Why are girls so clingy?

[bedrocks]

Hi

 

First post.

 

My girlfriend and I are together about 8 months. I feel comfortable in the relationship as/is, it's casual, we have nice intimacy, share similar interests and activities, and enjoy each others company, we are on the same intellectual level.

 

I would be ok staying like this indefinitely but she wants more..she always wants more time together than I do. I would be good for 3-4 days a week, she wants 5-6, she hints at moving in together, I prefer to maintain separate residences but stay over each others place.

 

Sometimes I feel like I need to pull back for a few days, and she gets all weird and questions if I want to be with her, when it has nothing to do with her, and when she does that it drives me further away.

 

We seem to have more of these cycles lately and I worry about the demise of what could be a good thing due to our different perceptions of what constitutes a relationship.

 

We are older than many people here, in our 40s, both divorced.

 

Thoughts are welcome

[SapphireNoir10]

Not all girls are clingy. Men can be clingy, women can be clingy. Generally its an insecurity thing if they don't want to be away from you for a second.

 

I value my own space and giving my boyfriend space to do his own thing.

 

I think you need to speak to her. Explain you are not ready to move in together and you need your own space. When you feel like having space away tell her 'It's not you, I need a couple of days to do my own thing'.

[pinkelephant]

Do you want to move further eventually? Do you want to get married again? To her, specifically?

 

I think some people are just clingy, but in certain situations, it can be well warranted. Like, if she senses that you're really not into the relationship and this is about as far as you want to go, with no goal of marriage in mind, she's going to feel this compulsion to be clingy and whatnot.

[agent1607307371]

We seem to have more of these cycles lately and I worry about the demise of what could be a good thing due to our different perceptions of what constitutes a relationship.

 

Your perception of a good thing may not necessarily be her preception of a good thing. Your need "less" time together she needs "more".

You find her clingy where she may find you distant.

 

Ultimately, you need to sit down and discuss this with her. You want something more causal, but she obviously wants something less. This is a major mismatch of needs that if not sorted is just going to make the two of you miserable.

[Joshb]

Your perception of a good thing may not necessarily be her preception of a good thing. Your need "less" time together she needs "more".

You find her clingy where she may find you distant.

 

Ultimately, you need to sit down and discuss this with her. You want something more causal, but she obviously wants something less. This is a major mismatch of needs that if not sorted is just going to make the two of you miserable.

 

 

 

i agree with Agent 100%.

[greywolf]

If you just want something casual and she doesn't, of course she's going to seem clingy. I suggest you talk to her and tell her how you feel about all of this.

[Ms Darcy]

Do you want to move further eventually? Do you want to get married again? To her, specifically?

 

I think some people are just clingy, but in certain situations, it can be well warranted. Like, if she senses that you're really not into the relationship and this is about as far as you want to go, with no goal of marriage in mind, she's going to feel this compulsion to be clingy and whatnot.

 

I would agree with this. I think it's possible that she see you as someone who is not interested in the long-term and she's trying to move the relationship forward and towards committment.

[In the Dark]

I see you used the word casual.

 

To some or many people, casual relationship is like still being on the market.

Not exclusive.

 

Also, you are distancing.

"Sometimes I need to pull back for a few days"

 

Unknowingly using reverse psychology.

 

The more you push the more she will cling.

 

During these days you say you want to have time to yourself, she probably feels like you are wanting to be with other people, hence the weird behavior.

 

But then again, it could also be down to thinking, it's going to be real hard to find another decent man or one which is to her liking who isn't taken since she is in her 40's and is gaining wrinkles, losing her looks.

[CSB]

I know there are many people who may not agree with me here, but if you really love and care about someone I don't see why you wouldn't want to spend as much time with them as possible (i.e 5 or 6 days a week) My bf and I have been together for over 4 years and we spend almost every day together. It doesn't mean that we neglect our friends (I still see my close friends a few times a week at least, and he sees his) He's also part of a sports team and I'm president of a club at school. We each have jobs. And at the same time, we still see each other everyday and look forward to it.

 

What I am trying to say is, I don't think she is being clingy. I think you want a much less "relationship" type thing with her and more of a dating relationship. Because she cares about you, she wants to see you more and I'm not sure that makes her clingy.

 

I would consider it clingy if she was having issues EVER spending time apart or not wanting you to do things with your friends. But wanting to see someone that they care a lot about 5 days a week does not seem clingy to me.

[annie24]

But then again, it could also be down to thinking, it's going to be real hard to find another decent man or one which is to her liking who isn't taken since she is in her 40's and is gaining wrinkles, losing her looks.

oh harsh! and besides, my mom got remarried at 63 so i know that being 40 isn't the end of the world!

