48 hours into the break from abusive man

[Mun]

All I wanted was his approval and validation, and now I know that it has to come from me and not someone else. He's the loser not me...

 

I think you are headed in the right direction. Keep being strong. It is very hard to get away from an abuser because it is addicting in a way. When they are hurting you, you feel you did something wrong or brought this on in some way. Then when they make up it's such a high, and such a difference in their behavior ( a totally different person). They do break you down so that you want to have their approval. It's crazy. It's a mental game.

 

It's ok if your house is dirty. You're deppressed, that's not an excuse, it's understandable Who wants to think about cleaning at a time like this? Keep yourself together. You will get through this. The most important thing right now is that you stay away from him. Take care of your baby, he needs you.

 

Nothing that man can say will make this any better. Even if he says he is sorry he may not mean it. You will do better to just let him be and stay as far as you can away from him.

 

And you are not old. It's never too late to be happy and start your life over again. You have so much going for you. You said you were independent and like having nice things. I think you will do fine just don't let yourself down 8)

[losergirl]

It's easier for me to stay away from him right now, because he is not callling me. I keep waiting, but he just doesn't call. I won't call him because I am the one who broke it off, so I can't. Just my days are sad and I cannot help my crying, in the car, at work, etc... I'm just falling apart.

 

My friend said he never loved me.... Is that true? Because he hit me, or spit on me... She said he does'nt love himself so he could not have loved me. What do you think about that.

 

It makes me sad to think he does'nt love me and never did.

 

Why did I give him so much of me? So much that there nothing left now. He only has anger for me and hate... I thought love was sacred. I thought that it would be there forever. I never thought it could just go away at a moments notice. I love you you but sorry I hit you, sorry I cheated on you, I will be a different man, I'll show you, I love you but I don't remember sptiing onyou, I love you, I don't really think you are a CU*T, I was just angry with you, I was drunk, bla bla bla.

 

I'm so confused now. I can't believe how much I believed.. lOOK AT ME NOW. Look where it got me. They get you to feel sorry for them, that's how they draw you in. Then they turn around and attack you like you are the enemy. It's insanity.

 

I gave away so much of myself, and now it's hard to find my way back. I don't know where to start. I have no desire to go out with friends. I don't want to date anyone. What do I do. How am I going to get through this???

[grinand bearit]

losergirl--

Your story sounds very much like mine. I,too, was involved with an abusive man for over 5 years. I loved him like my next breath and it nearly killed me when we were apart. He cursed at me, called me names, told me I was stupid, kicked me out of the house, left me places when he was angry--even by the side of the road at nigh, miles from home. He pushed, shoved, grabbed me, took me by the throat and squeezed, threw me down, etc. Like you I refused to see that this is what battering is all about! No one has to be beaten bloody. My ex also witnessed abuse growing up and had abused his ex (and she him as well) and his children. but no one was beaten the way you describe it. It is still abuse and believe me, all research in that area will tell you that it will get worse!! THe only one who can change him is himself.

But, I think you know all this, and these are the easy answers. THere is no answer (No short one anyway) to why you still feel love for him, why you miss him, why you would want him back. I know what you are going through and I don't want to sound so simple and say that in time you will feel better. Maybe you will, I hope so, maybbe it will take a long time. We have a lot to sort out. I would strongly advise you to get into therapy with someone who understands abusive relationships--who works with them. Also, Read as much as you can--there is a lot of info on the net about it. The more you know, the better you will be able to make sense of it. The truth is that in our relationships we were almost brainwashed--we lived in their worlds by their rules and thry were the center of all our life. Now we have to work hard to brainwash ourselved against that influence, and the best way is by learning all we can.

I have written too much already. My heart is with you. You CAN do this most impossible seeming thing. I know.

G&B

[losergirl]

Dear Grin:

 

Thanks for the heartfelt message.... I fell off the wagon big time, and called him yesterday. We spent the day and night together and it was really great. Each time I go back I think it will bedifferent. But you are right, I need therapy, and I think I am going to try and get it through my health care.

 

Two weeks was so hard for me, Yesterday, I had nothing left. I had no one with me, and I was so weak and sad. I called... I'm glad I did because I was so upset I thought I would go insane. I lasted two weeks...

