chitownkara Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 So, I'm a 25 year old female living in Chicago and I've been dating someone for about the past 7 months. We dated in 2006-2007 and it ended in a horrible break-up. Mainly because I was young and immature and he is older (8 yrs my senior). To give the full details, we began dating in August 2006 and 3 months in to it, while checking my email on his PC (original intent wasn't to check his) but his email popped up instead of mine when I wrote in link removed and an email that was about me popped up and detailed that he had been sleeping with other women he told me were his "friends". I decided to forgive him, but in the following months, I became more and more insecure, always questioning him and not trusting him. I admit to faking myspace profiles (back then, definitely not now) and other shady things to get him to admit to things I was wondering about, versus just asking them myself. I know, I learned a lot from that whole situation and have since admitted to him what I made up was was dishonest about. Flash forward to August 2009 and he makes contact with me out of no where, asking me to meet him at a bar. I agree to go out of pure curiosity because we hadn't been cordial for years. Things were oddly normal and the same, like I had just seen him the day before. Foolishly, I went home with him and we started to date again... A couple weeks after our reunion, he went to NYC for business and I found out that he visited a girl he had recently dated in CT, and didn't tell me. He said he needed closure. He said they didn't sleep together but were affectionate. I guess that means kissing, holding hands and stuff. I forgave him given the fact we had just reconciled. In the next couple months, he told me about a friend that was visiting from college and she asked him to go to brunch on a Sunday. I, of course, said that was fine and later I found out he dated her about a year ago or so and actually accompanied her on a trip to Italy 2 years ago (because her original friend bailed) where of course, they hooked up the entire time. I haven't been able to get over that one and this has caused me to question his actions when he went to NYC. 2 weeks ago, we went to Puerto Rico together and it was a great trip. We have been fighting more about my not being able to trust him and it has come to surface lately that he can't let go of trusting me (bc of the stuff I did making up profiles in 2007). He left on a trip with a friend to Morocco last Friday (2/19) and told me he didn't see a future with us even though he has told me repeatidly he can, and that us not trusting each other and refusing to move on won't ever make this work and he thinks there's been too much damage. He thinks we should end it because he is 33 and wants to find who he's supposed to be with and that's not me. However, he wants to think about things while he's gone and what he wants to do but to not expect he comes back and wants to work on things. Then, he sends me an email on Sunday after being gone 2 days to tell me he arrived okay and that he misses me like he knew he would. Now I'm in this state where I hope he comes back and says he wants to work on us but keep getting upset and mad at myself for wanting that and I pretty much know he's going to come back and say that he doesn't see a future with me still. It breaks my heart because I've tried so hard to make this work and get past certain things. I need advice from people that haven't been involved in this situation on what I should do when he gets back. Is it worth sitting down to talk if he's going to say the same thing? Should I even want to work on things on the slight chance he does want to work on things to?? I've been a wreck this entire time he's gone (he gets back the 28th). I can't sleep, don't want to do anything, feel lost, mad, sad, angry, alone, all of that. I need some words of wisdom... Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 So, I'm a 25 year old female living in Chicago and I've been dating someone for about the past 7 months. We dated in 2006-2007 and it ended in a horrible break-up. Mainly because I was young and immature and he is older (8 yrs my senior). To give the full details, we began dating in August 2006 and 3 months in to it, while checking my email on his PC (original intent wasn't to check his) but his email popped up instead of mine when I wrote in link removed and an email that was about me popped up and detailed that he had been sleeping with other women he told me were his "friends". I decided to forgive him, but in the following months, I became more and more insecure, always questioning him and not trusting him. I admit to faking myspace profiles (back then, definitely not now) and other shady things to get him to admit to things I was wondering about, versus just asking them myself. I know, I learned a lot from that whole situation and have since admitted to him what I made up was was dishonest about. Flash forward to August 2009 and he makes contact with me out of no where, asking me to meet him at a bar. I agree to go out of pure curiosity because we hadn't been cordial for years. Things were oddly normal and the same, like I had just seen him the day before. Foolishly, I went home with him and we started to date again... A couple weeks after our reunion, he went to NYC for business and I found out that he visited a girl he had recently dated in CT, and didn't tell