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Something bothers me about my boyfriend's personality...


anya85

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My boyfriend is great. I don't believe that he'd do anything to break my trust, honestly. But there's something about his personality that I'm unsure about. It's hard to describe--but he just seems like the type of person who wouldn't be happy with one woman. I know this makes no sense, but just his overall self, something about it throws me off. I can't quite pin point it, but deep down, I'm a little uncertain about him.

 

He's never serious, always joking about something, has very much a "party boy" persona, even in his late 20s, he's VERY crude with male friends(though I know most guys are), he watches excessive porn, has been with tons of women and has naked pictures of several on his computer, he has a ridiculously high sex drive. He has a very poor "girlfriend filter" and often blurts out whatever he's thinking with little or no thought to how I might perceive it. He has difficultly fending girls off who are interested in him because he "doesn't want to look like a ". He never gets made at ANYTHING, and therefore is horrible at judging what would make someone else, i.e. me, mad. It's just a combination of things. He has a way of turning small groups of perfectly well-behaved guys---guys he just met-- into perverted, foul mouthed laughter-fests. He just seems oblivious to things that I feel most people would understand right away.

 

He's a fun guy. Guys, especially, love him. Some women are a little put off by him. Sometimes I'm put off by him. Some of the things he does make me wonder. He's like every guy I've even known or dated before x100 on the crudeness factor. I don't think this is me being insecure--he's just very different from anyone I've ever met or dated before. He's an extremist.

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Even if he was completely faithful, some of the things you listed would bother me. =/

 

Do you think you could be with him if he was the same guy for the next 20 years?

 

Power to you if you can, but remember that he's a grown man and you can't expect adults to change, not for you or for kids (if you plan on having them). He's fun but is he someone stable for long term (if you want long term).

 

It all depends on what you want/need.

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Well, if some of his actions bother you, you should let him know about it. If he loves you and respects you, he'll tone it down. Some of the stuff he does kind of raises eyebrows. It seems like he got stuck in that party phrase and never really grew out of it. It all depends on what you really want. Do you really mind that he's like this, even in his late 20's? If you're ok with it, then keep stepping. But if you're worried how it's going to be like in the future, I would start talking to him about it.

 

I have to say, at his late 20's, he can still have fun without being as extreme as you're talking about, and he should definitely grow up a bit.

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Sorry, Anya, but he doesn't sound too "great" to me. What you describe as being "unsure" about is actually a whopping big red flag, i.e. your instinct telling you something is wrong with this person.

 

You say: " He just seems oblivious to things that I feel most people would understand right away."

 

I suppose you have to ask yourself: what are his good aspects (if any!), or, "what do I love about him".

You say he would not be happy with one woman.

He sure does not sound like a very good bet, in fact he sounds remarkably immature. I dare say if he was diagnosed by a professional they would find another, less pleasant, description of him. IMO.

 

Take care

Hermes

 

Listen to your instinct. As you say "something throws you off".

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I don't believe it is ever constructive to ask someone to change their basic personality. He is who he is and he should not have to change because you don't like parts of him any more than you should change for him - such as asking you too loosen up and not be so small c conservative.

 

If the things that bother you are dealbreakers then let him go and find someone more in tune with what you want.

 

Who really gets to determine what excessive porn actually means?

He can't alter a fact in the past - he has been with those women and that can't be changed - you could ask him to remove their pictures but he can't remove them from his memory.

You decide what makes you mad - not him.

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How long have you been together?

 

I had a boyfriend who had this edge to him, totally sex obsessed and really crude. He was terribly insecure aswell though and found it hard to form relationships. He ended up being a total control freak, very needy and possessive and stalked me for a while.

 

Not to say your BF is like that, but I was always not sure of him either, could detect something about his personality that made me uncomfortable, a certain cockiness/arrogance.

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I find your generalization about men being "crude" unfair to men - your bf acts in a crude way, your bf enjoys objectifying women, your bf enjoys flirting with women - and seeks out likeminded people to hang with of course. I wouldn't excuse his behavior by generalizing about "well most men are like that". I know for a fact that isn't true. You simply have to decide whether his lifestyle and values are compatible with yours. I'd find his behavior unacceptable, immature and embarassing - others might find it fun and find me too conservatiive. It's all a subjective opinion - the trick is being honest with yourself.

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I agree Batya. Not all men, thankfully, are like the person described by Anya. I don't think it is "conservative" to dislike crudeness and the unpleasant traits described. I am very far from being a conservative person myself, I have led an interesting and exciting life, but I have zero tolerance for boorish and immature behaviour. The trick is, IMO, just don't engage with such people. If enough people turn their backs on them, maybe, just maybe, they get the message.

Again, Anya, the decision is yours, of course, but the red flags are there, and I think you are aware of them.

 

All the best

Hermes

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I agree Batya. Not all men, thankfully, are like the person described by Anya. I don't think it is "conservative" to dislike crudeness and the unpleasant traits described. I am very far from being a conservative person myself, I have led an interesting and exciting life, but I have zero tolerance for boorish and immature behaviour. The trick is, IMO, just don't engage with such people. If enough people turn their backs on them, maybe, just maybe, they get the message.

Again, Anya, the decision is yours, of course, but the red flags are there, and I think you are aware of them.

 

All the best

Hermes

 

Thank you for adding that about not being labeled "conservative" (or uptight") just because you avoid people who act in a crude way. Anya, how would you feel if you had a child with this person and he thought it was ok to behave this way in front of your child? From what you described, he probably would find it normal and amusing.

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You say its "something about his personality" but from how you describe it, it seems like you don't like almost his whole personality.

 

You describe:

 

- Poor sense of boundaries.

- Lack of discernment.

- Perhaps a limited understanding of consequences

- He has a strong influence on others on the negative behavior dept

 

At some point, this comes down to his basic character rather than blaming it on going through a "partying phase."

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The unsure feeling you are having is probably a gut feeling telling you he isn't right for you. My ex was similiar to your bf, I always had this uneasy unsure feeling about him. I was never content, never really happy, but I couldn't figure out why. Now after breaking up with him I realize it was because of his personality and that it didn't jive well with mine. I don't want to be with somebody like that. Now I have a fiance who is the most amazing man I have ever met in my life, and I'm the happiest ever, and he the complete opposite of my ex. Listen to your feelings, you are feeling unsure for a reason.

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