Update on giving 100%

[KG]

Having read all the posts, and a long discussion with 2 other widowers, I've come to the conclusion that I need to keep the memories of my late wife private, and concentrate on my relationship with my G/F.

 

Though I thought that being honest and open was a good idea, I realize that I am shooting myself in the foot. What's past is past, and I have to live in the here and now. And she is my "here and now".

 

I took down the pic, and moved it to the other room. I put up the pic of my G/F.

 

I'm moving ahead.

 

Thank you all for the support. You were right. This feels better.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is not just about going through the motions and keeping it private...it is also about truly moving on in private as well. In other words, being 100% with your current gf even when you are alone. Your late wife will always be present within you, but if you want to be with another partner, your late wife has to be on the way back burner of your mind so that your current girlfriend is the 100% on your mind. I have seen a lot of posts on this forum from people who are in relationships and they think everything is going well...the thing is they don't realize that their partner is hung up on the ex, because the partner does everything that a partner should do...outwardly...affectionate, caring, always there etc...BUT...in the privacy of the partner's mind, the partner's heart is elsewhere. That is devastating to the one who loves and thought the partner was 100% on board. It is not enough to act....the feelings also have to be 100% on board...even when alone. Your current gf is the only one you should be missing when she leaves, she is the only one you should be thinking of with longing. If you have a mish mash of longing fluctuating between your current gf and your late wife, then you really are not ready to be in a relationship (in my opinion).

[turnaroundmyway]

I'm sure it wasn't easy to put the photo away, but I'm also sure your girlfriend will feel better. She will likely feel better seeing the great progress you're making. All the Best to the both of you!

[DN]

I think that is a great step for you KG - well done.

[jengh]

I think this was a good move and a step in the right direction. Proud of you. I know it's not easy.

[Taikero]

I think this will help you be able to move forward and give of yourself completely to those who care for you today. You don't have to forget the past, but you can't live for it.

 

Kudos on recognizing things which needed to change and acting on them. I think it will be good you did this in the long term.

[Jd1983]

Congrats on taking the initiative. I know it must have been difficult.

 

I'm sure your girlfriend would really appreciate this as well.

[sidehop]

I'm glad to hear you're moving forward towards the future KG. Best wishes to you.

[Miss Firecracker]

Yes, the photos should be put away if you have a new love. That was a very smart move. I would put them all in a safe place, where the girlfriend will not have to look at them. Another room is a start, but hopefully in the future you will put them in a place that she will never have to see them. Then you can always take them out an look at them when you are alone. I never get my mom's photos out because I don't need them to remember her.

[KG]

I'm not "going through the motions." This is something that I have to do, and am doing. Having never been a widower before, it's all new to me. Having not dated for 30 years, that's new too.

However, it seems a bit harsh on your part to ask me not to be thinking of my wife with longing. Having spent that part of my life with her, building a household together, having and raising a child together. Am I supposed to just stuff that in a drawer and walk away?

[FarthestEdge]

I'm not "going through the motions." This is something that I have to do, and am doing. Having never been a widower before, it's all new to me. Having not dated for 30 years, that's new too.

However, it seems a bit harsh on your part to ask me not to be thinking of my wife with longing. Having spent that part of my life with her, building a household together, having and raising a child together. Am I supposed to just stuff that in a drawer and walk away?

 

No, of course you're not. You can't and IMO, you shouldn't.

 

But you do want to get to a place where you can think of her and smile, be grateful for what you had with her, and yet remain in the present and not 'miss' her so much as 'remember' her. Compartmentalize that time in your life, similar to how one reflects on their childhood, or youth.

 

But I've not been widowed, so I'm shooting into the dark. But here are 2 thoughts that might help guide you:

 

1) What would you want your son to do, if he were in your position. How would you want him to move forward while still honoring the memory of his late wife? Put him in your shoes, and imagine your wish for him.. that might help guide you to what you need to do to balance the emotions you have to balance.

 

2) What would you have wanted your wife to do, had it been you who was lost, and not her? Again, put her in your shoes and imagine your wish for her.

 

I think we can all tell you what we think you should do, but you have suffered an extrodinary loss, and how you find peace, move forward, and build a new happy life depends entirely on what your values tell you is right.

 

I hope something in there helps.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm not "going through the motions." This is something that I have to do, and am doing. Having never been a widower before, it's all new to me. Having not dated for 30 years, that's new too.

However, it seems a bit harsh on your part to ask me not to be thinking of my wife with longing. Having spent that part of my life with her, building a household together, having and raising a child together. Am I supposed to just stuff that in a drawer and walk away?

 

Which is exactly the reason why she says she feels she is #2. If you want to mourn, that is your right...but know that whether you mourn outwardly or inwardly, the new person in your life will pick up vibes and will know that they are not number one in your heart. Those are the facts. I am not trying to be harsh, I am just saying what she has already spelled out to you. You can disguise it all you want by no longer being open about it, but what is going on in your heart she will be able to feel and sense at some point. People can sense when the other person is not 100% on board no matter what their outward actions are.

[avman]

KG I've been watching your posts and I think this is a huge important step for you. It is not easy to move on I know, but it is an important step in your healing.

 

You should feel very good about this. You will never forget your wife. And nobody is asking you to (at least I hope they are not). But it is important to remember that you still have a life to live. And going on in that life with someone who makes you happy is a normal healthy thing.

