i HAVE to win him back... help.

[Speranza]

It sounds pretty hopeless but I agree with DN that you should write a letter - after all you have nothing to lose.

 

But write it in Blokespeak - don't splurge out your emotions like we women do, decide what you want him to hear and put it concisely (you can even use bullet points under headings!)

 

Point is, you are where you are because you NEVER SAID HOW YOU FELT.

 

Unless this changes, even if you were together tomorrow it would still be doomed. I have just got over a relationship which finished because the guy I was with simply cannot/will not discuss anything in the emotional sphere. I wasn't asking where we were up to. I wasn't asking anything in fact, but neither did he volunteer anything. And the end result is, I have HAD to move on because I had no idea how he felt about anything. I tried to read his actions but at best you are only second-guessing and maybe seeing what you WANT to see...

 

So - I KNOW that not commnicating kills relationships. So much so that my biggest item on my wish list is 'ability to communicate'.

 

So tell him. Be aware (I think you are) it may change nothing. But at least you will maybe be nearer to some form of closure. If you tell him what's in your heart and he STILL doesn't want to know, at least you have a better idea where you stand.

 

And please believe everyone here who will tell you that it IS possible to move on, one DOES eventually, but this first time is the killer, it's why people talk about never forgetting a first love - it's the first time you really suffer this depth of loss and it hurts, hurts, hurts.

 

We survive...

 

Good luck, and don't waste your life if this turns out to be over for good, come back here and learn how to move on.

[abitbroken]

I tried to tell him I love and miss him before I even knew he was with this new girl. But he started cancelling all our plans, so I never got the chance. Until he was supposed to come visit me one weekend, and I was going to talk to him then, but when I called to confirm the plans... Everything came out.

 

Sometimes when we say "try" we mean: "We beat around the bush about it and hoped he would 'get it'. He apparently wasn't picking up on it even tough I tried so hard." So, quit trying. Just speak exactly what you feel - nothing less. No euphemisms. No sort of saying it to feel someone out.

 

Also - you wanted to talk to him "in the right setting." You wanted to be right there in front of him under certain conditions. He kept cancelling plans so you felt you tried and failed at telling him, when maybe you needed to go with the flow and not be so tied to the idea of the right moment.

[veralyn]

Sometimes when we say "try" we mean: "We beat around the bush about it and hoped he would 'get it'. He apparently wasn't picking up on it even tough I tried so hard." So, quit trying. Just speak exactly what you feel - nothing less. No euphemisms. No sort of saying it to feel someone out.

 

Also - you wanted to talk to him "in the right setting." You wanted to be right there in front of him under certain conditions. He kept cancelling plans so you felt you tried and failed at telling him, when maybe you needed to go with the flow and not be so tied to the idea of the right moment.

 

 

 

So it's been seven months now since the messy, emotional conversation..... Should I still write him a letter? He says we're still friends, and keeps making plans, and I want to tell him in person, but then he keeps not following up... I really screwed this up, and it's killing me..... absolutely killing me...... can couples ever recover from something like this and start all over again?

[veralyn]

He loved me until last summer. It's hard for me to believe that if you've held on to something that hard for so long, that not even a part of him is willing to give it a second chance..... That he just doesn't know what to do right now, so is avoiding conflict by doing nothing at all...... Ultimately, I wish I could let it ride, and wait until I get to see him in person, and talk to him then..... But it might be too late. As it seems to already be. Do you think that if I write him a letter, it might increase our chances of starting again? Or do you think he'll just think I'm obsessed and not even want to be my friend...... It's tricky, because I'd rather have him as a friend in my life than nothing at all, so I'm scared of ruining that...... But that's exactly why I said nothing for so long (and him too), so maybe now I just need to take a stance and be honest about my feelings

[abitbroken]

So it's been seven months now since the messy, emotional conversation..... Should I still write him a letter? He says we're still friends, and keeps making plans, and I want to tell him in person, but then he keeps not following up... I really screwed this up, and it's killing me..... absolutely killing me...... can couples ever recover from something like this and start all over again?

 

Firstly - you are not "a couple." Thinking that you are "together" but on hiatus or that you are "meant to be" is part of what got you here in the first place. Somehow you felt he was destined or supposed to be with you, therefore you did not speak up. He may say you are "friends" meaning that there are no hard feelings, but being that he is with someone else, he is not going to invest as much in the friendship as he used to. You are, again, waiting for the perfectly right and controlled moment to get him alone to talk to him face to face. That may never happen like you want it too so you either have to forget about him or you have to spit out what you really want to say.

