I'm jammed up. A rant.

[Dako]

After a wonderful relationship ended, the lady is now a dear friend I admire.

I'm wondering what's next in my life.

 

I really like women, and sometimes get a bit dizzy just chatting with them. One pretty lady I know touches me and seems at ease with me, another tried to kiss me (she was drunk...well, so was I) after I overheard her in the kitchen saying nice things about me, and another lady wants me to meet her friend. I'm no prize, but I do seem to get along well with women.

 

Here's the rub.

I'm wary of women but rejection isn't the issue. Acceptance seems terrifying to me. What if some cutie likes me, and I go all gooey in the head and one thing leads to the other? Involvement.

 

I posted a profile on POF but soon deleted it. Too many lame check boxes and boasting and beach walks at sunset. The special matching software seems a coin toss. I was matched with such opposites I'm surprised they were all women. A potential minefield averted.

 

I'm as jammed up as the forum's lonely virgins who can't even say hello to a girl. I guess time will tell, but I'm no spring chicken.

 

Maybe spring fever will make my head explode.

[agent1607307371]

Maybe spring fever will make my head explode.

 

 

 

So are you looking for involvement but are freaked out by it, or are you looking to avoid it?

[Dako]

 

So are you looking for involvement but are freaked out by it, or are you looking to avoid it?

 

That's a brilliant question!

I'm probably trying to avoid responsibility.

I don't take people's feelings lightly.

[jettison]

Dako, on this front we are the same. Truly. For me, this all hit home about a month ago when I went to a little party, and this woman was giving me the once over from accross the room. She came up to me, stood very close, put her hand on my waist, and flirted her ass off. What did she say next? "Ummmm, why do you look terrified right now?" That's really what she said. Me, terrified? Holy what? That's not me. I'm the confident bloke who can give speeches and crack jokes in front of huge audiences. Who can walk up to strangers and start conversations about anything at all. That's me. This version of me? Who is he?

 

So why do I feel that way? If I see someone that I could like, I bring it through every step in my mind from hand holding, to first kiss, to sex, to relationship, to a fight, to uneasiness, to breakup. It's like for some people how life will flash before their eyes in a blink when they are near death, for me, subconsciously, a new relationship must represent death because I see it that way every time.

 

And my conclusion? You can only hold your hand over the oven so many times, and get burned so many times, and have to heal from those wounds so many times, before your subconscious brain starts screaming "enough already! Keep your hand away from the open flame you idiot!"

 

So for me, it's about recognzing my instincts, and then completely ignoring them. What I need is for every day to be "Opposite Day".

[Dako]

Thanks for your reply, jettison.

 

I sometimes feel like a freak. I adore the women I've loved, and don't feel burnt, but loss stings.

 

I think women wonder "What's his problem?" and I even told one gal I have a BF (my dog) but I don't wanna be rude.

 

At least you let me feel I'm not alone.

Thanks.

[tiredofvampires]

That's a brilliant question!

I'm probably trying to avoid responsibility.

I don't take people's feelings lightly.

 

So is it the hurting of her feelings, potentially, that is the worst of this for you?

 

(Despite the natural fact that loss stings, for yourself as well.)

[jettison]

Thanks for your reply, jettison.

 

I sometimes feel like a freak. I adore the women I've loved, and don't feel burnt, but loss stings.

 

I think women wonder "What's his problem?" and I even told one gal I have a BF (my dog) but I don't wanna be rude.

 

At least you let me feel I'm not alone.

Thanks.

 

I adore the women I've loved too. Honestly, every one of them except for this last one (thus far) have been exceedingly good to me, have loved me thoroughly, and have taught me so much. I miss every freaking one of them. Maybe that's part of my problem.

[tiredofvampires]

I sometimes feel like a freak.

 

Oh, and furthermore, you have become daft, Your Highness.

[Dako]

Oh, and furthermore, you have become daft, Your Highness.

 

Must be old age and absinthe.

[tiredofvampires]

You know, this is probably the least original thing that has ever been uttered on this forum, and certainly by myself....but there is no loving without risking (ugh, I actually did say that.) I really believe this though, that as Jettison said, each relationship brings with it the hurts that help us to grow and teach us, as well as the glorious moments to revel in as memories. It's a mixed bag every single time. And every person is responsible for being mature about the risks and benefits of the operation, eyes wide open, when they go in. That is to say, any lady who wishes to become involved with you assumes the responsibility for her own lessons, and her feelings. It's to your credit that you feel "responsible" for not taking others' feeling lightly, but these are things that your partner takes upon herself equally by becoming involved.

 

If you are honest in your intentions, and sincere, and open, and up-front that is all you can be. Those are your responsibilities.

 

It's possible that giving a lady the chance to take her chances would be something she'd prefer over not having the chance with you.

[Dako]

Thanks, TOV.

I tend to go overboard worrying about others. I should probably stay solo for a good while and get my house in order.

I just wish women weren't so pretty. Arrgh!