Climbing back up.

[Firiel]

I've been really enjoying my workouts lately, especially now that I have nothing better to do.

 

On Saturday, I did a fairly short (28 mile) bike ride with a lot of climbing. I got a flat and changed it successfully. It was the first successful flat change I've had on the road without anyone else there in case I need help. Go me! I'm currently eying a route that consists mostly of a Category 1 (highest difficulty of hills that can be categorized) climb-- 14.64 mile climb with an average grade of 4.5%. Not sure if I could even make it, though, so we'll see.

 

On Sunday, I woke up early and did a track workout:

Warmup: 2 mile bike ride to the track and 800m jog

Main Set: 4x800 with times of 3:15, 3:18, 3:15, and 3:05 (my original aim was 3:30s for these, but I was feeling good)

Cool Down: 800m jog, 2 mile bike ride home

 

I also went to the pool in the afternoon and did a workout:

Warmup: 200yds easy

Main Set: 400, 4x100, 300, 3x100s, 200, 2x100s (long sets fairly easy, short ones were much faster)

No cool down because I was tired and just wanted to go home and eat dinner!

 

It's been hot here, hitting or pushing the triple digits with the lows in the mid to high 60s. And it's not supposed to let up for at least the rest of the week. That makes it tough because you need to get up early to do a hard, good quality workout, but then you have to go to sleep when it's still hot outside (and therefore inside) so you can get up early enough. My sleep has been suffering as a result, but I'm getting at least 6 hours a night, even on rough nights.

[BigKK]

Those are some great times and workouts, good for you being active on the 4th of july weekend. I went ocean swimming with my girlfriend and 2 friends, and said "wanna swim there?" and everyone agreed...turns out we swam 1.2 miles and were exhausted.

 

 

Did you get a massage after your first triathlon? I do much less volume and need massages to keep the knots at bay.

[Firiel]

Those are some great times and workouts, good for you being active on the 4th of july weekend. I went ocean swimming with my girlfriend and 2 friends, and said "wanna swim there?" and everyone agreed...turns out we swam 1.2 miles and were exhausted.

 

 

Did you get a massage after your first triathlon? I do much less volume and need massages to keep the knots at bay.

 

1.2 miles of ocean swimming is great!

 

I didn't get a massage after my triathlon. I actually generally cringe at the thought of people touching me. I don't mind hugs with people I'm pretty close to, and obviously I like hugs/cuddles/massages from the boyfriend, but the thought of a massage by a stranger... ugh. So I just deal with knotty muscles! It's not too bad. I'm generally only stiff after a particularly long or hard workout. Like today, I'm feeling sort of stiff and just a little bit sore after the track workout yesterday.

[imsuperman]

You can always use a foam roller thing too.

[Firiel]

I hate those. They hurt and I don't like them. Basically, I'm a big baby, ha ha. I can go out a bike 100 miles, but put a foam roller near me and I start whining like a toddler.

 

 

Tomorrow is my day off this week. Good. I'm tired!

[Firiel]

G has been terrible about keeping in touch, and I don't know what to do. I already talked to him about it once, and nothing changed. I feel like initiated contact should be about 50/50 in a relationship. I refuse to always be the one to call, especially when I have to drag conversation out of him. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me enough that he is willing to pick up the phone and dial my number and spend 30 minutes talking to me. That guy can have a good conversation with a rock when he wants to.

[sophie274]

Has he moved away already? How did you leave things?

 

I don't think who initiates matters that much, but if he's not invested in your conversations and doesn't seem happy to hear from you, that is a problem.

[Firiel]

Yes, he moved away. We decided to stay committed to/exclusive with each other.

 

I normally am not an initiation stickler, but I was always doing the calling, and he generally just didn't seem invested in the conversations-- which is tough for me because I'm not a great natural conversationalist. I can hang on/keep up if someone else is doing their part, but I can't carry the weight. Anyway, it was after I noticed that he was never calling and wasn't invested that I decided to just let him initiate if I had initiated before. He called me on Tuesday, I called him on Thursday, and he hasn't called since. He hasn't texted me since Saturday. I sent him a text today, though-- just some stupid nothing about how hot it is here.

[sophie274]

Wow, yes, I wouldn't be ok with that. It's so hard to keep up a connection if you're not making an effort to keep in touch in a meaningful way.

 

What did he say when you brought it up?

 

Do you have plans to see each other?

[Firiel]

We saw each the last weekend of June, and it was a really, really great trip. Buuut... I haven't talked to him since I called him two days after I got back (he called me the evening I got back).

 

I brought it up before the trip, and it went okay. He was defensive at first. Said he had enough going on that he didn't need basically invented drama and kind of tried to minimize how bad at contact he'd been. But when I kept at it, he seemed to really understand and sincerely apologize and promise to do better. Now, I allow people initial defensiveness. I think it's kind of a natural response-- no one wants to admit to themselves that they've been crappy. And he turned around quickly enough that I was able to attribute it to that. But considering absolutely nothing changed, the whole conversation seems worse. He tried deflecting it to me (that I was creating drama), he tried minimizing it (sorry I haven't called in a few days), and then when that didn't work, he offered up an apology to shut me up with no intention of following through with it.