[Hermes]

How can you not remember your wife, KG. You would be a very strange person if you didn't. Also, your wife is NOT

[HouseKitten]

Good to hear about this KG. I've read a lot of your posts and I hope your girlfriend appreciates the effort you're trying to make.

[Hermes]

.../to continue

Your wife is NOT an "ex". She is deceased person, and grieving can take a while. It does not have a timeline. If your girlfriend is understanding then she will know this. After 30 years you cannot just forget your wife. The brain is not a machine where a memory can be erased.

 

Hermes

[Shortpants]

I love poetry, and found this to fit...

 

Death always seems so sudden,

And it is always sure,

But what is oft' forgotten-

It is not without a cure.

 

 

There may be times you miss me,

I sort of hope you do,

But smile when you think of me,

For I'll be waiting for you.

 

 

Now there's many things for you to do,

And lots of ways to grow,

So get busy, be happy,and live your life,

Miss me, but let me go.

 

 

Like Avman said, you will never forget your wife, all your years together, the child you created out of your love... Moving on is not forgetting, it is living your life and honoring your wife's memory. I'm pretty sure she would want you to be happy and fulfilled KG.

 

[Crazyaboutdogs]

.../to continue

Your wife is NOT an "ex". She is deceased person, and grieving can take a while. It does not have a timeline. If your girlfriend is understanding then she will know this. After 30 years you cannot just forget your wife. The brain is not a machine where a memory can be erased.

 

Hermes

 

Feelings are feelings...you can't say one is more/less important or more/less valid. An ex, a deceased person...it all comes out to the same thing when dating someone new when the heart is still 50% with the person who is no longer around for whatever reason. I realize I am the odd person out on this..but I have always had an issue when people embark on any relationship when they are still very much emotionally tied to a previous relationship be it an ex or someone who died. It does not do justice to the new person. I don't think it is a matter of being understanding...you can be fully understanding of someone's pain and grief while still not wanting to be number 2. I understand grief and mourning...but I also feel badly for the person who is with someone whose heart is divided so that they don't have the person's full heart. In order to have someone's full heart the past has to be let go. That is not to say that you ever forget about the deceased...but you remember the deceased fondly with a smile rather than with this huge empty ache.

[KG]

but you remember the deceased fondly with a smile rather than with this huge empty ache.

 

It's not a huge empty ache. It is a feeling of mourning, remembrance, and love.

[Dako]

KG,

 

You're a strong man to come so far.

It's hard to step away from a long history and move ahead, but you can do it!

[KG]

KG,

 

You're a strong man to come so far.

It's hard to step away from a long history and move ahead, but you can do it!

 

Thanks old friend! One foot in front of the other!

[DN]

Actually, I think this proves that you really don't understand about mourning a partner, at least not from the perspective of someone like KG.

 

It isn't about the new love being #2 or replacing #1 or having a heart divided. Emotions are far more complicated and accommodating than that.

 

Loving someone new doesn't mean the love one had for a deceased partner is displaced or forgotten. A heart can grow to accommodate both. Provided one realises that the present and the future belong to the living then the past can be remembered with love and affection.

 

It isn't a competition.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Actually, I think this proves that you really don't understand about mourning a partner, at least not from the perspective of someone like KG.

 

It isn't about the new love being #2 or replacing #1 or having a heart divided. Emotions are far more complicated and accommodating than that.

 

Loving someone new doesn't mean the love one had for a deceased partner is displaced or forgotten. A heart can grow to accommodate both. Provided one realises that the present and the future belong to the living then the past can be remembered with love and affection.

 

It isn't a competition.

 

I don't think people are really understanding what I am getting at. Plenty of widows/widowers spend years without a partner until they are in a place where their heart is free to love again..where they are not thinking mournfully of the late partner after intimate moments or time spent with the new partner. I have never mourned a partner but that doesn't mean my insights are less valuable. I come from a very different perspective from most people on this forum because I don't encourage dating when the heart is still in pieces over someone else be it through bereavement or break up. That is my perspective on when it is proper and not proper to date. i don't believe it is horrible to be alone for a few years while sorting through grief over the end of a relationship, however it ends. I have seen women who have been widows for 5 + years before dating someone else and I am sure they are very lonely as well. It is lonely being single, no doubt about it...but it is brutal on the person who loves someone whose heart is torn in pieces over someone else. It is not about a competition...it is about being on the same playing field...being in the same reality...the love shared between two people in the here and now...not one person having a heart torn between two people.

[DN]

If KG were at that stage you may have a point. But I don't believe he is. And missing someone to whom you were married is very different if the separation is due to bereavement as opposed to divorce. I just don't agree that it is always a matter of a heart being torn in two. That is a simplistic misunderstanding of what spousal love and bereavement is about because that love doesn't die or fade away - it is just put into context.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If KG were at that stage you may have a point. But I don't believe he is. And missing someone to whom you were married is very different if the separation is due to bereavement as opposed to divorce. I just don't agree that it is always a matter of a heart being torn in two. That is a simplistic misunderstanding of what spousal love and bereavement is about because that love doesn't die or fade away - it is just put into context.

 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this. The bottom line is that what I am saying is actually what KG's girlfriend has been feeling..and that is what really matters..the vibes she is getting...she is the one in the relationship and feeling hurt and that is a perfectly normal reaction when one is sitting on the other side trying to be in a relationship with someone who is still very much deep in the grieving process. I am looking at things from her perspective.