i HAVE to win him back... help.

[veralyn]

OK, so let me tell you the story first. I really hope some of you read it, because it's a long one and I reallllllly need help Where to begin...

 

He's my love. I'm his love. But it got all up.

 

I'm 21 years old now. But me and him have liked each other since we were 11. I remember even wondering to myself why I did, because he was such a nerdy kid, but something inside me just loved him so, so much, even then. He changed schools for a while, I never thought I'd see him again, even then. But then he came back... He "asked me out" when we were 13, you know how that goes at such a young age But it was like magic, we were just meant to be best friends forever. Since that day, we were inseperable for 5 solid, happy years. Every day. We were supposed to get married... But then when we were 18, I broke up with him... Not for a second because I stopped loving him; I always thought we were meant to be together. But I was moving away to school. And at such a young age, it's hard to not be at least a little curious about what else is out there in the world... So we took a break. I left, and he was heartbroken, depressed, just torn apart. BUT we remained really, REALLY good friends for 3 years. Still spoke every day, and he'd come to visit me all the time. But that's when it got all complicated...

 

The whole time, he wanted me back so bad. And I kept shutting it down. BUT he had another girlfriend... He didn't even like her, she was just there to fill that hole. I was still his love. And the truth is, I missed him SO much the whole time too, and was just waiting for him to grow some balls and break up with her and fight for me back. Only now do i realize that I should have been the one to do the fighting. So basically, him and I continued to love one another, but I kept shutting it down... And neither one of us were really honest about our feelings. We just forced ourselves to stay in the "friend zone".

 

Last summer, we were both finally single again at the same time. But we were so far into the "friend zone" that it got even further messed up. We hung out all the time... But I had my eye on someone else, and so did he. But there was still something between us that we just never talked about... He was still trying, and I was still blind. He invited me over all the time, even asked me if I thought we'd be able to date again. I said "yes", because I secretly wanted to... But that was it. Until we slept together for the first time since we broke up 3.5 years ago. And it was like at the exact same time: I wanted him back in my life for good (but STILL didn't say so, in fear of ruining our friendship), and he began to distance himself and just stopped talking to me.

 

He suddenly jumped into another relationship right around the time I thought we were finally rekindling our destined love... And maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think he is truly in love with her. He's been ignoriong me ALL year, which is hard for me to understand because he's been my best friend for 10 years. Except for one day when he randomly called me, apologized for being such a jerk, and said it's because his girlfriend has serious jealousy issues and doesn't want us to be friends.

 

A few months ago, when he told me he was dating her... I lost it, because I was just about to finally tell him how I am still in love with him. And 3 years of suppressed emotion came out. We were both crying, it was awful. He said "i'll always love you, im just not in love with you the same way i was before. maybe one day... but we'll always be friends." and he kept saying "i wish you had said something sooner...".

 

So, I NEED to win him back. He was so in love with me for so long and I was such a and didn't realize that I might lose him in the wait. I truly believe that him and I are meant to be together, no matter what happens in between. And I'm miserable. I don't know how to adore anyone but him... And I don't know how to get over him so long as all these questions are left unanswered... It feels like such a waste that we are not together. We jsut kept getting timing all messed up.

 

I think that HE perceives the situation as he was always there, always trying to win me back... And I wouldn't have it, and he got fed up. Which is partially true. But what he DOESN'T see is all the hints I gave him that I still love him so much, and it wouldn't take much if you'd just fight a little...... We kinda stopped communicating properly when we broke up lol

 

I don't know if he's ignoring me because he truly is over it... Or if he was just so hurt that last summer something in him snapped and he said " it, i need to get over this broad...".... And I don't know if I should just keep quiet and let him be, and hope he comes back and calls me one day... Or if I should make a grand gesture and prove to him that I would do anything for him... He's my best friend, how are you supposed to go on without your best friend

 

Please help. Is he genuinely over it, or still thinking of me and just doesn't know how to deal with the conflict of his girlfriendzilla??? Advice especially appreciate from males who have been hardened by love.

 

xoVera.

[rosephase]

Look, you ignored the guy and strung him along for years. And then the moment he into someone else, then you come out and tell him you love him and miss him. It sounds like you just miss the attention. That you got used the idea of this man always being in your life and always wanting you and he got over you. It happens.

 

I think if you really have love in your heart for him you will leave him alone and let him have a real chance with someone who cares about him and can give back some of the love he is giving out. If the relationship doesn't work out I would give it another shot if you are still missing him and he is interested. But he might be really honestly over you. And at this point I don't think you are going to win him back by doing something crazy that might jeopardize a relationship he is happy in. He has told you what he wants. If you push this your just not listening to him.

 

Give him space, work on your communication skills and see what happens.

