BU191433 Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 8 weeks ago I broke up with him (we were together for two years) . There has been some good, some bad days , but something I consider strange has been happening over the past 4 or 5 days. I have started thinking about him more and more, remembering all the good times, forgetting the bad times. Thinking what it would be like to be together again. My brain tells me no, don't think about it, stay away, it is a bad idea to think about it, and it would be a bad idea to get back together. Yesterday I spent sometime reading many of the birthday, valentine's, anniversary cards that he got me. Does this mean I want to get back together with him. Logically I know getting back together would not be the best idea, because I'm sure within a week or two I'll be right back to where I was when we broke up to begin with. Is this is a normal process of recovering? It seems I don't want to let go, I would love to hang out with him, ask him a hundred question that are none of my business. Anyone else go through something like this 2 months after, when weeks 3 through 7 you felt like you had moved on? Thanks t Link to comment
hmmwhoknows Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 I don't know what this means, but I'm hoping you're not the only girl dumper that is having second thoughts after a couple months. I haven't heard from my ex since the breakup, and I truly wonder what is going on in her head. Link to comment
Harper314 Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 I think it is part of the process of recovery and healing. Giving yourself a break from the relationship and allowing yourself to breath and meditate on whats happened. Letting go of past faults and wrong doings so that you may lift the weight of pain, sorrow and maybe even guilt. Which would let yourself move on or possibly even go back and pursue a relationship with him again being it an intimate or friendly one. Now is your choice to self-reflect and ask yourself what your wants and needs are for better understanding. Then can you figure out where your going. Other then that keeping an open mind and working on things that need help such as work, education, dreams desires and ambition. Exercise, get out in the open air and see what you can find since your, for the most part, unclouded by the aftermath of your break up. Link to comment
Psinic Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 HI, Alot also depends on the reasons you broke up and how it happened. You mention that you know if you went back you would be back to where you were when yhou broke up - but could anything have changed. Is it possible he or you have grown, changed or could work on the issues? My ex left me 9 weeks ago today, and she left telling me the reasons why. I have since worked on those reasons and am getting the help i need (i have been suffering with depression). I have told my ex this but she either doesn't care or there were other reasons for the breakup she didn't tell me. Thing is now I have moved on, and have found myself in a happier and healthier place too. The moral i believe is that if you want to be in a relationship, then both parties need to work at making it. If one of you isnt willing to work at it for whatever reason, then it is over. But dont give up on a potentially good relationship just because some work is required. Link to comment
Seth_82 Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 I think it is normal... You just can't forget about someone after all the good things, memories and moments you have shared... The connection that you've built cannot be undone that easily... I'm a dumpee and I a strong part of me wants my ex back... I've made some mistakes but I find that people forget something very basic about human nature... I don't know what happened with him but there a difference between someone's personality and someone's behavior. If the things that led to the breakup was part of his personality, then the chances that he changed are low. If it was because of a behavior, it can be corrected. Humans tend to take others for granted and who else than that special someone with who you spend most of your time? Sometime, we need to be reminded that nothing in life is for sure and it seem easy to figure that out but unconsciously, we don't get it. I have done bad things and mistakes but it was do to my bad behavior and not personality... In psychology, if you want a bad behavior to go away, you have to punish it... (saying your disappointed, go on break, move out for a few days etc...) How many of us really punish the other appropriately? Aren't always having make up sex after a few hours of arguing without fixing the core of the problem? Arguing and screaming at someone isn't punishment if you end up having sex or kissing moments later... The ultimate punishment is the break up... Most of us dumpee, knows how much we would make things right if we were giving a scond chance. Breaking up is the ultimate punishment and one of the sure thing to change someones behaviour...not personality. That's why a broken relationship is always both's people fault. Did you punish untolerable behaviour accordingly? Of course the Dumpee (whatever he's done to you is to blame for causing you harm) Ask yourself those things: 1-Was it a personality problem or bad behavior 2-Was he accordingly punished with escalated consequences to his bad behaviors or just broke up when you had enough 3-How was the communication 4-His feelings for you (its obvious that you have feelings for him) 5-Did he understood why he was dumped and that you should never be taken for granted ever again 6-Did he change the behavior and why (I find changing a behavior for you is not a good reason. He should change that behavior because he believes it to be wrong first and foremost.) If he passes all of those then there's hope... You know him better than anyone, you'll know if he's sincere or just saying what you want to hear Link to comment
