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Learning lesson not to put all eggs in one basket


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I had a great marriage but won't do it again. Not only will people disappoint women especially will eventually turn on you. My ex used to say like so many others, that she didn't like/trust other women because they will stab you in the back and turn on you. Well she did the same thing to me when she cheated after being together 14 years. She rewrote our history in her mind and made ME the villain to justify her actions. She even talked trash about me to our daughter. The person I used to know with great character and i never caught her look at another guy with me, no longer exists. This is one of the reasons that I am looking for a sweet gal to lower those odds. I have always been attracted to sweel girls and it usually adds 1.5 to their desirability on a scale of 1-10. A 6 who is sweet is at least a 7.5

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Good point about people changing. I wasn't the perfect husband and treated her too much like a business partner and created a void of affection. She could be sweet but usually played the part to get affection. People at these boards are likely feeling how could you and that promises mean nothing. They invested a lot of effort and time and it can all go down the drain so quickly do to " feelings' changing. I was co-dependent and I won't make that mistake again. It is truly important to keep you own life, friends, etc. when in any relationship. Don't invest too much into one person. Tradition no longer makes as much sense as it used to.

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Good point about people changing. I wasn't the perfect husband and treated her too much like a business partner and created a void of affection. She could be sweet but usually played the part to get affection. People at these boards are likely feeling how could you and that promises mean nothing. They invested a lot of effort and time and it can all go down the drain so quickly do to " feelings' changing. I was co-dependent and I won't make that mistake again. It is truly important to keep you own life, friends, etc. when in any relationship. Don't invest too much into one person. Tradition no longer makes as much sense as it used to.

 

Are you advising us to play the field? To cheat?

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Not sure how you got that out of it but the fact is that many things that are a tradition no longer work.

 

College for example is a BIG waist of time and money for MOST. Paying to take theory classes that you are required to take from theory professors who never accomplished anything in the real world is foolish.

 

Before you let it attack your ego just know that not one person ever was able to out debate be on this issue. ( and I have a worthless degree)

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Good point about people changing. I wasn't the perfect husband and treated her too much like a business partner and created a void of affection. She could be sweet but usually played the part to get affection. People at these boards are likely feeling how could you and that promises mean nothing. They invested a lot of effort and time and it can all go down the drain so quickly do to " feelings' changing. I was co-dependent and I won't make that mistake again. It is truly important to keep you own life, friends, etc. when in any relationship. Don't invest too much into one person. Tradition no longer makes as much sense as it used to.

 

I know you're hurting, kinda angry, and I don't want to jump on you. However the above will kill a lot - probably most - relationships. That will manifest as rejection. Once you get to that point your partner will search for someone to fill that void and remove rejection from their lives. They will find validation. With or without you.

 

 

Wanted to add that I didn't mean to imply cheating is right or justified. I meant to say someone will leave a relationship to find that validation - not cheat to find it. 'With or without' meaning they'll leave you to find what is missing. Her cheating to get that validation is wrong and shows a lack of something.

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I know you're hurting, kinda angry, and I don't want to jump on you. However the above will kill a lot - probably most - relationships. That will manifest as rejection. Once you get to that point your partner will search for someone to fill that void and remove rejection from their lives. They will find validation. With or without you.

 

 

Very true and that's exactly what happened. I wish I hadn't made this major mistake and learned the lesson in a book before it was too late. She told me that she felt I didn't want her and that this new guy does. Uhh plenty of people would want her and so did I for a year after the split. She doesn't say she has resentment but she does. She never dressed revealing to gain respect and post split had this low cut shirt and even our daughter said mom button tht up and I had this look of disgust. Yes she changed from desiring respect to simply be desired and all of our plans of combining strengths to make a difference in the world. ( her cause was to help children in india sold into prostitution) out the window now. I am still passionate about making a difference and this extra time is helping.

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Always be wary of anyone who trashes their own gender or people en masse, as everyone tends to see other people through their own lens. In essence, it's a form of projection since you know what you're capable of doing, therefore the assumption is that other men or women will willingly do the same.

 

It sounds like there were issues in the marriage. I agree that creating a void of affection and codependency, aren't ingredients for a successful marriage. In this, you have to accept responsibility for these issues. But your wife has to accept that she has some dysfunctional coping tools, which was to look for external validation, while remaining within the confines of the marriage. If she was unhappy, she should have expressed this to you and if you refused to do anything about it, it's up to her to walk away from the marriage, rather than cheat.

 

Having said all that, would you still be blaming her, had she not cheated but walked away from the marriage? Something to consider.

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I am telling people and especially men to think twice before getting married.

 

And this is the reason I'm fearful of love now. Why I'm jaded. Because of people saying stuff like this... not just you... friends,family,aquaintences, the media... because I dont think I will EVER find anyone who is not afraid to love me forever.

 

my ex broke up with me because he was too afraid to make a commitment to me. I was always loyal. we loved each other more than either of us had loved anyone else. But he wont come back, because he's terrified. Because people like you and the rest of society made him that way. thanks a lot.

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And this is the reason I'm fearful of love now. Why I'm jaded. Because of people saying stuff like this... not just you... friends,family,aquaintences, the media... because I dont think I will EVER find anyone who is not afraid to love me forever.

 

my ex broke up with me because he was too afraid to make a commitment to me. I was always loyal. we loved each other more than either of us had loved anyone else. But he wont come back, because he's terrified. Because people like you and the rest of society made him that way. thanks a lot.

 

 

If you are genuinely sweet and don't have it in you like most PEOPLE to betray then he is the one missing out. Society , the economy etc. has changed but perhaps make it your passion to help people like I am. Sorry if being a straight shooter upset you but society desperately needs tell it like it is , ethical leaders who think outside the box and don't care if some followers get bothered along the way.

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This whole premise if false. It's like saying "I don't want to live anymore because I know that I will die, and I don't know when that death will happen." It's the same thing. You can choose not to love, but what a silly concept. Of course it will end. So will your next meal. So will tomorrow. So does every flower. So does every flight of a bird. So does every sunset.

 

Love ends. Once you grasp that it is suppose to end, that it is alright that it ends, that nothing is permanent, and that that's part of what lends it its intrigue, its grace, its mystery, its power, then you will never write such nonsense. There is never a reason not to love. Your love could last an hour, but if it's a special enough moment then its worth it.

 

If anyone out there had a love they knew would never die, one in which they felt safe 100% of the time, one in which there was no strife, one that was easy, one that was void of discontent, then what they would have is either a friendship or else a dead romance. That's not romantic love. You would lose all sense of passion for this person. A fundamental ingredient of romantic love is that it will end, and that you feel off-balance. It's learning to live off-kilter, and also accept all the messy stuff that goes with it, as well as the impermanence, that creates a wise lover who can really put themselves out there and really love.

 

When you are afraid that your love will end, you are no longer loving. You are fearing. Fear is the opposite of love, and fear will kill any and every relationship.

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To tell all men not to marry because you got cheated on is...well, absurd. I am sorry this happened to you, especially after such a long marriage. But using her as a barometer of all women is only going to lessen your chances of loving again. There are many loyal, wonderful women out there. Don't let your ex prevent you from believing that.

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