48 hours into the break from abusive man

[Alejandra]

WOW this is my first time on this website and I am so amazed and thankful fo all the support you all give eachother. I am currently starting to be ME again I was in a very bad relationship myself. This one guy we can call him Victor at the beginning of the relationship was wonderful and even gave me a ring to marry him in March but little by little the MONSTER in him began to come out!.. from march till last friday he has disrespected me very much a few to name. He broke my middle finger one night because he broke out into a rage when a gay guy huged me in a bar ! hello a gay guy imagine if it would be a straight guy. He has beaten on me so many times I can go on and on, but the bottom line is that I am done with him and I have prayed to god to help me feel better and it is happening so fast, I think he can see my pain + with all the good company of friends. I do miss him but I feel much better not having to deal with his rage personality.. The last he told me was that I stink and I should go run or at least go to for a walk. The sad thing is that I have never lied or have ever given him a reason for him to not trust me but he thinks the worst of me and how little did I know I just found out he does Cocaine and sells it....! WOW I was in for a free ride from hell. I hope you all realize and consider all the good advise people give on this wonderful web page and know how much we are all worth .

Alejandra

[Mun]

Glad to see you got yourself out of that situation Alejandra. Never look back.

 

Keep going girl !

[avman]

Hey usedtobestrong,

 

We're still here for you. You aren't alone at all. Sending you lots of positive vibes!

[grinand bearit]

Alejandra -

Been there, still dealing with it all. Like you, I was accused of lying, cheating, etc., although I had never so much as thought to do either thing.

We could be out together, talking, having a nice time, and he would out of the blue tell me that I had been flirting with someone else in the room! I was always astonished when this happened. If I refused to "admit" to it and apologize and agree with his assessment that I was a "sleazebag," he called me a liar. To tell the truth meant to agree with his truth.

This guy also called me names every time we fought, got physical on more than one occasion, etc.

But, I could never seem to get out and stay out of the relationship.

It wasn't always nasty, of course, and I believed I loved him enough to see it through.

It has now been 3 weeks since I have had contact with him, and I am doing the best I can to stay away>

All the best of luck and much strength to you.

 

Grinand bearit

[Francis]

I am afraid your prince charming was never there, it was just a mask he was wearing to catch you in his web. This man is a criminal (his violence renders him a criminal) he may have a record and probably was indicted in the past. You can't afford to play with him, this is not a game, it is very serious : he is dangerous, especially now that you are separating.

 

Fortunately, he left you, and fortunately he met someone else. You don't know, however, how he will react when you start dating someone. You really are endangering your life and the life of your potential man, and that of your son. I would say that you better get the guy charged and convicted. At least ask a professional in the field of abuse whether this is a high risk situation. Find out at least if he has a record, for what.

 

However, you must get the pieces back together and get back to business : Does he have any information about your bank accounts, business information, credit card, joint account, signing authority : take care of this asap. Call your bank, credit card company, etc. What about your home? is it yours or you rent?

 

Good luck girl, keep us posted.

[grinand bearit]

Francis

 

i don'tknow he met someone else. And no, we have no accounts in common, nor does he have access to any personal information of mine.

 

Yes, he broke it off, and not for the first time. It just bothers me that he never seems to mean what he says. Even the business of keeping my things--not that that is life shattering, but the thought always occurs to me as to why he holds on to things of mine while telling me to go away, that he can do better, etc.

Anyway, i am not afraid for myself. He protects himself at all costs. He would never place himself in a situation where he might be held accountable.

Thank you for caring, as always. I really appreciate and value your input.

[grinand bearit]

Francis

 

Pleas ignore my post==I am very tired and mistakenly responded to your message for Alejandra. Sorry...

[usedtobestrong]

Hi all its been 27 days and I am feeling allot better... I thought I should continue to post to possibly help others. So far I have learned that the desperate feelings do end. I am no longer desperate but I also am starting to see myself and our relationship more clearly. I still miss him and wish that somehow someway we could work it out but I know that it takes two people to work together. So until then I work on me and maybe one day I will wake up and this will all not seem so important. Some days are good and some are bad. Time does heal all wounds...

