it, I can't be around her. Even when my friend stayed with us for a couple months this year, he noticed it and was careful about saying anything, but finally did. It's worse when we're together every day. Normally, she stays with her mom during the week (it's actually her house) and I stay at "my" or our house (I owned it before we were married). So we get a lot of break from each other during the weeks. But now that we're on vacation it's so much worse. What's funny, is the negativity is so focused on such mundane stuff, it's driving me crazy!!

 

Here's a snippet:

• (on a windy day in Grand Rapids): This is weird weather, it's so windy.
  
• (always a backseat driver, and no one every criticizes my driving): Can you slow down, this road is rough.
  
• (staying in downton Grand Rapids): There's no good food around here, it's all fusion, I don't like fusion.
  
• (after I took an extra 10 minutes to get groceries, before we checked into the hotel): What did you buy that took so long? The baby needs to eat, I can't believe you took 20 minutes!! (practically yelling at me). I asked her how much of her time she was going to spend going over my decision to get a few extra things for us. She literally replied - the rest of her vacation!
  

 

Earlier, I literally challenged her that every time she wants to say something negative, to please try to reverse it, and think of 1 positive thing to say instead. She said NO - I have feelings and opinions, and I will voice them whenever I want.

 

I guess it seems like therapy is the only solution, but I am not sure she is open to it.

 

Thanks for listening also, but I commiserate with you and maybe we can find a solution

[Rocky333]

So read all 3 pages and I am like that's my relationship. My wife apart from being negative is also very arrogant and destructive. If u say something she doesn't like she will start throwing stuff around. Also very lazy and blaming others for things that go wrong. Essentially everything that u guys mentioned.

 

We both are 28 and expecting a baby next summer. Any help guys ? I am trying to hold it together but it's getting tougher.

[chrisd4x4]

So I just join this group and have read thru this whole 3 page conversation and I swear somebody is living my exact life! I am at a loss and I don't know what to do either. I'm ready to be happy that for darn sure!

[Capricorn3]

Thread is seven years old and the OP has never returned. Thread closed.