he's lost his mojo

[jazzy20]

My boyfriend of 2 years and I have had sex a grand total of 3 times since the new year... I think. I have a rather high sex drive, his is completely gone. He won't talk to me about it. He says he has no idea why, but he just doesn't get aroused. A 20 year old red-blooded male with arousal issues?? I find it rather hard to believe that it's just him. I've gained a lot of weight in the last year so my "sexy" clothes don't fit anymore. I feel beyond un-sexy but he says (not with all that much conviction) that he still finds me physically attractive. But since I have a hard time believing that any 20 year old male could have this level of arousal issues, I REALLY have a hard time believing that I am still attractive to him.

 

I don't know how much longer I can deal with this, and I personally believe that breaking up over sex when everything else in the relationship is great is rather shallow and petty. But that's just me.

[guynextdoor]

Does he masturbate alot? Watches porn? Is he stressed out or depressed?

[jazzy20]

nope (he literally has no urge), nope, slightly (exam time at the moment, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt) and he said he's gotten over it... which I can believe. I've seen his lows and the last few months he's been the happiest that I've seen yet...

[guynextdoor]

Yeah that is rather odd.. When you guys do become intimate do you both enjoy it? Or does it seem like a chore for him?

[misssmithviii]

Men are very visual, with that said, have you thought of a weight loss regimen? I know some people will crucify me for this advice, but I think it's important to stay as healthy and in shape as you can. The relationship is going very well without considering the sex-life, so taking a little jog and eating healthier doesn't sound too daunting.

 

Other than that, is he experiencing any depression? Any drastic changes in life? I'm going off of you saying everything else in the relationship is great so the only thing left is what you could do - but if you sense other things, then it very well could be him losing his libido.

 

I don't know for sure of course, you know better than anyone - but I hope those were some helpful things to consider ^_^

[Taikero]

From what you've described, it's one or a combination of:

 

He has low testosterone levels due to diet/events/lifestyle

He's cheating (though you've given no indication of suspicion, it's a possibility)

He finds you unattractive now, or maybe just the weight thing is a turn off to him even if he still finds you attractive in other ways

[jazzy20]

Yeah that is rather odd.. When you guys do become intimate do you both enjoy it? Or does it seem like a chore for him?

 

I know *I* enjoy it lol. He doesn't act all "*sigh* fine" if that's what you mean...

[jazzy20]

Men are very visual, with that said, have you thought of a weight loss regimen? I know some people will crucify me for this advice, but I think it's important to stay as healthy and in shape as you can. The relationship is going very well without considering the sex-life, so taking a little jog and eating healthier doesn't sound too daunting.

 

Other than that, is he experiencing any depression? Any drastic changes in life? I'm going off of you saying everything else in the relationship is great so the only thing left is what you could do - but if you sense other things, then it very well could be him losing his libido.

 

I don't know for sure of course, you know better than anyone - but I hope those were some helpful things to consider ^_^

 

 

Honestly, yes I have considered the working out thing, I hate the way I look right now, but that's beside the point. I'm in university full-time as well as working full-time to support myself. If I could find a set time during the day, EVERY day to fit in a workout, I'd do it in a heart beat. I actually have P90 X sitting on my shelf right now (starting on Monday, no more uni!)

 

What you say makes complete sense, and I hold no offence because as stated, I hate my figure right now and want to be thinner. I'm just hoping if I do lose the weight that it would improve this issue.

[guynextdoor]

Whatsup with the alien flippin a birdy? 2nd time I see a post like this.. Sorry OT.

[XxJustMexX]

Usually people with depression issues (even just mild depression) can have low libido... I have an ex who has severe depression but even on his "ok" times he'd still have no sex drive... A part of his issue was also his self esteem... He confided in me that he was very insecure when it came to sex (and penis size... even though I constantly assured him he was fine...) and that caused a lot of his low sex drive...

 

So ya... it may not even be you.

[jazzy20]

Whatsup with the alien flippin a birdy? 2nd time I see a post like this.. Sorry OT.

 

zero and x side by side = 0X .... apparently lol

[jazzy20]

Usually people with depression issues (even just mild depression) can have low libido... I have an ex who has severe depression but even on his "ok" times he'd still have no sex drive... A part of his issue was also his self esteem... He confided in me that he was very insecure when it came to sex (and penis size... even though I constantly assured him he was fine...) and that caused a lot of his low sex drive...

 

So ya... it may not even be you.

 

I get that, because this kind of thing has happened before, just not so drastically. But last year, while still taking the anti-depressents, his libido was just fine. We didn't have sex every day, but at least once a week was the norm... then...

[guynextdoor]

How much weight did you gain? Seriously unless you double your weight I highly doubt that would be the reason to lose his mojo. My ex gain weight after having our kid and she was still attractive to me and I still wanted to get it on.

[jazzy20]

How much weight did you gain? Seriously unless you double your weight I highly doubt that would be the reason to lose his mojo. My ex gain weight after having our kid and she was still attractive to me and I still wanted to get it on.

