emotional affair number 2 - and she's gone

[f1r3f1y3]

4 months into our marriage breakdown, we finally seemed to have the issues out in the open. She wasn't happy about:

 

1. sex/passion lacking (infact, she said the sex had never been that great ever since we met)

2. she has no life outside of the house

 

I figured 1 was my responsibility and 2 was hers. I bought books on romance, started planning ways of turning this around. She started looking for a job, joined a tennis club etc. For the past 5 days we finally seemed to have a plan.

 

Yesterday I had hinted we would have sex that night, I had some different things planned. I went to bed early and half slept, half waited on her. It got to midnight and I got fed up. I went downstairs and found her engaged in a webcam conversation with a guy.

 

It was flirty. She had met this guy in a shopping centre and they had exchanged email addresses. She had a previous EA with a guy she had met online but she had ended that herself (I found out after it had ended) and it was during the time all the problems were bottled up and we weren't working on them. I was just getting over that one because I could at least understand why she did it.

 

I told her last time if she ever did it again it was over. I told her I wanted her to leave myself and our son as she was hurting me and if she stayed we'd be arguing and that'd hurt our son. She became hysterical, regretful, apologetic. She asked if I'd ever give her another chance, I answered nothing.

 

I maintained that she'd have to leave and we agreed I would drive her to her friends. When my son was home from school the 3 of us made the trip and I dropped her off there. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life by miles.

 

She goes to Paris on Monday for a week with her family (they live in 3 separate countries so very rarely are all together). She text me last night to ask if she can still contact me, I said it depended what it was about, and that she could contact me about our son any time.

 

So I'm waking up this morning just myself and my son. I still feel angry and hurt. I don't know what I am going to do now but I feel like if we ever tried again I would never be able to trust her. The fact is she is a very good liar and always makes these mistakes. She'd probably do it again. However it's very difficult to make the decision to end the relationship when you love the person so much, as I do in every way.

 

I have just told my son that mummy has gone to paris early. My only worry right now is whether I have done the right thing. As a husband should I not be doing everything I can to keep the family together. But why do this now, at the time we had finally got everything out in the open and had both commited to making it work. She obviously wasn't commited.

 

Sorry I just wanted to get it out

[tastytoothpaste]

Wow, I am sooo very sorry to hear that you've been hurt like this. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. PM me at any time if you need to vent, ok? My inbox is always open to you.

 

As far as your relationship with your wife goes, you've hit the nail on the head when you say that she's obviously not committed. I would suggest that you both go see a marriage counselor to try and both get on the same page. I know you might think that you can handle it by just talking about things, but I think a counselor will be beneficial because he/she can take an objective look at things and use their own expertise to guide y'all through this. But...as you said, she's not committed. In order for a counselor to be of any help, both people have to want to make it work. Your wife is apologetic, but does she just want to make a quick fix now, or does she want to make changes to save your marriage? That's something that I think you all need to decide together. And perhaps y'all can try just one or two sessions with a counselor to try and figure out if she's even capable of making this big change.

 

Again, I'm very sorry that you're hurting.

[tastytoothpaste]

Oh and how old is your son? I meant to ask that in my other post.

[f1r3f1y3]

Thanks Southern.

 

Our son is 6, I am 28 and been married 7 years. I always wanted to marry young! How silly.

 

We went to a counselling session in the past and my wife declared after it that it was "a load of rubbish" (edit: I wasn't massively impressed either to be fair, I got the feeling it wouldn't work for us)

 

She has no job, car or money without me. It may be her remorse is just fear.

 

She says she still loves me and will do anything for another chance, but I heard that last time.

[tastytoothpaste]

Oh wow. She's being very closed minded. She was so quick to call counseling rubbish, so that tells me that she really won't do anything to fix this. She'll probably sit through the sessions with you if you asked her to go, but that doesn't mean she'll put anything into it. She's already got her mind made up that counseling isn't going to help, so it won't. So do you think that this means divorce? Or are you struggling with whether or not to stay with her?

 

I think you're doing the right thing by shielding your son from what's going on. He doesn't need to know. If you all decide to call it quits, he can just know that mom and dad live in two separate houses now. Definitely don't fight in front of him; he doesn't need that. I commend you for being so aware and protective of his feelings.

