To stay or go

[Snarfing]

Well, some of you may know and remember my story from about a month or so ago.

 

Run down ...

 

Dated 5 years with no breaks. Spent every minute of our lives together. Had planned marriage, kids, house the works. Around December we split. She said it was because "she had lost feelings" and I was "no longer the same guy I was". I did the whole beg, plead, ask for another chance. After a few weeks of that I gave up. She then began talking to another guy. Month and 1/2 later she began dating the other guy. I went complete NC about two weeks after the split until about a month or so ago.

 

She went from basically telling everyone she was done with me. To slowly progressing to random friends to see what I was up to. Then to I miss him, tell him I said hi. One night I even went to her sisters house (She was meeting a guy for the first time and didn't want the guy to be creeper.) So she kindly asked me to swing by and make sure things went ok. I said no problem. For some reason My ex randomly decided to show up that night just to see what I was up to. We talked about random things. She noticed that I have been hitting the gym. Said I looked good, etc. etc. We hugged (a pretty big hug where you pick them up and swing them around. She was all smiles)

 

Back to NC after that.

 

One random day in January, I was hanging out on MSN. Doing some homework and I received a message. The message basically said that I am sorry for what I have done to you. It hurts me to see you moved on and wish you the best in your future. I still think of you and miss you every day.

 

I did not reply and confused by the whole situation. A few days later I talked with her sister (whom I am very close friends with), I sat down with her and told her what her sister (my ex) had said. She told me that the guy she was with was a complete idiot. That was fed up with his bull crap. She said that she complained about how I would never treat her like that. They even broke up because my ex texted her sister asking about me. Somehow though, they managed to get back together.

 

A few weeks after the apology she sent me another instant message. Basically saying how she was still in love with me. That she missed me and felt that there was parts of her missing without me there. She missed me being there for her every day. How I complemented her on her looks. How I helped her when in need with homework/studying for classes. I even had a reward system. Every question she would get right, she would get a kiss

 

Now it seems that she talks to me 3-4 times a week now. (A lot more then before). She still tells me she is confused by what to do with her life. She tells me she used to plan her life out. Now she lives her life day by day. A week ago was our 5 year anniversary. She messaged me asking if I remember what that day would be. I told her how could I forget? Then she went into her "well we would still not have been engaged". I kindly explained to her that that was my intentions and I had been planning on asking the big question. All she replied with was a face. She asked how my football team was going (I play for an indoor flag football team we travel all over Massachusetts). She told me that she missed hanging out with me and my guy friends and how she would watch and wait for me and just loved to see me out there having fun.

 

We speak pretty much anywhere from 3-5 times a week on messenger. She says she is afraid to talk talk to me ??? I don't understand that. If you love me and miss me why not talk to me? I guess, she doesn't want the other guy to find out?

 

She has never been the player type. So I imagine what she says to me is genuine. She was never a mean person that would do anything like that. I was her first everything. Long term relationship, sex, etc. etc. She does remain with her current guy in which she tells me how she gets sick of how he doesn't spend time with her and her family. That is never leaves the house. Where as I had became part of their family.

 

I guess what I am asking is what should I do? I did the whole NC thing and helped me move forward and learn to stand on my own two feet. It makes me alright which ever situation we end up with.

 

I just don't see why the constant contact and the constant I miss yous and have a piece of me missings ... if her heart wasn't still with me.

 

BTW, I was referred here by my good friend Chris Knows.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think if you can't handle this contact with her and it's preventing you from moving on you should go back to NC for a while. It does sounds like she is very confused but what she is doing isn't fair to you. I think she needs to make a decision one way or another, and it would be better for her to make that decision with you not being around.

[TechResQ]

Welcome to eNA! Wow, I think it's time for you to ask her point blank if she wants to get back together. She is kind of leaving you hanging by a thread...which certainly isn't fair to you and can't feel very good, knowing she is with this other man.

