confused about FWB rules

[Jennibean]

So recenlty I had to end a FWB situation and did so by requesting we just be friends. He replied by saying " what do you mean, we've always just been friends" which left me confused. Isnt a FWB a step above being friends? He used to say we were "talking", now we were just plain buddies all along? Im very confused. How should I take this? My first reaction was to be offended. We were friends who hooked up, not just plain platonic friends

[JonasWaingaro]

So recenlty I had to end a FWB situation and did so by requesting we just be friends. He replied by saying " what do you mean, we've always just been friends" which left me confused. Isnt a FWB a step above being friends? He used to say we were "talking", now we were just plain buddies all along? Im very confused. How should I take this? My first reaction was to be offended. We were friends who hooked up, not just plain platonic friends

 

Actually I think it's one step below friends. Friends don't use friends like in FWB's deals. And that's the nature of FWB's, people using people for sex. The friendship rarely survives that stuff. Just an opinion.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Actually I think it's one step below friends. Friends don't use friends like in FWB's deals. And that's the nature of FWB's, people using people for sex. The friendship rarely survives that stuff. Just an opinion.

 

I agree. FWB is really the more palatable way of saying Fbuddy. Sure there may be some talking on the phone and even sometimes dinner and a movie to make it appear as if there is some kind of friendship...but that is just basically keeping the other person "sweet' in order to keep the sex deal going. FWB is basically two people using each other for sex..and very often one person (usually the woman) takes it more seriously at the emotional level than the other person.

[Jennibean]

you might be right. I regret it so much, I really think its messed with my psyche a bit. It was such a lop-sided situation, and totally out of character for what I normally do...so should I cut off all ties?

[annie24]

jenni - welcome to enotalone. it sounds to me like he's considered you a 'friend' all along. not more than that. i think you need to make it clear that you no longer wish to have NSA sex (no strings attached).

[annie24]

you might be right. I regret it so much, I really think its messed with my psyche a bit. It was such a lop-sided situation, and totally out of character for what I normally do...so should I cut off all ties?

 

do you want to be his friend and ONLY his friend? or do you want to properly date him?

[Jennibean]

Exactly! we went to the movies, dinner, parties, you name it; it almost felt like a real relationship...

[Jennibean]

thanks annie...I do have feelings for him, but it could never work long term and so I would want to only be friends. I just dont know if we can go back to that as it may be too hard

[nicknick]

I had FWB situation a good few years ago. We also went out for dinner and drinks. But at the end of the day it was just about sex (for her).

 

I fell for her and told her so. She finished it as she said it wouldn't be fair to carry on seeing me when she had no feelings at all for me. Yeah sure it hurt. I'm glad i experienced it because it taught me to never ever do it again (and i haven't).

[JonasWaingaro]

thanks annie...I do have feelings for him, but it could never work long term and so I would want to only be friends. I just dont know if we can go back to that as it may be too hard

 

Oh yeah, welcome to eNA! =) That's the problem, when you have feelings that aren't requited you feel awful. It's difficult to stay just 'friends'. Most people generate a bond when there is a physical/emotional connection. It makes a FWB a bad thing for the person that's wired like that (I could never do FWB as I'm wired like that). Friends is up to you, but like Annie says establish the NSA boundary with him and stick to it.

[tnmom66]

Actually I think it's one step below friends. Friends don't use friends like in FWB's deals. And that's the nature of FWB's, people using people for sex. The friendship rarely survives that stuff. Just an opinion.

 

 

So well put! I was, unfortunately, caught up in a FWB situation and got a baby and an 18 year long relationship from it. I'm less than 2 years into the 18 and it's not much fun.

 

We had the BEST dates and I felt we shared a bond of friendship, but he kept telling me that our relationship was all about sex. It was pretty messed up, and still is. But there is no sex or dating now. Strictly co-parenting.

 

Take the sex away and see what happens. If he disappears, good riddance! You deserve better.