[f1r3f1y3]

I want her back, I want it to work, I love her so much, with all her flaws and all our problems, I don't care. We can work on that, we have a lifetime. That is how I really feel.

 

Betraying the small amount of trust we had left was about the only thing I can think of that would make me kick her out.

 

The problem I have now is that I can't ever trust her again, I can't even set terms or discuss boundaries, I just can't trust her ever again.

 

What kind of relationship would that make.

 

I want her to come back so much, but I will be the one that gets hurt again and again.

[tastytoothpaste]

When you take a step back and look at the big scheme of things, she had two slip ups, but there's got to be a way for y'all to salvage what you've got left, work out the problems, and start building a foundation again. Her screw ups have been a hell of a setback, but at the end of the day, if y'all both want it to work, it can and it will. I'm just concerned that she doesn't really want to (after reading what she said about the counselor). Maybe just take this time apart while she goes to Paris to clear your head and try and decide how you want to handle this and what will be best for your son.

[f1r3f1y3]

Thanks a lot for chatting this morning Southern, it helps.

 

I agree, maybe she doesn't really want to. If she could just figure that out and commit either way. Her words say she commited but her actions don't, and we all knows actions speak louder.

[tastytoothpaste]

Trust me, I've had my fair share of late night/early mornings on here, and it's always nice to have someone here with you to not feel quite so alone. So I'm very glad I could be here for you, as others have been here for me.

 

Look. You don't have to decide anything right this second. Just try to absorb what has happened, consider your options, and continue to think about your relationship with your wife over the course of your marriage. You did in fact make it very clear that if it ever happened again, you would leave her. If this wasn't enough to give her a hell of a reality check, I just don't know what will do the trick. And at the same time, I think that with the help of a counselor, you can learn to give her the attention that she needs so that she doesn't feel the need to go elsewhere for it. But if she won't work with you and a counselor, there's no real way to fix this. So it's a bit of a catch-22. There is no right answer with this. You're just going to have to figure out what is going to be best thing for your son.

 

Good luck, and never hesitate to drop me a message.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you did the right thing. The problem is with your wife. She lies, she cheats and she blames you for the lack of passion since day 1...but maybe she is the one lacking the passion. People who can cheat and let the lies slip off their tongue so easily are emotionally stunted people..so even the exprience of sex will be an empty experience no matter what the partner does. If she is home all day then I gather she does not work and has lots of time on her hands to feel empty and unfulfilled. Hence she gets her excitement by having emotional flings (which down the road will lead to physical flings) with other men. You are simply her bank account and security while she looks for excitement elsewhere. You may love her but she doesn't know the meaning of love and loyalty. I am sorry this has happened to you...stay strong. She doesn't want to fix herself and there is nothing you can do except walk away and save yourself from her serial cheating.

[Alstott Fan]

I too was in a relationship like this. My ex was one who you could almost set your watch by as to when she would start having an affair. It was a game to her. She'd meet another guy and start the EA, then let me know all about it and let us fight over her. That doesn't sound like what your wife is doing, but that fact that she has now done this twice should tell you she is developing a pattern of this behavior. Once people get into these patterns it takes a lot of work on themselves to break out of them, which seems to rarely happen.

 

I also agree with Crazyaboutdogs, she will eventually start to physically cheat on you. Consider yourself lucky that she hasn't already and walk away before she does some very serious damage to you emotionally with her cheating. I know having a child makes this situation that much harder, but you don't want to set an example for your son by putting up with this. Your marriage and interaction with your wife is the template he is going to use to start to develop his own ideas and values about relationships, and it sounds like she isn't interested in a happy, healthy relationship.

 

Best of luck man.

[f1r3f1y3]

Many thanks for the replies. I am not sure what I'll do yet but I agree about why she does these EAs, there is no other excitement in her life. She says I am not romantic but I think I am! I have upped my game in the romance department recently but it hasn't made any difference at all.

 

As far as physical cheating goes, I don't THINK she has, but she can lie to me in a way I could never know, so who knows.

[lavenderdove]

I hate to say this, but how do you know she hasn't cheated on you physically? She lies about everything else, why not that?

