Ups and Downs

[iBroken]

So as some might be aware, you will know that my ex has come back around and wants to work things out.

 

After the hurt she brought me, Im not sure how I feel. My heart says that I love her and want to try again, but my mind says she will do this all over again.

 

We have broken up 3 times in 3 years and this would be our 4th go. After our last break up, she rebounded with someone right after me. They turned off the romance and remained friends.

 

In our current conversations I have made it clear that if I were to even consider working things out, that friendship has to end. We would be hanging out and he would be texting her and she would reply and it would just cause issues with us.

 

So she cut ties. Unfortunately, the rebound didnt take too kindly to this and had some choice words about me which my ex shared as part of the "transparency", the proof that she cut the ties.

 

So why is it I react with such anger and want to withdraw and give up? My ex is trying to do everything she can to make this work and I keep struggling with the ups and downs. Should I stay or should I go.

 

Is it normal to react this way in this situation? I feel like im being over the top but I also feel like Im entitled to it.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think if you want to give it another go then take it really slow and dont make it too easy for her. Don't fall back into the old ways

[vertigoxo]

It will take a lot of patience, honesty, and hard work to make this relationship work. Is she up to it? Are YOU up to it?

[iBroken]

I dont know that she is up to it. Like she doesnt have the patience.

 

She tried to get me to chill out, she did, but I kept going because Im angry. So she gives up and says maybe we should chill. But then she talks about how she misses us and wants to get back to us and our life and work through our issues so we can get back on track.

 

Am I up to it? Im not sure. Maybe if I were working with someone with a little more patience, I wouldnt question myself so much. But she gets all bent on things because she doesnt understand the predicament I am in so her walls go up and she pulls back.

[HeartGoesOn]

Breaking up 3 times, in a period of 3 years is not a very good track record. I would also consider the fact that you had to tell her to cut ties with the other guy. If she was that serious about getting back into a relationship with you, why couldn't she do that on her own, without you asking her to?

[iBroken]

^Thats my thought exactly?

 

Its almost like I have to hold her hand and walk her through the process? I even called her out on it. Leaving him lingering until I decided. Leaving him on the backburner......ugh

[shessofly]

it sounds as though she doesn't know what the heck she's doing. maybe she needs to spend some time alone to work some things out. some people just can't stand to be with just themselves.

 

i have a friend like that...she just cannot be alone, ever. from one bf to the next. she's got all these issues but just can't seem to bring herself to be alone for awhile to work the bugs out. as a result she continues to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again.

[Sanesoul]

Breaking up 3 times, in a period of 3 years is not a very good track record. I would also consider the fact that you had to tell her to cut ties with the other guy. If she was that serious about getting back into a relationship with you, why couldn't she do that on her own, without you asking her to?

 

I agree. That's a lot of drama and hurt to go through to be with one person. I don't think it's very healthy.

[Diagonal]

I think it's worth giving it ago, what have you got to lose? I know you have a past of breaking up, but I'm guessing there must be something there which keeps drawing you two back together. Is there?

 

If so just take things slow and see how it goes. That's what I'd do anyway.

[HeartGoesOn]

^Thats my thought exactly?

 

Its almost like I have to hold her hand and walk her through the process? I even called her out on it. Leaving him lingering until I decided. Leaving him on the backburner......ugh

 

You have to ask yourself if it's worth the fight? If you do decide to get back together, are all of your issues totally resolved, and do you feel that she's learned anything from her mistakes? If you're not 100% sure, I would re-think this entire situation.

[JBaker]

I think it's worth giving it ago, what have you got to lose? I know you have a past of breaking up, but I'm guessing there must be something there which keeps drawing you two back together. Is there?

 

If so just take things slow and see how it goes. That's what I'd do anyway.

 

I agree here. There seems to be something that draws you two back to each other.

 

This time around I think you should have a long discussion about what has been the cause of your breakups and other problems. You should also talk about what you need from each other from a relationship. You then must actually change those things about yourselves to make the relationship work.

One issue you seem to have is about jealousy. Is that accurate?

 

As for your feelings... I think you are understandably cautious about trying things again with this girl for the fourth time. I don't think anyone here can answer for you if you and she are both willing to put in the effort to make it work.

