Should I cut her loose?

[barney89]

Hello I'm in a situation any thoughts would be helpful. I'm in a long distance relationship with this girl. We're close to the same age, we tell each other we are committed to each other. Been going out around 4 months but lately things seem different. She never used to drink much, now she tells me she's been going out to clubs and bars with girlfriends and also some guys tag along too. She is a flirty type anyway but has confessed she has flirted lately with strangers at the bars, she says she doesn't cross the line, but I have asked her a few times would she do it if I was there in the room and she says no she wouldn't. She also texts guys but when they get dirty she stops txting them but then if they begin to act respectful she does txt once again. She also had this close guy friend that she considered like a brother but he recently confessed that he loves her. She told him she doesn't feel the same and that she can only be her friend, I'm trying not to push the issue, but at the same time this close guy friend is so close to her family. She is from another culture and tells me that this close guy friend goes out and drinks a lot and then comes and goes at her parents house, crashes on the couch. Recently she has had her sister staying in her house/room and this guy has crashed one time that I know of in her room on the floor while they slept. The night he confessed his feelings for her, he told her he loved her and to stop talking to me and pick him, he wanted to sleep there but she told me she kicked him out. I guess what I want to know is when I told her the excessive drinking and bar/club hopping is a change in her, she gets defensive and says I'm not dating anyone and not sleeping around. She used to spend lots of time with this guy in particular alone, but now she tells me she's not spending any alone time with him or any other guy. But yet she is not going to ignore him and still wants to be his friend. Am I being paranoid or should I just wait and see what happens? I'm starting to think maybe she is not respecting my feelings. Also she tells everyone she's still single.

[DN]

She is a flirty type anyway but has confessed she has flirted lately with strangers at the bars, she says she doesn't cross the line, but I have asked her a few times would she do it if I was there in the room and she says no she wouldn't.

For me, this behaviour would be crossing the line and I would dump her over it if she would not stop. You can't control her behaviour but you don't have to tolerate it.

[barney89]

Talked to her about her recent behavior and why she is acting different. She says last month or two she hasn't been acting herself, been going out more often, not getting drunk drunk but having a few drinks with her girlfriends. She says she isn't flirting but has been going with her gf's to bars to check out guys just for fun. She said she going to stop doing that. Says no guy trying to touch her or get her number, but yet I am a guy and do know what happens at bars / clubs. Think she is being honest? I'm trying not to be paranoid but seems like every time we talk about things she reveals a little more detail, guess I should just trust her and not be too attached if she drops something.

[nutz76]

Don't listen to a word she says. What you need to be looking at is her actions, which is that she's out at the bars flirting with men. You've got good reason to ditch her. You need to figure out what your standards and expectations are, as well what will happen when she fails to meet them, and then make sure she's crystal clear on where you stand. Right now she's behaving inappropriately and you can sense that, but can't put your finger on it. We have instincts for a reason and it took our ancestors eons to develop them. Now is your chance to put them to good use and either lay down the law, or cut bait.

 

For record I've seen this tons of times. It's likely she's already messed around with other men and/or she's getting the "grass is greener" syndrome and will branch swing if you don't reel her in.

[barney89]

She told me the other night that she did have feelings for this guy that made a move on her the other night, she said it was over past summer, but then they guy started dating her stepsister so she told me her feelings died and she only had friend feelings for him. He kept txting her the other day trippin on why she told me he has been spending time with her and what he tried that one night. She told him to shut up she's with me and she has every right to tell me things. So I'm a bit confused why is she revealing more and more pieces of info to me when she's supposed to be honest with me? She said she's not txting him, calling talking on the phone, or spending any time with him anymore, she said she blocked his number and said she's no longer friends with him, but I'm wondering why she was spending so much time with him before alone and with others even when we were together...is she playing me or am I being a jealous guy?

[Little Blue Ant]

Dude, I'm sorry, do yourself a favor and just end it. You're getting way too much anxiety over it and obviously you're not getting what YOU want and require out of the relationship. Its a two way street buddy, and if you simply conform to her needs you're gonna sell yourself short and it will come back to bite you in the ash. Just sayin'. Think about YOURSELF and not HER right now.

[barney89]

Here is an update. Things have been better, we been talking on the phone more and im, email etc. But all of a sudden she's being distant, she tells me she's committed to me, she hates the fact that I'm not there cause she does need someone there for her physically. That if I was there this wouldn't be a problem and back story she's lost some weight and getting more attention and that in of itself is fine with me but I wonder if she's letting it go to her head? Then the other night I get something odd from her, am doing my best not to care if others seem to be giving me attention...am trying to focus on you... Guess she's having doubts and/or she's got a guy in mind that has been giving her attention. Any thoughts or ideas people?

[nutz76]

Here is an update. Things have been better, we been talking on the phone more and im, email etc. But all of a sudden she's being distant, she tells me she's committed to me, she hates the fact that I'm not there cause she does need someone there for her physically. That if I was there this wouldn't be a problem and back story she's lost some weight and getting more attention and that in of itself is fine with me but I wonder if she's letting it go to her head? Then the other night I get something odd from her, am doing my best not to care if others seem to be giving me attention...am trying to focus on you... Guess she's having doubts and/or she's got a guy in mind that has been giving her attention. Any thoughts or ideas people?

 

You still aren't getting it so I'll say it again, don't listen to a word she says. Judge her by her actions. She says she's committed, blah blah blah, then then acts in a different manner. HER BEHAVIOR IS ALL THAT MATTERS!!!!!

[Little Blue Ant]

You still aren't getting it so I'll say it again, don't listen to a word she says. Judge her by her actions. She says she's committed, blah blah blah, then then acts in a different manner. HER BEHAVIOR IS ALL THAT MATTERS!!!!!

 

This is true. Pay attention. I know its easier said than done

[nutz76]

The fact she lost weight is important to note though. I guarantee she's paying more attention to the attention levels she's getting from men, and it's likely she's getting more interest than before and it's inflating her ego. This is why it's normal for women who get boob jobs to cheat on the men they were with when they got the op.

[barney89]

Update...she told me other night on the phone she's not sure about the distance thing..I waited and listen...pressed her, because my gut was telling me something else was the reason. I said look just tell me what is going on..long pause, then I get I met a guy 2 weeks ago at a friends house, that is the only time I seen him, but he asked for my number to keep in touch and she gave it to him. She said she knew he'd call, she wanted him to call, then said she didn't cheat. I'm like yes you did, you knew he was hitting on you and you gave your number to a guy you just met, then she says he's called a few times in the past 2 weeks. Again she hid this from me until now. I got upset who wouldn't right, then she tells me she called the guy and told him sorry for misleading him and she can't talk to him anymore. I think she's lying about things she was crying on the phone but I think that was more on her than on me. Now she's distancing herself and hasn't txt or call in a day or two. I know I should end this but the other night she sends me txt saying she loves me and is going to fight for me...why do women lie like this???

[DN]

It seems clear to me that this isn't working for either of you.