[usedtobestrong]

Hi All,

I broke n/c again... This time he did not answer... I can't seem to let this go. I still love him and he does not love me. I know that it is unhealthy and bad but I at least want him to have some feelings about this. I miss him. I know its like a drug addict and I want to stop but I can't. How can he not answer, not care, be so selfish. I am trying to redirect this all back to mself but it is tough. Why does he not want me?

[avman]

Hey girl,

 

Look, what we have to come to grips with is that YOU dont want HIM. What you want is someone to love you, pay attention to you, treat you well, and spend time with you. And that is NOT your ex. What you miss is your ex's illusion that he casts. His alter ego that he uses to lure unsuspecting women close to him. THAT's what you are missing right now.

 

Picture him dead. Picture him laying in his casket, eyes closed, not moving. Because this person you miss IS dead. You can't call a dead person - right? So go ahead and grieve this person. Cry, sob, take out your pictures and look at them, get angry... But I want you to accept the fact that he is dead. Because this person you have been calling - he is a stranger to you. You do not know this man. He is a dangerous man. And he is a liar.

 

You are not responsible for this man or his feelings. You cannot make him feel the way you want him to feel. You cannot make him change. You cannot make him act like the man you want him to be. You are responsible for only one person - yourself.

 

Grieve this dead person and let go of him. Be safe. Be strong.

[grinand bearit]

Hey Usedtobestrong,

 

I was, too. I've read all your posts--we both left abusive men at about the same time; it's been a month for me.

I haven't made any contact and keep hoping he will, since he broke it off.

Anyway, I think we are better off even if we are so sad we want to scream. I wish there was a magic wand, something to make him see what he's done and to amke it better, but there isn't.

All we can do is try to get throught the days and when we are at our best, we will take Avman's very sensible advice and realize the person we long for is dead, maybe he was never born, except in out hearts.

We saw the best in them and wanted the best for them and for our relationships. I know you gave far better than you got. It was not your fault that he made the choices he did.

I used to think that there was something else I could do say, or be--some way to get through. Wrong.

If he wants to help himself, even if he doesn't care for you at all, he will, but it is very unlikely.

He found a new girl. My ex used to tell me that he knew there was someone better around the corner. Why do they think they should have 'better'? Because they really don't see that what they do is wrong! The blame for their actions is put on us.

I ache for him still at times. I do know what you feel and how long and empty the days and nights can be. I just wish we would all listen and apply the very good thoughts and advice of people in this forum.

[usedtobestrong]

thanks. It is so hard. As I sit hear now I wish he would come back and want to have our life back. I miss him and everyday I feel as though I am dying inside. I am sure he is feeling it too, but still he refuses to do anything about it. I dont understand how he can be acting like the victim? He is running away from me as I did something wrong. How can he not want to ammend his wrong doings? This is so hard, I wish I could make it all go away.

[grinand bearit]

Hi, Usedtobestrong,

Yeah, I wish for the magic wand, too--make it all go away!

I used to wish for the magic to make him see what he does, make hom want to change...

Do you have fantasies of getting strong enough to tell him what he should be doing? What I mean is, to "wake up" to the fact that his behavior ruined the relationship, as it has with others in his life?

I tried to tell my ex things like that at times, but he would always deny any blame and tell me that it was only my fault--even though I knew he had been abusive before, with others. And, he never wanted to make amends for what he did, at least not inthe 6 years I knew him.

I read that the reason they don't apologize sincerey, and try to be better is because then they would have to take responsibility for their choices and they don't want to do that. If they blame others, they never have to give up the power being abusive gives them--they convince themselves that the other person "Made them" act that way.

 

Although I know from the neck up that he is no good for me or anyone else, there is more of me from the neck down that feels lonely and sad.

It is ridiculous that thoughts of him occupy so much of my precious time!!