 

He loved me until last summer. It's hard for me to believe that if you've held on to something that hard for so long, that not even a part of him is willing to give it a second chance..... That he just doesn't know what to do right now, so is avoiding conflict by doing nothing at all...... Ultimately, I wish I could let it ride, and wait until I get to see him in person, and talk to him then..... But it might be too late. As it seems to already be. Do you think that if I write him a letter, it might increase our chances of starting again? Or do you think he'll just think I'm obsessed and not even want to be my friend...... It's tricky, because I'd rather have him as a friend in my life than nothing at all, so I'm scared of ruining that...... But that's exactly why I said nothing for so long (and him too), so maybe now I just need to take a stance and be honest about my feelings

 

He may still love you...as a person...but when someone loves someone romantically and the other person doesn't return the feeling, then eventually they are going to notice that there are other people who will, that they can have an equal relationship with. If you are worried about waiting to talk to him "and then it might be too late." Well, it is already too late - so what do you have to lose? No one can say what the letter will do. In fact, once you write it, maybe you won't want him back - who knows. Personally, if it were me, I would take time to heal and move on. He might be/might have been a great friend but for whatever reason, something was missing to not have jumped things into a relationship and the overwhelming reason is that he moved on.

 

It is not tricky because if you continue to hold a torch for him and don't say anything because you want to be friends - conversations are going to feel "loaded" and you are going to act odd around him and therefore he will feel pushed away as a friend or that he can't hang out with you because he has a girlfriend.

 

If you want to really be "just friends" - take time to heal, and then invite him AND HIS GIRLFRIEND out to an event. That is what platonic friends with no romantic interest in each other do. But really - once you are substantially healed you may not find the need.

[yonanz]

vera, i will try my best to reply you.

 

i understand your feeling - you feel anxious, extremely regretful, guilty and painful for letting the love of your life go. u keep blaming yourself and tell yourself how you should have done this or that, or should not have done this or that, and the outcome would perhaps have been very different now.

 

but please - stop thinking this way. what has happened has happened, u cant change the past. stop harking back, and stop thinking of the what-ifs, stop the self-bashing. it doesnt do you any good, learn to accep what has happened as the state of reality. it is very important to do so. many people after losing their loved ones, after contracting cancer, or HIV, or losing their limbs in war, live in a state of denial. its important to get over that and understand that what has happened is the concrete reality, and there's nothing u can do to change the past, and little u can do to change the presnt as well.

 

im not going to bash u for the mistakes u have made. u have made alot of mistakkes definitely, but i see little value in pointing these out to you, simply because many other people have very helpfully done so already, and u should also already know very well hat mistakes u have made without the need for me to remind you. however, it is imperative that u learn from these mistakes, this is very important. mistakes are useful in that they prevent us from making the same ones in the future. dont be so harsh on yourself ,you are a human. all human have the benefit of hindsight, but not the benefit of foresight. could u envision such an out come at that time? of course not. u make mistakes, u accept it, and u learn from it. forgive yourself is the first most important step before u can really move on and learn from it. so forgive yourself, stop castigating yourself.

 

secondly, i want you to understand that in life we do not always get our way. it is time to know u are not a mummy's little kid who gets what she wants after crying and whining. so stop sayng "So, I NEED to win him back" you are not a kid anymore and things dont always go your way. you need to be a matured adult and tell yourself that things have happened and u must accept the state of things as it is. stop demanding, stop insisting that you must have something or someone. this is a very damaging and exhausting way to live life. understand that in life, things come and go, sometimes its within our grasp, sometimes it escapes our grasp. when its gone, and when we have no control over it, no amount of whining, shouting, demanding is going to make it come back. u have no control over this. understnd this. have the wisdom to understand that certain things are beynd your control.

 

and let me ask you a question. why do you NEED him back? does the world stop revolving, does your life end the moment u cant have him in your life? no. life goes on. happiness is a state of mind, and your happiness comes from within and you do not need anyone in your life just to fill that happiness. love is not NEEDINESS. love is respect and understanding. if he feels happier without you and with someone esle, then you got to 1) respect this 2) understand this 3) feel happy for him all the same. love is still being able to love someone even without him by your side. you dont HAVE to possess hm and you absolutely don't NEED him. neediness represents childishness and immaturity.

