kind of long- sorry!

[mia616]

hey everyone:

 

I have written in here a few times, thanks for your help. I am dating this guy we have been dating for a little over 2 years. I don't know if I am with him now just because I am comfortable with him and afraid to be alone. I am 23 and he is 29. He wants to move closer to his job this summer, which is great, but we already live about 1.5 hours apart, and his move would be closer to his work and about the same from me. I am just concerned because he seems to be quite selfish and just thinking of himself. At this point in the relationship I feel that he should be thinking about an us as opposed to just an I. He says I can get a job out there and move in with him when I am ready, but he would be the one paying the mortgage so he is going to move where he wants. I have a good job where I live right now. I live with my parents still and he has his own place and he says he is the one who is already "Established."

 

His parents also help him pay for a lot of things because he is an only child, whereas I pay my parents rent everywhere, not as much as if I had my own apartment, but just to help out a bit. I am the oldest of 5 so it is a bit different. He is also acts cheap, and says how he can't afford it, when I suggest some towns that are little closer for me.

 

I just feel like we are already fighting about money/ where to live when we are not engaged, married or even live together. Is this normal? He is also selfish when it comes to other things (in bed ) for example. I don't know if it is because he is an only child or what. He is a good guy though, with a good heart and he treats me well. I just don't know if that point I am exaggerating things or what. He is not willing to compromise a lot of the time.

 

We got in a fight last night about where to have Easter because I was going to go down to visit him until Sunday, and then i wanted to have easter with my family because we celebrated the other holidays with his. When he said his family is more fun or whatever. I am just getting tired of it. Maybe its the distance, I dont know. I told him I think we should take a break and he said "do what you need to." I have talked to him since last night.

[alli]

It sounds like things aren't really working out with this guy. Money is one of the most common causes of divorce, so it really is a source of conflict. You may not be married, but you've been together long enough for any issues in this topic to surface. Compromise is also important.. it's really hard for me to say what is a "fair" compromise based on the small amount information here.

 

Really, it sounds like you both are rather disengaged from this relationship. You wanted a break & all he said was "do what you need to do"? And I noticed you never once called him your bf.. only referred to him as a guy you are dating. Which, yes you are dating him. But generally that is something you call someone early in a relationship; not after 2 years.

 

Do you really want to be with him? It doesn't totally sound like you're in love with him. But I don't know everything about your relationship by reading one post about it.

[catfeeder]

You're not even sure why you're with him, so why the fighting? He's an independent guy and views his opportunities through that lens. If you could live on your own anywhere you wanted, why would it be selfish of you to want to live closer to where you'll need to work?

 

If you're not even clear about your own investment in this guy, there's no need to invent problems to fight about just to tip your scales. If you want out, get out. If you're in this, then try to see this opportunity through his eyes. It makes sense to him, and if you could place yourself in his shoes, it might make more sense to you, too.

[mia616]

I am trying to see it through his eyes, and I do. But after 2 years in a relationship, I feel like we should be thinking of both of us, and I don't think he is. He says he is, but then he doesn't listen to my suggestions at all.

[catfeeder]

I am trying to see it through his eyes, and I do. But after 2 years in a relationship, I feel like we should be thinking of both of us, and I don't think he is. He says he is, but then he doesn't listen to my suggestions at all.

 

He likely views your suggestions as coming from the comfort of living in your family's home. While that doesn't invalidate your ideas, he's the one living on his own and needs to plan his commute accordingly. He doesn't see himself living peripherally around your family's home, but rather near where he works.

 

Why doesn't that makes sense to you?

[confused25]

I don't understand why it's selfish to want to move to a place where it's closer to his work. He is still going to be the same distance from you now, so why does it matter? You guys are engaged/married so I think it's a little too early to start planning where to settle down. Honestly I wouldn't personally move anywhere for a guy until I know he is the one and he puts a ring on my finger. But until then, I will plan things around my own career, in case things don't work out. I wouldn't expect my partner to move closer to where I am unless we are fully committed to each other.

[mia616]

I dont think its selfish that he is moving closer to work which I stated before. I know that he needs to. But there are places which are still closer to his work, and a bit closer to my family also...though still an hour away. I feel like my suggestions do not matter to him, and that is my concern. I would be the one to have to move, and be away from my family and friends, where he is moving closer to his work, which is good, but he knows people there.

 

I don't plan on moving with him until I know he is the one I want to be with. I guess I am just concerned because after 2.5 years don't people normally want to move in together? I would like to live with him, but I dont want to have to move far away, when I have a good job where I live now. He also always says how he is more established than me, he is also almost 30 where I am 23. His parents help him pay for a lot; mine don't.