Breaking the No Contact (NC) Rule!

[Mr. Good Man]

I’ve seen a lot of posts where people broke the NC rule. What I would like to know is how many of you, who broke the NC rule, actually had a positive outcome with the relationship?

 

In my case, each time I broke the rule it caused more pain than it was worth.

 

I’ve learned to ask myself one question before making contact again, "Did the person make noticeable and consistent improvements in the areas that caused the problem(s) in the first place?"

 

If I have any doubts the NC rule continues until I’m able to control my feelings when I’m around that person.

[murrayfaces]

I have broken no contact on numerous occasions with the same person, and I can honestly say that nothing postive came out of it. In fact, on several of those breaks, it was downright bad, violent, awful, terrible.

 

Since the last one, I realize now why I had to leave this person. I remembered what a rotten individual this person had become, and how far they had tkaen themselves away from being the person I once did miss, but don't anymore. So, I guess you can consider that at least slightly positive, although I would never recommend that to someone as a way to get over somebody.

[BrotherD]

Mr Goodman

 

I'm curious about the desired outcome of NO CONTACT as well. What we have to be clear on though is NC is not a game to get someone to come back. NC is about getting your head on straight and accepting that it's over! Once you get you head around that your gonna be a whole lot better...A side effect of NC is once they see your moving on and not pushing anymore, your attractivness comes back and they start to miss you. Here's the catch-22, you'll probably be over them by then. Life's funny no? As far as a positive outcome story, here's mine. I have gotten better because of NC! I realized how much power I was giving up to my other half! Be choosing to walk away, I have shifted control of my life back to me! That's good news, and that's the result of NC is that it ALWAYS gives perspective...

[mlchildr]

Does anyone have any success stories of no contact working for them as in getting back together. It is nice to hear some of these. I know that No Contact is helping me move on. Do you thinkit is true that they can sense that you have moved on and that is when they try to come back. Funny thing is I wouldn't take him back now. Just want to know if there are any stories.

[BrotherD]

mlchildr

 

I'll stick with my previous post. When they know your over it and moved on, you have in essense hit the "re-set" button and have returned to equal parity in the relationship. Wether you can re-establish the bond afterwards I don't know. Rent the movie "Swingers" for a great depiction of a dumper coming back. Really helpful in understanding...As a dumpee pushing 2 months NC, I am resolved to see this through so personally, I don't have any news at this point. I deserve the effort from the other side to make contact with me. If not, so be it.

[Mr. Good Man]

BrotherD,

 

It is my belief, like yours, that the NO CONTACT rule is about

“getting your head on straight …”

and moving forward with your life. It is during this time that one can decide if it is “best” for them to go back or to keep moving.

 

Unfortunately, too many people see the NO CONTACT rule as a game to manipulate people. As many will learn it tends to backfire every time.

 

Oh yes, your attractiveness does come back when you’re not the one pursuing. It’s common for people to desire what they cannot have.

 

BrotherD, you hit the nail on the head…too many people give up their power willingly to another they claim to love. It’s important for people to know it’s great to be a couple but you must never lose yourself within the relationship.

 

A change of perspective is always a good thing when you’re in pain regarding a NO Contact move!

 

mlchildr,

 

Like you, I am waiting for success stories. I personally don’t know of any.

 

I’m glad to hear that the NO CONTACT rule is helping you to move on. I know it’s not easy but stay on track.

[AN2004]

The no contact thing is probably one of the most mental things I have ever done. Especially when someone is in your life for a long time, and then overnight you are not speaking. I am a prime example of where the No Contact thing would have worked. She is with another guy now, and I believe me constantly calling and begging over a two week period after the break up actually gave her more reason to be with this other guy. When we first broke up, it was a big ???? in her mind.

 

Now I think it is very clear to her, as 1.) the other guy sees me as a threat and needs to do good. 2.) Me being a groveling idiot made me that much more un attractive.