 

last thing i want you to understand is that nothing in life is permanent. yes. all along he loved you, and then one day when he walks out and starts to go out with another girl, u feel shattered. u wonder how can this be possible? Yes, its possible. as with everything esle in life, the ebb and flow of waves, the high and low tides, the rise and setting of the sun, the bloom and withering of the flowers, the transformation of the seasons, the birth and death of a living creature, everything has a cycle, and nothing is permanent. eventualy our parents will die, eventual you will die. he has loved you, but this does not mean he will still continue to love you the same way forever and ever. u can blame yourself, that you have not cherished him fully, that you have not gotten hold of him when u could, and now he's gone. yes, partially you are to blame, but stop bashing yourself, refer to my forgive yourself paragraph above. and on top of all, even for people in a relationship, or a marriage, love fizzles as well! even being together with him doesnt guarantee your love will be forever!

 

i know how it feels, because i lost a girl i love so deeply for 4 years. she was my everything, and like you when she was gone i was devastaed. i NEEDED her, I WANTED her back, and i felt like there were 1001 things i could have done differently. i was also devastated seeing as how she has loved me so much but my actions has killed her love for me, and wondering how can someone who has loved me for so long suddenly stopped loving me. but after manydays of reading, and self introspection, i came to alot of realisation which i have written above. we have all made mistakes that contributed to the outcome today. it is only human to err; most imptly, we must learn from them. for the next time if he ever comes back to yr life, or if theres another great guy [there will be!trust me] who comes into your life, you will do everyting you can to be honet about your feelings, and you will chersh him, and you wont be afraid of expressing your feelings. why?? because you have learnt from this lesson! that is why, mistakes although regrettable are important in helpng us do things better in the future. that is how we learn, we progress, we mature as individuals.

 

everything happens for a reason, and there is a silver lining in all, even setbacks. be contented with the things you have[family,friends, food, shelter,health, studies]. be contented u are not suffering from hiv or cancer or famine or disability.what doesnt kill you makes u stronger, and u are a very strong grl after this setback. be strong honey and alwaysfeel free come in this forum to express your grief and thoughts. we will alwaysb e here to listen to u. hugs

[veralyn]

I just bawled my eyes out reading your reply. Thank you for taking the time to write something so thorough... I really appreciate it. And I know you're right. The thing is, I KNOW what I need to do. I know in my mind that I need to forgive myself, accept it, and just learn from it. But my heart just isn't ready to do that yet... Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over him. I'm a very emotional and romantic and nurturing person to begin with (it comes with my cancerian zodiac sign...) and having someone suddenly gone cold turkey who i thought i'd AT LEAST be friends with forever has completely shattered the world as i knew it. i know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. i don't know how people get through things like this unwounded; i'm even almost failing school as a result. i've lost 10 pounds, and i'm a skinny girl to begin with. anyways, i'm babbling... but the point is, i just haven't fully accepted it as reality yet that this is even happening he was my best friend for my entire life, since i was a kid. and SO much more. another thing iv'e learned from this is to never ever give my heart to anyone else... i used to believe love could conquer everything, now i don't know what i believe.

 

so at this point, there's nothing i can do to get him back? even being honest with him? it just baffles my mind that we missed each other by a hairline... he was THERE in the summer.... but i kept it in.... after 10 years of loving one anohter, i can't believe that he wouldn't want to at least TRY to give it a second shot, even if it's not the perfect, most opportune moment he had imagined. i've tried to remain his friend this entire year. he's somewhat reciprocated... but overall we're just not the friends we used to be. whatever happened, it just doesn't feel natural anymore. i'm thinking of writing him a letter, explaining everything, letting him know i have always loved him and always will, that im sorry for taking him for granted, and that i understand why he doesnt want to talk to me anymore... it might be a little bit too heavy, and make him never want to talk to me again, because he's probably just hoping i can chill and we can eventually be friends again, but i dont think i can..... i'll always look back and regret

 

xo peace and love

[veralyn]

and yonanz, do you believe that if you really love someone, you let them go... and if they really love you too they may come back?

 

i came back...

 

maybe he will one day too...