 

He called me either in two weeks, he is not a stalker...

 

However, he told me he cannot change who he is but he can change his behaviour. We have been in counseling (couples) together since April. It has helped somewhat but it is a hard and painfull process for both of us. I know he does not mean his angry ways, but I also cannot accept them. I'm not sure where to go from here, part of me wants to ride it out until the next episode and decide then, and part of me, wants to truly work it out with him. I know it sounds crazy but in all of this, he has tried and he made progress. He did hit me yes, but he hasn't in two years. He does use abusive language yes, but it is less than before. He attends counseling religiously. I just have a limit. I can only take so much, then I walk away for a few weeks, and start over again. He tries and gets better with time, but I just get discouranged and feel like he won't ever be right for me. I need to stop this pattern either way.

 

Obviosly by seeing him yesterday, I am calm now. I feel stonger and funcional now.

 

I want to keep posting in order to document my situation because I need to have this point of refernce and the support of this forum.

 

It is also hard because I have told my family and friends the bad things so when they see us back together, it creates more problems because of what I said.

 

I have always moved on from man to man in my life. If someone gets on my nerves or hurts me, I usually just move on to the next person and never try to really work it out. thereforeeee, I never have lasting relationships. With him, I have tried to be different and work it out without giving up at the first sign of adversity. But in that, there is a fine line in co dependency and love.

 

I know this much. I back in it. We can resume counseling and try again, or try to let it go. Right now I want to stay...

 

He pretty much did the same thing I did while we were apart. He said he did not want to call me because after the first few attempts, he did not want to seem like a stalker and wanted me to have the time I needed. He said he would wait one month before contacting me.

 

He said he loves me and thinks we are meant for each other. He just doesn't want me to walk away for a few weeks everytime I get mad at him. I told him, that that's all I can do when he disrespects me.

 

He would like to come and talk to my child and apologize for his actions. He said he has had bad role models and is afraid to be a parent himself for fear he would abandon his child as his father him.

 

He wishes my son were his and they he wants to do the family thing with me. He doesn't want to marry or live together until we are stable. He said he is and has always been very comiitted to me. He feels bad that he cheated on me and swears it was only a kiss. I don't know what I believe in that area, although our sex life has never been bad. He feels we both carry to much history and hang to the things in the past that has hurt us and it keeps us from moving on.

 

I understand that.. it's tough though.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here but I feel better since I saw him.

[Mun]

I hope for your sake that you are right. That he is getting better.

 

I have put what happened to me so far deep in my mind that I never look at it. If it helps at least one person survive and get out of the abuse cycle then it's worth bringing it out of hiding.

 

My ex husband was abusive. He punched me in the mouth once, hit me with my own hands and kicked me out of bed when I was pregnant. He threw me around the room, yelled at me, drove on the freeway at 90 miles an hour once in a mad rage and finally stopped when he had to use the bathroom. I don't remember this, but my family says he threw plates of hot food at me when he didn't like what I served for dinner. The last thing he did was to try and stangle me. I knew I had to leave.

 

His parents were not abusive. All through this I saw him as a very angry little boy. I felt sorry for him, but guess what? He didn't feel sorry for me.

 

He left me twice and came back each time crying and swearing that he was going to change. It would last a few months, then he was back to his old behavior.

 

My motivation to leave was finally not my own safety but my children's. I couldn't let this happen to them and I certainly didn't want them to grow up to be abusers.

 

I left one day, while he was at work. I took my children and a little bit of clothes. I left everything else I had. I never looked back.

[losergirl]

Wow, you are lucky and strong to say the least.

 

I can say my situation is not at all as bad, but abuse is abuse. And so is denial.

 

Did you go back and forth with him before you left? Did you leave and go back countless times as I have?

 

What has happened to you since? Did you remarry or meet a nice guy? How are your children through this? Do they see their father?

 

Sorry to be so personal, but I truly admire your strength as a woman.

 

I wish I found this place sooner. I have been back and forth for long and never really had an outlet.

 

My child will always be number one, and I know that I will not allow him to ever hurt him in any way. Through all of our hardships, I have kept my home life with my child separate from him. We usually see each other when my son is with his Dad.

