A HELPING HAND FOR ALL THOSE IN PAIN

[spaceandtime]

This is just a note to those who are really hurting from a recent break up.

 

I know what you are going through. Self questioning, hurt, anger at being messed around, sadness, a roller coaster of different emotions, can't stop thinking, analysing, blaming yourself, wanting to be strong but wanting to call them, considering an "open relationship" or ANYTHING that means you can have some semblance of them in your life, crying etc.

 

I know because 7 months ago I thought I WAS GOING TO DIE. I was holding my heart on the floor shouting 'please someone make the pain go away' -- wondering if there would ever be an end to it all. Hoping, preying to god. But thinking 'this is it' I'll never get through this.

 

Well - amazingly, astonishingly, YOU WILL. You ride the train for as long as it takes BUT YOU DO GET THERE. Eventually feelings settle, you grow, you learn more about yourself, you figure where you went wrong, you appreciate new things in life that are beautiful and magical, you find new talents in yourself that you never know you had.

 

All I can offer advice wise for you all:

 

1. NO CONTACT - Not for the sake of clinging on to getting back together though. That is frequently posted on this site as the reason which is wrong (because that is just a mindgame with probably more pain waiting down the line). No contact is a means of dealing with the hurt, finding yourself, clearing the emotions and getting on with your life. And no contact is that. No contact. No exceptions. This is where most people fall down. You're in shock and pain - don't make it worse by having people who undermine your feelings waltzing in and out of your life in regular intervals.

 

2. CRY - Keep crying. Cry as much you want. Cry now. Get it out. Make yourself cry if you have to. Keep crying. Cry until you have nothing left in you. You'll keep crying for months if necessary. That's OK. Your heart is unloading its burden and healing. Crying is good. Listen to all the music you used to share and cry, cry, cry, cry (boys too - this is the one time where you are allowed to and even your best friend in the football team will understand. Don't be repressed about it. CRY!)

 

3. TALK - Talk about it as much as you want but try not to OVER-ANALYSE everything. (Something's just don't make sense at all) Talk as much as you feel you need to. But if you can sense your chums getting slightly fed up ("that's the 156th time we're hearing about this....") then just write those feelings down.

THEN agree a point with yourself where your not going to talk or write or think about it anymore (can be around a month or two after the break up) and DON'T. The chances are you still will - but that's OK - at least you're taking steps towards not talking about it. You can even try putting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it each time you find yourself thinking about it. Or talking about it. It helped me (sort of) partly cause it consciously makes you aware that you are thinking about it and that's a good thing.

 

4. BE CREATIVE - Yes, there are times when you'll be lying on the floor in total pain, but other times where your emotions will give you some leeway. So use that time to be creative - draw, paint, write poetry, splash paints all over the place. I'm not asking for Wordsworth or Van Gough. Just try expressive stuff through any kind of art.

Also, try and focus that energy into something else other than the actual relationship (e.g. rather than a flow chart diagram of the breakup try and paint something on the larger theme of loss - this way you are being creative while also moving on). The best thing about being creative is that you have something cool to show for the breakup (I watched the film I shot during the time called Letting Go. It made absolutely no sense to anyone else, but moved me in terms of its beauty and poignancy of a particular time in my life)

 

5. MEDITATE - Slow yourself down. Sit down. Shut your eyes. Learn to slow down your thoughts - there are lots of good books and sites on meditation. It makes you feel like a deeper person and replenishes your self awareness at a time in which it has been robbed from you.

 

6. EXERCISE - Get fresh air. Give yourself the best chance of recovery. Don't push it. But try and keep yourself together as much as possible even if you're just walking the dog, going for a walk.

 

7. WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE - It will make you see that there are other things than just the boy or girl you've lost. Think broadly. My list extended over 75 things over the course of 5 months healing time. And I'm on number 28. Number 29 is Skydiving and I'm slightly scared about that one now! I did some god damn amazing things - flew to the Caribbean and sat on a beach, learnt to shoot films, ice skate, ski EVERYTHING.

 

8. GET IN TOUCH WITH OLD FRIENDS - Yes remember there was that kid at class in 3rd grade you used to get on with so well? What the hell happened to him? Now is the time to find out - research, contact and get in touch with him. It takes your mind off the pain. Think of other things that make you happy and how you can achieve them (getting in touch with old friends was good for me)

 

9. PRAY - Yes. Faith. God. He will get you through because HE loves you (even if that little ratbag who messed up your life doesn't). Find a bible, the Baghvad Gita, a Tora, sit in a quiet church, just lie in bed and have your own conversation with god. It doesn't matter. God is there. God loves you.

 

10. GET ON THIS SITE - We dream to heal your wounds, but we bleed ourselves. We love you. People here want to help each other and KNOW what you are going through (unlike that little rascal who's just messed up your entire world!)

 

11. GET HELP IF YOU FEEL YOU CAN'T COPE - There's nothing wrong with that. You are experiencing depth of emotion. You are alive, and thereforeeee a fit, fighting human being. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone and getting help with it if you feel you are struggling too much.

 

12. PUT HEADPHONES ON AND BLAST MUSIC - It fills your mind and touches your soul. Just don't put on soppy love tunes cause they suck. Instead find some amazing music that is uplifting and touching.

 

ABOVE ALL REMEMBER, you WILL get through this. I promise you will. Just have faith and strength and courage in yourself and you will pull through. Life is magical - sometimes we need some challenges in our life to really make us see that. Guaranteed when you do come through this, you will be more compassionate, in-tune with yourself, the world and people than the stupid person who decided that they didn't need you anymore.

 

 

Good luck with it!