 

Sounds to me like she really doesn't know what she wants. But she keeps both of you around just in case she figures it out...

 

I think maybe you should just ask her if she wants to get back together and if she says she doesn't know, then maybe you should go NC again.

 

just my thoughts.

 

Good Luck.

[syxx87]

Sounds kind of similar to my situation! My ex split with me at the end of November for another guy. I begged and pleaded for the first two weeks then kind of started pulling away. Then she started coming around telling me how much she loved me still and missed me and had me thinking we were gonna get back together. After New Years, I told her I was going strict NC, then after a month of NC, she dumped the other guy she left me for because she "still loves me". However, she claims that she is confused and doesnt know what she wants right now and wants to be single for now to sort her feelings out but wants to still hangout with both of us.

 

I'm for sure not gonna stick around and hang with her just for her to possibly give me false hope and have two of us in the palm of her hands. I just decided it was back to NC I went and this time I didnt even tell her. The mentality that I'm kind of developing is that if I stick around, we might get back together but then I look like her tool and let her know that she can do this when she pleases, or I invest all that emotion just to possibly get hurt again. If I just get out of the picture again, I'll see how much she really loves me. She may or may not come back but I'm tired of sitting around waiting for her to figure out what it is that she wants.

[syxx87]

Welcome to eNA! Wow, I think it's time for you to ask her point blank if she wants to get back together. She is kind of leaving you hanging by a thread...which certainly isn't fair to you and can't feel very good, knowing she is with this other man.

 

Sounds to me like she really doesn't know what she wants. But she keeps both of you around just in case she figures it out...

 

I think maybe you should just ask her if she wants to get back together and if she says she doesn't know, then maybe you should go NC again.

 

just my thoughts.

 

Good Luck.

 

Do you think it would be better just to disappear off the face of the earth and not inform the ex of going NC, that way she also wonders whats going on? Or would it be better to lay it all on the table and let them know how you feel then go NC? I ask because I'm in a similar situation. The first time I went NC, I told her I was and it would stay that way as long as she was with the guy she left me for and after a month thats when she dumped the guy then tried coming around again just to tell me she is still confused and doesnt know what she wants. I'm debating if I should just drop off the face of the Earth and go NC unannounced or again just tell her how I feel then do it.

[Snarfing]

That is what confuses me the most. You had me. You didn't want me. I left. Now you say you want me back. If you don't want me back then why act and try like you want me back?

[metafisics]

I agree fully with shoefairy! Also, if you wonder whether you should make a move or not, I would say not! Tell her in a very polite way that its not appropriate for her to discuss her unhappiness in her relationship whilst he is still with the other guy, then suggest going back to NC.

[DN]

I would tell her that you have come to the point where you need to completely move on with your life. You had hoped to spend the rest of it with her but she chose differently and is with someone else so it is in your best interests now to not see her or talk to her any more. Wish her happiness and long life and say goodbye.

[Snarfing]

BTW, ALL Contact is initiated by her. I never initiate the contact.

[TechResQ]

Do you think it would be better just to disappear off the face of the earth and not inform the ex of going NC, that way she also wonders whats going on? Or would it be better to lay it all on the table and let them know how you feel then go NC? I ask because I'm in a similar situation. The first time I went NC, I told her I was and it would stay that way as long as she was with the guy she left me for and after a month thats when she dumped the guy then tried coming around again just to tell me she is still confused and doesnt know what she wants. I'm debating if I should just drop off the face of the Earth and go NC unannounced or again just tell her how I feel then do it.

 

I agree with DN on this...

 

Tell her that you can't just hang around on the side lines until and IF she makes up her mind and then go NC.

[TechResQ]

BTW, ALL Contact is initiated by her. I never initiate the contact.

 

you can always block her on your phone and MSN...I think that would get the point accross. Because as long as you answer her messages, she is still being encouraged...know what I mean?

[Taikero]

Dated 5 years with no breaks. Spent every minute of our lives together.