 

I can say honestly, my son has never seen anything abusive between us. He once heard him yell at me, a few years ago, and I made him leave... He did not curse or get nasty, he just raised his voice and my son heard him.

 

The last time I left him, was because he wanted to argue in front of him and I would not allow that.

 

He later said that was not what he wanted, but he admitted his anger and lack of self control.

 

I told that I do love my kid more than him and he comes first. I asked to think about that and to make sure he wanted a relationship with someone who already has a child.

 

Only time will tell,,, the good news is my girlfriend (very positive) moved in with us recently... She is a great help and is very protective of my son. At the very least if I fall short, she will be the first to file a report against him. Although I don't believe it would ever get to that...

 

What I am saying is that if indeed I am in denial, I have someone there whose looking out for him as an outsider who sees him without the love I see him with.

 

She is a med student that used to be my son's nanny long ago. Her support will really help me.

 

It's funny, I used to be so strong, and now I'm stuck... I know abuse is a cycle, I can understand why people get stuck.

 

He has agreed that when he feels out of control, he leave for 24 hours no less before saying anything to me. If I contact him prior to that, than whatever he says, would then be on me. I thought it might be a good exercise to try. Our therapist said we need to change our behaviour in high stress situations. maybe a 24 hour period to think about what we say to each other may help. But that is only if he can actually do it. I think it's a reasonable request. If he can do this, then maybe we have a chance. His problem has always been speaking without thinking and saying things to hurt me because he is hurt.

 

I think it may work only because from the two times he hit me over two years ago, he did seek help on his own and with me, and it has not happened since.

 

If he wants to change his behaviour than I believe he can. But only if he wants it, what I want does not matter...

 

Although, he drinks too much for my liking, that is a whole issue I'm not sure what to do with. I willnot tell him to stop because that won't work. Still on the fence there...

 

Thank you for your posts, please keep talking to me. It is helping and giving me something to hang on to...

[usedtobestrong]

Dear Loser Girl

 

Yes I went back and forth for 4 years. Not with him but with myself. I want to refrain from giving you any advice, but rather share with you my experience. What I found the truth to be was this.... Being with someone who mistreats you even if its "occasionally" is just like being alone. The self blame and hatred we put ourselves through is just like isolation. We start to lose who we are and it puts us further from ourselves and our loved ones. I wouldnt say that I am strong at all, if I were stronger it would have ended a long time ago. But what I was , was sick of it. I couldnt take the uncertainty, the lack of respect he was showing me but mainly the lack of respect I was showing myself. It is hard and it is sad and it is lonely, but at least now I am available to receive the love and respect that I give and deserve. My life is ever changing and for the first time in a long time I am guarenteed good change. I do feel weak at times and wish he would come back, but only the way I would want him to be. Which will never happen. It would take a miracle for a coward to become a man and sad to say he did not think I was worth growing for. We can hide from ourselves for only so long. I am sure I will run into him eventually again, and you know what its ok. When he see's me he will always feel a tinge of regret and most of all loss. But furthermore, each day that passes is one more day I didnt spend in a world of pain, anger , self hatred and fear. I wish you the best and I am glad that these psotings have helped someone other than myself. The people on the boards are nothing short of amazing.

[usedtobestrong]

PS Loser Girl...

 

It has only been 7 weeks since the split. I havent met anyone or in fact thinking about it. I am dealing with the issues that even allowed me to entertain the idea of staying with someone who does not love me, adore me, and admire me.

[usedtobestrong]