Yet, I do miss so many things about him and it is do very hard to be alone sometimes. That's when the 'if onlys" take over my mind.

I have started counseling for help in staying away from him. Maybe you could try that?

THese men have such a hold on us, don't they?

I wish you the best, be well, stay away, try to be busy---you know the drill!

It is so d&*n miserable!

If you want to pm me, feel free. Maybe we can help each other through this mess.

[usedtobestrong]

Hi all,

I know that its been awhile and I apologize, and oddly enough someone PM me and asked me if I was ok, Thanks you for your concern but I was just thinking today I should post. Its been officially 6 weeks and I am officially out of crisis mode. I have been staying busy with work and friends. I still think of him everyday, its just now it doesnt feel like I am going to die without him. Now when I think of him its 40% with rose colored glasses and the other 60% of truth of all the physical harm, stress, control and selfishness he brought into my life. We have spoken several times and I actually ran into him, and it didnt hurt and I looked at him with more sorrow than love. And I was actually ok. No tears. I actually told him I had no regrets , i only had one wish... that it had ended sooner. There are days when I get lonely but never scared and that is such a relief. Leaving or deciding to end it is such a scary thing, but the truth is at least you know the fear, anger and pain will eventually end. People who are abusive really offer you and your life nothing but heartache, physical pain and emotional drain. The truth is love was never involved. It is all codependence and abuse. I am certain at some point we all thought WE were in love, and that may be true, but the truth is our abusive partners never were. I am somewhat angry and would love to tell him off, but the truth is, paying him any attention at all is exactly what feeds the beast. So I guess I must starve it to death.. I am now not answering any calls and really comitted to phasing him completely out. He really does not deserve to know anything about me. I am continuing with my group and one on one therapy and they both are really helping. I have met some wonderful women, with horror stories worse than mine and they still have managed to be happy and have functional loving relationships. I am sorry for the rant but today has been one of those rough days, but I know this will be over soon.

[Mun]

So glad to hear that you are doing well. Just keep on going girl, you will get there.

 

It will get easier with time.

 

Love

[grinand bearit]

I was just thinking about you today--I am so glad to hear you are doing well.

I, too, am out of 'crisis mode,' although I have to remember that I stayed away from him before for nearly 8 months. But I do feel differently this time and have hope for the future.

You are fabulous and you will be well and happy. Never doubt that. It is so true that our abusive exes never did/never will love us or anyone else, not in the way we and other non-abusive folks define love.

 

Be well, stay strong,

\G&B

[murrayfaces]

used-2

 

I started reading this thread a few weeks ago, and I am so happy to hear that you are feeling OK about being out of that abuse-filled relationship. Stay strong, and remember that you survived that s*** and you are alive. Just please try and not SEE him again. It's not a good thing. I know sometimes it is very inevitable, and very unavoidable, but just try to do that. Those who abuse will one day be punished for what they do to us, but it's not our place to stand around and wait/watch for it. It only does us a disservice.

 

Keep your head up, and continue the therapy....and stay the F*** away from him, as much as humanly possible. Remember that abuse is something that we for some reason think is OK, so we have to remember to stay away from it until our mind is clear and we realize that no physical harm is ever OK.

[avman]

Hey girl, its good to hear from you again.

 

I'm very glad you are doing better. Its a slow process, but things are going in your direction now. Keep the faith. We're all still behind you in this. Each day you'll realize a little more about this guy and who he really is.

 

Someday you'll find a new special someone and you'll say to yourself "Now how is it possible I stayed with that other jerk for SO long!"

 

avman

[usedtobestrong]

Hi All

thanks for the encouragement. Its been tough and lonely but day by day. So today was the day... He called and I did not answer or return the call. I am staying strong but it is tough. Overall the most frustrating part is what I lost over this, a great career, ime with my kid and all things about myself I used to love and be proud of. But one by one I am not only remembering what those things look like but what they feel like too.I dont view him the same anymore, but now its just breaking the habit & routine. Thanks and Ill post soon.