[Leveller]

I agree here. There seems to be something that draws you two back to each other.

 

This time around I think you should have a long discussion about what has been the cause of your breakups and other problems. You should also talk about what you need from each other from a relationship. You then must actually change those things about yourselves to make the relationship work.

One issue you seem to have is about jealousy. Is that accurate?

 

As for your feelings... I think you are understandably cautious about trying things again with this girl for the fourth time. I don't think anyone here can answer for you if you and she are both willing to put in the effort to make it work.

 

To make it work do you think it would take a little or a lot?

[JBaker]

To make it work do you think it would take a little or a lot?

 

Making relationships work in the long term take a lot of work. You have to continuously put in effort toward pleasing your partner while trying not to ask too much of your partner.

 

When breakups occur, it is usually for a big and/or ongoing reason. Usually this involves something that is ingrained within the personality of both partners. So it take a lot of effort to change those aspects that they find so undesirable that it causes a breakup. This underlying problems must be addressed or the relationship will continue suffering from the same problems.

[iBroken]

I agree here. There seems to be something that draws you two back to each other.

 

This time around I think you should have a long discussion about what has been the cause of your breakups and other problems. You should also talk about what you need from each other from a relationship. You then must actually change those things about yourselves to make the relationship work.

One issue you seem to have is about jealousy. Is that accurate?

 

As for your feelings... I think you are understandably cautious about trying things again with this girl for the fourth time. I don't think anyone here can answer for you if you and she are both willing to put in the effort to make it work.

 

I have insecurities now because of the infidelity and the rebound

 

I agree that our issues that lead to our breakups dont always get resolved. And I am extremely cautious about trying for a 4th time. I dont know too many people who reconciled 4 times in a 3 year span...seems like too much. I also dont know that she has what it takes to put the effort in herself. This whole incident makes me question her intentions and ability to try. She gets easily frustrated and gives up on a discussion when it becomes too much for her. How would we get through our problems?!?!?! (Rhetorical question)

[Leveller]

Making relationships work in the long term take a lot of work. You have to continuously put in effort toward pleasing your partner while trying not to ask too much of your partner.

 

When breakups occur, it is usually for a big and/or ongoing reason. Usually this involves something that is ingrained within the personality of both partners. So it take a lot of effort to change those aspects that they find so undesirable that it causes a breakup. This underlying problems must be addressed or the relationship will continue suffering from the same problems.

 

A very perceptive point indeed.

[minou]

I already expressed how I feel. I hope you don't mind if I say it again. I really don't see how you can call it cheating when you were apart. She has ended the "friendship" which is the right thing to do, given your intense feelings about this. I think you need to think about whether or not your feelings for her are worth letting this go and do it. Maybe you could take a pause to decide whether or not your feelings for her are strong enough, and whether or not she will wait for you for a couple of weeks.

[iBroken]

I already expressed how I feel. I hope you don't mind if I say it again. I really don't see how you can call it cheating when you were apart. She has ended the "friendship" which is the right thing to do, given your intense feelings about this. I think you need to think about whether or not your feelings for her are worth letting this go and do it. Maybe you could take a pause to decide whether or not your feelings for her are strong enough, and whether or not she will wait for you for a couple of weeks.

 

No I dont mind.

 

I don't think of the rebound as infidelity - there was infidelity in the relationship previously and thats what I was referring to.

 

The rebound upsets me because it was right after we broke up. And even then, our break up wasnt really clear - it seemed at the time to be a rash thing, tensions where high and so she called it quits rather then worked on it or discussed it any. Then she found herself in the arms of another.

 

But yes, what she did while we were apart (even if we were living together), is not considered cheating.

[minou]

I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I didn't realize there had been cheating before. You clearly have a lot of angry feelings about many things that have happened. This doesn't have the feeling of a good fresh start. That is really the best way to try again, is to consider the past over and start fresh. Let go of grudges, etc. and face each day with your best towards each other. I'm not sure you're in a space to do this right now, but you can always try. It seems like you're getting cold feet at the last minute, even though she let the last guy go for this new chance she thinks she's getting. I guess you're the only one who knows if there are enough positives there. If there are focus on those. you may have residual feelings about the time she cheated on you and find it hard to let those go. Unless at some point you make the choice to move past those feelings, the relationship is doomed and you won't be able to trust her again. Trust can be rebuilt slowly, but it takes 2. I know it feels unfair to have to put effort in when you're not the one who cheated, but life sure isn't always fair.