Hi All

I said I would keep posting... Good Bad or indifferent. Oddly enough yesterday was another difficult day. As it turns out around 10 PM last night I opened my door and guess who was standing there??? HIM. He said he had just come by to check his mail and saw that the lights were off and he didnt think I was home, so he wanted to come and talk to the dog through the door. Now mind you I had asked him not to do that because its upsetting to her, she is already sad about him not being here. BUT as I was talking to him I noticed he was wearing a RING!!! I asked him if was married or engaged, he said no. It was just a promise ring that she had givien him. I said oh that was nice and told him he finally got his Tiffany, now he never knew what Tiffany was until I told him and he went and got my engagement ring there. But anyway, he asked me about an email he had me CC on for his business and I told him I got it. He started to pet the dog and I told him he may as well come in and get the email (thinking lets just get this over with) he then went into the bathroom and I said, excuse but you didnt ask and he did, I said sure. I then started to get emotionally sloppy, telling him that he was an awful boyfriend and its better this way- blah blah blah. When he started to leave he asked me if he could pick up the dog and keep her while I was at work. I told him call me in the AM. But after he left I called him and said, it was quit a shock to see the ring and it was hurtful, it had only been 7 or 8 weeks and is that possible? Was his heart whole to give? he never answered. We went back and forth a bit about how I always made him feel not good enough and now I am free to go get what I want, blah blah blah and he told me he is really just dating this gorl and she gave him the ring and what was he supposed to do, say no I cant accept it and hurt her feelings? I said I understand it was all just a bit much. I said thats the one thing we never got to do was date, he said well maybe.... and I cut him off and said no I dont mean now I mean when we first met ( he was living with me within 3 weeks due to fate by fire circumstances). I am hurt angry and confused. I know he only cares about himself it is just hard to accept I meant so little and still do. How can he not feel the pain?

[avman]

Oooook girl. Slow down a bit. You are asking yourself a lot of questions which I'm afraid will never be answered to your satisfaction.

 

1. You gotta stop talking to this man. For your own emotional health you cannot allow him to call, come over, pet the dog, email you, etc. Tell him not to come by AT ALL. If he continues, get a restraining order. As you've seen, all it does is deal you a huge emotional setback when he does.

 

2. I know it hurts to see him with somebody new, but just understand what this girl is getting. An abusive con artist who will screw her over as soon as he gets comfortable. Frankly I feel very sorry for the girl. This man is no prize. She's fallen under the same spell he cast on you awhile go. YOU DONT WANT THIS MAN. Repeat that to yourself over and over until you actually believe it.

 

You need this man out of your head and until he's gone this kind of stuff is going to keep happening. No more talking to him - I mean it. You are going to have to stop being nice to him and start hanging up the phone, slamming doors in his face and blocking his email acccount.

 

Please, for your own sanity - shut him out of your life so you can heal.

[usedtobestrong]

Thanks Avman,

I know you are right, its just so hard to stop caring about someone. Deep inside I wish he wuld come back and say all those things that I would love to hear. I want him to feel I am the only one. Just without the abuse. Without the abuse our relationship was good. He was not a monster all the time. I know it sounds weak and lame, I am just furious on how he can treat someone who is doing a quarter of what I did for him so much better. I cant stop crying and I keep getting sick to my stomach. This hurts and I dont see and end in sight anytime soon. I know over time it will get better but right now I am unsure of everything, myself, him, my life.

[avman]

I am just furious on how he can treat someone who is doing a quarter of what I did for him so much better.

 

1. This is an assumption you are making based on little to no information. You do not know for a fact he isn't treating her the same way or worse.

 

2. Even if he is treating her better, thats because he is trying to hook her - just like he hooked you. He's playing her with the act he uses to lure his victims.

 

Don't confuse the fantasy in your head with the reality about this guy. You miss Prince Charming. This guy is NOT him.

[usedtobestrong]

Hi Avman,

I know your right. My head says the same things you are telling my but my heart thats a different story. Its tough right now. I hope I survive this. I feel so weak. But I'm still here so thats a start. Thanks, I just dont understand the game he plays. Why?

[grinand bearit]

Hi Usedtobestrong,

 

First of all, Avman is right--you have to stay away from him completely!

Secondly, he plays the games he does because they work for him. He gets is needs met the way he wants to--he had control. Just look at how much control over you his little visit got him. You spent hours and days feeling as if you had lost the prize. Honey, this guy is no prize and you do know that, but the old feelings of hope will keep resurfacing anytime you let him close to you. As I said, it works for him - but it can't work for you.

Please, do your best to stay clear of him. Believe me, I understand your struggle. As you know, I also went back and forth many times, the last time after over 7 months apart. I thought I was strong enough by then, but within a few hours of seeing him, I was right back into it, losing respect for myself, wanting him even so.

Please keep posting...and DON'T LET HIM GET NEAR YOU AGAIN!!!