 

It is still very hard, and I am no longer doing NC to try to gain her back, but make it easier to forget all the good times we had together

[TheDoctor]

Hey guys Im new here but I was going through the internet and found this forum to be exactly what im going through. The whole no contact thing and what it has done for me and here I go. It's kinda long but very informitive if you wanna know the truth about NC breakups;

 

I was with this girl for 1 year and 5 months but Ive known her since high school and I was really there for her like crazy. She was 2 notches above obsessed with me. She wanted to marry me and asked for my hand in marriage several times. But the problem with the relationship was her ex bf was always in the picture. Eventually, I just got sick of it and one day at a resteraunt she turned around and made a comment like," I was with my friends today and they brought their ex's along. SEE! Not all ex's need to be out of the picture and all these girls have bfs". Suddenly, infront of the family I just broke down I couldnt take it anymore....it was like he would ALWAYS mean more to her than I did. I had enough...I was SOOOO good to this girl I mean ridiculously and everyone knew I was better looking, had so much more to offer on the table. So I went to her house the next day and she started off with an attitude. Then she turned around and said," I dont like the way you acted last night." I said what the ?! After everything you said IM the one who acted bad? I said look...I just think that even after I let you talk to your ex you still get mad at me...then she cut me off before I can finish and said you dont LET ME talk to him I can do whatever I want....I said look. Im such a good bf to you...this guy LITERALLY tried to break us up. Of course Im gonna say I let you talk to him because I should have a say in it and btw no guy out there is willing to get involved with some1 with this much baggage. She said YES THERE IS! I said nope...she said YES THERE IS! I said.....u wanna find out? She said YUP....then i just got my shoes and as I was leaving she was very scared but acted strange and I even asked," Are you sure you want to do this?" She said MHMMM....so I was in shock and as I was leaving she said can I get my pillow and the emblem I gave you. I said no..ill ship it to you screw you I never wanna see you again. So anyway....its been 2 months and I havent contacted her back. In the past 2 months she has done the following: After 2 weeks of the breakup she blocks me and all my friends from the internet as if to say well *uck you too, she has made a profile on a website where she has praised god about how shes so happy shes finally "free" then after a few days she posted another article stating how shes a changed person and how life is a funny thing..clearly shes dwelling on the past, then she has done something she was strongly against and thats made another sn so she can be on two at once so she can probably monitor my activities since shes blocked me, and she has attacked this girl I talk to claiming it was her fault for the breakup. We havent spoken since and I dont know if we ever will again....I THINK we need to talk to sort some *beep* out but in the end ive moved on and all I can say in the end is this: IF YOU WERE THE BETTER PERSON IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND YOU WERE REALLY GOOD TO THEM DONT WORRY....MOVE ON AND ONE DAY.....ONE DAY THEY WILL KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT. THEN THEY WILL CRUMBLE. BUT BY THEN YOULL BE OFF WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND HAPPY WHILE THEY ARE STUCK WITH BROKEN PRIDE SAYING...WHY'D I DO THIS? Hope I wa sof some help.

[TheDoctor]

To everyone on this post...thank you so much. Ive had a pretty weird time with this no contact thing and I felt so along and now to see you all going through it makes me feel good. Mr. Good man keep the wisdom coming man and to the person who is going through 2 months of NC I feel you man EXACT SAME SITUATION here......keep yo head up and find some new girl...just remember the highs werent that high but the lows were real low...and also if you were the better mate walk away knowing they will regret it one day

[Canterbury_Child]

I'm going through a breakup and ive tried maintaining contact but it hasn't helped things at all, infact things have escalated..... The breakup comes about because I can't handle committment but thats another story.... Thing is, I have to do the NC thing because I'm not going to be able to let go and sort stuff out in myself... To me, NC means taking a big step back and looking at my life from a more clearer perspective.. It isn't happening straight away, may take months, but anything is better than constant confusion... I'm telling myself that anyway

[Mun]

This is how I see it... Below

[Mun]

Hello everyone,

You have to use NC as a way to heal and to pull yourself away from a stressful situation. NC has more to do with clearing your head than getting the ex back.