 

Or at least, that's how the whole thing seems now.

[sophie274]

I don't think you're creating drama at all. You sound very reasonable on the issue, no it's obvious you've thought it through, and just want to resolve it before it becomes a big deal.

 

Has G been in an LDR before?

 

I don't really know what to say. Perhaps he really doesn't realize how little he's been in tough, but regardless, it won't be possible to sustain your relationship very long if this is how he's behaving. Was everything good before you left? Is he happy in general with the move/is he glad he did it?

 

Did he reply to your text?

[Firiel]

He hasn't been in an LDR before. I think that's part of the issue. Things were good before he left. I can't imagine that there is anything about "us" bothering him in particular, considering how good our visit was. He's upset that he had to move, and it's tough for him to be living with his parents, but he's been spending a lot of time with his brother and his brother's wife. I would say he's not happy in general with the move, though. He's frustrated, and (this may sound silly) I know he really misses his cat.

 

I texted him about 2:30, and then again around 6:00 telling him that I had a shirt of his (he had accidentally left it in my car during the visit). Neither really required a response. He did send me a sweet, unrelated text around 9:00, but I didn't reply. I didn't feel like I could muster up a non-snarky reply that wasn't essentially misguiding him by making it seem like I was just fine with everything. And I won't get into an important discussion over text.

 

I dunno. I just don't know WHY it wouldn't occur to him to call me at some point. I mean, if I'm his girlfriend, wouldn't he want to be a part of my life and stay in touch with me? Unless I'm just a convenience or he just loves me for what I represent... as some sort of ideal instead of a flesh-and-blood person.

 

I also know that he and his ex-wife used to catch up via a phone call almost every weekend for a long time after they divorced. I mean, for the vast majority of our relationship, I haven't felt insecure about his being married before, despite the fact that (from what I've gathered) she is a really cool person, and he was kind of the one to screw things up with them. But the fact that he doesn't seem to want to talk to me but stayed in touch with her nearly weekly even after the divorce really gets to me. He's a really smart and intellectual person, so I have always struggled with feeling like I'm not smart enough for him. The fact that he doesn't feel the desire to talk to me doesn't really help me feel any better in that regard.

[sophie274]

Well, first off, banish the thoughts about the ex-wife and not being smart enough for him from your mind. I think being married and then going through a divorce is not really comparable to your relationship now, not in terms of quality, but in terms of length of the relationship and commitment, so I don't think how he behaved while they were breaking up has anything to do with how often he's in touch with you. I'm also sure you're perfectly smart enough for him, but even if he did find he weren't able to have intellectual convos with you as deep as he might wish, most people enjoy talking to their SO about enough trivial things or serious non-intellectual things that I can't imagine he doesn't have anything to talk to you about. Especially if you've been dating for over a year!

 

I agree with you. I'm trying to really internalize the idea that not everyone is like me, and therefore I can't expect everyone to behave the way I would, but when I'm in a serious relationship, my boyfriend is generally the person I most want to share things with. That's the thing I miss most when I'm away from my boyfriend. Sometimes I keep lists of things to tell him when we talk!

 

I know you don't want to, but I think you need to talk to him again. If you're feeling snarky and resentful when he texts something sweet, then it's serious enough for you that you've got to bring it up again and give him another chance to do better. I mean, even if you're able to "get used to" him calling what, once a week or every ten days, will you really feel like you're in a serious, committed relationship with a future? I wouldn't. It's just not enough contact to stay close.

[Firiel]

Yeah, that's the way I feel. Especially since I do not want to make a commitment to move to his area until I'm quite certain that we have a real future. And there's just no way I can determine that if we are talking once a week. I can't make a decision like that if our relationship is on pause during the times we aren't physically in each others' presence.

 

It just sucks because I don't want to "make" him do anything. I hate feeling like I'm making demands, and I hate that I have to "demand" that my boyfriend call me more than once a week. I'm pretty sure he misses his cat more than he misses me. I mean, ouch.

[Batya33]

When my husband and I were in an LDR we spoke at least once a day - I don't think we ever missed a day and almost every day was a 30-45 minute conversation with few exceptions. We also emailed during the day (mostly just light fun stuff/newsy things). I think that is why I felt so connected even though we were long distance (we saw each other about every 11 days). There was no discussion -it was what we both wanted. I personally think it's really important but seriously that's just me -people communicate in different, healthy ways.

[Firiel]

Okay, I talked to him about it again. If it doesn't get better this time, we'll see. Preferably, I like texting once or twice a day-- just light stuff-- and talking about every other day. It gives us a bit more to talk about if we skip a day. I definitely think that regular contact is very important. If I have a boyfriend, I don't want to feel like I'm single.

