Meeting online boyfriend of 2.5 years help?

[ToBeOrNotToBe]

Okay so i'm meeting my boyfriend in a few weeks. Hes 19 and i'm 17 and my parents are totally okay with it. We have talked for 2.5 years and on the phone ALOT.

 

I really want him to come here but he still lives with his parents and he doesn't think they will be to happy about him coming here and won't let him come home after visiting me. My parents said he can stay here but not like "live" here.

 

I'm sending him money to come here (i've talked to him for a long time and i'm pretty sure hes not scamming me for money because it was my idea for him to come here.) The thing is he won't buy a round trip ticket he plans to stay here because he doesn't think his parents will let him come home.

 

He doesn't have a drivers license so he doesn't know how to get to the airport to fly here in the firstplace.

 

Someone please help me I really want him to just come "visit" me not move in. I mean yes it would be awesome if he could stay here but i want to just meet first to see if we will still like eachother. Hes to scared to talk to his parents about it and I guess thats okay because hes 19 and can do whatever he wants. I talked to his mom a lil bit about it all and she was like he can do whatever he wants hes 19 but i have to talk to his dad about it, and then she had the nerve to suggest that i go down there! (I live in northwestern wisconsin area and he lives in california) and i'm 17 not even legal age and i haven't even graduated. Hes been graduated for like...a year almost. Personally I think he should come here since i'm not old enough and i'm the girl.

 

So please just give me some advice on how to handle this? I just want him to come visit me. It would be great if you could give me options on how he could get to the airport since he can't drive, what to do if his parents don't approve (hes 19 he doesn't need approval but it would be nice) and also what to do if he just comes up here intending to stay and doesn't get a round trip ticket and my parents don't let him "live" here.

 

Thank you..

[HouseKitten]

First off - why are you paying? He's 19 - what's he been doing for 2.5 years that means he hasn't been able to save any money to come see you?

 

Second - why does he have to never go home? If he's prepared to come and see you and then never be able to go home again, why can't he just tell his parents a white lie and say he's going on a trip with a friend or something?

 

I would not lend him the money. Seriously. This doesn't smell right, the fact that he seems to want to come and live with you, that he doesn't apparently have any means of funding this trip himself.... none of it feels right.

 

A far better option might be if you could go to see him with a friend or family member for a weekend or something. That way, you get to choose the length of time you're there for, you don't have to worry about him basically moving in with you, and he doesn't get access to your money. I know you might think you know someone but people get scammed all the time - better to be safe than sorry.

 

If you're worried he won't like the idea, tell him your parents aren't happy about him staying with you. He should understand, since his parents apparently don't let him communicate with women at all.

[sff123]

He can take a taxi or bus to the airport possibly. Also one thing i noticed about meeting in person is that the person does look a little different just by virtue of the the fact they're in 3d but you'll probably like him better irl. Also i'd assume his parents would get over it if he just goes there to visit you but the whole thing seems kind of risky. Like unless he has a lot of money saved up to rent out a room. You can usually find one on craig's list.

[annie24]

he's 19. why doesn't he have a job or is going to college? why should you send him money? i agree, something smells wrong here. he's an adult, he should be able to take a trip if he wants to. it's all kind of suspicious. he shouldn't be 'moving' in with you at this stage. this should be a weekend trip to meet in person.

[sff123]

I dont think he's scamming her if A she suggested it, B she talked to his parents and they suggested she go down there, C theyve been in this relationship for 2.5 years, but i suppose there's been weirder things

[alli]

I agree with Housekitten. You spoke to his mom yourself & she told you "he can do whatever he wants" so why does he think he will not be allowed home? It sounds like he is making that assumption without even asking his parents. I don't see where he would even get that idea unless he said to them "I'm going to visit my gf" and they responded with "We won't let you come home". Obviously that did NOT happen or else he would know for sure that he wouldn't be allowed home, and she probably wouldn't have told you "he can do whatever he wants". It seems like he's trying to get you to let him live with you & your parents. Like you have to. "If you want me to visit, you better let me live their, too!" And he doesn't know how to get to the airport? Do they not have taxis in California? It just seems crazy that his parents wouldn't let him go on a trip & let him return home. So crazy in fact that I don't think it's true.