[usedtobestrong]

Hi All,

I said I would keep posting so here we go. I ran into my ex again..... yesterday. Somehow someway it ended up being a 2.5 hour long talk.. We had our closure. He said he still loved me and I was the best woman he ever had and that he was sorry for all the awful things he had done to me. I told him that I forgive him, but the chapter is now closed and we are much better off. I said I really didnt see the point in being friends because I didnt want to surround myself with anything negative. He told me he may end up marrying his girlfriend of all of three months and that she was a "good girl" and they have had some problems with her being submissive but she asked him to be patient and she would fall in line...Anyhow, he said ot was hard to be around me because it made him weak and vulnerable and I said the reason being is because I know the truth. I wished him the best and all the happiness and I also encouraged him to curb his issues if he really acred about this girl to make it work. But here is the truth... It hurts like heck and I cant beliebve he is even considering marriage, but I know deep in my heart he will marry her, because its ,much easier to do that than it is to deal with the pain of me and us. Stangley enough after the conversation was over and I went home he called me and played the Supremes"someday we will be together" My response was thats so cute thanks, I will never say never but who knows - take care of yourself. I barely slept, I cannot eat and I feel sad and lonely. I know this will pass and in the long term I know I am doing the right thing but what do I do until that day comes? I can totally see how the effects of this person makes me feel so bad. And I am starting N/C again. But my head definatly knows that I wouldnt want him back right now, he has not changed and has not grown and honestly I deserve someone who knows that they do not want to spend a day apart from me and can say it and mean it. He is not equipped. I wish I could find a way to just not care anymore. Its not my ego or pride, its the love feelings that I still have that making me feel like shhhh... As bad as I feel though I could not even imagine having this person in my life again. help...

[cujo]

Be strong remember yourself. I believed you said you too have a son. This man could pose a threat to him as he proved with your dog. They say always forgive, but don't forget. In this case i would say no don't, you owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything right when he calls answer and hang up show him you don't like being played with. If he doesn't stop call the police, but first tell him you will do so if this harassment doesn't stop.

[sunnyp]

Hello usedtobestrong,

I am begging you to please hear my plea. I beg of you to get out and stay out of this relationship. If he hits you once he will do it again and again and again. These men do not change. They cant they love who they are. Abuse is all about power and control. These men beat their partners and wives to get control so that he can get you to do and be what he wants. It's all about him. Him and his needs and wants.

Every 15 minuets a woman or child are beaten in the United States. Every hour a child or woman dies at the hand of his or her abuser.

Any thing he will do to you he will do to your kids. For their sake RUN!!!!! Don't look back.

Below are a couple of poems I wrote about the abuse my kids and I suffered. And there is a link to visit. It describes Daniel's murder of herself and unborn child. Not to mention her 12 year old son committed suicide because of his pain over his mother's death. Please read this.

Good Luck. I am here to help you in any way I can. Email me if you need.

Sunny

 

link removed

 

Words of Affection

Written by: Sunny Pierce

 

 

Words of affection screaming in my ear. Words of affection letting me know your intentions are clear. Words of affection putting me in your idea of my place. Words of affection scaring me to death. Words of affection angering me every day. Words of affection make me hate you more each passing day. Words of affection took all of the love I had for you. Words of affection are forever burned in my soul. A word of affection is just as bad as each and every punch. Words of affection made me divorce you today!

 

 

Words of affection killed the love even your poor helpless children had for you. Words of affection made all of your family leave you. How is it that you cant see that we are gone because of your so called words of affection?

 

 

Look in the mirror and see your mouth so wide. This is the reason we all had to run and hide. Your words of affection landed you in jail. Words of affection let me know you blame me when you fail. Your words of affection are yours, not mine. This time your words of affection go unheard. Because we survived!

 

The Sound of the Storm Three Blocks Away

Written by: Sunny Pierce

 

I am standing at the kitchen sink pealing patoes for tonight's supper, the sound of thunder I hear three blocks away.

Supper will be late. He will be angry. I know there will be a horrible storm tonight, I can tell because he's only three blocks away.