 

i wish he would open up to it. to a brand new beginning as the older, more mature us. he always said he was sad we missed out on all the "adult stuff". it kills me that something so fundamental has changed, because i know it would be so good... even when we fight, we can't get enough, and want to make it right. (well, not now, but until seven months ago...). at the end of the summer, we had a HUGE blowup... about what i dont even know. he made me so mad i thought of just never talking to him again. but then we were sad that we fought, he texted me, i still went to his house, and he made me pancakes, and we reconciled and laughed and had a lovely night together. he hugged me goodbye the next day and said good times, i'll make sure to come visit you at school soon and then HE called ME to come visit..... and then sh*t hit the fan. anyways, i'm just rehashing the details, because to me, they seem like such an unimagineable waste. and they dont make sense.

 

my friends that know the both of us think that it's impossible we'll never speak again... they think that he's just going through a selfish, stupid phase, and that he'll come back... my best friend says "it's impossible that this will last. you two are just DRAWN to each other and always have been..."...do i have to stop believing in that just yet?

 

i don't want to. feels pretty hopeless at the moment though. he seems to really truly have changed... he doesn't seem to admire me with the same unconditional love he used to... maybe i ruined it for myself but this is not the boy i know and love and that's why i don't know how to react or handle the situation... but sometimes i believe that if you have faith in something, it's when it seems the most hopeless that you need to believe in it the MOST........ but other times i feel like having that faith is a waste of my energy, and love, because i have a lot of it in me, and want to give it.... but can't open up to anyone new. i dont want to be stuck there forever.

 

i don't even know if anyone will read this, but it helps to just write. if you do read this, advice = appreciated and i have taken every word of it so far into consideration. this forum is great. just so long as the people you're talking about don't use it.... that'd be bad.

[Speranza]

another thing iv'e learned from this is to never ever give my heart to anyone else...

Ah, spoken like a true Cancer...

 

That's a very bad thing to learn from heartache. Much better to do what yonanz said and accept that one day you will love again. It won't feel that way - but one of the amazing things in life is how ordinary we turn out to be - how like everyone else. And everyone else goes on and heals and loves again, so there's no need to suppose you won't too.

 

You are STILL asking the same questions. Should you be in touch? Should you write? Will he come back?

 

You need some peace here. The truth is that you did NOT 'miss each other by a hairline' - you have a LONG LONG history of not saying what you needed to say. And it looks as though you are about to do that again.

 

Make no mistake - if you write, he may get back to you and tell you there is no hope. He may not get back to you. But at least you will have broken this pattern of non-communication which has led to this whole sorry situation.

 

I think he has moved on and out of a sense of caring, he is not willing to be friends because it might give a glimmer of hope. He may care because you do after all have history - but he's with someone else now. Imagine if they were married - would you STILL be wondering if 'you might get back'?

 

Someone else said it - you are NOT a couple. I know it's SO SO hard - I've been there countles times (each time thinking I'd never get over them, how's that for a triumph of hope over sense?!)

 

You will get over it but you need to accept it's over. Do what you need. If it's writing a letter do it. But don't hop on one foot wondering what to do. Commit yourself to a course of action, take it, move on.

 

Hugs.

[veralyn]

It's amazing that people take the time to write to other peoples' sob stories. And all your words of advice, everyones, are so accurate. Thank you.

 

My today's rant: Love sucks. Everything about it. You give your whole self to someone else. All your trust, your heart, your laughter... Just to have it stolen and never given back. This has made me lose my childhood innocense, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I don't know how to shake the memories. I want to. But everywhere I look, there he is... It's like having an imaginary friend; I'm starting to feel a bit insane.

Last night I went to the bar with my friend... This guy was looking at me funny, and came up to me. The first thing he was was "are you ___ ____???" (my name). I was like yes.. who are you? He was like "I know ____ _____" (my ex's name). I was like "oh yea he's one of my best friends, how do you know him? and how do you know who i am?" (failed to mention EX-best friends...).... and he was like "oh i worked with him last summer, you're the love of his life everyone knows that, he talked about you all the time". I am not joking here... THIS HAPPENED. And that was LAST SUMMER. I know you are ALL right..... and I am trying with everything inside of me to accept it..... and I think I'm getting closer..... But when things like this happen and that was only less than a year ago, see how it's so hard for me to believe? Should never have slept with him again. I think that was the breaking point. Sex complicates things; I should have learned that lesson already... Pretty baffling to me how he could do it so easily too without any care of whether it would affect our friendship that we had accomplished or not.