[earthfairy]

This is beautiful advice. Thank you for sharing it with us, it means a lot.

[Ated]

wow!!! hehe im copying this and sending it around in an e-mail? is that ok??

 

it really is helpful! Long but REALLY worth reading !!

[heartbroken_f]

This message was really helpful and I couldn't have found it at a better time. About 7 months ago, I too ended a friendship with someone who was very dear to me and it almost ruined my way of life. We were friends but oddly more than friends and because a lot of emotion was involved, the no contact thing was necessary on my side when he broke the trust.

 

I have since tried to recover and like you said, move on with life. But sometimes there are good times and sometimes there are bad times. For the most part, it's ok but then there are occasions when songs come on the radio and they remind you of a time once passed or you meet someone who shares the same name and you think back to the person you loved.

 

Heart break is not something you can entirely get over - even when the person you love was behind the heartbreak. What I have found is that you can never really get over true love and even if you do find somebody new, they will never really measure up to the person who stole your heart. The only reason why I would seek companionship is because one can never live alone and you cannot remain hinged on something that can never be.

 

I will forever live with a broken heart but always search for ways to alleviate the hurt associated with heartbreak. That is what has brought me here to this site, and knowing that others are going through what I'm going through, eases the pain even if its just by a little bit.

 

Take care everyone and keep the posts going.

[spaceandtime]

You're absolutely right HBF - it never fully goes away. But that's why you have to push yourself to grow and change in order to deal with that fact. Where you become heartbroken, you lose someone but you also find new depths within yourself - compassion, sensitivity to others, emotional depth and that's what is so amazing about it.

[gemmy]

I have been on both sides of it. I have had to end a relationship that hurt someone so badly. He would call me and call me and cry over the phone. I was making it so much worse by sitting on the phone with him and letting him cry and ask questions. Now, it's my turn, AGAIN, to go through the heartbreak. I totally understand both sides of it all and I honestly don't know what is worse. No matter what, we cannot give up on life or love. It is natural to fall in love with others and we can't stop it b/c of a bad experience. I guess I'm just in limbo over what to do next about my relationship. It's possibly coming to an end, but there is hopefully still a chance it may work. I do know I love him and miss him. He will be so hard to get over.

[murrayfaces]

SpaceandTime:

I don't think anyone could have said it any better. Especially the part about talking, but not overanalyzing everything.

 

I am going to try the rubberband on the wrist thing. I have been looking for a way to give myself a physical reminder when I'm dwelling on the past, and I think I may have found one.

 

I think one of the overall messages in your post can be summed up as people having to take control of their own lives, and their own handling of their loss. Passively letting life happen because you're caught up in the breakup will not benefit your life in any way.

[Belle]

Space,

 

thanks so much for the post. It's been two months for me and although I know my ex still wants me, I know I have to move on because his pride and fear are preventing him from moving forward. I can't wait around for someone who doesn't want to work at a relationship. Especially when I'm fighting so hard to learn to be the best person I can be.

 

I have often wondered how long it would take, and I'm so impatient with my own recovery. I feel like I should be completely over it. But when I take a look at how I was doing 3 weeks ago, 6 weeks ago, I know that what you say is true. I am healing. Every day. And by god, there will be another love that is truer and more capable of hanging in there. Whose words and actions will correspond and not be smoke and mirrors.

 

To everyone who is trying to move on, hats off. I wish you all the best.

 

Belle

[heartbroken_f]

Space and Time,

The difficult thing is forcing myself to change and adapt to life without this person. For so long, I relied on this person because he was always there for me and always knew how to guide me in the right direction.

 

Now that this person is no longer there - I feel lost...Like a ship in the sea with no lighthouse. There is no one there to soften the blow and there is no one there to offer me emotional support whenever things don't go the way I expect. This person became a habit without me even being aware of it and now it is extremely difficult to depend on myself in every single situation I face. I loved him with all my heart and soul and It's hard to look inside and find the qualities that make me strong when this person was my source of strength...

[spaceandtime]

HBF, It IS hard. No one's denying that. You have to look deep within yourself, find courage and gradually work through feelings. The thing is, it DOES take time, but EVENTUALLY it does happen. Things do get, not better, but different. And you come through. Just never stop believing that you will, and remember everyone is here for you.

[heartbroken_f]

Thanks Space and Time. I just wish I could know when I will get through all this extreme pain because it's paralysing most things in my life. I don't have the motivation to meet new people and if I do, I can't trust them. I never used to have this problem before, but now when I meet someone I automatically think 'They're too good to be true. I trusted someone before and let them know exactly how I felt and they walked all over me. So I'm very cautious and I'm afraid that no matter how cautious I am - someone will end up hurting me just like I've been hurt before. How much time needs to pass before I can open myself up to someone again?

[spaceandtime]

It's difficult. There are conflicting issues. I guess, yes you will never really trust someone fully until you get together with them and they surprise you, because until then you are always carrying your past hurts with you.

 

There is no saying how long things will take. It will take as long as it takes for someone new to walk into your life and render the memories of times gone by. But to do that you have to work towards healing within yourself first.

 

Hang in there - and concentrate on the world around you, it's beautiful.

 

 

-------------------------------

'We live in a beautiful world, we do, we do....' Coldplay

[heartbroken_f]

Thank you for your words of support and encouragement. I really appreciate it. Hopefully what you say will come true. I can't wait for the day that someone loving and honest walks into my life and surprises me with how genuine they are. It'd be a dream come true...

[spaceandtime]

Good things come to those who wait....

[heartbroken_f]

LOL. Now you made me laugh. I have heard that phrase so many times before...