 

Sadly, there are lots of extremely immature/selfish people who think more about themselves than they do anyone else, and hence will chase whatever is their latest fantasy for happiness. And if their current partner isn't giving them immediate gratification on everything they want, they feel entitled to go out and get it for themselves.

 

I suspect she is mainly remorseful about getting caught more than anything, and has a keen awareness that she has no other source or support or income. So she is willing to use you for money and security, and is busily chasing getting her fun somewhere else.

 

I wouldn't mess around with this. I'd get documentation of her infidelity with other men (online conversations etc.), then proceed to a lawyer to get custody of your son. Otherwise she will eventually meet some man she does want to run off with, and will hit you up for child support and most likely alimony if she hasn't been working and you've been paying for everything. Don't assume she won't do this, because it sounds like she is currently shopping around for another man, just doesn't have another good provider on the hook yet.

 

Also, the longer you stay married, the more property settlement she is entitled to. If you've been married past 10 years, judges tend to award larger sums to women with young children. So you need to think about the long term consequences and her likelihood of leaving and hitting you up for alimony and child support while running off wtih some other guy.

 

I'd consult a lawyer for details, and also get your own counselor to talk about ways to transition out of this marriage that don't devastate you and your son. Obviously, your wife just doesn't love you if she behaves this way. The only person she loves is herself and her latest fleeting fantasy. You can't win with someone like that, as she will always have a new fantasy, and will abandon you when she's got herself another guy who makes as much money or more than you do.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry to say, but I agree with all of the advice you've gotten from everyone, especially this. If she found another guy to take care of her, she'd leave you in a heartbeat.

[f1r3f1y3]

Thanks everyone, dunno what I'm going to do yet but the comments really help get perspective.

 

She has sent another mail begging for another chance but it may be she is just scared of being on her own after all this time. I just don't know.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks everyone, dunno what I'm going to do yet but the comments really help get perspective.

 

She has sent another mail begging for another chance but it may be she is just scared of being on her own after all this time. I just don't know.

 

It would be interesting to see what her reaction would be if you gave her some strict conditions such as:

 

You can stay married for now so long as she:

 

-Finds a nearby apartment to live in

-Gets a job (to pay for childcare for your kid/your child's expenses)

-Goes to marriage counseling with you weekly for at least a year

-Tells this man that she's going to work on her marriage in front of you

 

etc etc.

 

I have the feeling you'll lean towards taking her back. I would encourage you to at least make her almost if not just as financially responsible as you are one: to decrease future alimony potentially and two: to see if she sees you more as a paycheck or a husband.

[f1r3f1y3]

Thanks Ms Darcy. If there's any chance to save this marriage I will take it. I feel like I will know in my gut when it's really over, and I don't feel that yet. My gut feeling has been really good to me through all this.

 

I have considered the apartment option for her but I am concerned about how my son would deal with that. There are some around here she could rent so it is an option

 

The other option is I allow her to move back in AFTER she has a job. She can rent a room from me and contribute to all the bills, get her own car etc. We don't sleep together and we review the situation in 6 months. I have no idea if this is healthy for us but seems like it'd be in the best interests of our son, who obviously would want answers if we were suddenly living apart.

 

At this stage I still can't think of her living here though, I am still shocked about what she has done.

[lavenderdove]

If you want to work on your marriage, i would strongly recommend marriage counseling because you need a neutral party to help steer you thru some of the pitfalls with this. if you didn't like the first counselor you went to, try to find another one, and do research to make sure you get a certified one, or one recommended by someone you know. They're like anyone else, good ones and bad ones. You may need to try a few to find one that works for you.

 

Next, be careful not to fall into the parenting role with her, where she's the naughty child and you the policing parent. This could be one reason you are having problems, that she feels she has no control or life of her own if you are the sole breadwinner etc.

 

I would NOT put her in a situation of 'renting' a room from you, since if she is your wife she in theory is part owner of the house, correct? She should be contributing to the *marriage*, not having you control all the strings and you 'allow' her or dole things out to her. That could be one problem with the marriage right there.

 

I think the focus should be on solving the problems in your marriage, those things that make her want to go outside the marriage for stimulation from other men, so putting her on a budget and getting a job won't fix that. What fixes that is some internal change on her part, that makes her turn to you rather than others for her needs. So anything that you do that puts you in a controlling/parent role will probably worsen the situation rather than fix it.

