Why won't she believe in me?

[ocean63]

OK. I have very limited experience posting on sites and have never tried a relationship forum, but at this point it can't hurt. The basics are we've been married 12 years, together 5 years prior. 2 kids, oldest is 11, youngest is 7. This is the second marriage for both of us, the firsts were short lived and no kids/baggage from these.

About 6 years ago, my wife, who has always been slightly insecure started getting more so. Trust issues started coming up more frequently and accusations started to fly about my "infidelity". Let me make it clear that I have never cheated or really even flirted with anyone. Here's where I really screwed up. My wife has had a problem with one particular client of mine that she has hinted I have been seeing on the side. I have no attraction to this woman, don't flirt and as far as I know, she is in a long term relationship. Anyway, 4 years ago I had a lunch meeting with this client, along with another woman from her firm. That night, my wife was quizzing me about the day and I saw where this was heading. At first I said there were several peolpe there. She kept quizzing me and I eventually told her that it was actually just myself, the person in question and another client. She of course had seen my receipt and saw it was for 3 people. Yes, a stupid mistake which I have appoligzed a million time for. My honest intent was for my wife to not feel threatened or get worked up over what was actually a legitimate meeting.

Well, our relationship has never been the same. I have been accused of sneaking around, having sex, making phone calls, texting, etc. with this woman. My wife eventually confronted the "other woman" who was shocked that my wife would think that anything is going on. My wife's reation though was quite the opposite. She told me, along with our consellor, that she was even more sure there is relationship because of the "non reation". I later found out from the "other woman's" boss (who is a friend of mine) that she was shocked and didn't know how to react.

I am constantly accused of calling the other woman on my cell phone. The interesting thing is that my wife pays the bills and looks at my phone bill monthly. I have told her to look at the numbers, see which I talk longest to (her), check the numbers, call them if you're not sure who they are. She tells me that I can somehow manipulate the numbers so they appear different on the bill. Not quite sure that can be done, and rather doubt it, but it's one more way she keeps not believing me. She even brought this up in counseling and the counselor didn't even call BS. This made me lose faith in our counselor. I also leave my e-mail open so she can see at any time there are no secrets.

The one thing that she accuses me of that you could say she is correct is that I'm not a big talker. I am tryign to improve and this was brought up with the counsellor. I don't sit mute on the couch, but I also don't talk about my feelings 24/7

It certainly makes one swallow their pride living like this. She has mentioned on more than one occasion that we should split up so we can be happy and that our marriage is "unhealthy". I have no desire to split up, and it seems so easy to me how to have a healty marriage. I think eventually this will wear me down. Through it all I still love my wife, and the thought of our family splitting up breaks my heart. I am not perfect, not even close, but I don't cheat, don't want to and have never put myself in the position to. It seems to me that her insecurities are taking over her life and judgement. I do compliment her, try to make sure she knows where I am all the time. When she call me I make sure to answer. Tell her how important she is, etc, but the situation seems to be deteriorating. For example, there were two coffee mugs in the sink at my office so I was accused of having drinks with the other woman. No, I pointed out, I was just lazy and didn't wash the other mug from the day before. I was then called a pathological liar.

 

I don't want to throw in the towel, but obviously can't live forever like this.

 

Any advice?

[HouseKitten]

Christ.

 

Has counseling had any effect at all on her?

 

I don't like to advise that you give in on a marriage. It sounds like you love your wife and you obviously don't want to leave her. But I can't imagine what it's like living under such scrutiny all the time.

 

The thing is, it sounds like you're already doing all the things you can - giving her 24/7 access to wherever you are, letting her examine your phone bills and so on... what more are you supposed to do to make her feel secure? When you tell her the truth, she decides you're lying even more.

 

What does your counsellor have to say about all this? Have they suggested a course of action?

[catfeeder]

You ask why she "won't", and that's the perfect question. You already realize that it's not a matter of her ability--as if she "can't" believe you.

 

She's been getting waaay too much of a payoff by keeping you on a high-wire routine, and it's understandable that you're tired of dancing. So stop.

 

Since she'll throw a tantrum whether you cater to her or not, stop catering. Next accusation, just tell her to go get a lawyer if she's not willing to trust you--you're done playing a 'no win' role in this marriage. Then go silent and ignore everything but an apology.

[hexaemeron]

Flush her. Let her be paranoid and miserable all by herself.

[FarthestEdge]

Tell her you are tired of being treated like a scumbag when you've done nothing wrong. If she wants to throw away a perfectly good marriage by acting like a crazy person, you can't stop her, but you are not going to be kept on a leash.