 

So wait, she dumps you like a sack of potatoes after 5 years of being good to her and then comes crawling back when her new guy isn't working out? Maybe I'm painting this situation wrong but it sounds like she might have gotten bored and thought she could get better but got a swift reminder of just how crap things really are in most relationships. Now she wants the easy, good relationship back, even if she doesn't have feelings for you anymore.

 

Having said that, if you want to get back with her, tell her to talk to you when she's serious about trying to work things out (e.g. not with this other guy), and cut off communication until then. You need to make it clear to her you don't want to reenter a relationship with her unless she has true feelings for you again. After all that work for 5 years you don't deserve to get back with someone who has lost their feelings for you and just wants what's easy and nice. I am dumbfounded she didn't try harder to salvage your relationship after all that time, and I wouldn't be so quick to rush back into things with her in this case.

[Snarfing]

She thought I had a commitment phobia. She felt she was wasting her time with me if I wasn't going to be with her the rest of my life.

[Taikero]

She thought I had a commitment phobia. She felt she was wasting her time with me if I wasn't going to be with her the rest of my life.

 

...So she didn't just ask you, before threatening ending the relationship, if you were planning on proposing?

 

I'm really trying to piece this together because it just makes no sense to me. First it was she lost feelings for you and you were different, now it's you have a commitment phobia, though you flat out stated you were planning on proposing and had a life plan already in the works. If it was the commitment phobia thing, then something got lost in the communication between you two because you obviously wanted the same thing. If she really thought that she should have confirmed your intentions before just tossing a 5 year relationship out the window.

[Snarfing]

...So she didn't just ask you, before threatening ending the relationship, if you were planning on proposing?

 

I'm really trying to piece this together because it just makes no sense to me. First it was she lost feelings for you and you were different, now it's you have a commitment phobia, though you flat out stated you were planning on proposing and had a life plan already in the works. If it was the commitment phobia thing, then something got lost in the communication between you two because you obviously wanted the same thing. If she really thought that she should have confirmed your intentions before just tossing a 5 year relationship out the window.

 

I guess she lost feelings for me because she did not think I would commit and thought I had a commitment phobia. I am guessing that she thought why waste my time if he is not serious.

 

I didn't talk about commiting to her because I thought you were supposed to let that be a surprise. Maybe I missed the boat on that one

[Taikero]

I didn't talk about commiting to her because I thought you were supposed to let that be a surprise. Maybe I missed the boat on that one

 

I'd say shame on the both of you for not being more straightforward about what you wanted. You could've probably avoided all of this with even the occasional mention of plans for a house, or a future together, or something. After all, that is what you want(ed) with her. You never have to spill the beans about when you're going to propose (though really, 5 years? Come on, propose already!), but you can't just leave her completely in the dark for 5 years.

 

Honestly if what you say is accurate and true the blame lies on both of you for not working harder to find out what the true intentions and needs of the other person was, letting what you thought govern how you let your relationship play out instead of what was actually there in both your hearts and heads.

[tattoobunnie]

I guess she lost feelings for me because she did not think I would commit and thought I had a commitment phobia. I am guessing that she thought why waste my time if he is not serious.

 

I didn't talk about commiting to her because I thought you were supposed to let that be a surprise. Maybe I missed the boat on that one

 

Wait..."Had planned marriage, kids, house the works"...sounds like you did.

 

I don't know...sounds like she got "distracted" and throwing every excuse at you, so she doesn't look like the bad guy and always the victim. Cuz if you honestly think the marriage thing was the only reason...I'm sure you already know what you need to do. But in this case...there's more to it.

[JBaker]

Snarfing:

 

It sounds like you have a significant power over her right now. It might not be a bad idea to tell her tell her that you are at a point where you need to either begin working toward getting back together or to move on with your life without her in it. From the way she is talking it seems as though the odds in such a decision would be in your favor.