he's lost his mojo

[FathomFear]

I too have like 60 lbs. on my guy and our sex life couldn't get any better... So totally disagree on the whole girl's weight over their guy's theory. That may be a lot or most guys, but I'm pretty chunky and have no problem getting a man. I weigh more than every ex I've ever had, and not one cared about my size...

 

So ya... not every guy's that shallow. And no, not all "heavy" women are heavy because of lack of motivation or things of that sort... It can be genetic too, but then that's going to go into another argument. Let's just say not all guys care about the weight issue. I'm heavier than pretty much all my friends and can get more guys... So ya, bad theory guys... sorry.

 

The issue for me is not so much the weight, but the fact that her size changed drastically. You said you've "always" been heavier than your partners--well, given that, it's possible that you end up pairing with guys who don't care about weight or who are actually attracted to your particular size. It's entirely possible that if you lost 60 pounds that your partner could lose interest in you, just becuase your image changes.

 

Not everyone is going to be that way, though, and it's not necessarily a shallow position to be attracted to an average weight. Weight is not just about image but it is also about health. Genetics can often determine the ease with which people lose or gain weight, but there's no gene that can break the laws of thermodynamics--ie, if you take in fewer calories than your body expends, you will lose weight. And that's something we all need to remind ourselves, lest we resort to the "My genes cause me to be this way.." argument.

[greywolf]

I wonder if he finds you unattractive now. I think effort should go both ways. If you want him to make effort in bed, you should also be making some effort to look attractive to him. Even if it doesn't work, you would greatly benefit from losing some weight and feeling sexy again.

[greywolf]

I too have like 60 lbs. on my guy and our sex life couldn't get any better... So totally disagree on the whole girl's weight over their guy's theory. That may be a lot or most guys, but I'm pretty chunky and have no problem getting a man. I weigh more than every ex I've ever had, and not one cared about my size...

 

So ya... not every guy's that shallow. And no, not all "heavy" women are heavy because of lack of motivation or things of that sort... It can be genetic too, but then that's going to go into another argument. Let's just say not all guys care about the weight issue. I'm heavier than pretty much all my friends and can get more guys... So ya, bad theory guys... sorry.

 

It's not just about being shallow, (forgive me if this is offensive OP), but based on what the OP has said, she must be over 200 lbs. It's more than just an attraction issue. At that point, it would be a compatibility issue to me. And I understand OP that there were certain unavoidable circumstances that lead to the weight gain, and I would take that into account; however, I can see how it still might be difficult for your bf.

[Baily]

your answer there is 'you gained a lot of weight'

 

sorry, but it's true...

 

being much larger than you were...he's not turned on...

 

I hope the mods don't delete this for being honest...that's why we are here...

[Gath]

No, I hear you. I've tried this approach with him and he keeps telling me it's not an issue, but I think you hit the nail right on the head. If losing weight is what will fix it, and you're right, I shall bake you cyber-cookies lol.

 

A guy with any brain at all would never tell his girlfriend he's not attracted to her because of her weight. He would have to be utterly insane. You cannot expect honesty in this regard.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Yes, the sad thing is people are afraid to be honest on things like this, then they just grow apart and the guy eventually leaves using some other excuse because he doesn't want to offend her.

 

I think couples need to be able to be honest no matter what the circumstance, so that communication stays open and the problem can be worked on by both people.

 

I think some guys are too stringent and lose attraction even when the girlfriend is a normal weight but not 'fashionably' thin, but in the case of a major weight gain, the guy can feel like the woman has lost interest in him by 'letting herself go' and all kinds of other negative feelings come into play that need to be brought out into the open and dealt with.

 

Our culture really does have a fat phobia, and one can't neglect that when dating as it narrows the choices of partners if someone really gains a lot of weight.... not necessarily fair, but the way it is...

[mmmd]

most weight loss occurs as a result of diet, and not exercise.

 

so the lack of time issue doesn't really hold water.

 

if you want to lose weight, make changes to your diet and supplement it with some exercise.

[DD123]

i weigh about 50 pounds more than my boyfriend, and our sex life is great. though, he is just super skinny...(he weighs 105 and i weigh 155) either way though, you should definitely try losing some weight and see if that helps your sex life. wouldnt hurt. could be something else though, some medical reason why his libido is down. i would say try losing weight, and maybe he should see a doctor?

[Gath]

most weight loss occurs as a result of diet, and not exercise.

 

so the lack of time issue doesn't really hold water.

 

if you want to lose weight, make changes to your diet and supplement it with some exercise.

 

Rapid weight loss requires both. Only dieting will put your body into a conservation mode. And starving yourself will eliminate muscle mass rather than fat because its easier for the body to break down.

 

Anyway, people make too big a deal of "weight" when they should be concerned with size, shape, and body fat %. Weight alone is not a very meaningful number.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I have to chime in on the weight issue. He was obviously attracted to you at the beginning of the relationship (unless I missed that thread). You mentioned that you gained 60 lbs. Now, he's lost his mojo. I agree with the other posters.

 

Attraction can be a very touchy issue, and your weight is certainly a part of it. I've been in this boat (at less than 60 lbs), and believe me, all of the jokes about "does this dress make my butt look big," start swarming in your head. The correct answer is always "no." There just isn't a good way to talk about this without someone getting hurt. Especially if the weight gain was due to an injury.

 

He can't say the words, but I think you have your answer.