BU191433 Posted April 26, 2010 Author Share Posted April 26, 2010 If I had to put it into one sentence. I broke up with him because the passion was gone. And by that I don't mean sex, I mean I started feeling different towards him, I didn't see a future longterm with him. I didn't love him anymore or perhaps, I wasn't in love with him anymore. Nothing bad happened, it was much more of the case that something was lacking. So to answer the question it was more personality and less behavior. Is it normal to have about 100 questions I want to ask him, about how he dealt with the breakup, who did you talk to, who was there for you, who hates me the most, who wanted to kill me, how did you deal with things. Do you want to hangout and go see a movie this weekend as friends. I still care, I guess is all. But why is all this hitting me more now than it did in weeks 3-8. I suppose it is just a phase, probably loneliness more than anything. Thanks for all the great responses, I do appreciate it. Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 It is very normal. You will read in many places on this forum that at the 8 week mark of NC with a dumpee, the dumper feels the full impact of the emptiness and loss of the person they dumped. Most dumpers if they are to reconcile seem to do it at this magic 8 week mark. Link to comment
Seth_82 Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 I think you miss the affection or attachements that you shared...but no attraction will kill the sexual tension between the both of you... If you're not attracted to him...you can't force it... There are plenty of guy that will give you kindness, affection, comfort and make you feel like jumping on him everytime you see him...lol! Then my advise is...let go... We cannot change someone's personality...only their behaviour... Link to comment
RobD70 Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 Yea it's normal. When you dump someone you put all the negative aspects of the other person up front and use that to get the strength to dump them. It takes 6-8 weeks for all that negativity to subside. You are right though, if you tried to reconcile this early it will fail because the problems are still there and not enough time has passed for any real changes to take affect. That usually takes about 6 months. By then if you still have feelings for him then that would be the time to reach out to him. Link to comment
TryingVeryHard Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 I'm guessing these loose time table being discussed in here don't apply when the dumper gets inolved in another relationship very soon after the breakup... Link to comment
Lastchallenge Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 Wow I'm suprised that some people would rather quit... If u like the guy give it a second chance life is too short to not make sure... but Of course how did he react after the break up? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 Wow I'm suprised that some people would rather quit... If u like the guy give it a second chance life is too short to not make sure... but Of course how did he react after the break up? She's not attracted to him and can't see herself with him long-term. It doesn't make sense for her to try again out of lonliness because she'll just leave him again. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 Its very normal... the body/brain doesn't like to store long term painful information... its just to hard! So eventually you let go of the crappy stuff and you are left with the stuff that makes you smile! I liken it to when I was in a car accident and my head hit and shattered the windshield. I have NO MEMORY of hitting the windshield. I remember seconds before and immediately after the crash as I did not lose consciousness but I have no clue of the impact. The brain likes it that way - to traumatic!!!! That's my body looking out for itself! I had an injury when I was 6. Incredibly painful - I took a full force swing of a golf club square in the mouth knocking out 4 teeth. To say it hurt was an understatement as I was rushed to the ER and immediately to surgery... don't u just love siblings! We tried to kill each other the first 18yr of life! Anyway... I remember the accident... I remember the scary hospital visit... I remember waking up in recovery all alone... But even as I remember it was one of the most painful things I had ever gone through I can't specifically remember the pain. You can remember that something hurt but you really can't remember the actual pain. Again - body protection mechanism... So if it helps - enjoy those great times in your memory but write down a pro and con list of why a long term relationship wouldn't work for the two of you. Good Luck! Link to comment
