Why am I required to be OUT?!?!

[renegade43]

Ok, so I am not "out." My family knows, a few close friends know, and thats perfect for me. I really don't want everyone knowing about my sexuality because most of the people I know are either older, or probably would judge me differently based on the horrible stereotypes about gays in the media.

 

Heres the situation. I'm seeing a guy who is really cool. We seem to click on quite a few levels, and I could see myself in a relationship with him. The problem is that he has no concern for anyone's feelings about homosexuality. He will hug and kiss me in front of his family, neighbors, in public, etc, without any regard for being appropriate. I pull away and get nervous when he does this, and he cant seem to understand that I am not comfortable with other people seeing me being affectionate with a man.

 

I know the common thought is that you are supposed to tell every single person you know that you are gay. I don't feel I need to do that, and the person I'm seeing has asked me when I will introduce him to people that I'm not even out to. I'm really confused, because I feel like its my right to decide how to display myself to people, and he shouldnt pressure me.

 

Advice? Thanks

[hexaemeron]

I bolded those items separately because I think these are parallel, but different issues. I understand that you are... reticent about being seen in public, but around his family and your friends... what's the big deal? It can't ALL be your way, just as much as it cannot be all his.

 

And this idea of being uncomfortable being seen as what you are (and yes, as someone who has been out for... 14 years now [...?!]), this is internalized homophobia. You are gay. You don't have to wear a feather boa and like nosebleed-inducing dance music, but you should never feel ashamed or afraid of what you are, and it's very clear that you do.

 

You need to accept yourself before you'll be comfortable seeking acceptance from others.

[Ac143]

Does this really have to do with being "out" or the level of affection in public? Whether its a straight or gay relationships if you have a different level of affection or one partner wants to kiss in public while the other doesn't...it can cause a problem. I dont think he is asking you to scream out "Im gay" seems like he just wants you to be more affectionate and comfortable around him? Which doesn't sound like you are..

[gravity]

I don't think you need to go around telling everyone you're now "out".

 

I had a childhood friend do this in high school. He literally went around telling everybody that he was gay.

 

Generally the consensus was "okay . . . figured as much, wanna go hit up the mall after class?"

[renegade43]

I am ashamed of being gay. I do a lot of things in my local community around people who I know would reject me if they found out my sexuality. That scares the crap out of me. While I envy people who are able to be openly gay, I find it easier to hide and just not talk about it because I don't know how to come out to people without ruining my relationships with them. The guy I'm seeing is totally okay with his sexuality, and that intimidates the crap out of me...then it makes me feel like im less of a person when he expects me to just snap my fingers and be okay with the world knowing im gay....

[renegade43]

Maybe I would want to be more open in public, etc, if I didnt feel pressure coming from him that that is what is expected of me....I dont know

[hexaemeron]

I am ashamed of being gay. I do a lot of things in my local community around people who I know would reject me if they found out my sexuality. That scares the crap out of me. While I envy people who are able to be openly gay, I find it easier to hide and just not talk about it because I don't know how to come out to people without ruining my relationships with them. The guy I'm seeing is totally okay with his sexuality, and that intimidates the crap out of me...then it makes me feel like im less of a person when he expects me to just snap my fingers and be okay with the world knowing im gay....

 

And you don't think hiding who you are on one side of your life, and being jealous and resentful of your partner about his openness on the other is going to be somehow better?

 

Again, I'm not saying you have to hide who you are, but you can still be who you are and if someone happens to ask you about your dating life say "Oh, well, I'm dating Skylar/Brody/Dakota/whoever" -- It doesn't have to be any more or less than that.

 

And anyone who'd give you grief over that is honestly miserable in his or her own life, and only does that because misery loves company.

 

You only get one life, man. You deserve to be who you are openly.

[agent1607307371]

I am ashamed of being gay. I do a lot of things in my local community around people who I know would reject me if they found out my sexuality. That scares the crap out of me. While I envy people who are able to be openly gay, I find it easier to hide and just not talk about it because I don't know how to come out to people without ruining my relationships with them. The guy I'm seeing is totally okay with his sexuality, and that intimidates the crap out of me...then it makes me feel like im less of a person when he expects me to just snap my fingers and be okay with the world knowing im gay....

