Bring on the opinions...not sure now

[tattoobunnie]

So I joined this site to get through the pain of this one relationship almost two years ago, which went into discussions about my recent ex, then them both, and now just the recent ex.

 

To sum up, we've been broken up for 7 months now, and in that time, I really worked extensively on a lot of issues, and we worked through our issues together. There was only 1 month we didn't talk, the rest of time we talk somewhat daily, or see each other weekly. About a month ago, I decided to just give up the idea of sweet-hearting him, and oddly, he loves the real-deal.

 

And even though we just got back from a nice trip together, and we love each other...there are certain thoughts that ring in my head over and over, and they're all conflicted.

 

1) I want a solid, committed relationship. I should move on, and stop dating my ex, because he doesn't want to share that with me.

2) I'm redeeming myself, so I should stay friends, and rebuild from scratch.

3) The tables have turned, and I'm becoming more of a doormat...must break free and flee.

4) If you really loved him, you see how it goes. Don't put the pressure on it.

5) He recently told me he doesn't know what he wants, yet it's because he says he was hurt in the past and afraid to get hurt again.

6) I'm a commitment phobe, so I'll find any excuse to just chalk it up and move on.

7) You shouldn't have to be the constant sounding board for your ex. He's needy, and just wants his ego boosted. And he wants the best of both worlds.

 

I mean, I know no one can tell me what I want, but for all this time, I knew, and went for it, but I'm tired now. Even though we're intimate, it feels like friendship. Then, I wonder that should cut contact down to a minimum, so I can find what I want...a man who wants what I want. Then, we've had some great break-throughs last month, that maybe I just need to let things play out, relax, and don't go cold.

 

Yesterday, he texted and emailed a couple of times with jokes, plans, checking up on my dad, and my responses were short and curt...and funny enough for the first time today, he sent one like that

 

We've talked about the relationship to death, and he brings it up all the time. I just don't feel like asking or letting him know my intentions anymore...we didn't date for very long. He just made a huge impact on me. And wants me in his life.

 

Then, I feel silly doing this now, because he's coming to this big thing my family is going to on Saturday, and he's helping me adopt this pet that is still ill at the shelter. I think I just want it to be over with. I usually never talk or attempt to get back together with an ex...but this has been going on for 7 months.

 

Should I just chillax, or are my thoughts justified and normal to consider, or am I beating a dead horse?

 

Thanks

[DontGetStung]

Eeek, that is rough. You've got yourself entangled in quite a web. I suggest you tell him the sexual stuff needs to stop, until you figure out what you want and him what he wants. If those two don't coincide then stick to being actual friends or leave each other alone for a while.

 

I'm not familiar with your story, what are you redeeming yourself for?

[tattoobunnie]

...didn't check my baggage at the door. Instead, I brought it along, and tried to make him carry it. And he stayed as long as he did out of love.

 

Really? I need to have another conversation? Don't things just fade out on their own?...I guess, if I had some sense that we were still working things out, I'd be all for discussing friend-appropriate behavior. And we have, 2, 3, 5, & 6 months ago...we both know. Over the 7 months, he's gone from us taking some time apart, to us not being right for each other, to it was just the baggage, to he's got baggage, to let's be friends and if something happens, great, to I just love you as a person, to I love you and need you.

 

For me, I rather get off the crazy train, or just see that maybe I'm putting too much pressure on things, and just need to kick back and enjoy the moment, or...

 

Ultimately...I want to be with him. He's uniquely awesome, special. I love the guy. Though, as a rational mind-set...he's not giving me what I want...so I should get out of dodge. Then, I see improvement. But it's been so long, I don't know if it's just becoming a beautiful friendship, or this is how it's suppose to be...drawn out communication and dating.

[tattoobunnie]

Or like now...now, that I feel like taking a time-out...is that really lame of me, considering he's suppose to come out to something on Saturday, and we have other future plans?

 

I mean...calling off a wedding, big deal, and if it has to be done, it is...but some fun plans, when my aim to get back together? Limbo...takes too much effort to stick around in.