 

If you are going to spend all that money on a plane ticket, why not spend it on a trip for yourself to California? Make a vacation of it with your mom, dad, aunt or uncle, and meet up with him while you're out there.

 

I've heard a lot of BS excuses & lies from guys over the years and I really think this is one of them.

 

At the very least if you still decide that he will visit you, you should order the plane ticket yourself- a round trip ticket- online & NOT send him the money to do it. Orbitz, Expedia, Travelocity.. it's very easy to order a plane ticket online for yourself or anyone else. He's 19.. he's a big boy & if he can't even figure out how to get his booty to the airport than you have a lot of babysitting to do in your future.

[Fudgie]

I would suggest that he could get a ride with a friend to the airport or something, shouldn't be too hard.

 

He needs to be up front with his parents. You've talked to them right? They could also talk to your parents and see that everything is okay on your end. I don't understand what their reluctance is, honestly.

 

You need to make it excruciatingly clear to him that it's JUST a visit. Tell him to get a round trip ticket, no exceptions. Have your parents tell him too that it's "just a visit". He should get the message.

[Nearbot]

A far better option might be if you could go to see him with a friend or family member for a weekend or something. That way, you get to choose the length of time you're there for, you don't have to worry about him basically moving in with you, and he doesn't get access to your money. I know you might think you know someone but people get scammed all the time - better to be safe than sorry.

 

 

Do this. California is a really cool place. I'm sure you could convince a friend or family member to take a trip there with you to do fun touristy things, and he could meet up with you somewhere.

[annie24]

yeah, full of ridiculous excuses!!!

 

i don't have a drivers' license either! but i've been flying by myself since i was 13. you get a ride to the airport. or take a cab or a van bus. it's not rocket science.

[HouseKitten]

I dont think he's scamming her if A she suggested it

 

Perhaps just my suspicious mind but if I wanted to scam someone, I wouldn't make it obvious by saying 'hey can I come visit you? but you have to pay?'. I'd wait for them to want to see me, then make a big deal about how I can't afford it. And oh look, they offer the money. This sort of thing does happen.

 

B she talked to his parents and they suggested she go down there

 

They aren't necessarily aware of his intentions. He doesn't have to tell them, and funnily enough his mum's reaction puts his own story out - she seems fine with it, so why is he so sure he'll get kicked out?

 

C theyve been in this relationship for 2.5 years, but i suppose there's been weirder things

 

Oh yes. Much weirder. There are a lot of people out there who are perfectly happy to take advantage of others.

 

It's possible he really is genuine, but on the other hand, if he's not then the OP could end up losing money and time over this guy. Again, better to be safe than very sorry.

[sff123]

if she just buys him the plane ticket herself it's less risky but it kind of shows that she doesnt trust him too

[alli]

if she just buys him the plane ticket herself it's less risky but it kind of shows that she doesnt trust him too

 

I don't really think it shows she doesn't trust him. It's a matter of simplicity. Why would you send a check or wire money to someone, for them to pick up, cash or whatever & then buy the ticket.. when you can just do it all yourself in 10 minutes online? Why create extra steps moving money around when the person paying can just directly buy the item themself? I do the same thing. If I want to pay for something for someone, I usually just buy them the item myself rather than giving them the money & waiting for them to do it. Plus, if she does it herself she can make sure that his arrival & departure fit her schedule where she can pick him up & drop him off. Not to mention make sure that it's a round trip ticket, or else she could be stuck paying for his flight home additionally, or "Oh darn, guess I'm going to have to live with you & your parents since I don't have a way home".

 

But still my #1 vote is for her to take a trip to California with a relative & see him that way. At the very least she would get a vacation out of the deal. What is there to do in Wisconsin anyway?? (just kidding OP, I only joke because I live in the midwest as well!)

[lavenderdove]

No matter how much you think you know him, if you've never met him in person, you don't really know him.