 

About 60 pounds. Though if I ask anybody, and I mean ANYBODY to guess my weight, they say about 170 lbs (WAAAAY off). I have a lot of muscle on me so I don't look like a typical "morbidly obese" person.

[Taikero]

Couple questions:

 

How fit is he? Is he slim/athletic?

 

How tall are the both of you? Do you weigh more than he does? Yes, it matters.

[jazzy20]

Couple questions:

 

How fit is he? Is he slim/athletic?

 

How tall are the both of you? Do you weigh more than he does? Yes, it matters.

 

Not super fit. He's 6'4, about 170 lbs, quite lanky. I'm 5'8 and got nearly 100 lbs on him.

[OntheWire]

Is he on any meds? Certain meds can have a strong effect on sex drive. Also, overuse of stimulants can cause difficulty in erection... ephedrine, caffeine, etc.

[jazzy20]

Not super fit. He's 6'4, about 170 lbs, quite lanky. I'm 5'8 and got nearly 100 lbs on him.

 

Nope. He doesn't even drink coffee anymore.

[Taikero]

Not super fit. He's 6'4, about 170 lbs, quite lanky. I'm 5'8 and got nearly 100 lbs on him.

 

I'm not trying to tear you down here, but I am going to be honest. If I was with a woman and she weighed 100 pounds more than me, it would definitely affect the sex life. This isn't about the looks, it's about my partner taking care of their body and health. It would turn me off both physically and mentally.

 

Even if you wear it well, that's a lot of weight. I approve strongly any effort you make to slim down and think it will help your sex life only because of the drastic disparity in your body types.

[jazzy20]

I'm not trying to tear you down here, but I am going to be honest. If I was with a woman and she weighed 100 pounds more than me, it would definitely affect the sex life. This isn't about the looks, it's about my partner taking care of their body and health. It would turn me off both physically and mentally.

 

Even if you wear it well, that's a lot of weight. I approve strongly any effort you make to slim down and think it will help your sex life only because of the drastic disparity in your body types.

 

No, I hear you. I've tried this approach with him and he keeps telling me it's not an issue, but I think you hit the nail right on the head. If losing weight is what will fix it, and you're right, I shall bake you cyber-cookies lol.

[justsayno]

I have to be 100% honest --- I think its the weight. When I was married, my husband would always shy away from sex those last few months of pregnancy. How much weight have you gained? If you want a diet buddy I'll join u!! I need to lose weight for my high school reunion. Send me a PM.

[lavenderdove]

60 lbs. is a really large weight gain, so you definitely look a lot different now as you are aware.

 

Most weight loss is accomplished by dieting rather than exercise... exercise helps tone you up, but if you want to lose the weight, you need to find a diet program and stick to it, whether that is low carb or weight watchers or whatever. so lack of exercise is no excuse for a change in eating habits that can be done without taking a lot of time/effort.

 

there's a really good website called sparkpeople that lets you track everything you eat and tell you all about the calories and nutritional content of your daily meals... you can set your goals and try to stay within a certain range every day to get back on track.

 

i think for your own health you need to do this, as 60 lbs is a big weight gain. and if you're eating for emotional reasons, perhaps you can consult a counselor to help you deal with stress in other ways other than food.

 

that being said, i still have some concern that he is totally off sex with you, as in how much does he love you? he should be encouraging you to take care of your health and get on a program, rather than lying to you about still being attracted when he isn't. And what happens if you get pregnant, or get old and wrinkled? i think you need to really analyze how much this guy loves you, and if he's not willing to work on getting a good sex life going (and you willinlg to work on getting in shape again), then perhaps this relationship won't work.

[jazzy20]

I just want to clarify (not trying to rationalize, I just notice some people are making some incorrect, though completely valid assumptions):

 

1) The 60 lb weight gain has been over the last 16 ish months, starting with breaking my kneecap and physio not letting me do much in the way of cardio for 7 months. It was not an "all-of-a-sudden" things.

 

2) I am a full-time university student working full-time at McDonald's with no financial aid living on my own (he doesn't live with me). The budget is tight. Carbs (ie pasta, rice, etc) are cheap and plentiful and the temptation of work food is constant (THAT one is totally my fault there). I am trying to integrate fruits and veggies into my diet, but sometimes money issues won't let me get more than the barest of essentials.

 

I'm not trying to bash anything any of you have said, but as I mentioned, I have a feeling some invalid assumptions have been made.

[FathomFear]

My number one suspicion would be depression. That can easily destroy a person's sex drive.

 

However, I wouldn't be shocked if your change in appearance over time has had an effect. Could be a cominbation of both factors.

[XxJustMexX]

I too have like 60 lbs. on my guy and our sex life couldn't get any better... So totally disagree on the whole girl's weight over their guy's theory. That may be a lot or most guys, but I'm pretty chunky and have no problem getting a man. I weigh more than every ex I've ever had, and not one cared about my size...

 

So ya... not every guy's that shallow. And no, not all "heavy" women are heavy because of lack of motivation or things of that sort... It can be genetic too, but then that's going to go into another argument. Let's just say not all guys care about the weight issue. I'm heavier than pretty much all my friends and can get more guys... So ya, bad theory guys... sorry.