[jinxremoving]

Have you reached the point where you would rather just move on? Is he worth it? Everybody has different breaking points. Only you can answer whether you've reached yours and if it is just time to cut your losses and move on. All this time you're investing, would it be better spent elsewhere, perhaps on somebody who would better appreciate it? I think you need to be make the hard decision and just walk away or perhaps give this guy an ultimatum otherwise it sounds like things could just drag on indefinitely...

[tattoobunnie]

Hmmm...timing...do you think I should wait till after this weekend, or there's no time like the present...I really want the dog too.

[adviseseeker]

I think you should lower your expectations of how fast things should go, let them fold out on his pace - one thing I think men hate the most is having their girlfriend want things to happen faster than what they're ready for. You've already seen a progression from 'lets breakup' to 'I love you and need you', I think that's a really good start. Just because things are going slow doesn't mean he can't ever give you what you need, right? I'd say lean back for now, if you're not feeling quite right about it I'd say that talking about it is not a good idea - if you can just detach yourself slightly then he might even start stepping up to the plate more and you'll either get what you need or not, but it saves you from making a mistake in the long run. It's been seven months which is quite a while, but also think of it as building up a new and better relationship in only seven months after a breakup...not bad right? I know I would kill to be where you're at right now, but I understand where the frustration is coming from and I hope that if I ever make it to that point I will have people calming me down as well! This is if he's worth it of course....

 

I'd like to add that I think ultimatums are a really bad idea IMO

[tattoobunnie]

Well...I wouldn't call it exactly a progression...more like a roller-coaster ride. One month it's all "bad timing", other months, it's because we both have issues, in the beginning it was let's see how it goes...

 

The person that he was in the relationship was worth it...this guy now...it's so-so. I don't plan to give him an ultimatum. I don't really need to. I already know his answer, and after all this time, if he wanted to be with me, he would be. I just want more in my life. I want stability, monogamy, a give and take relationship.

 

I was ready to let go a month ago, but we planned this trip, so I stuck around thinking it'll be great...then I met the puppy...and that kinda keeps me around.

 

I want a committed partnership. And with my ex in the picture, my focus just stays with him. I think I just wanna move on.

[Casmut]

Tattoo, your situation sounds a lot like the one i had to deal with. 7 months is a long time and i know how hard things might have been in that time. Its easy to fall back for the person you once felt so much love for, but often i hear that you reach a point where you feel things just won't be right and don't feel right. It sounds like you are coming to the realization that he can't offer you what you really want, that or sub-consciously you know you can do better.

 

I would take some time and really think about what you want to do with your future Tattoo, take the time to sit back and really think long and hard about the whole situation. At the same time, i'd suggest you distance yourself just a little. Being in limbo is terrible, and if things don't seem to be going the way you hope..do what you can to get out of limbo, trust me..its not fun. Took me nearly 6 months.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think this says it all. I remember that you were pretty much ready to move on before this trip but you stuck around in hopes it would get better. I think if you don't cut the cord now and walk away it will always be one more thing...the family plans... the puppy...something will come up after that and if he's not the man you fell in love with or the man you ultimately want to be with then really as harsh as it sounds you're just using him right now. You know he's not what you want or need.

 

I think you are ready and you need to just walk away...the family plans will be fine without him and if you don't get this puppy there will be another. You don't absolutely need him for your happiness and you never really did (I hope you see that).

[BobbyC]

Your emotions seem to be all over the place, much like a roller coaster. Slow down. You said things seemed to have progressed. Really think things through before making any decisions.

 

You said you're not sure if it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship or something more. Have you asked him that specifically? And why would a puppy be a sticking point? Do you need him to help you adopt it?

[tattoobunnie]

Well...I left out one important statement he made on Saturday. Even though he backed it with he's been hurt before and scared...he told me I'm might be wasting my time. Though, I've been feeling this way, thinking of walking away, for the past month.

 

His tenant is the one that works for the shelter, and was the only one from the litter that didn't get snatched up. So my ex is kinda facilitating the adoption process. And in hanging out with it more than a few times, I really do want the dog.

[tattoobunnie]

I dunno...I sometimes do go back and forth. Right now as I'm even writing this post, and reading other suggestions, I think maybe I should sleep on it. But I know, I'll just wind up changing my mind, only to keep coming back to the same mindset. Then the next day, becomes next month, and the next.