 

And it is ridiculous for him to expect to move in with you and your parents and you haven't even met him once. And at 19, he should be in school or working to support himself, so 'letting' his parents make any decisions about where he lives is not relevant... he should be making them on his own. If he doesn't have enough money to come see you, he needs to get a job and make the money. And if he wants to live where you are, then he should make enough money to come see you and live until he finds a job and an apt. in your area.

 

It is not your parent's responsibility to take in a 19 year old they (and you) have never met. Something is very wrong with this, don't agree to it.

[KeepMe]

When I met my ex of 4 years we were exactly like you. He was coming from Canada, and I'm from the US. It's funny to see this story cause' it was so much like us, and I remember what it was like. I hope you will really think about the advice I'm going to give you.

 

First in my case, my ex paid the tickets. Why? Because he was the guy coming to see "me", staying at "my" house with my dad. I knew this guy for a year and half before meeting him. My bestfriend of 13 years met him online, and she introduced me to him. We talked every night, sometimes for 8 to 9 hours straight. I always found myself late to school trying to stay up and talk to him as much as possible. I knew everything about him, or so I thought. I conjured up the nerve to ask him to come and visit me. He lived with his parents, and didn't have a drivers license. That being said it was up to his mom if he could come or visit me or not, reality ... she didn't like the fact, but she let him anyway. Also when I would call she would answer and we would talk for a bit', and we worked up a connection over that year and a half of dating.

 

I would have never paid him to come visit me, I left that completely up to him. If he had money, and he needed some tiny help I would definitely offer the money, but not pay fully.

Second, if he doesn't have a job, this is a no no. Rather you love him completely and wish so badly to see him, if he can't pay for a single thing it won't be a good idea.

If he is planning on staying you must tell him that he better change his mind quick. You can't upset your parents, and it's going to cost so much for him to buy two one ways. It's not a safe situation, he may end up getting himself stranded down here.

He is 19 years old, he is an adult he needs to talk to his parents about it. If they are not 100% about the idea and they tell him no, then there is no way he should come anyway.

Something really sounds fishy to me about all of this, he won't talk to his parents but he doesn't "know" for sure if they will let him come home or not. He can't propose an idea of living with you when it's not his place, and he's never met you.

I think he is going to try and screw things up for you. I can't bet on this because I don't know him, but if you told him he can't stay permanently it sounds like he is going to try. Then what if your parents kick you out because of him?

 

My ex stayed for two weeks, it got expensive for us to go and do things for two all the time. If he doesn't have money how are you going to pay for all of this? This just doesn't seem like a good idea, maybe when he gets a job and makes some money to see you it would be a better idea. Once you maybe speak with his mom, and maybe your parents speak with his parents possibly. This way her son isn't going to a strangers house, and she might give in a little more.

 

Just be careful and plan accordingly, do not make any decisions until he knows that he won't be staying a long time. If he doesn't buy roundtrip, then don't do it.

 

 

Edit:

 

I read the end of your message, where you talked with his mom. You have to realize it's their son, his mom and dad are probably just as worried for him as your parents would be for you, if you were to go to California. I'm sure they love their son, and it's probably weird for them to send him to a strangers house. Knowing he probably can't support himself, they don't want to think of him getting stranded. Just because he is a guy makes it no easier on them, so you can't be too harsh (even though I completely agree with you, and him coming and seeing you first.)

Your school is important, and maybe you should wait for the summer to get here and go and visit him. I agree with Alli, I think California would be great. And if you can buy his tickets, maybe you can use the money for a ticket for you and a relative and go see him. It's a vacation (I would do it) and even if he doesn't turn out to be what you would like him to be, you can hang out in California for the time being.

When he can support himself, and get a job to cover the fees I think his parents would feel much better, and it would put you in a better place.

[Billy Ray]

Don't lend him any money for the ticket, he should be able to save up some money to come see you. Does he work?

 

If he really wanted to visit you and meet you he would come up with the money or at least half of the money for a ticket.

 

I'd suggest asking him to come up with half the money for a round trip ticket (and get an open ticket so he can go back the next day or a week later) and you can come up with the other half.

[maggie_rae]

Sounds like he should go get a part time job and save some money up instead of ask you to buy the ticket. I dont think you should give him any money. He needs to suck it up and find his own way.