 

Ok, I feel harsh saying this but how do you think he feels about having a partner who won't be a partner?

 

I couldn't date a woman because I am not out to my parents, I would never expect someone to be the "roommate". I could never put up with someone expecting it of me.

 

How long have you been seeing him, what was his response to you telling him that he can't be seen to be with you?

[renegade43]

And you don't think hiding who you are on one side of your life, and being jealous and resentful of your partner about his openness on the other is going to be somehow better?

 

Again, I'm not saying you have to hide who you are, but you can still be who you are and if someone happens to ask you about your dating life say "Oh, well, I'm dating Skylar/Brody/Dakota/whoever" -- It doesn't have to be any more or less than that.

 

And anyone who'd give you grief over that is honestly miserable in his or her own life, and only does that because misery loves company.

 

You only get one life, man. You deserve to be who you are openly.

 

I agree that I deserve that, I just dont know how to find that in a way where I dont have to fear people. I think part of why I am upset about his behavior is because I know that my resentment of it isnt fair to him. His family is accepting of him, and he should be proud of that. I guess it would be better if he were with someone else who was able to be proud of themselves and open about who they are, no matter who they fear would reject them

[hexaemeron]

I agree that I deserve that, I just dont know how to find that in a way where I dont have to fear people. I think part of why I am upset about his behavior is because I know that my resentment of it isnt fair to him. His family is accepting of him, and he should be proud of that. I guess it would be better if he were with someone else who was able to be proud of themselves and open about who they are, no matter who they fear would reject them

 

He can be. You just have to be brave enough to allow yourself to be that person. I've never told anyone at my work that I am gay. I wouldn't deny it if asked, but it's not a conversation I felt was necessary as it pertains to my personal life.

 

The difference is my one area of discretion comes from logic (As in, people at work wouldn't go around announcing their heterosexuality, so why would I do so with homosexuality?) and not from shame.

 

You don't have to be ashamed anymore. You are who you are, and there's nothing WRONG with you. Except what you're doing to yourself.

[abitbroken]

There is a difference between being ashamed and not liking public displays of affection. There are many straight couples that don't do anything in public. My boyfriend and I will hold hands in public, but we don't make out. Some couples don't even do that. For you, kissing may be too much "in public" and that is understandable. But hugs should be perfectly fine unless they are a tight "feeling you up/squeezing your butt" hug. And there are people who are straight or gay who don't like that for other reasons. It seems like its not a PDA issue and more of an issue of not being happy with yourself but maybe there is an aspect of that too.

[renegade43]

He can be. You just have to be brave enough to allow yourself to be that person. I've never told anyone at my work that I am gay. I wouldn't deny it if asked, but it's not a conversation I felt was necessary as it pertains to my personal life.

 

The difference is my one area of discretion comes from logic (As in, people at work wouldn't go around announcing their heterosexuality, so why would I do so with homosexuality?) and not from shame.

 

You don't have to be ashamed anymore. You are who you are, and there's nothing WRONG with you. Except what you're doing to yourself.

 

I think thats where the differences between myself and this guy come in. He wears rainbows at his work. He believes that every person you deal with on a regular basis should know youre gay. I am a coordinator of a large community program, including elementary school kids all the way through 80 year olds, and my feeling is that what I do for that program has nothing to do with my personal life. This guy was asking me when I'd introduce him to these people, and when I said that wasnt something I had planned to do, he was offended....

[hexaemeron]

I think thats where the differences between myself and this guy come in. He wears rainbows at his work. He believes that every person you deal with on a regular basis should know youre gay. I am a coordinator of a large community program, including elementary school kids all the way through 80 year olds, and my feeling is that what I do for that program has nothing to do with my personal life. This guy was asking me when I'd introduce him to these people, and when I said that wasnt something I had planned to do, he was offended....

 

Yeah, I'd be offended too. Imagine a boyfriend telling a girlfriend that. You don't have to be swathed in rainbows. He's being himself. You don't have to be him. You just have to be yourself. You're allowed to strike a balance between discretion and living without shame or fear.