 

I think the hardest part about being in limbo and wanting to get out of it, you are plague with the what ifs. The only thing one can do to combat the what ifs, is to just walk away.

 

And yes...I could talk about it to him...just so talked out. I've said so many good-byes to him...I think I wanna just send a letter and be done.

 

ARGHHHH...maybe I should at least wait till Sunday?

 

No...he's moving...not like super far away...gotta just do it.

[tattoobunnie]

So my ex knows something is up...he sends me a text last night asking "are you mad at me for something." I just didn't feel like talking, so I replied, "got a lot on my mind."

 

He asks me if I wanted to talk. Instead, I went to take a shower, then replied back, "not tonight, wanna veg out for a bit, thanks though."

 

I don't have anymore energy to beat a dead horse anymore...or write the letter. Or Call...Wow...it is true...people have a breaking point.

[LoveSoDeep]

Yes, it is true. Everyone has a breaking point. Actually it's good that you recognize yours.

 

It's okay to feel like you need some time and you don't feel like talking about it now...but this guy does deserve an explanation so please even if it is just a letter...have the decency to offer him some closure and then move on, and this time don't look back.

[tattoobunnie]

Yeah...I know. Right now, it's translating in my head that he should already know. I spent 7 months being upfront about things. I know that by telling him, I would actually have to commit to it.

 

Like anything, once you say it, you can't take it back.

 

But this is good...I want something, know what it is, and gonna stop looking in the trash can for it.

[tattoobunnie]

This is what I wanna write...it's nasty, how I feel...man...I guess after this...can't really stay on this board.

 

I spent a lot of time in the beginning thinking I was the bad guy trying to make amends. So, I stuck around trying to work things out on your terms.

 

And now, with the way you are, how I am…it’s been a wash for a long while. I have a breaking point just like everybody else, and you’ve managed to find it.

 

Any person who has the nerve to tell me I’m wasting my time and doesn’t know what he wants is a waste of my time, and I have no interest in being the constant sounding board for your pity-party.

 

I want a solid, monogamous relationship grounded in reality. And since you don’t want to share that with me, I want to move on.

[diamond78]

I think it's absolutely perfect and I encourage you to send it and stick to it.

 

You are making yourself perfectly clear and if he wants on board, then he'll let you know even if it's later on down the road.

 

I have thrown a similar gauntlet down several times with my Ex and he always managed to slip back in, but with the same "I can't commit to you right now" mentality and yet still wanting us to act like a full-blown couple.

 

I just very recently threw down the gauntlet hard and I think it's going to stick this time. I must admit it's a hard pill to swallow knowing that it's for real this time....but in the end I know I'll be better off for it because either:

 

1)He will finally wake up and let go of his fear of commitment or 2) I will move on to much better things.

 

Either way, I can't lose with that outcome right? The same would apply to you....It is absolutely heartwrenching staying in a forever-limbo situation. You are control of your future....Make it happen.

[tattoobunnie]

So...I called him yesterday, told him all about what I was thinking, and he had nothing to say, other than, "I wasn't prepared for this conversation. And I don't think I'm a douche."

 

It was quick.

 

Then, this morning, he texted me about a product special we had talked about a week ago. I just replied with a thx.

 

So, time to keep on trucking. Running a marathon tomorrow, and going on a road trip.

 

Well...I don't feel any better or worse. It is what it is. Taking a risk in pursuit of my own happiness, finding what I want by clearing a path for it. The security blanket is gone. I've been in a full-blown relationship into another for the past three years, and its weird to think that the room I made for drama now has to be filled by something else, something just for me. And in a flash, I think of a combination of things...Of being a spinster, a success, a failure, & indifference.

 

And even though I told him the man I loved wasn't long gone, I still love him, and I miss him. But it doesn't really matter. He may love me, and misses me, but ultimately, I need more.

[LoveSoDeep]

I'm glad to hear you talked about it. It kinda sounds like he's in a bit of denial. He probably thinks that this has happened so many times before that this is going be the same and you'll be coming back to him again soon. So be strong and keep yourself busy...although it sounds like you won't have a problem with keeping busy!