[abitbroken]

I agree. It seems like you want him more because he isn't available to you. When he was, you didn't make a move. I can see why you broke up when you moved away to school - might not have been fair to try to keep something up when you moved away but when you returned after the school year, you had your chance. You knew what it was like meeting other people so you got what you needed.

 

I don't really blame the girlfriend for not wanting him around you - after all, you slept together, you dated. And honestly, your presence could hurt their relationship by you being a distraction to him.

 

I think he was very honest with you. He may have really been in love with you, but after a certain amount of time when someone doesn't return that feeling, its unrequited love. it really stinks to be in that situation, honestly. I have been there. It probably took him a long time to not be in love with you - but the alternative was to be in love with someone who didn't want him in the same way or at least wouldn't admit it and wouldn't act on it, or there was having the chance to find someone who would be there with him and not be a guessing game.

 

There is really nothing you can do to win him back at least at this time, I am sorry to say. You expressed your feelings and he wished that you had said something earlier but you didn't. Sometimes its all about timing.

[Speranza]

I agree. Sadly, I agree. You say you would do anything for him - well, now you get to do that. You leave him to live his life and love other people.

 

Your account makes no sense in any case, there were plenty of times when if you had TRULY wanted this to happen, it would have happened. Either it simply was NOT meant to be, or you were milking the situation for drama and, unfortunately, you have succeeded.

 

It's not going to happen. Very few of us get away without at least one of these scenarios, and I am really sorry for you, I KNOW how this hurts.

 

I also know you will recover one day. But grand gestures?? What, exactly? What do you think you could do which would persaude him that even though he has decided he is over you, you know what's in his heart better than he does? It would make you look ridiculous.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but pretending you have a chance here would be cruel. You need to begin to move on.

[veralyn]

I'm afraid I already realize that you're both right... It ultimately IS my fault. But it's not that simple. The first summer back after university, I wanted to tell him I made a mistake and wanted him back, but that's right when he started dating his first girlfriend (who he didn't even like, who he would always call ME to complain about), so I kept my mouth shut because I thought I should let him ride it out and give him space. And now the exact same thing is happening... ecxept this time, he's gone.

 

Can I ask your advice on these two questions, because you two seem to know what you're saying...

 

1. Why were we still best friends last summer, and then all of a sudden he just stopped caring? Right when we were finally starting to rekindle? He asked me in the summer if i thought we'd be able to date again, and i said "yes"... so why didn't he ask me out again?!

 

2. Do we ever have a chance again? Is there still any love for me in him?

 

He's my love... Always has been. This time apart is what made me truly appreciate that. At such a young age, I don't think anythign else could have... So I have to try to not regret... But I can't help but want to rip my hair out for not being smarter 3 years ago; I don't think i will ever fully get over him.

[veralyn]

Why did he choose her over me, when I was RIGHT THERE the whole time? I KNOW he still loved me until this past summer... I honestly could not tell you what happened inside of him. It makes me sad every day.

[veralyn]

And, if you ask me, it's not quite fair of him to remain best friends with me for three years and then just drop off the face of the earth... I may have hurt him, but he means the world to me too... And I think what he's doing now hurts even more than anything I ever did to him. I would NEVER have just ditched him, no matter what. He went through some tough times, and I was always right there for him.

 

Would it help if I sent him a letter explaning everything... and genuinely apologizing for being selfish? I want to talk to him in person... He says we'll always be friends, but then he keeps cancelling plans we make. He sent me a song he wrote last week and asked me to help him finish it... I did, and sent it back to him... And he hasn't replied. This is such unusual behaviour; we're supposed to be AT LEAST friends forever....

 

I always thought we'd have a story like in the Notebook. Rekindle once we're all grown up and look at each other after being separated for a while...

 

Do you think that's still possible, if I give him the space he needs now to ride out this current relationship? Or will he never look at me the same way... That's very, very hard for me to believe

 

SOS ADVICE PLEEEEEEEASEEE

[veralyn]

I know I'm posting a million replies... It's because I have so many questions unanswered....

 

You say that it seems I only want him because he is unavailable to me. BUt that's not true. This past summer was the first time we were both single. I began to want him back, and thought that was going to happen, and was blissfully excited. He made plans to come visit me one weekend, and I was gong to talk to him then. But when I called him to confirm these plans, that's when he told me about his new girlfriend and I was sdevastated and we had that awful, emotional conversation........... It seems like we always miss each other by a hairline.

[abitbroken]

I think you answered you own questions:

 

I wanted him back in my life for good (but STILL didn't say so, in fear of ruining our friendship), and he began to distance himself and just stopped talking to me.

 

As far as the whole "notebook" thing - that's a movie. Life doesn't always have a Hollywood ending.

 

Also:

 

And, if you ask me, it's not quite fair of him to remain best friends with me for three years and then just drop off the face of the earth

 

The answer to that is that he felt he might have had to get you out of his life to heal. The whole no contact thing. If he was hurt because you didn't return his feelings, why torture himself by seeing you now?