snoopydog Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 She's not attracted to him and can't see herself with him long-term. It doesn't make sense for her to try again out of lonliness because she'll just leave him again. Where does she say she's not attracted to him? Did I miss that? Link to comment
jellysandwich Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 If I had to put it into one sentence. I broke up with him because the passion was gone. And by that I don't mean sex, I mean I started feeling different towards him, I didn't see a future longterm with him. I didn't love him anymore or perhaps, I wasn't in love with him anymore. Nothing bad happened, it was much more of the case that something was lacking. Not sure if you consider that "attraction". Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 This does happen and is common. I suspect that you weighed why this relationship would not work out and broke up with him for various reasons unknown to us. Having said that, I agree with Rob. It takes about 6-8 weeks to release some of the negativity that occurred and the feelings of good times/memories will come in. It is a chemical reaction to miss the person that you felt to attached to in the past. However, it may be temporary and unless you have passed the 3 month mark I suspect that it would be wise to not reunite with him simply because you miss him. If however after 3-6 months you still miss him and have both changed for the better, then I don't seem the harm in trying again. Link to comment
BU191433 Posted April 26, 2010 Author Share Posted April 26, 2010 Thank you all so much, it really helps. Yes, still attracted, still care, still really like. I am not planning on reuniting with him, the reasons I broke up with him are sound and logical. Just the normal process of healing I suppose. You always have doubts. Wonder if he knows that yes I have doubts, although that might make him feel worse. Link to comment
fuddiduddy Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 Can I cut in for a moment? (Sorry to hijack your thread briefly OP). What if your partner dumped you for reasons unrelated to you and the rship? i.e., he had a personal ordeal that caused him to retreat and isolate himself (and falling into a depression, perhaps) and as a result, he concluded he was in no shape for a rshp? My partner says both me and the rshp were great, he's still in love with me, but he "needs to be alone." I'm wondering if he'll want to return after getting the therapy and space he needs? And I'm wondering if he's missing me at this point, the same way the OP is missing her ex. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 26, 2010 Share Posted April 26, 2010 Where does she say she's not attracted to him? Did I miss that? I was referring to below. I should not have interpreted that as lack of attraction. It's actually worse ... not being in love any longer ... Originally Posted by BU191433 If I had to put it into one sentence. I broke up with him because the passion was gone. And by that I don't mean sex, I mean I started feeling different towards him, I didn't see a future longterm with him. I didn't love him anymore or perhaps, I wasn't in love with him anymore. Nothing bad happened, it was much more of the case that something was lacking. Link to comment
elle83 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Isn't lack of passion normal after a while? Doesn't love turn into more of a companionate love? I just thought after all the fire has died, you make a choice. If your lives has been so intertwined and bonds were formed, you decide whether to start loving them in a different way or not. The passion will come from affection. I'm just a believer in love being is a choice rather than a feeling. Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 Not sure if you consider that "attraction". I'm not sure what to make of this, though. She was obviously attracted to him. They were together two years and still having sex, right? I think it's the normal let down that happens when the honeymoon ends. IMO, it's a mistake to end a relationship because of that. No relationship will stay exciting and super passionate past a certain point. That doesn't make it bad. It should transition into a deeper albeit calmer kind of intimacy. Just something to consider, OP. As far as the 8 week mark, yeah, they say dumpers start to reconsider at that point. At first, you were probably relieved to be free of whatever was bothering you about him/your relationship. Now you're over that and are left with the loss. Waiting a while longer is good advice. If you're still feeling the same after another month, you might want to contact him. In the meantime, I'd try to get really clear with myself about what went wrong, why you were unhappy, what you'd want in an ideal relationship, etc. so you can make a good decision. It's not all about gut feelings . . . Link to comment
hater13 Posted May 26, 2010 Share Posted May 26, 2010 well it depends, why did you two break up? Link to comment
elle83 Posted May 31, 2010 Share Posted May 31, 2010 I wholeheartedly agree. Passion will always settle down. However, the relationship should shift into a more mature love, where both will strengthen a bond and share intimacy. It's a different story if the OP NEVER felt attraction before, but that is not the case. Many people quit after this, thinking the "love is gone", and go to a different relationship seeking the same rush...but inevitably, it'll happen again. Link to comment
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