2+ year relationship.....thoughts

[ny guy]

I've been dating my g/f for a bit over two years.

 

Things have been ok lately. I've written here a few times about my doubts about the way I feel about her, my love for her.

 

 

Recently, we almost broke up. Every so often, I have these feelings surfacing, where I'm just not sure about the relationship. It's more than a few times, but I'm getting better at dealing with it myself and internally.

 

 

Personally, I've come to the realization that I will eventually have to date other people. She is my first real deal long term g/f. I'm 24 almost 25. I definitely feel like I have to get myself out there. The thing is, she is truly marriage/wife material. She totally wants to make me happy.

 

I've got grass/greener syndrome, totally. Like, I don't see anyone in particular that I have interest in, but I just know that I've got to experience other women.

 

 

I think that this could be because lately I'm losing a bit of attraction for her. It was a weight issue, kinda-sorta still is. She is trying, she joined a gym, and is going on a semi-regular basis. I feel like I have been pretty patient as well. The thing is, I feel like I'm always looking at other girls.

 

 

Anyway, the last time we spoke seriously about how I felt, it went like this. I said that I just still have that unsure feeling sometimes. I forgot exactly what I said. I know that I love her, I'm just not sure I guess. We left off that we would keep pushing through this. It was more her doing the talking, and having the confidence to do this. She truly loves me, she doesn't want to give up on me, even though I feel this way.

 

Thing is, I really don't feel like I'm in love with her, but I know that she would make a great wife and mother. I have had that love feeling, but I feel like it's waning somewhat.

 

 

Lately, well, for a few months now, I've picked up the habit of smoking again. I take occasional smoke breaks at work, and sometimes when i'm coming from her house home, I have one. She caught me once, as I smelled of it, and she wasn't too happy, but she said her peace, and didn't force me to do anything. She just wanted me to stop, because I wanted to stop. I know she doesn't like it, but I feel like that should be enough to make me want to stop. Also, considering that I've gotten her to go to the gym, I feel freaken guilty about being a hypocrite.

 

Yea, I'm a jerk.

 

 

Also, I've always been a pretty frugal person when it comes to spending on things. I'm not sure if it's the stress of my job lately, but I'm becoming more spendthrift and a bit careless.

 

I'm not sure if these are because I'm just not happy with my relationship, or perhaps, myself.

[eggplant47]

You've been "patient" about what she does with her own body? She should break up with you. Then you can have as much grass & cigarettes as you want!

[bambina maxima]

I think you should break up with her. Staying in it for the other person's sake is a terrible idea.

 

If you break up, at least she'll have a chance of finding somebody who truly loves her for what she is and isn't always wondering what else is out there.

 

I doubt you're going to be able to turn off those feelings of wanting to try dating other women.

[strawberry]

I agree. She may be "wife material" as you call it, but youre just not feeling it. And to be honest, those feelings are just going to fester and grow with time until you do something about it.

 

I dont think you're a jerk. I will think you're a jerk if you stay with her right now though. Its in a way, leading her on since these doubts are always on your mind. Break up with her and if down the road things change, maybe you can reconcile.

[ny guy]

I'm trying to be as honest with her as I can.

 

Maybe you are right, that is probably the right answer. I just can't help but feel that I would regret not having her if I did something.

 

As far as the 'weight' issue, I totally understand your anger at this. Call me superficial, call me whatever. That's how I and most guys operate. With this, it's more her family's lack of any care towards healthy living that bothers me. I want to try to change that mindset with her. I feel like I have made her much more aware that she is in control of her health, and I realize that she can't completely control her environment, since she lives at home.

 

But I also realize that you can't truly change people who don't want to change.

 

I, on the other hand, was leading by example for a long time before I took up the habit of smoking (cigarettes, not grass!!). Smoking was largely stress related to work. It's a weakness that I want to get over. I hate the smell of my hands and mouth, but I truly enjoy smoking.

 

This is much more of my fault, of not being in control of myself and my feelings. Then again, you can't exactly control those things anyway. The more I think about these things, the more I do realize that something has to change. I do know also, that the longer a relationship goes, the harder and more emotionally involved both parties are. She and I are both well aware of this.

 

 

I do value your input, as rough as it may be. I'm going to really think about what I should do. My sister has brought up the idea of dating other people. I know it's a risky thing to do. I just have to work up the courage to deal with her eventually being upset with this. If I was ever to do something, I would rather be stand-up about it and honest, than let myself do something regrettable, disgusting, and terribly hurtful.

[eggplant47]

 

I, on the other hand, was leading by example for a long time before I took up the habit of smoking (cigarettes, not grass!!). Smoking was largely stress related to work. It's a weakness that I want to get over. I hate the smell of my hands and mouth, but I truly enjoy smoking.

 

Haha! No! You said you've got "grass is always greener syndrome" so that's the grass I was referring to!

 

Maybe you're girlfriend truly enjoys snacks. And maybe she deals with stress by nibbling. Why is it ok for you to indulge in what you want but not she?

[strawberry]

Honestly, if she was thinner when you started dating her, I can see why you would be upset. My ex-bf put on 30 lbs over the course of 2 yrs when we dated and it bugged the crap out of me. Dont feel bad for that. Im sure she is stressed though. Good luck but I think you know what you need to do.

[eggplant47]

Someone who cannot handle their partner gaining weight is probably not ready for a serious relationship. I mean, what if your SO is burned & scarred in a fire ? What if he/she was in an accident & lost both their legs, or had cancer, or started balding ect... Love is seeing past the physical and truly being there to support your partner. Wouldn't you want to know your spouse would be there for you if, god forbid, you went through any of the above?

[strawberry]

No offense...just my opinion but I dont think having cancer is the same thing as putting on a few pounds.

[eggplant47]

No offense...just my opinion but I dont think having cancer is the same thing as putting on a few pounds.

 

 

I respect your opinion & you're right. Cancer is a LOT different than putting on weight. It's a lot harder, it can change your physique far more drastically & it can eliminate your sex life all together.

 

I just think unconditional love is the best kind!

[strawberry]

agreed!