[lilypadgirl]

I'm not sure if I'm understanding this correctly: He wants to be introduced to your work situation? I think it's fair to keep work and personal lives separate, especially if sexual orientation isn't even remotely a part of what your involvement is about. But if it's a social event, then I would be offended too if my bf didn't want to introduce me.

 

Just as I don't believe people should hide their sexual orientation, I don't think people should flaunt it either. It sounds to me that you're purposely trying to avoid it? Maybe your guy is picking up on that and so doing those things to try to get you to feel more comfortable with yourself.

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with close-minded people which I'm sure there are plenty of. If you're not ready to confront this, you shouldn't be forced to, but I think confronting it with a supportive partner is definitely better than without one! Let him help you be more comfortable with it.

[FathomFear]

I agree that I deserve that, I just dont know how to find that in a way where I dont have to fear people. I think part of why I am upset about his behavior is because I know that my resentment of it isnt fair to him. His family is accepting of him, and he should be proud of that. I guess it would be better if he were with someone else who was able to be proud of themselves and open about who they are, no matter who they fear would reject them

 

I think the problem is that you see other people's possible rejection of you as your problem. It's not. It's their problem. It's their loss for losing your friendship over something like your sexuality. If you view it that way it no longer becomes something you need to worry about or fear.

 

Because if you really step back and think about it, what is there to fear in this kind of rejection? That you'll lose the "friendship" of a homophobic bigot? IMO, that's a blessing and not a curse.

[MakestheBest]

I really admire the hell out of people who live their lives out loud and don't give a damn what other people think. So my personal hero's are people like Cindy Lauper, Grace Jones and every friend I have who is out of the closet. It takes big monkey balls, and thats real.

 

I think at some point you are going to have to decide to be who you are...And in my experience, talking to my friends ( and watching a few come out of the closet) they are SO MUCH happier! Yes its difficult and yes there will be blow back, but it doesn't compare to the torture of stifling yourself...at least thats what they told me. And i look at the difference between talking to a friend who is IN and a friend who is OUT...OMG! I have a friend who we suspected was gay in college, me and girls took him out to gay clubs and everything for christsakes, but years later we;re not in close contact but the few times we've talked over the phone its freaking TORTURE...he's mega careful not to name the sex of his partner or friend, and keep details of his life hidden. And I have to watch what I say as well. It so weird because I KNOW he's gay, and i'm pretty sure he KNOWS i KNOW he's gay...but yet we do this goofy dance. It all just seems so repressed and sad.

 

Look at the partner you chose even! He is definitely defiantly out by what you are saying about how he conducts himself...it seems to me that maybe you even want someone to help you make that leap?

 

But what the hell do I know, i'm just the straight chick in the room.

[Kaytie]

It pains me to hear you are ashamed of being gay, but I do understand it.

 

I definitely think you have a great deal of internalized homophobia, but I also understand that your partner is quite.....expressive.

 

I myself do not hide who I am. I've been out since I was 13. I don't walk around with an L on my forehead, but I also will not invent boyfriends or change pronouns if asked about a significant other. I refuse to do that to myself. I don't announce anything, but I won't hide anything if asked, much like heterosexuals don't hide. The issue with the 'broadcasting we're gay' assumption is that often when we simply correct or admit that our partners are of the same sex, we are SEEN as flaunting it when we are only making a correction. It stands out because it's not the norm. That annoys the crap out of me, but I digress.

 

However, having said all that, I do understand those that aren't out fully, especially at work. But as hex said, you can strike a balance between protecting your career (because, lets face it, systemic discrimination is real and exists, regardless of how far we've come) and not being ashamed of who you are.

 

I personally would rather know if someone is homophobic because then I know they aren't worth my time or energy. I have no tolerance for hate in any form and don't waste my time surrounding myself with those people, nor will I ever walk on eggshells and be closeted.

 

I really hope you can learn to love yourself for who you are. You don't need to be loud and proud, but I truly hope you can learn to just accept yourself and live your life as a relaxed and happy gay man. You deserve it.