 

I do think it is a good thing that she get a job and get outside the house, but that is a totally different topic from her problems with reaching out for other men and saying she is not attracted to you. So i think you need to get a neutral counselor to help steer you thru this rather than trying to guess what is the right thing to solve the problem.

 

btw, there is a natural kind of incest taboo people feel towards their parents, so if a spouse slips totally into a parenting or controlling role, it can totally kill all sexual attraction between them, and make the one spouse go underground and start seeking peers for that rather than turning to the spouse who feels like a parent to them.

 

I know you have the best of intentions for the marriage, but some of your suggestions do sound very much like a parent trying to control an unruly child, so that may be the dynamics in the marriage that are actually killing it. It doesn't mean she isn't wrong (because she is), but it does mean that that dynamic needs to change and she needs to stop playing the child role and you need to stop playing the parent role for this to get fixed. So that is why i suggest a counselor, because it appears you have that dynamic going on here, and you trying to control her behavior or 'rent' to her really makes it worse, so a counselor may be what you need to break out of this pattern.

[Ms Darcy]

Sadly, being on this forum a long time, it looks like this marriage is going in a very sad and painful direction for you.

 

At the very least, she'll return, become emotionally unavailable again, and hide her new male friends better. At worst, she'll become the town receptical - graduating into physically cheating.

 

There are three things to keep in mind. One, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. By taking her back without really really serious and permanent consequences, YOU not her are enabling this behavior. So, if and when she cheats again, it's not going to be about her actions. We all knew what she was going to do. It's about YOU taking responsibility for what you chose to accept.

 

Two, you seem particularly castrated right now. It happens a lot with men who get cheated on. Sometimes it's a situation where the husbands aren't fulfilling the wife's needs. Part of that need can be for a confident husband who puts his foot down. I don't hold out a lot of hope for this marriage because it doesn't seem like she was ever particularly attracted to you and the sex has always been bad for her. She doesn't see you as a man, she sees you as a paycheck. That's how it is ... from the beginning. It's possible to regain attraction lost but I don't know how one can gain attraction that never really seemed to be there. I feel like she married you to be married more so than to show her lifelong commited love for you.

 

Three, while you continue this marriage farce, the only thing you can do is exert your boundaries. For people who don't want to respect that, they can call you controlling. Let her. If your boundary is to no longer pay her way because the vows have been broken and you are feeling used, then by all means stop doing so. If you fear that your boundaries will start pushing her away, then you've probably missed the last two times she's cheated on you ... um, she's already away. If I were you, I would talk to a counselor about how to appropriately set boundaries.

 

Good luck!

[f1r3f1y3]

Ms Darcy, "serious and permanent consequences". What may these be?

 

I can't think of changes I could make that would allow her to come back in a way that she understands I have not forgiven and forgotten.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy, "serious and permanent consequences". What may these be?

 

I can't think of changes I could make that would allow her to come back in a way that she understands I have not forgiven and forgotten.

 

I've mentioned a few. You might want to talk to a counselor for more guidance.

[f1r3f1y3]

I have decided her living in an apartment nearby is a bad idea. We either try this again or we don't. We are either 100% commited to making this work, and we live under the same roof, or we are not, and we split. For our sons sake I think we need to make that decision first of all.

 

She was already looking for a job when this happened. We had talked previously, she said she was bored of being just a housewife and we both agreed it'd be great if she could find a job and some other activites.

 

Going back to marriage counselling is the only thing I can think of that we can change if she comes back.

 

With regards to that other man, I am completely confident she will never contact him again, I would stake my life on it. She is completely distraught right now and I am sure she will do absolutely anything to get me back at this moment in time. It's 6 months down the line I am worried about, if we don't get to the bottom of whatever need this is she has that I don't fullfill, and we begin this all over again.

 

Other than marriage counselling, I can't think of any other changes I can make to mitigate that risk.

[Ms Darcy]

How would you proceed if she told you she wasn't in love with you and she never was?

[f1r3f1y3]

End it immediately. She maintains that she is though.

[Ms Darcy]

End it immediately. She maintains that she is though.

 

Do you feel that she was in love with you and/or is currently in love with you?