The wind is blowing with a mighty howl. I can see the debris scattering from three blocks away.

The sound of his car engine I learned to recognize. It is coming fast three blocks away.

A crack of lightening strikes the back yard tree, it tears it into bits, and it starts to smoke. I can hear his car engine; it's two blocks away.

The wind is blowing fiercer than I have ever seen before. The roar of the thunder is getting mighty loud. Down comes a huge pour.

Thunder, lightning, hail comes fast with his engine roar. The trees are swaying fast back and forth.

The sound of his engine is one block away. I hear the windows shaking in their frames. I am scared. I know who will be blamed.

The tires screech as he pulls in the drive. I put the potatoes on the stove to boil. I am shaky, my legs are weak. The front door opens with a mighty squeak.

He's here! He's shouting. I can't understand a word he's saying. I ran for cover in the cellar.

He's walking around screaming for me to show myself. I say hidden under neath a huge shelf. He's madder today than I have ever seen before. He has a gun in his hand. I notice it as I see him pass by.

He sees me. He grabs me. All I hear is the sound of the storm screaming in my ear.

I fight back as he drags me accross the room. He is pulling my hair like one does from a loom. I fight harder. And I realize I still have my knife in my hand.

He sees it he screams even more. I hear a loud clunk as my head hits the floor.

I awake. He is gone. The stove is on fire. I run to extinguish it, I hear the sound of his engine from thee blocks away.

I look out the window to see. He caused the only storm that happened.

There is no broken tree limbs, there is no debris scattered in my yard. Lord I wonder why he makes life so hard. Tomorrow will be the same you see, because:

I am standing at the kitchen sink pealing patoes for tonight's supper, the sound of thunder I hear three blocks away.

Supper will be late. He will be angry. I know there will be a horrible storm tonight, I can tell because he's only three blocks away.

[losergirl]

Hi:

 

This is new for me. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for almost 5 years. I'm not really sure if it is truly abusive, however, there have been some bad things like he hit me a couple of times a few years ago, he spit in my face last year, and calls me names, really bad ones, when he is angry. When he is mad, he is scary and has no control over what he says to me. Nothing is off limits. I am a single mom, I have an 8 year old boy when autism. It has been two weeks since I broke it off with him. I have alowed him to treat me this way, although we have been in counseling since April. But the last straw was him repremanding my child and getting mad at me for not fighting in front of him. He referes to my child as the King, King Arthur, and the messiah. He obviously is jealous of him. In any event, counseling has hurt me more than help with him because now I feel I have to put up with his outbursts because we are in couples counseling and we are supposed to take it up there. He has tried to work through his anger and has made progress, but he has a problem drinking and cannot control his intake. After he is drunk it could go either way. My friends, family, and even his friends ask me why I am with him? But he used to be the best, he was loving and helpful, and romatic, more so than any other man I have been with. I know I miss this about him, not the bad stuff. Usually he calls me when I stop talking to him for a week or so but this time he hasn't. I know this time I drove him away. I did not show up for therapy and I canceled his birthday party. I am just so sad, I cannot function. I want him to come and make it all better. I just don't know what to do anymore...

 

He made it clear at the last counseling session that he did not want kids or marriage. I though I was ok with that but I already have a kid and want to be a family with someone. He said he wants kids someday but does'nt know when. I am 38 and he is 32. So when his someday comes I will be too old and he will leave me anyway. He says he will never be the man because he is not my son's natural father, but I disagree. I think a father is much more than a sperm donation. However my son has a father and has a great relationship with him. I just wanted him to be a positive role model and friend to him. My boyfriend grew up with a step dad that did not like him and made his mom choose beween him and her. He moved on her behalf. As a child his real Dad would beat his Mom in front of him till she was bloody.

