patrickgamer

Sure, if you ended up with a bad person, then you don't need any more bagage. But if you were close, (and especially if you are at least partially to blame), then there's no need to adhere to the NC rule. I've hit a really rough time myself, ( link removed ), and I endured and persisted. We opened up communications shortly after my last post on that thread. Now, everything seems to be better. We're not together again, but we may be in time. I guess my take on it is simple: a mature person has two paths. I want to get back together = no NC. I don't need that f#%@ = definate NC. I don't see NC as a tool to get back someone you've lost, because let's face it, if you're not there, then its that much easier to forget about you and move on. Sure there'll be some jealousy when he/she sees you with someone else without having any contact themselves, but it'll pass, (aka mixed messages...). So I say be straight. If you want them back, talk to them. There's a reason why you two broke up, and you can't get back together until it's been cleared. And in the mean time, you're missing a good friend. And if you're not, then you should probably be reconsidering if you should get back together. Well, that's my rant for the time being...

You know, Mattyboy, I'm gonna try. I don't think I'll succeed, but what the f@#$, right? I'm 99% sure she just screwed some bloody jerk, so what the hell... You know, I feel very bipolar. I flip from utter dismay to pure rage... Way to make me look wacky.

So Mattyboy, You know what I find I'm asking myself a lot? "Why wasn't my love enough?". I think it's a prety fair question. I mean, after all, as far as I'm concerned, no one will ever be able to love her as strongly or deeply as myself. What about you? Do you ask yourself these kind of questions?

I want to share this with you people, since you are all such good listeners: When we got engaged, we were both in university together, (how we met), so we were really poor. I couldn't afford a ring. So it wasn't until two years later that I could save up enough for something small, (it wasn't much, but it was everything I had at the time). She was away visiting a friend in texas over the Christmas break, and she wasn't coming back until just before New Years, (and our aniversary of when we first dated/kissed was December 8th). So I got her a wooden chest, and put it on her bed, surrounded by blue roses, (her favourit colour). And there were four drawers, one on top of the other, (imagin a standing triangular shape with stars and moons to match her bed cover). I put roses in each of the drawers, and a piece of a poem -well, more like prose- I wrote her, (I cut it so that a piece would fit in each of the drawers). The top drawer obviously had the last piece, and the ring, (i kept it in the velvet box, and covered the ring inside with a pettal, so she wouldn't see it until the last moment). Anyways, this is what I put in the chest: All my life I dreamt of being someone else. Of being older or younger, of being more athletic or intelligent. I wanted to be almost anyone other than me: someone who mattered, someone special. But I've always stayed the same person, and I hated it. These unfulfilled dreams whent on for many years. But 40 months ago something in me changed. I laughed more. I stressed less. I stopped dreaming of being someone else, and started dreaming of you. We became great friends. We laughed and joked, we played and worked. But most importantly, we did these together. After a while, my dreams began to take form. We kissed and we hugged, we slept and we talked. Then my dreams started to change again. And over the months they shifted and reformed. Then, one night, on a cold tiled floor my dreams once again took form... You said yes. Many more months went by. We taught and learned from each other, and we were still close friends. But we fought and we argued, we got angry and we cried. And my dreams latered once again. So here we are now, looking back at the last 40 months, and recounting the steps that brought us here. I gave you my friendship when we first met, my lips when we first kissed. I gave you my heart on the floor; and now I give you this. And if you acceptthe latest of these gifts, my newest dream will come true: that our love for each other will shine bright as new. The references to the floor, JFYI, is because we were messing around in her bathroom after taking a shower, it was then that I felt compelled to ask her to marry me. After she accepted the ring, it was like we were a new couple all over agian... that was two years ago this past Christmas.... Well, thanks for listening (or reading). It kinda feels good to share this stuff.

Makes me wonder what I have left of my future... out lives have been so deeply intertwined. I was already planning on taking a month off next summer for our honeymoon... Kinda makes one think though... Here I am, feeling like throwing up, and she's sleeping over at some guys place... I know she felt the same way I did, at least at some point. How can someone skip over so quickly, as if she doesn't remember the past five years... our windowshopping for dream homes, our walks by the lake, cuddleing up to each other, staying up all night talking, staying up all night... not talking... Damn. I want to cry, die, and come back as a goldfish. You know they only have a memory of 3 seconds? That'd come in handy right about now...

I'm not going to go into details about what's happened. Suffice to say she left me after 5 years, four of which we've been engaged, (no marriage because of money, not lack of commitment). Knowing I would see her when I get home from work was the only thing that kept me going. I lived and breathed by her. And up to a little while ago, I would bet my sould that this was mutual. Now I'm screwed. I hurt really bad, and I'm riding the bigest head f*#% of a rollercoaster. I want her back, but she may already be involved with another guy, (which by the way, the thought of made me sick to my stomach for a few hours tonight). I love her and charish her more than anything that has ever, will ever, and won't ever exist. How do I overcome this grip? I can't keep living like this, I know, but I can't stop... my God... I feel like an empty shell. I come home from work half expecting to see her there in our bedroom... (mine now that she moved out two days ago). Any suggestions on how to get a grip on myself and my emotions? Any and all suggestions welcome...