 

Good luck on your marathon!

[uhohlala]

The security blanket is gone. I've been in a full-blown relationship into another for the past three years, and its weird to think that the room I made for drama now has to be filled by something else, something just for me. And in a flash, I think of a combination of things...Of being a spinster, a success, a failure, & indifference.

 

Yes -- but you're seeing clearly and you haven't compromised your integrity. The future is all on you. Which is scary, but totally within your abilities.

[tattoobunnie]

Thanks everybody!

 

I wanted to leave a final note on this situation. I love this site, and the people here. Even though I beat people up sometimes, there's always a lesson or insight to be learned or shared from everyone...the truth can be a hard pill to swallow, but it tests your instincts, how you truly feel, and making choices. So I mean well...and everyone else does too.

 

Last night I was talking to a good friend. Her story, the relationship, is beautiful...but it wasn't always that way. After 4 years of great love, battles, and him not being able to commit, many inconsiderations on his part, lies, and her threatening to leave by packing, unpacking for a whole year. She finally did it. Something for herself. She moved out, lived life, and starting dating someone else. One month into it, she asked him to bring over something she needed. Her then ex came over crying. All the while he had been sending her "miss/love you" texts. Instead of turning him away, she said, "let's figure it out."

 

But she also kept strong, and focused on herself, lived her life, and did not give in. She gave the other guy a shot. While in the meantime, her ex became night into day; utter devotion and sweetness. It wasn't until 5 months, when she felt strongly that her ex was the one, and he really became a great man to her, she ended things with the other guy. A few months later, they got engaged. And in a few months, I will be joining them as part of the wedding party as they get married.

 

Now of course that story is probably a great one to stay in the state of denial, cuz it's rare, and it's awesome. There's just something to be said about doing what is right for you. Believing and trusting in yourself. Not dwelling on what you could have done, or said differently...it's in the past. And going forward.

 

Making a commitment to yourself to not settle; and opening your eyes wide enough to see. No one makes you less or more than you are. It's always you, your power. You are whole, complete, and perfect. Games, strategies, plots are just draining, and ungenuine. The person who loves you, even if you come off as needy as your crying, will still look at you, and love you.

 

You can't force a reconciliation. Two people have to just want it.

 

If the person doesn't realize how awesome you are, it's their loss. And if you made a mess of things, go clean it up.

[uncomfynumb]

Any person who has the nerve to tell me I’m wasting my time and doesn’t know what he wants is a waste of my time, and I have no interest in being the constant sounding board for your pity-party.

 

I want a solid, monogamous relationship grounded in reality. And since you don’t want to share that with me, I want to move on.

 

A rather harsh way to handle someone's honesty don't you think?

 

I understand your frustration but this is what you chose for yourself after he broke up with you. You did not accept the breakup, you tried to change it by doing the "friends" thing.

 

That aside, why should this guy commit when he gets friendship and sex? He is getting everything he wants and needs, what more is he going to get if he gives more?

 

I hope it is easier for you to let go and move on this time.

[tattoobunnie]

A rather harsh way to handle someone's honesty don't you think?

 

I understand your frustration but this is what you chose for yourself after he broke up with you. You did not accept the breakup, you tried to change it by doing the "friends" thing.

 

That aside, why should this guy commit when he gets friendship and sex? He is getting everything he wants and needs, what more is he going to get if he gives more?

 

I hope it is easier for you to let go and move on this time.

 

I didn't wanna be his friend. And we weren't. And aren't now. Oh man...are you only here to put more nails into what is already a nailed coffin?

 

Great

[uncomfynumb]

I didn't wanna be his friend. And we weren't. And aren't now. Oh man...are you only here to put more nails into what is already a nailed coffin?

 

Great

 

You titled this thread "bring on opinions" so I gave you mine. I guess it wasn't what you wanted to hear.

 

So he broke up with you and you stayed in contact but you were not friends, I guess you were lovers? It really doesn't matter what you call it, he can't give you now what you wanted then. Sure it is frustrating but you can't really be angry with him about it for the choice that you made.