 

Also - why were you best friends last summer? Maybe because of familiarity. But maybe before he met his girlfriend he still hoped there was something.

 

Is there a chance? well, anything in life is possible. However, consider that if you two did not have enough good communication to have laid everything out on the table until it was too late - then was the relationship as ideal and perfect and meant to be as you made it out to be? Did you outgrow eachother? What was making you hesitate as far as jumping in with both feet?

 

To me, it just seemed you had so many chances and not just last summer. Please take this as a learning experience to always say what you mean to others and to not wait until someone is gone to tell them what they mean to you.

[abitbroken]

I know I'm posting a million replies... It's because I have so many questions unanswered....

 

You say that it seems I only want him because he is unavailable to me. BUt that's not true. This past summer was the first time we were both single. I began to want him back, and thought that was going to happen, and was blissfully excited. He made plans to come visit me one weekend, and I was gong to talk to him then. But when I called him to confirm these plans, that's when he told me about his new girlfriend and I was sdevastated and we had that awful, emotional conversation........... It seems like we always miss each other by a hairline.

 

You "began" to want him back. Interesting word choice. there is a lot of "about tos" and "going tos" in the way that you are speaking about all of this. It seems like you took him for granted that he was going to be there waiting for you this summer as always, like a loyal puppy. You miss eachother by a hairline because you don't speak up. You just trust things will sort themselves out, and we can't always rest on that. sometimes, those who act are rewarded. You are acting only now that there is no possibility - that he is not sitting and waiting for you.

[abitbroken]

Why did he choose her over me, when I was RIGHT THERE the whole time? I KNOW he still loved me until this past summer... I honestly could not tell you what happened inside of him. It makes me sad every day.

 

But you never were able to tell him how you really feel. Knowing that he loves you is not enough if he doesn't know that you love him 'in that way." What happened inside of him? he had the need to be with someone who wanted him and wasn't playing games. Proximity only gets you so far. Its like not tending a garden. You can have a guy right there, but if you don't return his affection, validate him, etc., things aren't going to grow, or in the way you want it too.

[veralyn]

Why would he force no contact to GET OVER ME when im right there and want to be with him?

 

I don't think we outgrew each other; when we're together everything just feels right. Even when we fight, we can't stay away from each other, we just want to make it right. Well...... until now. I don't even know this side of him. If he would open up to the idea of him and I, and move on from the past, and be willing to start fresh, I think it would be the most magical relationship in the world. But... I don't know if he ever will.

 

And the only thing making me hesitate from jumping in with both feet was myself. I didn't feel I had grounded myself enough yet, which is exactly why we broke up in the first place. I want to jump in with my entire body and heart now.........

 

We've spoken sporadically this year. He seems to say he wants to be at least friends. But then acts otherwise... I don't know if it's him, or his girlfriendzilla. No idea. BUT the one time he did all me, he said to me "it's really annoying that she's so jealous... I'm going to tell her tonight that you and I are going to hang out and be friends otherwise I'm breaking up with her". To me, if you really love someone, you dont go saying stuff like that behind their back....... But then, he went MIA all over again.

 

 

Maybe if I give him space... He'll realize he misses me too and it'll work out finally...

[veralyn]

I know I know i know i know I could strangle myself. But just because I didn't kiss him and hold his hand doesn't mean I didn't show him affection. Every time something exciting in my life happened, I'd call HIM to tell him about it... There hasn't been a christmas or a birthday without a sentimental gift from me... He was my best friend. GOD I MISS HIM; if i ever get the chance to have him back in my life i will never let go

 

i didnt say anything... but he didnt really fight either... if he had simply asked me out again, i would have said yes.

[abitbroken]

He is not going to "open up" this side of him because he has a girlfriend. She is the one he is confiding in now, and sharing many emotions with. Perhaps he said that he was tired of the jealousy to placate you in some way, or perhaps they had worked it out amongst themselves. He doesn't "owe" it to you to be close. Just like when two female friends are together and one gets a boyfriend - that other friend is not #1 in the other's life anymore.

[veralyn]

Thank you for your advice...

 

I think you get the gist of the picture...

 

My friends who know the two of us think that it's over for now but say there's no way we won't reunite at least as friends at some point. But I don't know.

 

From your third point of view just hearing all this.... I just want to get your final stance on if you think he might open up to it again? Is there still a chance? and if there is, is the best way to get there for me to cut off contact and leave him alone right now? Or to continue to try to show him how much I care.....

[veralyn]

Thank you for your advice...

 

I think you get the gist of the picture...

 

My friends who know the two of us think that it's over for now but say there's no way we won't reunite at least as friends at some point. But I don't know.

 

From your third point of view just hearing all this.... I just want to get your final stance on if you think he might open up to it again? Is there still a chance? and if there is, is the best way to get there for me to cut off contact and leave him alone right now? Or to continue to try to show him how much I care.....

