She cries too much

[ronsmith]

My girlfriend and I recently started fighting a lot and although I try to stay calm while we're fighting, she gets quite emotional and starts crying and when this happens I just let her win. I want to first of all stop fighting so often, but also I want her to stop getting so emotional because I feel this is going to make her resent me and want to break up.

 

new information

 

the last time we fought I believe it might have been my fault. She cried about what happened with an ex (she chose me over him, and she said she cried because she had remembered how hurt he was when they broke up).

 

At first she didn't want to tell me about why she was so upset with the topic (her ex), so I had to know. After all she was upset about an ex! Was she still into him? What is she being so upset? She eventually broke down, started crying, and told me it was because she had really hurt him and felt bad, but she was also crying that I pressed her so hard about it. It was really bad, I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same.

 

Any advice?

[greenmonty87]

I would just let her cry and then after she is done, be really calm with her, and start talking about the issue at hand again. if she needs to cry just let her cry it out, but don't let her get out of the discussion just because she's emotional. Just tell her I am not trying to make you upset but we really need to work this out, I am sorry I am making you cry I just want to work things out so cry if you need to cry, but we still need to talk.

[j.r.c.123]

do you think she sees the argument as a way of letting out other reasons to cry? she may have things on her mind (stuff that happened in the past, etc) and she cries to let it out. maybe she's just highly strung or is trying to get you to concole her and be close to her. maybe she is crying out of frustration at the situation she is currently in. it could be loads of reasons.

i think you should talk to her about why she gets so emotional as there could be underlying reasons. hopefully she will open up.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Ok a few things from observing/experience:

1. she could be crying due to keeping things bottled up that are bothering her. when you keep something to yourself and it hurts/bothers you, once you let it out (women mostly) tend to exhibit crying as well.

2. when you fight she may find it hurtfull and frustrating and out of anger cries b/c you both can't seem to agree.

3. could be crying to win... you say when she cries you let her "win".

 

I would ask her to calm down so you both can actually talk things out properly. I know this will make me sound horrible but: Don't be too comforting. If she is crying to win arguments and have you apologize, this could fuel this habit.

[ronsmith]

the last time we fought I believe it might have been my fault. She cried about what happened with an ex (she chose me over him, and she said she cried because she had remembered how hurt he was when they broke up).

 

At first she didn't want to tell me about why she was crying, so I had to know. After all she was crying about an ex! Was she still into him? She eventually broke down, started crying, and told me it was because she had really hurt him and felt bad, but she was also crying that I pressed her so hard about it. It was really bad, I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same.

[j.r.c.123]

i think if she wants to cry like this then you will just have to be there and comfort her. let her release the emotion and crying can be therapeutic and feel like a release sometimes.

[DN]

The first thing is to figure out why you are fighting so much and fix that - find a better way to resolve differences without fighting.

 

But crying during an argument is very manipulative and you should not allow her to win because of it - although you should make sure you are in the right when that happens.

 

If you feel you are right and she begins crying then say that it would be better to talk about this later when she is able to do so without crying. And don't get drawn in any more until she is calm.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Here's the thing. There is such a thing as fair fighting in relationships. It involves

 

a) not hitting below the belt and/or pushing buttons that you know are there,

 

b) not yelling, breaking stuff, making violent noises and absolutely no hitting each other under any circumstances,

 

c) letting everyone have their say, and

 

d) completing the fight, i.e. not leaving it hanging unresolved by walking away, slamming doors, hanging up, or.... starting to cry.

 

Personally, I find it nearly impossible (nay, flat out impossible) to argue with someone when they are crying. All I want to do is give them a hug. But this is a problem, because nothing gets solved, the issue inevitably pops up again and I get trapped in a vicious circle of argument-escalation-fight-cry-hug-whatthehelljusthappened.

 

If your girlfriend is not mature enough to handle an argument, then she is not mature enough to be in a relationship. Pure and simple.

[MandyJade]

Hey there.

Sometimes when we cry we have no intention to do it. It can just start happening to us!

It is frustrating for us too because we want to stop or never start and the tears ust keep coming.

