Should I Be Over It By Now?

[Rob1000]

Seriously, I'm so annoyed with myself. It's like this last fortnight, I've taken a giant step backwards. It's over 13 months since my break up. I've come to accept that we're not together anymore. I don't even think it hurts anymore, but 5 years of memories, habits and associations are so deeply buried in my subconscious that I can't get past this. I cannot stop thinking about her.

 

Is this the latest process in my healing? Is it the next step where I'm weeding out the memories and associations and letting myself re-live them in order to let them go?

 

I'm out dating, talking to new women all the time and my confidence is booming, but my heart still pines for my ex in many ways even though my head knows the score. She's long gone, moved on and wants nothing to do with me any more. I can see everything clearly but my body and mind wont let this go. Memories, memories, memories. Man, I think I need therapy!!!

[quirky]

I had sometimes found that when I was hitting it off well with other guys I thought of my ex more. Maybe a feeling that you're fully letting go, maybe a slight subconscious comparison..it's all based on subliminal associations.

 

I think you're doing very well overall

[Rob1000]

I had sometimes found that when I was hitting it off well with other guys I thought of my ex more. Maybe a feeling that you're fully letting go, maybe a slight subconscious comparison..it's all based on subliminal associations.

 

I think you're doing very well overall

 

Quirky, I think you're awesome.. pity you're so far away!! Would love to have a coffee with you some time!!

[Shallow]

I'm out dating, talking to new women all the time and my confidence is booming

That's great progress right there. At our age, it's really difficult to "get back out there" as it were.

 

You're always going to have those memories, and you can actually use them to motivate you instead of them working to your disadvantage like they are now. Take those experiences with you, accept what you've lost, and move on. Again, it's not easy, but you've already made the first steps. The negative feelings will fade when you find someone "special".

[PandaEyes]

My mum described this to me in a really useful way. When I get really down and sad, it is usually a combination of "What if.." thinking and remembering all the great times we had and probably making them seem a little rosier than they were in reality. She described it as an echo, like a "feeling" echo. As in, in stead of hearing an echo, you are feeling an echo.

 

Its similar to a relapse if it was a drug addiction. thoughts and feelings can produce neurological responses that can become just as addictive as a substance that you'd put into your body. You are doing really well and have come this far with out dying - right?!

 

Are you still NC?

[lavenderdove]

Obsessive thoughts about a person can become a habit... get worn into a groove in the brain so to speak, where your brain is so used to going there, that it does it automatically.

 

One reason electroshock therapy works on depressed patients is it resets the brain like rebooting a computer. Not that you need that, but just an example to help you recognize you're locked in a loop thinking about her, and it has a strong literal/biochemical basis that you need to reset.

 

One of the best ways to do this is to practice thought stopping (google it) to reboot your brain. Every time a thought of her comes up, no matter how small, you need to immediately tell yourself STOP! and don't indulge the thought/memory. Allow yourself two periods of say 5 minutes a day each to think about her all you want, but if she pops up any other time, say STOP! and force yourself to do something different. It will be a struggle at first, but you will learn to channel those thoughts into those two 5 minute periods, until eventually you won't want/need to think about her at all.

 

When you get control of your thoughts, your emotions will eventually re-align with the reality of the situation, that she is no longer a part of your life anymore. But as long as you continue to allow your thoughts to dwell on her, then she feels alive to your emotions. So you can gain control of your thoughts, but you have to have a specific thought stopping plan and follow it, just like a work out plan or a savings plan or anything else you do to improve your life and health.

 

It is really that important to you to get her out of your thoughts, since those thoughts are holding you back, harming you etc.

[Rob1000]

My mum described this to me in a really useful way. When I get really down and sad, it is usually a combination of "What if.." thinking and remembering all the great times we had and probably making them seem a little rosier than they were in reality. She described it as an echo, like a "feeling" echo. As in, in stead of hearing an echo, you are feeling an echo.

 

Its similar to a relapse if it was a drug addiction. thoughts and feelings can produce neurological responses that can become just as addictive as a substance that you'd put into your body. You are doing really well and have come this far with out dying - right?!

 

Are you still NC?

Absolutely... I'm still here! Yeah in NC since I saw her for the first time at our mutual friends party almost 2 months ago.

 

Obsessive thoughts about a person can become a habit... get worn into a groove in the brain so to speak, where your brain is so used to going there, that it does it automatically.

 

One reason electroshock therapy works on depressed patients is it resets the brain like rebooting a computer. Not that you need that, but just an example to help you recognize you're locked in a loop thinking about her, and it has a strong literal/biochemical basis that you need to reset.

 

One of the best ways to do this is to practice thought stopping (google it) to reboot your brain. Every time a thought of her comes up, no matter how small, you need to immediately tell yourself STOP! and don't indulge the thought/memory. Allow yourself two periods of say 5 minutes a day each to think about her all you want, but if she pops up any other time, say STOP! and force yourself to do something different. It will be a struggle at first, but you will learn to channel those thoughts into those two 5 minute periods, until eventually you won't want/need to think about her at all.

 

When you get control of your thoughts, your emotions will eventually re-align with the reality of the situation, that she is no longer a part of your life anymore. But as long as you continue to allow your thoughts to dwell on her, then she feels alive to your emotions. So you can gain control of your thoughts, but you have to have a specific thought stopping plan and follow it, just like a work out plan or a savings plan or anything else you do to improve your life and health.

 

It is really that important to you to get her out of your thoughts, since those thoughts are holding you back, harming you etc.

I like that... STOP! I'm already using it... STOP! I'm going to try and keep it up. Thanks Lavender..

[fr0z3n]

Absolutely... I'm still here! Yeah in NC since I saw her for the first time at our mutual friends party almost 2 months ago.

 

I like that... STOP! I'm already using it... STOP! I'm going to try and keep it up. Thanks Lavender..

 

Or if you like naruto, say "release" to your self (like they say when they release themself or comrade from genjutsu)... Thats the word I'm saying once a thought of her came to my mind so it will stop immediately before I start to dwell and have a negative effect...