G&

[usedtobestrong]

Thanks all, I know your words are true. I am trying my best. It is just so hurtful. I still find it hard to believe that people like this exist. They prey on others. My mind could never work in this manner. Its scary. And even scarier I shared my life with this person and somewhat still do. Its hard for me to remember the bad. I have hard a rough go since I was a kid and the thing that made me get past it and be able not to be tarneshed by it all I have always looked for the good in people. I wish it would all go away. I wish he would make it all go away.

[avman]

I wish he would make it all go away

 

No, no. Do not give him the power or responsbility to make it go away. You take that responsibility and power for yourself. You run your life - not him. You own your emotions - not him.

 

Do not let him own this problem, otherwise he continues to control you. Make your life all yours. He has absolutely no part in it. He can no longer hurt you if he is not in your life.

[usedtobestrong]

Hi Avman,

I know your right. I am much better when I dont see or talk to this person. Its just so hard for me to believe he is such a monster. I must always remember all of the horrible things he is capable of. Its just hard because some days he was not violent, neglectful, hurtful to me. Also, its hard for me to understand why he was rewarded with finding someone new and possibly marrying this girl. I know I am not supposed to care but its difficult, it has only been 8 weeks and I am in disbelief. I am starting n/c again and I am considering changing my numbers, but there is the issue of the fact that I still work with his ex girlfriend with whom he still speaks. I feel like I cannot escape him completely. I am searching for a new job and a way out. He is still in contact with all of his ex's but I do not feel that I should be like the rest or he is deserving to know me, especially now with the ring and all. Another slap in the face of how much I really meant. I am angry, hurt and sad.

[avman]

I understand. And its perfectly normal to be angry, hurt, and sad.

 

Changing your numbers is a good idea. If you need to change jobs, do it. Either that or ask your co-worker not to talk about him to you. Just purge this man from your life. I know all these thoughts are going through your head, but they are just thoughts - not reality. Your mind can play dirty tricks on you when it gets upset. This is when you need to rely on your friends to keep you grounded. Trust me, I've been there.

 

Just realize you aren't going through this alone.

[usedtobestrong]

Hi Avman,

Thanks it seems the word for today is ALONE. I know I must look back in order to go forward, but when I look back I see how much I lost... Friends, A good Job, my self esteem, my drive and my passion for life. I feel as though I am an empty shell of a person. I gave too much and I am not sure I can gain it back. Life was never this hard for me- until I met him. Sure we all have had our problems, but mine were either dealt with or managable. Now This is totally becoming unmanagable. I I know that it was such a game to him, he played me perfectly right along with his ex girlfiend and even now with his new girlfriend. I am choosing not to participate any longer, but I still don't know if I can ever regain what I have lost. The shame from the abuse forced me into isolation, I lived in constant panic and fear not from him but from life, as a result from the abuse. For some reason I am feeling hopeless and cannot get myself past it like I usually do. Its scary for me to even think that people really are like this and can be so controlling and manipulative, that they can only see me me me and not be considerate of the people in their lives. It scary to think that people dont believe in love enough that they have only learned how to misuse and manipulate it. What ever happened to honesty and trust?

[kate111]

I think I was in an abusive relationship too.

 

Funny how you don't even realise until it is too late and they have sapped all the life out of you.

 

Have you ever heard of this phenomenon: Stockholm syndrome? Look it up on the web.

 

Do you think abusers even love their victims? Or is it something else?

[avman]

Those are all excellent questions. Do realize that this guy is certainly not a model human being. So don't assume that all people behave this way. Too many do, its true. But not everyone does.

 

One of the other posters hit it right on the head. You have forgotten who you are. After all, you lived just fine before you met this guy. Your friends and your successes were all your own. So I say to you, you can have it all back. You've done it before. You can do it again.

 

I am not saying it is easy. I am not saying it will happen tomorrow. But it will happen. This man has not destroyed you. The damage is temporary. He is no longer able to do any damage to you. The only one who can allow the damage, is you. And the only one who can undo the damage, is you.

 

So, lets find out who you are. We need to get you back to finding your own self identity. And one way to start down that path is to help others. You may think you aren't capable of it, but you are. Head on down to your local womens shelter, senior home, homeless shelter, or hospital and ask them if they need a volunteer. Just once a week for a couple of hours. I'm telling you, its amazing how good it feels. You'll meet some wonderful people. And you'll put smiles on peoples faces who may have not smiled for a long time.