 

He never beat me... He has only hit me two or three times without bruising or really hurting me. He does scare me though and pretend like he is going to hit me when he is upset. He has never done this in front of my child. He will leave when my son is home. He did spit in my face one night but does not remember cause he was drunk. We were arguing over a DVD player. I founf out he cheated on me last year. I was angry with him for calling me a C**T and I refused to attend a weeding with him. So he hooked up with someone else. He said if I had been there it would have never happened. Although he apologized and said it was only kissing, I have my doubts.

 

I cannot understand myself, why do I miss him so much, why is it so hard. I feel I will never find anyone again.

 

I am 38, single mom of one, self employed with my own house and nice car. I have a lot offer. I don't need a man to support me. I just want someone to make a family with me. To share my life and my son's life.

 

What's wrong with me? Why can't I let him go. I am so scared and so sad. Please help me....

[Mun]

Hi,

First of all you are not a loser girl. You are a single mom who is making a life for herself. I know your situation and I can tell you that abuse starts verbally and goes on to physical. You say he has not beat you, but hitting you is the same as beating. Just because you are not bruised or bloody does not mean you are not scarred. Abuse scars you on the inside if not just the outside.

 

You are right in having left him. He would never be the man you want him to be. Maybe he was romantic in the beginning but he is not that man now. You have your child to think of. He has special needs and this environment would not be good for him in any way.

 

You have to work on your self-esteem. This is the first thing an abuser takes away from you. Love yourself. Tell yourself that you made a mistake but are now dealing with it. You will get better and you will find someone to love you and your child one day. This is not love girl, you know that. The best thing you can do now is to never look back.

 

Your child needs you and you need to move forward.

 

You can pm me anytime.

 

Be strong

[losergirl]

Thanks muneca :

 

I is just so hard so see the light at the end of tunnel... Here I am on friday night, lonely, just wondering about him. It sickens me how he can go on and how I can't. Especially after all I have put up with. How i forgave him and believed in him and now where is he? Why doen's he care and we do i care so much?

 

I know I am better than this but if I am, why is it me that is hurting so bad? He once told me a guy is a good as the girl he is with. Meaning that if he's with me than he can get as good as me. I guess I used to think I was something special and thought he should be happy to have an independent woman with him, someone to love him for him... But I was wrong.

 

I have no energy or motivation to do anything. My work is now falling behind and my house is a mess.

 

I just wish I could get some satisfaction. I know that is immature but it would be easier for me to deal with if he was calling. At least I would know that he at least cared. This is torture for me. I don't even want to meet anyone new. At least not right now...

 

I have to get the courage to collect his things and send them back to him. My friend said she would take them to him when I was ready. But the finality of it just kills me.

 

I know I have lost my self esteem, I do feel worthless. How is it someone can have so much control on you? I wish I knew the answers or I wish I could accept that there are no answers.

 

I really loved him, I really did. I thought he was the one and thought I was the one for him. I cannot believe that this has happened to me. I have not been in an abusive relationship since high school. I have dated and married pretty normal nice guys, it just didn't work out for others reasons, but not abuse.

 

I hate myself for not seeing this coming. For not standing my ground at the first attack.

 

All I wanted was his approval and validation, and now I know that it has to come from me and not someone else. He's the loser not me... But why is I am the one paying? I guess maybe because I want to change my life and myself and he doesn't. Maybe it's easier for him to find someone new. It will take her at least 2 years to see the abuse. He'll never have to change. My therapist thought we were addicted to each other... Maybe she was right. After all this time what else could it be?

 

Why doen's he call me? It was his birthday this week and we had a big party planned and I canceled it and blew him off completely. I guess that was the last straw for him. But I really didn't care about his party. I cared about us and I just couldn't let one more thing go.

 

Please just tell me it will be ok, tell me I will be ok. Cause right now I feel I will never be right again... I feel time has run out and I'm too old now to find love again. He always made me feel old...

 

I know I probably sound crazy but I this is just so hard and my mind is running rampant. I cannot sleep or function. I'm dying inside. And worse I hate myself for loving someone who thinks so little of me. He thought I was a high maintenance C**t. Funny though, I never asked him for a dime, I always took care of myself.

 

None of this makes sense....