Doing things for myself, not for my parents

[dragon lady]

My parents were always very encouraging and supportive IF I did what they wanted me to do. If I performed well academically, they would shower me with praise. If I dated someone they liked, they would treat him really well and encourage me to stick with him. They would always freely hand out money if they felt I was spending it on something they approved of.

 

However, if I strayed from their ideal path for me they would be distant, discouraging and downright mean. For example, I graduated with an undergraduate degree last year and I had planned to attend grad school this semester. They were very pleased with this. Now I've decided that I want to take some more time off to work and rebuild my life (I've recently relocated). When I told my mother this she was furious. She said that I'm going to be a loser and stuck in my current job for the rest of my life. Let's face it, my current job sucks big time. I'm often embarrassed to tell people what I do, but it pays reasonably well and it's easy. The lack of responsibility gives me room to focus on other things. I will try to get a better job and I will go back to grad school when I'm ready.

 

I understand that my parents have a very "elitist" mentality and my lack of desire to get straight in there, become highly educated and then start a fancy career drives them crazy. Needless to say, I get very hurt by some of the things they say to me. I know it's supposed to be motivational (and it used to be), but now it almost feels abusive. It's not like I'm a crack addict living under a bridge. I'm living out of home and I'm supporting myself. You may ask why this bothers me. I'm an adult and I'm supposed to be doing what I want to do, like most other adults. But I can't help letting it get to me. It's like I still feel the pressure to make them happy. When they put me down it further deflates my already low confidence and I feel like I need to work to please them.

 

I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem. Can anyone else relate or give me some advice on how to get past this?

[Sparkly Eyes]

My mom was like that sometimes. So I told her that I would stop talking to her if she keeps giving me her unreasonable comments. I told her that it's my life and although I would like to listen to her advices, I am the one who is going to make the decisions and she should accept that. It worked.

[dragon lady]

I know they would leave me alone if I told them to. It wouldn't change how they feel about my choices, but it would get them off my back. I've thought about doing this, but I know it will mean the end of any kind of emotional support too. I don't have many other people to turn to, so I'm very hesitant to want to try that.

 

I guess what I'd really like to hear is how to let it slide off my back. I've known some people whose parents put them down and didn't approve of their decisions, yet they rebelled and did what they wanted to do anyway. I find that so inspirational and I'd love to get to that point. I just feel too weak.

[mgirl]

When I told my mother this she was furious. She said that I'm going to be a loser and stuck in my current job for the rest of my life.

 

Well, for a start, don't listen to this statement. As you said, you are not a crack addict living under a bridge. Thank-you very much for that statement, it actually made me LOL Nice to see a sense of humour here every now and then

 

Look, they obviously have high expectations for their children, which is really nice when you think about it.

 

You can't really do anything to make anyone else happy. It is all about you. I think you should continue doing what you're doing, but do listen to them a bit. I know you don't think so, but they do know a bit more than you. Looking back on it, i would have followed my parent's advice a bit more as a younger person if i had have listened.

 

I mean, if you don't need to rely on them financially, then you are really your own person.

 

I tend to just do my own thing these days, and if they don't like it, too bad. It took me a long time to get to this point though, cos my parents are quite snobbish too. I basically broke it to them as this: "i am doing XXX, if you don't like it, tough".

 

I think the thing is, we've all got to take responsibility for our lives. The things that i would say are important in life are

 

1. Being responsible for yourself, eg, your bills etc., and cost of living

 

2. Thinking of the future and saving for it. The years between 25 & 40 go very quickly, and you want to have a deposit for a house saved by 30ish (if not have the home already) and at least be working towards a long term future. You do NOT want to be 35 and have nothing, just remember that.

 

So, as long as your short-term goals fit in with your long term goals, you are set. For example, my long term goals were to save money, so i would therefore run every decision i made by this goal, like a point of reference if you will.

 

Good luck... Maybe communicate to them how their comments are making you feel. But, be aware of the realities of life - it's a jungle out there! And, you need to have short and long term goals

[anya1607307555]

I guess what I'd really like to hear is how to let it slide off my back. I've known some people whose parents put them down and didn't approve of their decisions, yet they rebelled and did what they wanted to do anyway. I find that so inspirational and I'd love to get to that point. I just feel too weak.

 

By believing in yourself and respectively living your life anyway. If you have confidence of achieving success (whatever that may mean to you) and they are shown that consistently over a period of time, they are more likely to accept you as an adult who is capable of, and must, find your own path.

 

My sisters and I were a constant source of disappointment to my father, I'm sure. He had such big ideas, yet failed to actually listen to us and the pressure he applied made our future decisons that much more difficult. He made himself enemy no1 and achieved nothing positive. Of course, now I understand that he believed he was doing the right thing, more likely the only way he knew how and I can forgive him that.

 

Being a parent with aspirations for your children, it's hard to let go and trust that they will find their way to a good life. But do it, they must. Also, understand that parents feel pressure too. I'm already feeling the societal pressure my son is being put under to follow a certain path, it's mammoth! I feel for him having to constantly battle to be heard.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I know they would leave me alone if I told them to. It wouldn't change how they feel about my choices, but it would get them off my back. I've thought about doing this, but I know it will mean the end of any kind of emotional support too. I don't have many other people to turn to, so I'm very hesitant to want to try that.

 

I guess what I'd really like to hear is how to let it slide off my back. I've known some people whose parents put them down and didn't approve of their decisions, yet they rebelled and did what they wanted to do anyway. I find that so inspirational and I'd love to get to that point. I just feel too weak.

 

hmmm yeah. I rarely turn to my parents for emotional support. In fact, I haven't seen them for like 2 years now. They would actually like me to do it, to talk to them and want their support, but I just don't do it for some reason.

[arcadefire]

You are 23, you are able to make your own educated decisions. My mom is exactly the same, whatever she wanted she will encourage, to the point where my brother rebelled and resented her for pushing so hard for something we don't even enjoy doing. It even goes so far as to what sports we play, what food we eat, what clothes we wear, etc. It's controlling. And if it's to the point where your mom is being verbally and emotionally abusive to you, you need to set the record straight that you don't tolerate this kind of behavior and pull away.

 

I know it's hard to emotionally disengage yourself from your own mother, since we as humans are biologically wired to connect to those closest to us. If you are feeling guilt, don't. She needs to know that just because she raised you doesn't mean that she has complete control over you. Besides, she got to live her own life. It's time to live yours.