[JonasWaingaro]

hmm,

 

still somewhat confused about the difference between FWB & trying out a relationship in the early stages. any thoughts?

 

is sex only a good idea when you start saying you're actually IN a relationship?

 

Well I think FWB is just sex. No thoughts or inklings for more. You're friends and horny, so figure 'sure we'll use each other for happy fun times'. Neither is looking for a relationship. Both know it's just some sex with a 'friend' and each is up front with this. That would be the ideal I suppose. Is that practical in the real world? I doubt it.

 

Trying out a new relationship both people would have that as a goal. A committed partner in life not just a sex partner when the mood strikes you. (or when you strike out at the bar) Either way it's about communicating what's going on and setting boundaries. I think in FWB deals, one of the people blurs things so they can keep getting the sex without the hassle of a relationship. Another source of confusion in a very confusing 'friendship'.

[annie24]

ah, there was a really good article on craigslist SF outlining the subtle differences between FWB, one-night-stands, F buddies, and dating. the FWB means that there is a Friendship there too! ie, going out to movies, taking care of one another when sick, all the thing that real friends do, but with the sex.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

ah, there was a really good article on craigslist SF outlining the subtle differences between FWB, one-night-stands, F buddies, and dating. the FWB means that there is a Friendship there too! ie, going out to movies, taking care of one another when sick, all the thing that real friends do, but with the sex.

 

The problem is that what happens over time is the going to movies, taking care of one another when sick typically leads one person (usually the female) starting to wonder if there is something more going on and then she (or he) starts getting confused and hopeful that maybe a real relationship is forming...while the other person is thinking no such thing. This is how FWBs typically end in disaster and often end the friendship as well.

[annie24]

The problem is that what happens over time is the going to movies, taking care of one another when sick typically leads one person (usually the female) starting to wonder if there is something more going on and then she (or he) starts getting confused and hopeful that maybe a real relationship is forming...while the other person is thinking no such thing. This is how FWBs typically end in disaster and often end the friendship as well.

 

yes, i agree. eventually, someone wants more. many times anyways.

[tnmom66]

hmm,

 

still somewhat confused about the difference between FWB & trying out a relationship in the early stages. any thoughts?

 

is sex only a good idea when you start saying you're actually IN a relationship?

 

As far as I'm concerned, sex is only a good idea when you have a ring on your finger!!

 

Why rush into having sex? The more sexual partners you have, the higher your risk of getting an STD. And the more opportunities you have for getting your feelings hurt and feeling "used".

 

I don't know how many men and women say, "I'm so sorry I waited till my wedding night to have sex", but there are plenty of broken-hearted people who regret having casual sex.

 

And in case you're wondering, I have a VERY high sex drive, sometimes I need sex so much it hurts and I feel like climbing the walls, but I choose to remain celibate because I think the alternative is potentially more painful. I have been hurt by people who made me think they care, but in hindsight, were only looking for "free" sex. To me, it's not worth it. If a guy doesn't care enough to marry me, he doesn't care enough to get into my pants. Our society would be a lot better off it we didn't make sex so cheap and had more respect for each other.

[Day_Walker]

FWB is about each person getting their sexual needs taken care of. That means that you two are still friends and nothing more. If you were interested in the guy as more than a friend then you were not in the position to handle a being in a FWB situation with him.

[Puddincup]

I think FWB can work out if both people are on the same page. I think there are some couples/friends who can handle this but the majority become unbalanced. If you have romantic feelings for someone, then FWB is a bad idea. I have done FWB in my life and some have been great and others have been a disaster. I am still friends with some of my old FWB partners. The friends part was kept intact but not in every situation. Like all things in life, FWB has pros and cons.

[Jennibean]

Day Walker is right...I had absolutley no interest in him prior and when we came into the situation, we were both on the same page. Then we started spending too much time together going out to dinner, watching movies, going out dancing and to parties.. then came the hand holding and stealing kisses...he would even get angry at guys hitting on me! GAAHH lesson learned!