 

Boys, I love yous, but you suck too.

 

xooxxo good day

[Speranza]

Keep ranting, it will do the trick eventually!

[yonanz]

veralyn, one of the symptoms of heartache is that u will find yourself with overflowing feelings which u need to vent. whenever u feel like it just come in here and vent we are always here to support and listen to you.

 

after saying so much to you, i hope you really uderstand the crux of the matter. the main point is not about winning him back. there's no golden rule, no perfect surefire strategy, no magic wand or switch that could bring him backk into your life. ur still asking for methods and ways to win him back. let me be brutally honest, there are none! its all about YOU AND YOU now, not him. its about you shifting the focus back to your life. understand that the reality is tings are no longer the same as before, he is not keen to contact you as frequently as before and ur no longer on his priority list. so the only viable and reasonable option is to focus back on yoursef. your health, your studies, your frens and family. please - dont let one negative event spillover to other parts of your life. that will be a tragedy indeed. if anything, u got to cut your losses and stem these "Epidemic" from infecting other parts of your life. however painful it is, life indeed goes on. life is not going to stop and say " hey, i'll wait for you. you tell me when ya feeling no more pain, and i'll start moving again". no, time and tide waits for no one, and if u want to have regrets after regrets, the surefire way is to continue the way you are now. you got to get a grip on yourself, force yurself to swallow the pain and force yourself to focus on other importan things in life - your studies, your friends heatlth, activities etc.

 

please dont develop a cynical view of love after this. i wouldnt say one shld not give his/her heart to someone esle. this is a immature way of viewing things. u must also acknowloedge that part of why things are today is due to your lack of expression of your feelings. i dont need to elaborate on this but you know that part fo the responsibility lies on you, so developing a cynicism like this is not the correct thing moving forward. you learn from yur mistakes and this means being open with your feelings and seizing the man when everything feels right and not letting things drag. if a man is showing so much interest in you and you feel interested in him too then u gotta make the move and let him in. this is a lesson learnt, albeit a very painful one.

 

maybe one thing u shld keep in mind too is to lead a balanced life. love is important, but as are friendship,s studies, career, sports, health, family etc etc your life is more than just one person or one love. life is holistic. rmb this. leading a balanced life is healthy and can mitigate the impact of a lost love.

 

stay strong girl. as for the letter, i personally don find a need to do so. however ,if u reall do feel a burning need to, i suggest writing a lettter that is well wrtten, clean, succint and that maintains a level of self-control. dont go into all the emotional outburst and write how much you love him, how badly you need him, how sorry you are, how regretful, and please come b into my life, i prmise i will treat u well, pls i beg u...all these are big NO-NO. what u want to display is a letter that is hearfelt sincere yet not excessive or hyperbolic. u want aletter that doesnt pressure or scare him, but instead let him see your feelings clearly. u want hm to see you as a confidnet mature lady instead of needy, clingy half-insane girl which is a guaranteed turn off. most imptly, u want to maintain your space and u need to emphasize this. maintaining your space is impt since 1] you need this to focus on yourself 2] clear boundaries can signla to himself clearly that you are out of his life, and you dont need him. he will definitely be surprised because now he has to face the reality, in cold hard black and white, that he might not see u for now.

 

why not u draft a letter and we can offer some advice? definitely get more wellrounded advice as i believe my perspective is not complete enough

[yonanz]

see the bold parts.

 

i dont really think this is relevant. your thoughts are still very unilaterally and single mindedly predicated upon one thing - things were still good till recently. iwant the past back. i want him into my life again. understand that these are things of the past and he is NO LONGER in your life.

 

about the selfish stupid phase, that's sth very immature of your friend to say. dont try to play prophet and try to predict or explain sth which one have totally no idea about. it might or might not be a phase, he might or might not come back, but the idea is the focus should NEVER be on these anymore, not matter how tempting this is. live in the present, not the past[where u had good memories togehter], nor the future[ will he come back??]. live in the present [he's no longer in my life, so focus bac to my life again]. this is what you should do. i cant promise or guarantee you. some people made up after seperatng, some people just leave for good, in life there are no certainty, and to tell you that there might be chance he will come bac is just being irresponsible because i am not God and i cant tell u sth which we can never predict and its also just giving you elevated false hope which u will just hopelessly cling onto which is wrong. it will miss the main point and that is to focus on your life right now and whatever is in your control [ your health, your family, frens, studies] do it well and give them your best efforts. whatever is not in your control [his feelings, whether he comes bac] have the peace and wisdom to let things be.