 

Its a start toward a new life. Something you can call your own. And who knows what you'll find when you get there. Let things take their natural course.

[usedtobestrong]

Thanks all, funny you should mention the helping others... I filled out an application to volunteer at the local hospital childrens ward just the other day. I have never heard of stockholm syndrome and I looked it up. It sounds a bit extreme, and could apply to anyone but in my case it was abandonement issues combined with post traumatic stress that lead me hear, I am sure over time stockholm sysndrome began to take effect but it was really the abandonment thing. I am just o angry, I feel like I have been used and abused just like a prostitute. He used me and abused me and claimed it was love. He controlled me from day one. When he finally gained the control he left, I was not an easy nut to crack through which would explain the intense abuse and control unlike the rest. I really need to make one good thing happen to turn it all around, but my spririt and soul are so wounded, i am at a loss on how.

[losergirl]

Dear usedtobestrong:

 

Been away couple days, had an outpatient procedure and have not been on computer.

 

I read your posts and thanks for your reply...

 

As you know I am back with my man. He too seems to surround himself with other women (friends, etc.) when I break it off with him. I think it's because they don't have to change when they start over with someone else. It's easier for them because it usually takes a couple years for the tide to turn. This girl has not seen the real him yet, and no he does not love her. It's just way for him not to feel bad, he has someone who is accepting him the way he is, but what she is seeing is his representative. The face they put on in the beginning. He doesn't have to change himself with her... It's a cycle.

 

My man told me that it is so hard for him to live with the guilt of the things he has done to me. And when I am not speaking to him which I do alot for weeks at a time, he feels better when he is with someone even a friend who is a girl, because it takes his mind off beating himself up over me. The people he confides in don't see what I have seen. They think he is great and wonder why he puts up with me.

 

My man used to date my friend before I did, he was abusive to her, but when I dated him, the first two years he was an angel, I couldn't believe this was the same guy. I thought it was her who brought out that side of him. I thought I was the one who changed him. I was in a lost world! Crazy, but I guess that's what we do.

 

The girl he is with now does not know him she only knows his representative...

 

It seems to me that he still has feelings for you and maybe he even wore the ring to instigate a reaction from you, maybe he thought you would go running back to him out of jealousy.

 

I know its hard and I do not know what the answers are for I am back with my man and trying somehow to start over.

 

I lasted only two weeks before I broke down and called him. I lost my strength to stay away from him. I feel better and can function because we are back, but I fear the cycle will continue. I just don't know how to start over.

 

But I do want to try since he has shown improvement and he has sought help on his own. He has changed quite a bit and he is moving in the right direction. But it's easy to fall back in to old habits. I feel good now, but it things fall apart again, then I will have to start over from square one.

 

Growth from pain. Believe me, I lost a lot in my life, My mom and Dad, when I was young. My child was born with a disability. I've lost a lot. It was painfull, but I only grew and became stronger and better from it.

 

Maybe that is why I can't let him go, it would just be someone I love who left me.

 

I wish I could help you, I pray for you to stay strong. Your not alone... remember that.

[Mun]

I have to tell you that strength comes from within you. You cannot get it from someone else. They will not give you something you don't already have.

 

When I left my abuser I filed for divorce and paid for it myself. I went back to work and then went back to college. I recently received my degree and am continuing my education. I live on my own with my children and I also have a disabled child.

 

I have dated different men, but I have never dated an abusive man again. There are truly great guys out there that would never do that to a woman. I will never accept that kind of treatment from someone again. I would rather be in no relationship than a bad one.

 

The truth of the matter is that nobody can stop a woman who has set her mind to doing something. Whether it be to go on with her life and never look back--or to go back to her abuser time and time again hoping he will change.

 

I do hope you will find the courage within yourself to know what you have to do when you have had enough and I hope it's not too late.

[usedtobestrong]

Hi All

thanks for your words of encuragemet. I havenot had any contact, and I am recovering from the "ring" incident. I am starting to find myself again. I still think of him, but not in the desperate way I was. I am trying to focus on me. The me I was before him. It is still painfull and I am at a loss on how we let it get so bad, how we did not take care of each other. I am amazed how much we took each other for granted.