me. He said he needed closure. He said they didn't sleep together but were affectionate. I guess that means kissing, holding hands and stuff. I forgave him given the fact we had just reconciled. In the next couple months, he told me about a friend that was visiting from college and she asked him to go to brunch on a Sunday. I, of course, said that was fine and later I found out he dated her about a year ago or so and actually accompanied her on a trip to Italy 2 years ago (because her original friend bailed) where of course, they hooked up the entire time. I haven't been able to get over that one and this has caused me to question his actions when he went to NYC. 2 weeks ago, we went to Puerto Rico together and it was a great trip. We have been fighting more about my not being able to trust him and it has come to surface lately that he can't let go of trusting me (bc of the stuff I did making up profiles in 2007). He left on a trip with a friend to Morocco last Friday (2/19) and told me he didn't see a future with us even though he has told me repeatidly he can, and that us not trusting each other and refusing to move on won't ever make this work and he thinks there's been too much damage. He thinks we should end it because he is 33 and wants to find who he's supposed to be with and that's not me. However, he wants to think about things while he's gone and what he wants to do but to not expect he comes back and wants to work on things. Then, he sends me an email on Sunday after being gone 2 days to tell me he arrived okay and that he misses me like he knew he would. Now I'm in this state where I hope he comes back and says he wants to work on us but keep getting upset and mad at myself for wanting that and I pretty much know he's going to come back and say that he doesn't see a future with me still. It breaks my heart because I've tried so hard to make this work and get past certain things. I need advice from people that haven't been involved in this situation on what I should do when he gets back. Is it worth sitting down to talk if he's going to say the same thing? Should I even want to work on things on the slight chance he does want to work on things to?? I've been a wreck this entire time he's gone (he gets back the 28th). I can't sleep, don't want to do anything, feel lost, mad, sad, angry, alone, all of that. I need some words of wisdom...[/QUOTE] DUMP HIS BUTT! Link to comment
chitownkara Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 Easier said than done... Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Easier said than done... Not for me it wouldn't be. There are certain behaviors in men that I don't tolerate and that is cheating and dishonesty. I don't care handsome the fella is, how smart, or how much money he has, I am out of there. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed or the latest model but one thing I do have going for me is self respect... So, I'm a 25 year old female living in Chicago and I've been dating someone for about the past 7 months. We dated in 2006-2007 and it ended in a horrible break-up. Mainly because I was young and immature and he is older (8 yrs my senior). It is interesting how you immediately made excuses for his behavior. So you being much younger is the reason he cheated? Please... Link to comment
Lecturer Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 I really don't think you two have a future together. A lot of damage HAS been done, primarily by him. I don't agree with that popular and annoying cliche, "once a cheater, always a cheater", but in your guy's case, it seems like he is a serial cheater. You say you have trouble trusting him? I have trouble trusting him, and always would. It seems to me that he doesn't seem to hold your relationship with the respect and significance that you (or I) expect. That isn't something that can likely be fixed. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Think of it this way...when he finds a new girlfriend, he might be calling YOU up to go away on trips together! In other words, he is a serial cheater. He may be 8 years older than you but he is not at all mature. Being alone is far better than being with someone you can't trust because they have proven themselves time and time again to be untrustworthy. Link to comment
Emily100 Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 no wonder you don't trust him! he has given you 1,000 reasons NOT to. not only in the past but also during your reunion. If this man really loved you he would worked to earn and build trust with your trust. rather he did the opposite. Link to comment
chitownkara Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 Then if it's so clear, why am I struggling to get over all this and just waiting to hear what he says when he gets back on Sunday/Monday? Why would he write me an email to tell me he missed me like he knew he would while he's gone if this isn't what he wants? Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Then if it's so clear, why am I struggling to get over all this and just waiting to hear what he says when he gets back on Sunday/Monday? Why would he write me an email to tell me he missed me like he knew he would while he's gone if this isn't what he wants? Did the guy cheat on you, yes or no? Did he lie to you, yes or no? Is cheating and lying bad, yes or no? He is writing to tell you that he misses you to keep you on the hook. No telling who else is getting those same kind of emails... I think you may have issues with low self esteem which would make you an easy target for a guy like this. Link to comment