 

The thing is that after a few weeks or months of NC the other person sometimes comes back and the good thing is that you are sometimes better able to see the situation in a new light thanks to NC. You have calmed down. You have thought about the reason for the break up and you have evaluated whether or not this person was the right one for you. If the ex comes back you are no longer in crazy mode, you can rationalize the situation better.

 

If the ex does not come back-you now have a clear head and can move on hopefully to a more fulfilling relationship. You have taken back your power, and hopefully your self-esteem and know what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Either way you win.

Good luck!

[TheDoctor]

Muneca..that is very very true! I look back at the relationship and go...wow I would never take that stuff again. So I definitley agree with you. My head is very straight and she would barely be able to recognize me if she ever saw me again

[TheDoctor]

BTW, Moneca or anyone. This girl was obsessed with me! Wanted to marry me! And the thought of breaking up made her cry so hard. A friend of hers told me she does nothing now and is still single and is basically stuck in a rut. I havent spoken to her in 2 months...once her pride wears off..you think shell contact me back? I still have some talking to do as far as what she put me through. I kinda dwell on that..wether or not shell ever talk to me again.

[patrickgamer]

Sure, if you ended up with a bad person, then you don't need any more bagage. But if you were close, (and especially if you are at least partially to blame), then there's no need to adhere to the NC rule.

 

I've hit a really rough time myself, ( link removed ), and I endured and persisted. We opened up communications shortly after my last post on that thread. Now, everything seems to be better. We're not together again, but we may be in time.

 

I guess my take on it is simple: a mature person has two paths. I want to get back together = no NC. I don't need that f#%@ = definate NC. I don't see NC as a tool to get back someone you've lost, because let's face it, if you're not there, then its that much easier to forget about you and move on. Sure there'll be some jealousy when he/she sees you with someone else without having any contact themselves, but it'll pass, (aka mixed messages...).

 

So I say be straight. If you want them back, talk to them. There's a reason why you two broke up, and you can't get back together until it's been cleared. And in the mean time, you're missing a good friend. And if you're not, then you should probably be reconsidering if you should get back together.

 

Well, that's my rant for the time being...

[Mun]

Doctor I think that girl is going to call you again. If she is in a rut and hasn't done much since the break up, chances are you are on her mind alot. Good communication is the key, preferably face to face. Ask for what you want and be clear and let her be clear with you. Maybe she has thought things out and will give you want you want in this relationship.

It might not be right away, but since you were the offended party here: let her contact you first.

 

If she was obsessed with you ( I know how that feels-heh I've done it) and she wanted to marry you-then she must care about you alot. Those kind of feeling don't go away overnight. Good luck!

[TheDoctor]

thanks alot moneca! I made a post for you to read on this forum

[jamiek]

I've read a few times that if a man doesn't come back to you within eight weeks - it's over and not to comtact him, of course. It said that men can go on with their lives for four weeks and be fine and that it takes them 6 - 8 weeks to process a decision and possibly come back. I wondered if the men out there have any thoughts on this. My guy dumped me out of nowhere, earlier that night he was saying something about me being the way to his heart. Then later he said he wasn't prepared to be in a committed relationship and we should see other people - total shock to me. My guess is that I had been voicing more expectations recently (nothing huge, just normal things) and he got freaked / uncomfortable (meanwhile he is the one who wnated me so much and wanted more with me before). He fits the passive-aggressive personality and they resent expectations and they also pay you back if you hurt them (I for the first time, got angry over something that night and got very snotty with him). Or, he thought that I was going to break up with him so he did it first (it ws right after I began a conversation to talk about some things). I just don't know. This is my first time being dunmped - it's so hard and hurtfull especially when you never expected it in a million years from someone. I feel so betrayed and confused. It's been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him at all. I thought I would. My friends say that I deserve to understand and knwo why and have closure and that I should ask for it but I'm so stubborn and still hope he'll call. We were together 5 months (he wasn't a good communicator). I wonder HOW LONG it usually takes men to realize, miss us .... ??? I know you would all say I shouldn't call. He's kind of insecure a bit and I wonder if he is afraid to call thinking I'm angry and will reject him? Help?