When guys sleep with someone else during a break-up?

[FloraDora]

I broke up with my boyfriend of about a year and a half the week before Thanksgiving. We had been fighting a lot, and he had been taking me for granted and was being distant. At the time, I kind of thought that was where he was headed too, and in fact during the break-up he said he also felt it was for the best.

 

However, later that night he sent me several text messages about how I had broken his heart, he loved me, wanted me back etc. We continued to talk off and on until I agreed to see him. We hung out the first weekend in December and I thought we were getting back together. Then, all of a sudden he said he "kind of had a date with someone else, but not really". He would not give any more information over the phone. I became frustrated and stopped contacting him. I didn't not hear from him again, other than "happy holiday" texts.

 

Then, two weeks ago he texted me and we started talking again. After working out some of our problems, we are back together. However, I never asked about his non-technical date. Should I assume he slept with someone else while we were separated? Should I ask? I don't really want to know details. Would it have meant anything to him? I get really upset thinking about it, but dont' really know why.

[DN]

I think this is better left as a 'don't ask, don't tell' scenario.

[Tired Tiger]

I'm sure others will elaborate, but... let it go. Whatever he did while broken up is irrelevant.

[FloraDora]

I guess I just feel bad because I am pretty sure he was with someone. I, on the other hand, was too heartbroken to even think of seeing someone else. I keep picturing him sleeping with some hot woman while I was sitting on the couch crying and eating ice cream.

[JBaker]

Chances are, you both slept with other people before getting together in the first place. That did not bother you before, why should it bother you now? You did break up with him, by the way.

 

Why were you heartbroken for a year if you broke it off with him?

[DN]

Well, when that image comes into your head replace it with an image of the two of you being happy together now and in the future. Because you can have an effect on the present and future and make those happy images become reality - but you can't do anything about the past.

[Dako]

If she was really a "hot woman" he wouldn't have returned. You seem to have his attention. Enjoy it.

[FloraDora]

I was heartbroken even though I broke it off because I really didn't want our relationship to end. I was frustrated with the lack of progress and some other stuff that was going on, but I never stopped loving him.

[Tired Tiger]

he said he "kind of had a date with someone else, but not really"

 

Not that it should matter anyway, but is this all you're assuming sex from?

[coyote1980]

Well, this reminds me of Rachel and Ross in Friends if you know what I mean....

What's important is you guys are back together.

How you guy are going to stay together and never make the same mistake are the most important subjects to be worrying about at this point, no?

[tuesday]

I completely understand what your going through! I keep wondering if my boyfriend slept with someone else while we weren't together. But as everyone else said here it would be better to let it go. Since you dont really know what happened, you should keep assuring yourself nothing happened. You'll feel much better!!!

[FloraDora]

Not that it should matter anyway, but is this all you're assuming sex from?

 

Well, that and the time span. We were apart for more than a month. Don't most single guys get laid in that amount of time if they want to? I know he was out drinking a lot.

 

I also found candy cane necklaces under his bed. He said they were from a holiday party, but they looked like something a girl would wear to a holiday party. And there were two of them.....

[babii doll]

read my "dont ask dont tell" thread in the relationships section. something similar happened to me. the bf and i split last year and reconciled last november. i had to dig for info about who he was dating during our split and found out he slept with 2 ppl during our seperation.

 

now i regret ever asking. dont make the same mistake that i made. trust me your mind gets filled with insecurities and it makes things worse. start a new slate and leave it in the past, im just now starting to accept this.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Even if he did have sex with someone else, the fact still remains that he came back to you..so clearly this other woman was not so special that he wanted to stay with her. You need to put this behind you..because having sex with another woman while you were broken up is not the real issue. You need to see if he is actually going to be a more attentive boyfriend than he was before. In other words, has he fixed the behaviours which caused the relationship to disintegrate. I would also suggest using a condom and make sure you both get tested for STDs.

[MakestheBest]

Men and women handle things differently, and people in general handle things differently. I have a hard time believing that your bf would be so callous as to hint that he may have slept with someone, it may have been just some missed meet up or something. But regardless, it doesn't matter you-weren't together, he was free to do whatever he wanted. You can't get mad at him because he didnt' grieve in the exact same way that you did.

 

You don't know he did anything at all, if he did he had a right to do as he wished, and either way don't let it get to you, he is obviously with you now. And take babii dolls advice. Don't dig for answers that you can't handle.

[supercalifragilistic]

Well, this is something I would ask actually but for health concerns, if he slept with anyone else while we were broken up I would want him to get tested.

 

I actually did this before, my ex answered the question truthfully, I got upset, he explained to me that it meant nothing and it was a mistake and all was well.

 

Just ask yourself what is worse, knowing or not knowing.

[Snarfing]

I have a similar thread posted. I am the guy who did the sleeping around AFTER I like him was the one being dumped.

 

If he did sleep with somebody it does not mean he was not thinking about you. In my instance, I tried to move on. I used sex and drinking as ways out of my pain. He could have been doing the same.

[Weaksoss]

I think a lot of people find hoochieness unattractive, just it's not frowned on as much in men. I know for me it's a huge turn off and when I get to know a new guy I like, finding out that they are very casual about sex usually causes me to lose interest immediately. (Brain says "Man-hoochie? Fork no!") Seeing that side of someone you love and admire can be a bit painful, so I have some sympathy for the OP.

I would want to know, and I would want to him to get tested. It's up to you if you can or can't accept it if he did.

 

Edit: Had to clean up some language, as the filters are pretty strict about words similar to "hoochie".

[norsewoman]

I think this is better left as a 'don't ask, don't tell' scenario.

 

Yes. Like that.

[minou]

Please don't let this get in the way of what you may have together. It really doesn't matter if he slept with someone else after you broke it off. your fantasies of what that was like for him are probably so much more glamorous than the reality. If he wanted to be with them, why would he be bothering with you. Stay in the present. Keep refocussing your attention when natural feelings of jealousy come up.

[vertigoxo]

This guy didn't cheat on you. He was being a guy who was heartbroken and possibly horny so he called up a girl and whatever happened, happened and it doesn't matter anymore. He came back to you, so that must mean you're a billion times better than the "hot woman".