 

Two other (conflicting) comments...pick either (but not both, won't make sense)

 

1) Tell her if she keeps it up, one day you are going to decide that if you are going to 'do the time' then you might as well 'do the crime'. If she is going to treat you like a lying, cheating philandering jerk nonstop, one day you might realize that things won't get any worse if you actually get the 'fun' of cheating. Tell her she wouldn't even know the difference at this point because she's so convinced your cheating, you could actually do it right under her nose and nothing would seem any different to her.

 

or

 

2) Tell her she is driving you out the door, and ask her how it's going to feel in 2 years to realize she threw away a perfectly good marriage to a perfectly decent guy because she let her insecurities convince her of something that simply has no basis in fact.

 

IMO, you need to the proverbial (NOT literal) 'slap in the face' to get her attention. I've been where she is (a loooooooong time ago). I once convinced myself DH was having an affair because there was no evidence whatsoever, and only HE would be so sneaky as to cover every track...you can't appease, or refute a woman in that state of mind. For some reason it is paying off for her to believe you are guilty. She needs to lose that payoff.

 

Good luck. I hope she snaps out of it.

[Scorpion Fury]

You know you don't deserve this right?

 

You give her access to your phone bill, email and whatever else she wants. That in itself would piss me off, simply because 6 years ago she couldn't let go of something that's really not a big deal. And something tells me it didn't start there, because she grilled you so hardcore about the 3 people receipt in the first place.

 

You got way more patience than me. Are you sure she doesn't have a guilty conscience about something?

 

My honest opinion is that she acts like this because you put up with it, and she will continue to treat you this way as long as you put up with it. I strongly think that you should put your foot down and let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not continue to put up with this and be treated this way, and stick to your guns. Do not put up with this. And you say you have no interest in ending the marriage, but if she won't get it together and work out whatever mental issues she has, why the hell would you want to stay with her and be miserable and treated like crap?

[maalox]

She even brought this up in counseling and the counselor didn't even call BS. This made me lose faith in our counselor.

 

The counselor will not likely do something like that, because the moment they take a side they become a referee and somebody loses faith anyway.

 

Here's an ugly thought along the lines of what scorpion said: Oftentimes when somebody gets SO suspicious, its because they're projecting their guilty feelings onto you. And so they start digging and digging looking for their bad behavior in you so that they feel justified. IOW, maybe SHE did something particularly off topic ?

 

Here's a kinder thought: Using logic to prove your innocence is stupid. Nothing personal - I've been stupid my whole life. You can't prove something didn't happen so don't bother. Maybe some reassurance about her is where its at ? Tell her Honey, you're the only woman I love. You're the number 1 reason I come home at night. You're the one I want to spend my life with. You're the only girl I ever should have married.

 

I don't want to throw in the towel, but obviously can't live forever like this.

 

Oh... You'd be surprised what you can get used to, when your daily ration of bizarre is high enough... But SHOULD you live like this forever ? Nope.

 

maalox

 

We all want to feel loved, but I want you to make me feel loved first.

[ocean63]

I really appreciate the responses. It's been 7 months since I posted and my situation has not improved. In this time, during a particular low point, a good friend of mine that usually get's the brunt of my frustration, decided to have a talk with my wife, obviously trying to help the situation. This was unknown to me at the time, and according to him, was not planned until the opportunity presented itself. In the process of trying to convince my wife that I was not a cheating bastard, the discussion got a bit heated, with him eventually telling her that she was ruining my life or something like that (depends on who's version). I did speak to him after I heard about this and let him know that it was not his place to get involved in my problems, even though I realize he was trying to help. My wife has never gotten over the event and I don't think she will. Now whenever I speak to my friend, who is also a client, she tells me that I am betraying her and that she has never been so dissapointed in anyone her entire life. Even our counsellor told her that I can't control other's actions, but she still holds it over my head. The plus side to this is that she doesn't bring up infidelity that much, although she still doesn't trust me. Now, my main flaw is that I am a betraying bastard. I believe that this has more to do with her lack of self esteem and trying to control someone else. She had a brutal childhood, dad abusing mom and splitting up when she was in her early teens. I strongly believe this is part of the issue, but after years of counseling she still refuses to see any validity in this. According to her, it is all about my behavior and I have brought this all on. If we could ever get to some middle ground, then I might be inclined to keep trying. The more I try to get there, the more she argues that it's all me. I have tried to focus on her needs, being romantic, even taking her to Italy for a get away. Now, after reading this I just feel pathetic. I can't stand the thought of my kids coming from another divorced family. If there was abuse (phyisical), cheating, drugs, etc. Then I could see ending it. I guess what also worries me is becoming use to this.