 

stay strong girl, the happy days are just around the corner.

[abitbroken]

and yonanz, do you believe that if you really love someone, you let them go... and if they really love you too they may come back?

 

The phrase is

 

If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

 

You have never really set him free. You are hanging on with both hands. And if he doesn't come back it does not mean he never loves you, or doesn't love you as a friend. He is just not yours.

 

i wish he would open up to it. to a brand new beginning as the older, more mature us....

 

i don't want to. feels pretty hopeless at the moment though. he seems to really truly have changed... he doesn't seem to admire me with the same unconditional love he used to... maybe i ruined it for myself but this is not the boy i know and love and that's why i don't know how to react or handle the situation... .

 

No, he is not the boy you know and love. He has grown up into a young man. He has changed, and so have you whether you realize it or not. While you were apart at school - his whole perspective on life could have changed too. I wish I could make things better, but sometimes in life we don't get a second chance with things. Please, while pining over him, don't forget to keep your eyes open to not miss out on other opportunities in life.

[abitbroken]

I agree with the last statement - you will get better. You could potentially transform into a young woman who stops and smells the roses and takes nothing or no one for granted in life going forward.

 

Also, I want you to really honestly and brutally honestly look at things. It is easy right now to say that things were great until just recently. You may be remembering the ideal things and not remembering the not so ideal things. When things go "wrong" it is almost never "all the sudden". sometimes its not that things go wrong - young people sometimes outgrow eachother

[veralyn]

I have so many thoughts and excuses and questions racing around in my head and my heart... I could probably write a novel.

 

But at the moment, the simple truth is: I'm just not ready to let go yet...

 

I'm not going to try to change his mind, or even talk to him. I have truly accepted that he is with this other girl, probably not thinking about me, and doesn't love me anymore. I really, really have. But I can't force myself to stop loving him; the amount is just too big. Unfortunately, especially because I am such a sensitive person, it's going to be a long process until I can truly stop and smell the roses and take them in the way I used to... But I'm just not ready to let go yet. He's been my love for too long, and there's nothing I can do about that feeling. I hope eventually something inside of me will snap, or he will do something to get me to my breaking point, or I will meet a new love that takes all these thoughts away. But I can't shake it just yet, I just can't.

 

Sometimes I wonder... Why is it that since I was with him, I haven't met anyone else? Not really. I've dated a couple people, but nothing ever just clicked the way it did with him. I've been interested in people that have not seen me in that way, and vice versa. It's been four years... Why haven't I met anyone else I can connect with the same way? Is it because I just haven't gotten over the first? I think so... I think I'm having such trouble letting go because I know i didn't tell him how much i love him... i think i need to do so in order to close that door, for peace of mind, too late or not... But, Or is there something I am doing wrong in this dating game? I think my expectations are too high after having set such high standards from such a lucky childhood. Every person I meet, i just think "not as good as ___". And I thought I was going to marry this person, so I'm a little intimdated to start ALL over again from chicken scratch... I miss the guarantee of a happy life that I had before. It's scary being all on your own, and comparing everyone to someone that you don't even have anymore. And that's not a good way to look at things... But it's the truth. No one i've met has even began to compare to the joy I feel when I'm with ____. And no one I've met since has seen me and truly known me and loved me like he did... Everyone else seems so fake, and boring, and only want to have fun for a few dates and then screw off. But none of them have given me butterflies... That may be my own doing though...

 

Sorry my posts are so sporadic. I write as I think. Sometimes reading back, it doesn't make sense.

 

I am going to write him a letter. I can't today; I have three overdue papers that I need to write instead so I don't fail out of school in the last two weeks before graduation. But I am giong to write it, and post it and hear what you have to say...

 

Thanks guys.