[abitbroken]

I know I know i know i know I could strangle myself. But just because I didn't kiss him and hold his hand doesn't mean I didn't show him affection. Every time something exciting in my life happened, I'd call HIM to tell him about it... There hasn't been a christmas or a birthday without a sentimental gift from me... He was my best friend. GOD I MISS HIM; if i ever get the chance to have him back in my life i will never let go

 

i didnt say anything... but he didnt really fight either... if he had simply asked me out again, i would have said yes.

 

Calling someone up when you have good news is including someone but isn't "affection" and some people need affection. A lot of folks. Kissing, etc, might not required to show affection - but kissing and holding hands is something boyfriends and girlfriends do. Its like "liking someone" and liking someon in 'that way". you don't need to do that to show you love someone, but it sure is nice and it makes someone feel desired and that the other person is proud to be seen with them/be with them.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for your advice...

 

I think you get the gist of the picture...

 

My friends who know the two of us think that it's over for now but say there's no way we won't reunite at least as friends at some point. But I don't know.

 

From your third point of view just hearing all this.... I just want to get your final stance on if you think he might open up to it again? Is there still a chance? and if there is, is the best way to get there for me to cut off contact and leave him alone right now? Or to continue to try to show him how much I care.....

 

It is not healthy for you to speculate about this - whether he will want you again or not. Because you will live your life dependent on it and miss out on lots of joy, people and opportunities in life. (besides, you missed out on him when you were so busy thinking that you will be together in the end with no question) I say take time to heal as if it would never happen again. Whatever you need to do - no contact, counseling, developing new hobbies, forgiving yourself.

 

I think right now that if you constantly pursue him you are only setting yourself up for disappointment, and may come off as needy, but that's just me. If he is not available, nothing is going to change. And if he becomes available - he may be interested in you or he may totally not be - having grown tired of the games. Just focus on not letting anyone in your life having to wait for years to find out how you really feel.

 

Find out what other folks have to say, though.

[veralyn]

Do you think I should write him a letter owning up to all my mistakes, just so he knows that I'm aware of them, and sorry... It might go in one ear and out the other, but sometimes an apology goes a long way... But it may also push him further away from ever wanting to be my friend if he knows I'm still pining over him

 

I don't know what to do

 

I'd love to hear what others have to say... I just registered on here, is there some way to bump it up to the top?

[veralyn]

And honestly, maybe I am missing out on other joys... But I don't know how to get over him. I look at other guys, and all I see is him. I don't want anyone else, and probably never 100% will.

[veralyn]

I tried to tell him I love and miss him before I even knew he was with this new girl. But he started cancelling all our plans, so I never got the chance. Until he was supposed to come visit me one weekend, and I was going to talk to him then, but when I called to confirm the plans... Everything came out.

 

Do you think there really is a chance in the future of him opening up to it again? I don't want to lose his friendship... But at the same time, I don't want to just be his friend. I wish I could write him a letter just told him everything in my heart...... Though I know it won't do any good at this point.

 

I will never forgive myself for letting him go.... He's the love of my llife. I've cried every day for the past eight months.

[DN]

Do you think I should write him a letter owning up to all my mistakes, just so he knows that I'm aware of them, and sorry... It might go in one ear and out the other, but sometimes an apology goes a long way... But it may also push him further away from ever wanting to be my friend if he knows I'm still pining over him

 

I don't know what to do

 

I'd love to hear what others have to say... I just registered on here, is there some way to bump it up to the top?

Yes, write him the letter. He should know how you feel so he can make an informed decision.

[veralyn]

Yes, write him the letter. He should know how you feel so he can make an informed decision.

 

Even though it may weird him out and make him even less likely to want to be my friend again? I want so bad to tell him everything... But I don't think he'll even hear it anymore, y'know what i mean... I just... Wish I could have been honest with him soon. And him with me.

[DN]

The advantage with a hand-written letter is that people get a chance to read it and re-read it.

 

He is not really in the possession of all the facts right now and you need to tell him why you acted as you did in the past what has changed and what you can offer him now and in the future.

[veralyn]

I could be very wrong.. I could be truly over it.. But I feel like he sort of just doesn't want to deal with the conflict right now. When he called me one day, he said "how do I always end up in this situation? I dont even want such a serious girlfriend right now.." and i thin if he really loved and wanted to be with her, he'd never say that to anyone....... he stayed with his ex (the one after me that he didnt even like) for two years just because he felt guilty breaking up with her...... see, he's not the only one that waited..... i waited on the sidelines for two years while he dealt with that drama...... and i'm STILL here..... i know i wronged him pretty bad, but it's a two-way street and he could've done better too. i just wish i knew how to make it RIGHT now...... is anyone reading? any advice.. takers? lol