How would you feel about being 2nd choice?

[GarnetRed]

I'm just curious about what other folks would think of this. So, in my social group of friends there is this guy who obviously fancies me. I'm not interested in dating him, but we have a lot in common and we have a good time hanging out, so I can see why he might like me.

 

But here's the rub: he was pursuing one of the other girls in our social group before me. Having been a recent move, I came in to the picture not too long after he started pursuing her, so I was aware of this, and certainly saw his efforts, which eventually failed when this other girl got involved with someone else.

 

At which point I guess he moved his attentions to me. Our mutual friends think this is cute, but I can't help but feel a bit annoyed at only suddenly being interesting after this other girl is out of the dating pool. (Not to mention the fact that she's a fair bit more attractive than I am)

 

I don't like the idea of being a second choice to anyone, especially since we're well past high school/college days where I might have let it slide. So I have to admit it bothers me a bit when he gets all sweet on me, or when a mutual friend makes a joke about us dating.

 

Is it just me who would feel like this? I don't have any malice about the situation, I just feel a bit insulted- a sort of "good enough" kind of feeling.

[OntheWire]

I'm not interested in dating him

 

I think that says it all. I'm not top choice by a lot of people I have no interest in dating. If you're not going after something, then what's it matter where you rank?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He started pursuing her first before you even entered the group...before you really got to know him. After she was out of the picture he had a chance to get to know you better so he pursued you. He didn't pursue the others in the group. he chose you. Not sure why that is so bad.

[DN]

I don't see why this is so bad either. I think you are seeing this a little oddly to be honest.

[Keyman]

Would it have been better if he had started showing interested in you while he was pursuing this other girl?

[GarnetRed]

Well, when she's around he still lights up and get all puppy-eyed. It actually took me a while to catch on he was interested in me because that's what I saw when we all hung out.

 

I guess I'm just the sort where I'm only interested in one person at a time. I don't particularly like feeling as if I'm only really interesting when she's not around.

[Lucius]

I think I'd be feeling pretty lukewarm about it myself.

 

Not that any of this even matters if you're "not interested in dating him".

[ToF]

Eh, I can see this bothering me too. It's nice to know that someone is interested in you, and to be honest it's really flattering to know that there is someone who wants to date you. So I guess to know that you're not the first one on his mind could be a little bit annoying.

 

I do wonder if you might be interested in him just a little? Has he asked you out before or made any obvious passes at you?

[DN]

It would be nice if you locked eyes with someone and sparks flew and you got together as a result. And that can and sometimes does happen. But sometimes it takes a while to realise the attraction you may have for someone and if there is a previous attraction still in the picture it can confuse things even more.

 

What is really important is whether an attraction lasts - not how it first manifested itself.

 

But i am not sure why this is an issue if you are not interested in him?

[MakestheBest]

if he met you both at the same time and pursued her first then I might be annoyed. But if he had been in pursuit of her before he met you, I wouldn't be offended. I WOULD tease him and give him a hard time about it. But you shouldnt be offended by it. Initial attraction is not a big deal at all. There are a million beautiful women and handsome men in the world. I really wouldnt let it bother me...that is if you were actually interested in him. If you're not then like others were saying " who cares ".

[GarnetRed]

We've gone out alone together, but I didn't think it was a date. But then he tried to buy me dinner and I was like, um, did I get tricked into a date here? (I think if you want to go on a DATE with someone, you ask them out on a DATE, otherwise, we're just hanging out as two friends)

 

I do think it's a bit of a shame because he's the closest thing to a guy I'd actually like to date I've met in a long time, but he's almost obsessively accomodating and passive to the point where it's unheathly. (I mean, if I wanted something that followed on my heels and did everything I told it, I'd get a dog.)

 

It's not really an issue, I guess I just don't like the situation. I have this feeling like he's eventually gonna get the guts to actually ask me on a date or make a pass or whatever, and I'm going to want to blurt this bit out instead of using the lame but true "i only see you as a friend".

 

Okay, I guess my ego is just a little bruised here- i figure if a guy is going to pursue me (which has now been going on for a little while) I want to be the only girl in the room, as it were.

 

But truth is, I'm still pulling for him to get together with this other girl (they just seem to have that SOMETHING whenever they're together, it's a real shame).

[erina]

Why are you not interested in dating him? If he never pursued that other girl, would you feel differently? The way you are looking at this is a bit insecure. I am sure you were interested in other guys before you met him so why would you think that he was not interested in other women before you?

[glegend]

I don't see anything wrong with this either. You say you joined the group, after all that happened. Things didn't work out for him with those two, and for some reason you caught his eye and he went for you.

 

If you're not interested in dating him, leave it at that. However, you should feel honored that he found/finds you attractive.

[GarnetRed]

It's not that he was interested in someone before me, it's more that he still seems gaga over the other girl WHILE pursuing me. I guess I find it a bit insulting- if someone is really interested in me then be interested in ME. Otherwise I just feel like I'm only interesting because I'm available, so the whole thing is in question from the start.

 

And let me just say I actually have been a "2nd choice" before and ended up being with they guy for a very long time, so I'm not saying it's always a bad thing. Certainly if I really was interested in the guy I very well might overlook this.

 

It is flattering, of course. But at the same time a bit insulting.

 

I just can't help but wanting to say to him sometimes "You obviously still fancy her a lot, and I've watched while you pursued her, so why would you think I'd jump when switched you attentions to me ONLY after she was no longer available? And what would make me think you'd do anything other than run back to her if she were to become single again sometime soon?"

 

Oh well, I guess it is what it is.

[Daligal83]

I think you are more interested in him than you admit, otherwise this wouldn't be bothering you so badly. I think saying you aren't is a way to protect yourself because you doubt his sincerity.

[GarnetRed]

I think you are more interested in him than you admit, otherwise this wouldn't be bothering you so badly. I think saying you aren't is a way to protect yourself because you doubt his sincerity.

 

I won't deny I've thought about it. Like I said, he's the closest thing to a guy I might be interested in I've met in a long time. If anything, it makes me a little sad that I don't like him more, because I will admit I'm very lonely. But he's too passive for me, too subservient, and that's a quality that honestly disgusts me. And when we hang out I'm usually ready to be rid of him after a few hours. That's not exactly how I want to feel around someone I'm dating.

[jessica911]

it sucks, but then it's ok in some ways.

 

my ex asked a girl out before me but she said no then he asked me, i didn't know anything until he told me once we been together for few months. it realllllllllly pissed me off, but then he said he doesnt care about her or anything and only want me, which it's sweet, but it's hard to get over that.

 

im not really over it now, but hey, we broke up. (been on and off for three years now)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You could also look at it this way....He saved the best for last!