[veralyn]

I have to admit though: as completely shattered as I am about all this, I do see a hope. In a twisted way, it has made me stronger. Not permanently yet, I still cry every day. (Is this honestly normal? Am I being completely overdramatic?) But the tolerance I have for being hurt has strengthened. I have started to realize that I CAN be amazing all on my own; it has given me a newfound sense of independence. I used to walk around with my head held high because I knew there was someone that loved me. having him gone made me feel worthless, like if he doesn't love me no one ever will, what am i worth. But after all this time, I think this is finally forcing me to gain the confidence and independence that was the reason we broke up in the first place... I feel like I'm finally growing up. I guess that needs to happen to everyone. I hate that though. I wish I could stay young and carefree forever. But a realization that I've always known but that now actually has some context is that I am FAR too sensitive. and attached to the notion of needing love. i'm a hopeless romantic. and i think far too much. the only reason we didnt work out was because i was so focused on my own issues that i lost sight of how much i loved him. no wonder he was confused, i was confused myself. but now that I see this I need to learn to be stronger, toughen up, so I don't end up a sad, confused woman.

 

Maybe it's not JUST him i'm having so much toruble letting go of... Maybe it's childhood in general..... The fact that now I have to face everything all on my own. And right as I'm graduating and have no idea where to go from here. But I'm almost 22... .time to grow up eh?

 

It's ironic, really. I leave him to be able to stand on my own two feet. And it takes him leaving me for me to be able to do that.

 

Love is weird.

[Speranza]

That's not so strange. You can't stand strong alone if you aren't alone...

 

You haven't met anyone because you choose not to let go. It's like old-fashioned weighing scales tipping up and down... if you let go, you wll gradually be a little more interested in guys until one day one WILL be more interesting than the rest.

 

If you say 'I can't stop loving him' then you are choosing to stay in this horrible place. Perhaps you could at least say, "I choose to begin to recover from this" After all, WHO are you loving? A guy who appears not to exist any more except in your memory.

 

This IS growing up, and it's hard. But you end up in a much better place, trust me!

[yonanz]

yes u got that point. heartbreags are bound to happen,and one has to be strong to shoulder the pain. its not easy but it helps us grown and mature as an individual. its a necessary evil, this heartbreag thing.

 

its good u realised that its not healthy to have a person or a love occupy so much of your life. having someone being the buttress and the pillar of your life could create a comfort zone which gives you an elevated, even false sense of security and confidence. but once that person leaves your life everything esle just gives way. not good. we muts learn to be happy independently without needing someone esle to be our medium of happiness. we can stand tall on our own feet instead of on someone else's shoulders. we dont need anyone in our life to survive; no one is indispensable.

 

looging bac, u might even thnx him for this. because he has made u stronger and he has made u learn to be independent and self-sufficient.

[veralyn]

I do realize all this. I'm just having a very hard time letting go. I still picture my future, and he's in it. I still live my general every day moments wishing he was there to share it with me. But I'm getting there... I realize what is coming and that it is necessary, and that I need to be stronger to get through it.

 

I talked to a close friend about it today who has known us both forever; we all grew up together. she pointed out that his personality is one that does not deal with conflict very well; he would rather just ignore it. and she's right. and she pointed out that it took him a very long time to get over it, and that maybe all we both need to settle this dance is for me to just put all the cards on the table; i think she's right. even this year, we make plans, he blows them off. he calls me, then disappears. i'm not going to do this back and forthness anymore; i want to either be with him, or move on with my life.

 

And to settle that I think what I need to do is talk to him face to face. I know it would probably be best if I just kept my mouth shut and moved on. But I honestly don't think I can without telling him I love him to his face, and hearing him say it's over. Because there will forever be something missing inside of me if I don't. I've loved him for too long to not tell him that just once. i'll let him know i understand why and how it is too late, and that i'm not trying to convince him, but just that now i'm not over it, and i needed to be honest with him because i wasnt before and just sdont want to make the same mistake again.. He tried to prove himself to me over and over, though it's too late, the least I can do is show him that I'm willing to do the same. I'd rather he take that with him, and it will settle that unsettled thing insidse of me... i think... and then i can just say ok, i think i need to stop talking to you all together (because we're technically still "friends") while i get over this... and maybe we can reconcile as friends down the road. but right now, i dont want to just be your friend and i need to move on so i thin it's better if we part ways for good... maybe i'm being too much of a girl.. but i'd really rather he at least know exactly how i feel, before im able to move on....

 

opinion?

 

sidenote: other things in life sometimes put stuff into perspective. i just spent the weekend visiting my dad in the hospital who has cancer. it really made me re-think my priorities....... it's both * * * * ty and amazing how as you keep living your eyes keep opening wider and wider