I'm into a married girl, doubts about my current relationship

[Unmotivated]

I'm a relationship that has lasted a little over a year now. It's good. Though there are thing I don't like about her, there is a lot that I do. We have never had a real fight. We tend to work out our problems quite well. But I often feel like she might not be who I really want.

 

Out of the blue a few days ago, I met a chinese girl. She approached me and asked to talk to me. So I did. She had just arrived from china to meet her husband who had been working her for a long time. She couldn't speak very good english (but it was good enough to understand her general meaning). I talked for a half-hour. She was really fun to talk to. She asked me if I would help her learn english and I agreed. Fortunately, I had been wanting to try and learn a foreign language and I thought this would be a great opportunity.

 

We've hung out a few times since then. She has come to the gym with me a few times, as well as emailed her, and chatted online a lot. My girlfriend was noticeably upset at first that I was hanging out with her, but now seems to have accepted this girl as a friend.

 

It took some time for two very contradictory things to really click:

1) I'm am totally infatuated with this girl. I've had a wonderful time with her. She is full of life, she's beautiful, she has a great personality, she's feminine, and...

2) She's married.

 

It's possible that she isn't happy with her marriage. I really don't know. Her husband is working on a PhD and he seems to be gone almost all of the time. Last night she told me that they had a fight about the dinner she had cooked and he left to do more work (this was like 8:00 p.m.).

 

She is very friendly/flirty with me and I get a vibe that she is attracted to me. But I don't know. It's all so ambiguous, and does it really matter?

 

This is the sort of thing that would never work out, as much as I secretly (and I imagine foolishly) wish it somehow could.

 

I love my girlfriend. I care about her a lot. But this has really made me realize that I don't know if she's right for me. I don't think I'm really in love with her. I don't want to hurt her by breaking up with her. She loves me so much. She wants to live together, move to a new place together, get married. I don't know if that's what I want. At least I don't know if I want it with her.

 

I feel like an idiot. I haven't been able to think straight since I met this girl. I've felt anxious each day, and I just sit around and try to pass the time. I haven't felt like this since when I was a complete newbie at dating and I had crushes on girls.

 

What should I do?

[ToF]

What should you do?

 

I'd say drop this new girl, for one. She is married, so NO MATTER WHAT you may think about her marriage ("she may not be happy with it", etc), she is off-limits.

 

After you cut contact with her, I think you should take a serious look at your current relationship. What exactly is wrong with it?

 

Just look at it this way:

 

1) You can't have both girls

2) You can't have the married girl

 

So that leaves your current girlfriend of over a year, or being single.

 

Up to you!

[G-Snap]

Walk away from the light my friend.

 

Walk away.

[Kumatora]

It's possible that she isn't happy with her marriage. I really don't know. Her husband is working on a PhD and he seems to be gone almost all of the time. Last night she told me that they had a fight about the dinner she had cooked and he left to do more work (this was like 8:00 p.m.).

Quite frankly, that is none of your business. None at all unless you are a marriage counselor. This conversation is very inappropriate to have, especially when she is being flirtatious toward you. She needs to work on those issues alone or with a counselor, but not sharing her unhappiness from her marriage with you.

 

Stay out of it otherwise you are a home wrecker. This woman is clearly unavailable. Do what is best for yourself and for her by not getting involved. Cut the contact if she is being flirtation in any way.

 

And if you're not happy with the girlfriend you're with then drop the relationship.

[Speranza]

Quite frankly, that is none of your business. None at all unless you are a marriage counselor. This conversation is very inappropriate to have, especially when she is being flirtatious toward you. She needs to work on those issues alone or with a counselor, but not sharing her unhappiness from her marriage with you.

 

Stay out of it otherwise you are a home wrecker. This woman is clearly unavailable. Do what is best for yourself and for her by not getting involved. Cut the contact if she is being flirtation in any way.

 

And if you're not happy with the girlfriend you're with then drop the relationship.

 

So simple!

 

So true!

[HouseKitten]

If you don't love your girlfriend then break up with her before you pursue anything further with this other girl. You're one step away from emotionally cheating on her - be a man and end it before you end up doing something you may regret.

 

This other woman is married. Meaning she's taken, completely. If she wants to end her marriage then that's good news for you but right now, she's off the market. You don't even know if she's telling the truth about how bad things are - she could very well be buttering you up as her bit on the side, leading you on with how unhappy she is, but it'll always turn out that it's 'not the right time' for her to leave him. If you don't want to end up as that guy who comes here wondering why his girlfriend won't leave her husband, don't get into it.

[anggrace]

Two separate issues here...

 

I don't think you're ready to settle down... with anyone. You have a girl you love and get along with, but for reasons you can't put your finger on, you're not sure she's good enough to be the one. You say you don't want to hurt her, but if she had any idea you were hanging out with a girl you infatuated with, she would be devistated. That's not caring, that's selfish. Have some respect for the girl and let her go. You're doing her no favor being secretive with your true feelings. You're only doing it to avoid conflict and make it easier for you. I know it sounds harsh and judgmental, but think about it. It's really not cool at all.

 

The second issue is this other girl. She is NOT available, so getting together with her is not an option. Literally, sure, you could... because it sounds like she's not really commited either... but if you do get involved, the two of you will create a HUGE mess. There's no easy way to go about cheating or breaking up a marriage. You simply just don't do it.

 

Im sure you felt pretty crazy about your gf when you first got together. Now you have this other girl who's giving you that new exciting feeling. But that WILL go away over time. After a while she won't be such a mystery and that's the reality of it.

[dr_styles]

So that leaves your current girlfriend of over a year, or being single.

 

Up to you!

 

I think it simplifies to this pretty quickly too. The other woman is easily dismissed by her marriage, and even then the background to her will have it's own raft of doubts too.

 

What's happened to your current relationship is the problem you have to worry about. Attractive people will always come and go.