 

 

During the visit I took at the end of June, I feel like I learned/realized something important about G. So, it seems like all of the "major" decisions he made were initiated by his ex-wife. She wanted a kitten so they got his cat now (that he adores). She wanted a dog so they got their dog. She wanted to stop throwing away money on rent, so they bought a house. Her admittance into grad school is what moved them accross the country. He didn't propose officially-- they just decided the best time to get married was before making that move, and he couldn't remember who initiated the conversation (my money's on her! ). These are all stories that I've picked up over the course of our relationship-- I just made the connection recently. And I don't want it to sound like a criticism. It doesn't bother me. Actually, the fact that he doesn't feel the need to artificially live up to a certain "masculine standard" is one of the things I like about him. It just seems like an important bit of information to know about the way he works. I might need to take the reigns more in certain situations, not because that's the kind of women he likes but just because that may be what's best for the relationship.

[Batya33]

But what about decisions he made before he met his wife, when he was younger, a teenager, a young adult, etc?

[Firiel]

But what about decisions he made before he met his wife, when he was younger, a teenager, a young adult, etc?

 

He met his wife when he was 22, so he was a pretty young adult when they got together. I'm not sure what major decisions he made before that. He became a vegetarian... started college (and graduated from community college?)... that kind of thing. I'm not saying he's incapable of making decisions or anything. I mean, he did move up to my state to go to grad school post-divorce and all. I just think that when he's content, he tends to like the status quo. My only other significant relationship experience has been with someone that pushes change so much that there was never any chance for me to desire change. It's just good to understand that he might be slower to act than some and that it doesn't mean I need to wait for him to say something or do something-- I can initiate potential changes.

[BigKK]

Hey F, I'm wondering if this is the initially roughness while he is settling in with all the new stuff? Also some people simply SUCK at long distance, if there is Long distance with no plan in foresight... I personally won't ever do it again, it eventually becomes hopeless. Although my significant other was to leave (or vice-versa), the decision would be simple, either she returns in a finite amount of time, I can legitimately join her where she's at, or we split.

 

I experienced the pain of long distance and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, some people make it work, some (like me) can't handle it after awhile.

 

 

In your case I think he might be still settling in, ALTHOUGH me personally, I'd be making an effort to keep my girlfriend in the loop because making her feel neglected over distance is probably the worst thing you can do. Once I started distancing myself (in an LDR) was when I was able to let go of the feelings and put my mind in a place where they were no longer in my life. Once I was able to imagine that, it was easy to slip away.

[Batya33]

He met his wife when he was 22, so he was a pretty young adult when they got together. I'm not sure what major decisions he made before that. He became a vegetarian... started college (and graduated from community college?)... that kind of thing. I'm not saying he's incapable of making decisions or anything. I mean, he did move up to my state to go to grad school post-divorce and all. I just think that when he's content, he tends to like the status quo. My only other significant relationship experience has been with someone that pushes change so much that there was never any chance for me to desire change. It's just good to understand that he might be slower to act than some and that it doesn't mean I need to wait for him to say something or do something-- I can initiate potential changes.

 

I wouldn't assume that-it might just have been his particular dynamic with his ex. After all he decided on his own to relocate, right?

[Firiel]

BigKK, I really don't think he naturally disposed to long distance. One good thing-- while we don't officially have a "plan," we've both agreed that we don't want to do this for more than a year or so. Basically, we want to have solid plans developing to move near each other in the immediate future after a year.

 

Batya, maybe it is just that particular dynamic with his ex. Like I said, it's not that he can't (or won't) make any decisions. But it does jive with other things I've noticed about him in regards to liking routine and not wanting to rock the boat. Again, not that those are bad things. I actually thought it was really cool that he could be lukewarm about certain plans but still support said plans because it was important to his partner.

[Firiel]

I had a disturbing dream last night.

 

I was engaged to this guy who was very nice. It was the night before the wedding, and I realized that even though he was a wonderful man, I didn't love him and didn't want to marry him. I really wanted to call off the wedding, but I was scared to. I was even more scared to end up married again, though. G walked in. In the dream, we were still somewhat involved, though I'm not sure if it was physical or emotional. Either way, that meant dream-me was a terrible person. Honestly, I still feel guilty about it this morning.

 

Anyway, G walked in and I went and gave him a hug (that I was trying to make friendly). I whispered to him that I didn't want to do this. I don't remember what he said. I just remember that I was engaged to this other guy when all I really wanted was to be with G. But I also knew that I was being a terrible person for wanting that and for letting that desire cause me to hurt this admittedly great guy that I was with. A bunch of my friends were there for this wedding, but I knew I had to call it off. So I went for a walk outside with the fiance and just told him that I didn't love him and that I was sorry. He was (obviously) furious and stormed off. I wanted to follow him and apologize and tell him he was great and that it wasn't his fault and ask him to forgive me, but I just stood there because I knew that I deserved all that anger and that I needed to let him be mad and hate me because I had been really hurtful. I knew that telling him how great he was and apologizing would only serve to make me feel better.

 

I don't know why this dream is sticking with me so much. Maybe because the emotions were so strong and real during the dream.

[Firiel]

link removed

 

The above reminds me of a thread on here last week that dealt with rape and a lot of people questioning the OP about whether or not she had really been raped.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you for sharing this. This is powerful.

[Firiel]

I'm glad that it spoke to you. I found it powerful as well.