Be thankful that she isn't keeping her emotions bottled up inside and just freaking out one day. You should also know that she is with you! Not that other guy. She is also opening u p and being vulnerable by crying.

The best thing you can do is to let her cry when she needs to, continue to have fun in the relationship and work through the hard times to get to the good times.

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't see the issue so much as her crying spells, but the fact that she left her boyfriend for you, and she can't get past the guilt. Maybe this is all catching up with her, and she realized that she jumped into this too quickly?

[DN]

Crying can be, and usually is, manipulative because it is an attempt to win the argument by default rather than by reason. As soon as someone starts crying the other person feels a need to comfort them and tell them it's OK - and that they are sorry. So the person who lets their emotions out wins, not because they are right but because they have laid an unfair guilt trip. The best way to deal with that is to disengage and revisit.

[drewciouS281]

does your girlfriend suffer from depression?? If so, theres your reason for her being so emotional. It can be used as a manipulative tool too so be aware of that if its over very small things and when you give in she suddenly stops and all is well. If you see that pattern thats what it could be.

 

My girl goes through waves where she cries alot or just gets extremely angry. When she cries a bunch, depending on the situation ill either let her cool down or i will sit there with her until she calms down. I understand how you dont want her to resent you and leave you due to her crying so much. i was worried about the same thing with my girl at one point. You need to gather all your pride and throw it out the window and have a sit down with her. Tell her your feelings on this topic and LISTEN to hers. If all is spoken well, make a promise to one another not to intentionally manipulate or hurt one anothers feelings. Fights happen and sometimes a good cry is needed but if its excessive than there could be some deeper rooted issue.

[konstantine]

I think there are some really helpful posts in here. It could be that she is depressed and holds in feelings a lot, but once she lets some emotion out it ALLL comes out.

 

I have to say, I find it very difficult to talk to my boyfriend about problems we are having without crying. I try really hard not to, but you can still hear in my voice that it is cracking a bit. It's because it means a lot to me. And yes, I am emotional about it.

 

Some girls just cry. It's not always manipulation. What you have to look at is while she's crying, is she still able to talk about the problem without overreacting? Is she willing to compromise? Is she finishing the talk to where you want? Or is she using it as an instant end to the conversation to get out of talking about it?

[lady00]

I wouldn't assume she is crying on purpose or in a manipulative way. I've had fights with boyfriends before during which I broke down and cried. It wasn't something premeditated. I didn't do it as a way of manipulating the other person. It just happened. I think that when it does happen, you need to try to kindly but firmly let the other person know that you should talk when you both have had a chance to breathe and get into the right frame of mind. That way if she is doing it in a manipulative way, you can make it clear where you stand in a productive way, and if she isn't you are just giving her time to get it out and get into the right frame of mind to have a constructive discussion to resolve whatever the issue is.

[absinthe]

I wouldn't assume she is crying on purpose or in a manipulative way. I've had fights with boyfriends before during which I broke down and cried. It wasn't something premeditated. I didn't do it as a way of manipulating the other person. It just happened. I think that when it does happen, you need to try to kindly but firmly let the other person know that you should talk when you both have had a chance to breathe and get into the right frame of mind. That way if she is doing it in a manipulative way, you can make it clear where you stand in a productive way, and if she isn't you are just giving her time to get it out and get into the right frame of mind to have a constructive discussion to resolve whatever the issue is.

Agreed.

 

When someone cries for whatever reason(s), it's best not to roll over and to continue on after she's calm. Not only is this better for you AND the relationship, to truly resolve issues, but it's also better for her, in that it teaches her that crying doesn't solve anything.

 

Crying is like any other coping tool, where it's a learned reflex. If it was successful at childhood, it will continue to be used, whether the crying is a conscious or subconscious reflex action to conflict.

[mandellin]

I cry alot when my boyfriend and I are fighting. It is not a munipulative tool - I think if it is a munipulative tool it could easily be turned on and off and you would be able to tell.

 

My friends say they think that I cry with my boyfriend like that because I care for him so much and see it as a disappointment when he brings up things he wants to argue about. I am not sure why but it just happens and I cannot control it.