 

bedrocks, i think you and your gf should have a conversation over where you see this relationship headed. ie, do you want to get married, or are you ok with this situation as it is for an indefinite amount of time.

 

My guess (without knowing her) is that she is looking for a more permanent committment, and being 40 years old, she isn't going to be wasting years and years of her time waiting for a guy to come along. Like what In The Dark alluded to, if you aren't willing to give her that committment, she'll probably want to move onto a guy who can. Of course, I don't know her and don't know what she is looking for, but it sounds like she wants to take the relationship to the next level.

 

go have a talk with her. if you don't want to marry and she does, let her go.

[CSB]

But then again, it could also be down to thinking, it's going to be real hard to find another decent man or one which is to her liking who isn't taken since she is in her 40's and is gaining wrinkles, losing her looks.

 

Very harsh and not nice at all.

[MakestheBest]

I dont see what the big deal about spending 3-4 days together a week. If we lived in separate homes I'd say that was normal and not a problem at all. Why does that mean he wants a "casual" relationship. 5-6 days a week is...the week. Its a lot in 8 mos, to me it seems like she wants to 'make' something of the relationship, which is understandable. I think you need to just make her understand that you want the same things she does ( if you do) but you need the pace of the relationship to move more slowly.

 

And clingyness is not a "woman" thing trust me. I had an ex who would move into my womb with a pillow and mattress if I gave him half a chance.

 

Good luck

[HouseKitten]

After 8 months, I'd be worried if he was making no noises about eventually doing things like moving in together either. You don't have to do it right this minute, but when exactly are you going to be ready, if ever?

 

You need to look at how you feel about her. If you're at the point where the relationship should be moving forwards, and after 8 months it's not unusual for it to be doing so, and yet you're pulling away, perhaps you're not being honest with yourself about how much you really like her. She might be a nice girl but do you see a future with her?

 

If you don't, then be a man and break up with her. It's not fair to string someone along with them thinking you've got a future together to look forward to, while you look for ways to stop things going any further. All that will happen is, one day she'll get frustrated enough to confront you, full of resentment and it'll finish anyway.

[Ms Darcy]

And clingyness is not a "woman" thing trust me. I had an ex who would move into my womb with a pillow and mattress if I gave him half a chance.

 

Good luck

 

Hilarious! Perhaps you should have told him it wasn't for rent

 

The question for me is, do you see yourself committing to her in the long-term? I mean, in their 40s it's not uncommon for people to want to marry within a year.

[G-Snap]

This is not gender exclusive, trust me. I've dated and had relationships before with guys who were VERY clingy, I couldn't shake 'em off with a stick. Had to have boundary discussions. Women are not the only ones who can be clingy.

[In the Dark]

annie24, CSB....

 

Yes it is harsh and it's indeed a potential thought.

Boobs sag, butt gets all floppy, retaining the figure to compete is much harder or not possible.

The clothes that they used to wear just makes them look like mutton dressed up as lamb.

 

Chances of dating someone attractive shrinks.

Having to drop standards when you don't really want to.

 

It's indeed not the end of the World.

 

Just becomes slimmer pickings.

[agent1607307371]

But all men in their 40's look like Brad Pitt, right?

 

You lot don't tend to age well yourselves.

[In the Dark]

Not all guys age well and this is where things get real crap for females.

 

When we have age gap relationships, what do you think is the majority is?

 

Older man>younger women or

Older Women>younger man?

 

That's not what I am talking about.

Lol everytime a guy talks about a women is a blunt manner it's all guys are just the same!

Whenever I talk about men in this manner it's generally rather nice and cordial or I have some female user to back me up.

 

Anyway.

 

An older man can get and attractive younger women easier than an older women can get attractive younger men.

 

It shouldn't be this way but it is plastered on the media.

 

Donald Trump for example....really....is that actually his HAIR?!

Regardless, he has one attractive women and I am sure many others will be waiting in line if she ever gets kicked to the curb.

 

Ronnie Wood from the rolling stones.

Walking skeleton anyone?

Still raking in the young women.

Surely these women with them could get better....

 

This sort of carry on does not happen so often with older women.

[greywolf]

The age gap where the men are usually older has a lot to do with culture and not with how women look. Secondly, a lot of it might also have to do with child-bearing. If a young guy eventually wants a kid, hooking up with an older woman is not such a good idea.

[annie24]

i get what you are saying and yes, it is an unfortunate thing that women are judged more on their looks. and yes, gravity takes its toll, lol. probably why this woman wants to make the relationship more serious, she doesn't have time to wait 5 years to see if this guy wants to take the relationship to the next level. she's not 20 years old anymore.

 

i did hang out with a friend tonight, she is 37, but looks 27 easily. not a wrinkle in sight, perfect body. good genes i guess. still not married though.