chitownkara Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 So what do I do? How do I move on? We're supposed to talk when he gets back and he's going to say he feels the same and that he wants to end things, but I keep hoping he says he wants to work on things. What do I do? I'm going nuts thinking about the possibilities and counting the days/minutes until he gets back. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 So what do I do? How do I move on? We're supposed to talk when he gets back and he's going to say he feels the same and that he wants to end things, but I keep hoping he says he wants to work on things. What do I do? I'm going nuts thinking about the possibilities and counting the days/minutes until he gets back. I already told you, dump his butt. Tell him you can never trust him and it is over. Don't listen to anything he says; he is a liar remember? Delete his number, block him from contacting you, cut all ties you have with him then go get counseling. Link to comment
shessofly Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 why is it so hard? you have gotten caught up in a vicious cycle and one that is sure to continue if you allow it. you wanted words of wisdom - we don't really need to tell you what to say. this man has cheated on you multiple times with multiple women. what more reason do you need? what more words do you need? DUMP HIM Link to comment
misslj Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I feel bad for you and he is not treating you the way a man should. I have to say something that'll probably not be good to hear - he takes all these trips away etc and mets up with women from the past, does it occur to you that he maybe has a gf already and you are just another one of the women from the past that he's meeting up with? I don't mean that to sound harsh - that's obviously not your fault if he is, but you do deserve to know the full truth and get the full commitment. My opinion is you have more time to find someone better and more respectful than him - he's running out of time to start a meaningful relationship with someone else if he wants a family and kids etc.... You have the upper hand and that's probably why he's treating you badly... to keep you from realising you have the upper hand.... That's just my opinion though... Hope you're ok. Try to be strong. x Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I have to say something that'll probably not be good to hear - he takes all these trips away etc and mets up with women from the past, does it occur to you that he maybe has a gf already and you are just another one of the women from the past that he's meeting up with? I don't mean that to sound harsh - that's obviously not your fault if he is, but you do deserve to know the full truth and get the full commitment. Hope you're ok. Try to be strong. x I know all of this isn't easy to hear, but I agree. You might be gf number 2 or 4 or 6. At the very least he's a serial cheater. The fact that you are hoping to work it out means that you need to get into therapy asap. Write him an email cutting him off and cut. him. off. He's admitted to doing inappropriate things with other women, said he doesn't see a future with you, said he'll want to end things. Can you pick your self-esteem up off the floor? This man thinks you are pathetic. Get ANGRY. Show him that you know you deserve better. Link to comment
captain_james Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 I can see forgiving cheating once. People make mistakes, and deserve second chances. This guy has used up any sense of "chance". Pick yourself up, have some self respect for yourself and move on. He's a liar and a cheat, and sounds like he always will be. You don't need him in your life. Link to comment
chitownkara Posted February 25, 2010 Author Share Posted February 25, 2010 You all definitely have great points. He's not going to the same places over and over again, but he could be doing other things behind my back now. I honestly don't think he is. He did when we were together the first time, but maybe that's just my denial. I am trying not to assume the worst in this situation to move on. I can't be a paranoid person forever. I'm the only woman he's ever commited to and I think he freaks out when he sees things getting serious. We've been back together for 6 months now and things have been getting very serious. I don't know what he will say when he gets back, but I have said if he was willing to go to counseling together, we should go and if we decide it's just not in the cards, we tried everything we could and hopefully would at least have benefited as individuals from the therapy. Maybe I'm just being idealistic and holding on to nothing and being stupid. Maybe I'm not. He's traveling right now so much because he works a high stress job that he recently left and is deciding between 2 very promininent positions that won't allow him much time to travel later. Not trying to make excuses, but he doesn't travel this much, typically... Link to comment
captain_james Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 You have a very easy problem here. It's cut and dry. Go look at my "confused" thread for a head scratcher. If she were your guy, she would be gone with no question Link to comment
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