[Mauxly]

But yes, what she did while we were apart (even if we were living together), is not considered cheating.

 

OK, so we are all on the same page here. It really sounds like she is trying, really trying to be a better person so she can be with you. As you know from my posts, I relate to both of you. He cheated, but I did my part to make that relationship a nice little mess prior to the nuclear blast on our hearts.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I know now that I've been difficult to date due to my fear of abandonment. I'm so grateful that he's willing to let me try to over come this, and willing to let me fall on my face once in a while.

 

He say's I'm worth it. I believe him.

 

There is a lot of love in your relationships right? I say keep trying so long as she's trying. Counseling is a good thing. Hopefully she eventually gets there, but it may not be on your schedule. Of course you are fee to cut your losses and leave. I don't think anyone would blame you. But if you guys can overcome this, and grow together, you'll be much stronger than those who've had no drama in the relationship.

 

At least, that's my hope for you guys, and us.

[Tired Tiger]

Hey iBroken,

 

Sorry to repeat a question that's already been asked a few times here, but have you determined the causes for the past problems in your relationship? If you both haven't achieved awareness of these issues and worked on your issues independently, you might have a rough go of this (as already appearing in your own apprehension).

[DaveTrump]

I'd say have time on your own. Especially your ex. She seems like she needs to find her own 2 feet before she can be really happy in a relationship. I think a long break would be good. You could still be friends throughout the period, but just keep it light, find your independence, build up a good circle of friends, along with separate interests and I think as a result you could have a real long term balanced relationship.

[iBroken]

Hey iBroken,

 

Sorry to repeat a question that's already been asked a few times here, but have you determined the causes for the past problems in your relationship? If you both haven't achieved awareness of these issues and worked on your issues independently, you might have a rough go of this (as already appearing in your own apprehension).

 

Ya, we are aware of what went wrong. And I think thats why we both firgured that this time around might be different. But yes, things are hard because I am getting cold feet, I have reservations. Although she ended this friendship, they have an agreement that he will simply lay low and if her and I dont work out, there is no reason why they cant be friends. So on the backburner he goes.

 

Im not okay with that and made that clear. So I gave up.

 

Thanks for all your insight anyway

[learning2relax]

Why not work on learning how to trust each other again by taking it slowly and allowing each other the chance to earn the trust again. Build a better and stronger foundation?

 

The rebound relationship showed her what she was missing by not being with you......you have trust issues and with good reason. You don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water if you don't want to.

 

I know you feel the way you do right now but once you give up and given your cycle, you might find yourself feeling regret later. Don't make a rash decision. For myself and because of my waffling feelings, I try to sit with a decision that I think I want to make and once I can stay true to it for say 5 days consistently without waffling back and forth in between, it is solid and safe to make it. Just a suggestion to consider.

[iBroken]

She clearly cannot be trusted.

 

Even after she "ended the friendship" with the rebound, they continued to talk that day and yesterday.

 

So I said Im done and Im going NC told her to pretend I never existed as I will be doing the same. Deleted her off MSN and Facebook right then.

 

Then she texts me telling me Im brutal (I called her a b!tch and told her to go sleep with the rebound if it makes her happy cause Im done and gone - i know, my temper got the best of me) Then she tells me to stop ignoring her. SO I say fine (just in case she didnt get it the first time around) I said Im done, do not contact me again please. She tells me im being over the top? Then I get this barrage of texts, shes not giving up.

 

So I go back onto MSN, unblock her and readd her so that I can make it clear that Im not playing these games (clearly I am since I gave in). She then proceeds to tell me shes sorry and misunderstood my boundaries? * * * ? And that she wants us to just be. She doesnt want to talk about things, the issues, my insecurities. She just wants to be.

 

Seriously....I cant deal with this but I cant seem to get away. Her BPD kicks her into overdrive and she panics at the first sign of abandonment.